alright, so tomorrow is a year... its 7.25 but i dont feel like writing about the year, im not even sure that i will.. haha. but idk i wanted to write a new one so i could read something besides the day before court.. shit is so much better right now. and even tho nothing has started, its going to be better. idk it all worked out i guess. well i just wanted to say that.. ahah tomorrow mike is coming :] i hope everything goes.. smoothly? idk... i feel bad about this.. i hope luke doesnt call.. i mean he hasnt in like the past week so i dont think he will , but i would feel like a slut =x. anyway.. ill write more later.. im not in the mood to reflect on everything.. WHUDAFXUP with milk? i thought that was funny. PEACEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. :D

im so scared. im.. so scared. someone please, tell me its going to be alright tell me its going to end i dont think i can handle it being an worse than it is right now. i cant take another day of being afraid of whats going to happen. please, make this end. make it be over. i dont deserve this. why is this happening to me? why is this happening just tell me why. do i really deserve this? am i that reckless? am i that much of a disappointment? i know who i want to be im not mental and i dont need help just tell me how to fix it. im just like you, trying to figure out life, just like you. please dont be harsh on me. becuase i cant take it being any worse than it is. help me. please. make it be over. slow down stop stop 11:18 PM - is everything going to be ok? i dont want to go. who am i? i miss winter days where the sun set at 4. and the snow would get in my shoes.. i miss walking across st charles. i miss listening to Do U in the car with Gracz. i miss pong at mikeys and ihop with julia at 7 am totally hungover. i miss being someone.. different. someone who thought techno was new. i miss the darkness of the classrooms around christmas. i miss the dumb fights me and the fantastic four would get in. i miss talking shit on notes to ashley in the middle of social studies. i miss learning all about my new hobby.. i miss JULIA. my sister. she left me. i miss that happy feeling i would get in the freezing cold car at 2 am. i miss sneaking out with mikey and not remembering the next day, nor caring. i miss making fun of tommy passing the fuck out. i miss pissing in mikeys toliet and having to be the fuck quiet. i miss smoking 20 cigarettes a night while watching anne hathaway on this prono. i miss walking with mikey.. i miss that night on the hill. i miss black christmas. i miss drunk movies with ashley. i miss getting ready from 3-5 at my house. i miss getting wasted with gina on new years. i miss michael falling out of molly's car. i miss the smell in the air... i miss the snow days. i miss the park with 10 feet of snow, and sitting in the mall with a puddle around me. i miss gloria jeans. i miss the winter of 07. ill say it. I MISS IT. and i cant believe i was upset then.. because if i knew that was th best part of the year i wouldnt have thought twice about anything. and for the first time in a while, my mind was on something else, on a better time. im sorry that i did this.. im sorry that i became something so shameful. why.. why am i still here? 5DAYS. AND ITS BEEN A YEAR. HOW DO YOU FEEL? ITS BEEN ONE YEAR 365 DAYS 52 WEEKS. AND HOW DO YOU FEEL? DO YOU FEEL BETTER!?!?!?!?!

I NEED A CAR I NEED A CAR I NEED A CAR I NEED A CAR I NEED A CAR I NEED A CAR I NEED A CAR I NEED A CAR I NEED A CAR I NEED A CAR I NEED A CAR I NEED A CAR I NEED A CAR I NEED A CAR I NEED A CAR more later. but let it be known that the day i get my license, will be the best day of my whole fucking life.

