Yup, free periods rock. (I looked up that word in the dictionary ^^) Well, rock… They’re kind of boring, actually. I have to go back to school in about a half an hour. I don’t really want to go, but well, we’re obliged to go, or something. Don’t really feel like writing either, but I have to do something, and this beats homework. I still have to write two texts for Dutch, but I’m so tired. I don’t feel like anything right now… I mean, if I don’t feel like writing, then there’s something seriously wrong with me. At school I’m so good at pretending to be happy, confident and I chat with people and stuff. But at home I can’t do that, not that there’s anyone home right now, so I don’t have to pretend. Though it feels kind of nice to pretend, because I almost start to believe myself, I’m good at pretending… Tomorrow evening I’m going to see a play for school with a friend. But, guess what, I don’t feel like it, surprise! God, I annoy myself. I’ve been listening to Paolo Nutini, James Morrison and Maria Mena the whole day. I really like that music right now, I have really changed, a few months ago my favourite bands were Rammstein and Marilyn Manson, and now I like the Kooks and James Morrison, and I really LOVE Kate Bush! But, oh well, people can change, so I guess I did. Next Friday I’m going to a birthday of a friend I haven’t seen in two years, I’m kind of nervous. Yesterday I went to town all by myself to by her a gift. I know people go shopping by themselves every day, but I’m really proud of myself. I barely go outdoors on my own, bit scared to do so. So much people outside, I always feel like they’re staring at me, because I’m so fat or ugly or I just walk funny. There’s always something wrong with me. There is this guy, he had been in my class for five years, but he went to a lower level or something, so he’s still on the same school, but not in my class. And I have always liked him, as a friend I mean. One time I thought it was more, (few years ago) and I tried to tell him that, and he just… well, he said he didn’t like me back, he thought of me as just a classmate. Well, I just found out I still like him. I hate myself for doing that. I’m almost seventeen and never had a boyfriend, people are starting to think I’m a lesbian. I’m just… I wasn’t interested in guys until I was like… fourteen or something. And well, I only fell in love one time, and that didn’t work out. I’m not going to pretend I like someone if I don’t. Some girls get a boyfriend just to have a boyfriend, but I don’t want to be that kind of girl. Not waiting for Mr. Right either, just for a nice guy to fall in love with… Oh well, I’ve got to put him out of my mind, he doesn’t like me back, he already told me back then, I’m not going to embarrass myself in front of him again. Right, school, I’m going to school, school’s nice way to get your mind of things or guys. XxX winterwoods.

Yeah, the title is a song from Maria Mena. I've been listening to a lot of her songs lately. This song kind of got to me, I guess... I read on songmeanings what the meaning of the song was, because all I understood of it was that she wanted to better, thinner, prettier. Well, I pretty much felt like that all my life. So I read she wrote it, because of her eating disorder, she had anorexia nervosa or something… I remember I used to be jealous of people with anorexia, because I wanted it, but couldn’t, I hardly ate at school, but then I got home and ate every last cookie and piece of candy I could find and ended up feeling very guilty and very sick. I couldn’t help myself, and sometimes I even wished I had anorexia, because then at least I would've been able to not eat all day. I wanted to be thin, so badly. Still do, I just eat more nowadays, because not eating and still working hard is exhausting. I had a chronic headache, nearly fainted and fell of the stairs several times, felt tired and grumpy. I felt so awful about the things I thought, because I knew it was wrong to want something like anorexia, it’s an illness, who on earth wants to be sick? Well, I did, still do sometimes. But the headaches, the stress, the not sleeping etcetera got to me. I had to eat, because school’s important to me, without school and learning and books I’m nothing, useless. But now I eat too much, I hate exercising, working out at the gym and stuff like that, because I always feel like people are laughing at me behind my back, think I look ridiculous and disgusting. I sometimes think I’m too fat to go outdoors. I can’t help but mind what other people think of me. I’m so terribly insecure, too insecure to tell anyone, so I put it on this website where nobody’s knows who I am. I’m such a coward. I know I shouldn’t care about other people, I’m the way I am and as long as I don’t have a problem with that, neither should anybody else have. But that’s just not the way it works for me. I’m glad I have a few friends nowadays, not best friends, but friends nevertheless. They know I’m shy, introvert and just not good with people, but they don’t know it’s such a big deal to me, that I take things so seriously. And when I hear some really pretty girl in my class has a tendency to eat too little and might have anorexia, I just get angry. What does she has to worry about? She’s pretty, and already way too skinny. I’m not, people don’t call me fat, when I say I’m fat, people respond with things like ‘you’re not fat, you just have big bones’ or ‘you’re just a little bit chubby, nothing wrong with that’. Well, fat, chubby, obese, it’s actually al the same for me, ‘not thin’. And it’s not just that I’m fat, I could go on and on about al the thing bothering me about my looks or personality. But I never do, I don’t want to complain, this is the first time I really write down what’s bothering me, talking about is not even an option for me. I know people are going to tell that I shouldn’t feel so sorry for myself, that I’m being a drama queen or whatever. They won’t understand, I’m not going to try and explain.

