they bug me. They really do. Constantly talking about how good their live is. Or whining about how bad it is, when it's not even that bad. Oh, and I mean me as well. I do it constantly. I should appreciate the life I have, I'm just not very appreciative, can't help it. BLAH! I just... I... God, I don't know. I think this is about the meeting I had today, for the schoolplay... I don't know, I can't really talk about it right now. Just going to ... sleep. Yes, sleep. I've slept six hours a night this week, no wonder I'm tired. XxX winterwoods

It figures that because of my insecurity I’m also not very immune to stress. Well, that’s not a good sign when I have a lot to do :s. I’m listening to ‘kiss you off’ from the Scissor Sisters, hoping that will calm me down, but it’s not really working… I do like the Scissor Sisters though, there my new favourite band ^_^. Just for a while though, I’m still hooked on The Kooks, Kate Bush, Our Lady Peace and stuff. Elemeno P too, they’re cool. Too bad they live like on the other side of the world or something (read: New Zealand). I discovered Steven Lynch as well, he’s an American cabaret singer, I think. He’s got really cool stuff, I downloaded some. But that’s not really helping me doing my homework :S. I still have to dig through all these newspapers for a history assignment, and I have to write another text for Dutch. (I really hate Dutch) And I have to write a dozen mails to friends, they’re waiting for me to write an email and it’s kind of rude that I’ve kept them waiting for so long… I don’t have many friends, so why do I treat the few friends I have so badly? Sometimes I really don’t get myself… But that’s normal, I guess. Yeah well, I’m still freaking out because of the amount of homework I have. I really should start on that. (I don’t want to! I’m going to start whining in a few moments you know…). And I don’t even have intervals tomorrow, nor free periods. I’m going to die tomorrow. How will I be able to eat?! And I’m kind of… annoyed by family. Don’t know why, but that’s probably caused by adolescence, or at least that’s what people keep telling me. Just like my insecurity, it’s all just adolescence. And one day I’ll grow up and suddenly I won’t be annoyed by people so often and I will become very confident and successful. Sure. Well, that’s it for now I guess. I’m going to start on that homework :(. XxX winterwoods

For god sake, my inspiration has al vanished since this weekend. I had to write two scenes for the play. Tomorrow there’s another meeting, they want to write more scenes these week, but I don’t think I’ll be able to write more, I’m so busy. So many things to do. The play is just the most fun thing to do. Question, why are fragments not allowed in English grammar! It’s so annoying, in the Dutch language people don’t make such a fuss about it (I mean, people who check for grammar). But, ehm, well. I don’t really know what to write. I’m going to take a shower in a few minutes. I have a headache. I’m very tired and stressed out. But I can’t be, because I want to participate in a project for high levelled students, so my grades have to be more than perfect :(. I will never manage that, but… I WANT TO! I mean, god, they have a special project about Russia. Russia I tell you, Russia! I love Russia. Russian history. Russian alphabet. Sigh, I love it. And Dublin. I’m just a total language lover. Yeah, tutoring Latin, I’m thinking about really doing that… And exercising, I’m thinking about doing that, too. Gee, I don’t know, I first have to think if that’s possible with my inferiority problems… I’ll think about it for a while. Well, I have to learn for a history test, and read some German. So bye. XxX winterwoods

I was writing Harry/Ginny fanfiction and this came up. It's just a drabble, so no story around it... yet :p. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I couldn’t give you what you wanted. I wanted to give what you needed. I tried to tell you everything you wanted to hear. I just couldn’t. I’m sorry that I loved you so much I had to keep you in my life, as my little secret. I know you’re not supposed to be a secret. You’re… you. But I’m me. I want to apologise to you, but I don’t think it’s possible. I tried to go to you, to tell you how sorry I was, but they stopped me. They always do. I’m sorry, I should have tried harder. I know you think I should’ve. You always thought of me as weak and I never told you how right you were. I’m weak without you and I want you back. I’m sorry they buried you. I should have told them you wanted to be cremated. I’m so sorry that I’m such a mess, but I can’t live without you. Oh, and I decided I don't like the boy anymore, and I'm thinking about tutoring in Latin... That's it for now. XxX winterwoods

Yes, I officially have a cold now. Sniff. I got soaked again this morning. I hate the weather. Maybe I should buy a raincoat… I’m still kind of confused… I thought it would be nice to write my thoughts down here, to get it of me, though I have a feeling that my insecurity has only gotten worse. Maybe that is because I think too much. Err, right, I’ve always done that, never been an issue before (well, it has, but has been dismissed as well). I had a 9 for my English essay :D. The teacher even told me personally how much he liked it ^^. I was very glad, of course. It made my day, because I wasn’t feeling so well before. A friend of mine was really tired and grumpy, and I think that’s contagious or something. Anyhow, I got all grumpy as well. You know, I’m thinking about going to the gym more often, but I think I’m much too insecure. I can’t do anything because of that damn insecurity, I really wish there was a way to get rid of it. But then I’ll have to talk about it. Blaaah. I hate this :(. I’m going to sleep now. Bye. XxX winterwoods