This feels like a diary on the internet, different than a blog, because I know nobody will read this, nor will they care ;). And this gives me an excuse to write in English, which I love. If I graduate this year, (which is kind of doubtful, oh well...) then I'm definitely going to Dublin or somewhere else where they speak English. There’s this company in Holland that gives you the opportunity to go to a foreign country and learn their language. I’m thinking of going to Dublin or Edinburgh. Not that I don’t want to go to London, but… I don’t know, I think I’d like it better in a city like Dublin. I’m planning to go for 3 months or so. I would really love it, just because my English will improve there. How great would it be to have this british accent en be able to talk like a native speaker. *sigh* Too bad I have to wait so long before I can go. First I have school exams, then final exams. Then I will have to work the entire vacation, or else I can’t afford to go. It annoys me, I’m so sick of this place and my school. Six years on one place is way too long. I want to meet new people, have new experiences… stuff like that. But no, I have to go to school every day. Although today wasn’t too bad, yesterday was worse. We have to make this play for school and I’m the head of the writing group. I really love writing, but I don’t like people. And these people in my class just annoy me so badly! I’m not easily angered, but I’ll make an exception for them. I work my ass of for this play and all they do is complain. But oh well, now the writing group has come up with an idea they actually like, (I don’t, but they don’t care, as long as we write it) and we can finally start writing. We have four more weeks to finish it. I was really excited to do this, but my motivation is kind of gone right now. I don’t even want to write it anymore… I really don’t like people. We also had a test, English vocabulary (I passed, 87% correct ^^). And we talked about English literature, from the romantic age. We discussed Blake and Scott and Lord Byron. I really like poetry actually, it’s too difficult to read on my own, but discussing it with the class is really cool. Even though there’re like only three people actually participating in the discussion. I like the romantic age as well. I’ve already read Wuthering Heights and Jane Eyre. I’m planning to read Agnes Grey as well, but I still have so much to read for Dutch literature as well. I like that to, but the Romantic Age wasn’t really a big thing here in Holland, so mostly I don’t like the genre or theme of the books. We’ve read Goethe for German today, he’s difficult, but he is a romantic as well. I think I’m a romantic as well, with my writing, and drawing. I idealise things and stuff like that. But I think there are a lot of romantics nowadays, with everybody complaining that civilisation is leading us to hell or something like that. I’m just wondering if we’ll ever discuss the Romantic Age with French as well… We’ve had Latin as well today, that Cicero dude is kind of funny. His Latin is very nice as well, I like it more that Livius or Catulle (he’s gross, actually) (don’t know if I got the names right, in English they’re different than in Dutch). It’s too bad we can’t read Cicero for our final exams. Oh well, I didn’t plan on discussing my entire day, but I guess I still did. I had maths as well today, but I don’t like maths, so I’m not going to talk about that in my free time :p. There are a lot of birthdays coming up, I found out. It’s pretty inconvenient for me, because I don’t have much money this period. But the good thing about it is that I can go to a lot of parties. Get away from home. I would really like to get away from home, actually… Oh well, I could talk a lot more about people and other boring stuff. But I won’t, I have homework to do :(. XxX winterwoods