Even when you're not having fun actually. We've already been in school for more than a month. I lend this book in the school library that was a week late. I brought it back today. Didn't notice time going by so fast. We had gym again. It was... better. I had fun, BodyJam, that's what we did. I call it dancing like a loonatic. Same difference. I didn't cry though, not there anyhow. At home, yeah, couldn't help myself. I'm so insecure and I don't like hiding it, but I think I'm losing my friends like this, being insecure. I've already lost the option of having a life, I don't want to lose the few friends I have. Or maybe they aren't even my real friends. Sigh. I hate being insecure. Isn't there something you can do about it? There must be. I'm cold and not feeling well. Yesterday I rode through the rain for 15 minutes and even my underwear was soaked. I think I'm coming up with a cold now. I WANT TO GO TO DUBLIN. but nooo, I have to do exams first and finish high school. You can't just learn English without knowing why. Grrr. Oh well, I'm feeling cranky and sick, and My latin homework awaits me. So... yeah. Just one wise message to leave you with: Mens sana in corpore sano It's kind of true, too bad. XxX winterwoods

''I think I have a problem, I think I think too much.'' Sometimes I feel like she knows me, singing about me. Probably that only means that I'm normal, ordinairy, plain. Not that that matters of course. XxX winterwoods

I LOVE weekend! A friend of mine is giving a party tonight, for her birthday. We’re going to watch some movies and ‘the lama’s’ (that’s Dutch cabaret). I actually don’t really feel like going, I’m very tired (busy week) and I know from past experiences that those parties mostly aren’t much fun for me. I met her through the internet, and we go to the movies and stuff together, and that’s fun! But those parties… well, she’s very shy, and I’m very shy. And I don’t know her friends and she does (of course). So mostly she kind of ignores me, not on purpose of course, and I don’t really say anything at all. I don’t really mind, I’m a quiet person, but it’s so boring, and I’m really tired. I’m afraid I’ll fall asleep :(. And I’ve got a lot of homework to do, and Saturday I have stuff to do. But oh well, I’ll probably manage… Yes, the boy. He’s still there, at school, in my thoughts, kind of. I’m trying to ignore him, not think about him to much. I was watching him (unnoticed of course) during interval, and I really don’t know what I like so much about him. His mouth is strange and he’s so… I don’t know. He looks like a farmer or something :p. We had English literature again today! I wish I lived in the romantic period, reading all those poems every day. Sigh. We’re still reading Wordsworth and his poems are fantastic. We read ‘we are seven’ and ‘beauteous evening’. Lovely, the way he describes nature in that last one. Because of the first poem we had a discussion about children and if they have a better image of death than adults. It was really interesting, too bad one of my classmates started snoring after an half an hour and my teacher took that as a sign that we didn’t want to read any more poems. Oh, and I hate this playwriting stuff. We’ve been brainstorming for FOUR WEEKS now! And we’ve still don’t got a clue on how we’re going to do this. Just one more thing, with the last log, I didn’t mean that the guy that offended me thinks he’s better than everyone else. Those kind of people offend me as well. But anyhow, the guy didn’t really offend me, he apologised and everything was ok :).

I, winterwoods, am very offended by people who think they know everything, who think they're better than you. And I'm very busy, and stressed out. Gah, I hate stress, I can't handle stress. This week is just awful. Tuesday we had PE, we went to a fitnessclub and followed a spinning course. Well, as I go to school by bike every day, and that is rather far, I thought I would manage. Of course, I was wrong, I'm always wrong. Thank god that you sweat during exercising, so no one noticed the tears streaming down my face. After an hour or so we were done, I was the first one in the lockerroom to change and stuff. I just sat there waiting for my friends (they had the key to the locker) and catching my breath. When they came in one of them asked if I was alright and I just started crying. I couldn't help myself, I'm such a crybaby. The entire time I had this feeling that everybody was looking at me, thinking about how fat I was and how ugly I looked. I mean, I was sweating, and red, and my eyes were all puffy because of the crying, and my hair was like snape's because of the sweat. Well, they tried to comfort me, telling me I wasn't ugly and stuff, but well, I don't believe them, but it's nice of them to try and cheer me up. So I acted all happy after that and cried some more at home. Err, today at school was... hectic. The director of the schoolplay (he's also just a classmate) came to school today. He thought the ideas we had for the play were awful, and he was the one who offended me. Well, he apologised later, he didn't realise he was offending me, telling me all the ideas and plans I had, sucked. But now we still have to come up with a new idea

Yes, I know, this is my second entry this day, but I don’t care. We had another meeting with the play writing group. It was kind of fun now, one guy didn’t show up, so the group was very small. You could talk easier now, and people would hear you and stuff like that. Last meeting the group was just too big, everyone was talking at the same time. Now we came up with more ideas within an hour, last time we talked for 75 minutes, and still didn’t know shit. But now we do. I’m supposed to be developing the characters right now :). I’m working on it, so that’s nice. Getting my mind of things, like I said I would. I talked to him for about five minutes today. For me it takes 25 minutes to go home, by bike. And I went home in my free period and stuff. That was so weird, I rode on my bike for a hundred minutes today, and every single one of those minutes I thought about him. That’s unhealthy, right? Well, I’d love to write more, but I’m going to develop those characters now ;). XxX winterwoods