the last time i did this i think it helped. when i could just list what i feel, not having to explain it. tommy is fucking dumb. i dont even know what the fuck i was thinking. and i cant believe i was that fucking stupid. god i wish i could punch myself for that. luke!?!?! why does it seem like im the ONE person he doesnt want to talk to!? i dont understand what the fuck is even going on, and its really digging at me. all i can think about is him... or mike! because i can't seem to sit here all alone. I just wish that i could IM mikey, and talk to him. sometimes i think he's all that helps me. and i miss him so much, and i'm never going to admit that... ever. Imran, a self centered ass most of the time. always wants to talk about his issues, and then when i have one, boom! its all about me. whatever, fuck you. nice talk nathan. im glad there's someone else out there. mike.. do you miss me? do you want me back? do you love me? what the fuck is going on. this game is so OVER. IM NOT HOOKING UP WITH YOU RYAN. wow oh, and carly! ahha FUCK YOU. i cant even stand looking at you, your the fakest person that i have ever met in my life. you lead people on, and you have reinvented the name "FAKEMYSPACEBITCH." haha. hope your happy fucking idiot. sometimes i get off. fourth drink instinct, APPROPRIATE. why does it feel like no one senses when something is wrong? why do i want them to? _xx.

Politics- Fuck the conservatives. its about time that we got the hell out of Iraq. if we weren't so greedy with oil then we wouldn't even be stuck in the middle east. we need to get a new president, and hopefully they wont fuck everything up like Bush seemed to. I'm a liberal at heart, and i believe strongly in helping the environment. I think that global warming will destroy the planet, and if you don't care, then you are a heartless idiot. I also think that people should pay attention to politics. Your going to be voting soon, you might as well know who the fuck the president is! Fake Girls/Myspace Whores/6th Graders- To all these girls that think its cute to post half naked pictures of yourself on myspace are just plain stupid. Writing a novel for an about me telling us all about you 'hard times' and how your not like everyone else, doesn't make you look cooler. Changing your picture every week is pointless! We know who you are and what you look like, thanks. No one wants to read about your BFFFFFFLZZZZZ LyKE OMgzzzzzzzzzzz ! no thanks. your so stupid. changing your about me and top 8 everyday DOES NOT MAKE YOU COOLER! If your fake, good for you, have fun making friends in high school. If your a 6th grade whore, HAHA. have fun with that, because in 7th and 8th + grades, your going to get your ass beat. Boys- Impossible. They will never be understandable or tolerable. End. Gay Marriage- I support. I don't think its anyone's business who others choose to love and spend their lives with. If it's not your marriage, then back the fuck off. Abortion- Fuck the men who think they can tell women what choices they have. I do agree with the fact that it effects the economy, thats a fact, but I support the fact that women should be able to have abortions if they choose. Music- If you just like mainstream; you know nothing about music. I listen to the music that i love, and not to mention... the good shit. I really don't care what kind of music you like or listen to, just don't IM me and tell me ' OMG THE SONG ITS MY LIFE BY DJ INPHINITY IS SO GOOD.' thanks, i know its from DT4. My music consists of Alternative, Techno, Rap & Hip Hop etc. i DON'T especially enjoy country, if you do, more power to you. Drives me fucking crazy when people think MY HUMPS is a hip track. No. Just, No. I'll respect your music if you return the same respect to me and my music. Drugs and Alcohol- I drink, I smoke. I do not roll xtc. I do not smoke crack, and I DO NOT snort cocaine or meth. I've made mistakes, and done some pretty stupid shit. You think i'm trash or stupid? alright, you have every right to, and i'll probably agree with you. You choose how to live your life, and I'll choose how to live mine. Religion- I am Catholic. I do not pray before eating. I do not read the bible. I have been to church about 6 times in my life. I believe in God. I don't think people should be treated differently over religion. It's the dumbest thing to fight over. You can believe whatever the fuck you want to. Your beliefs are yours, and always will be. Race- I don't believe in racism. That doesn't mean i haven't told a racist joke, but I really try not to. I don't understand why the color of your skin has any effect on who you are as a person. For the people who think all blacks, asians, or muslims are bad; Fuck you. Grow the fuck up. I have friends of every race, and I'm damn proud of it. Vegitarians- Good for you. I can't do it, and I need the protein, but more power to you. Abstinence- Your choice. Have fun when you marry someone, and then have the worst sex the rest of your life. Oh, and if condoms didnt work ( which is what the school wants us to believe ) the worlds population would be way more the 6.5 billion. and every teenage girl you know would be carrying diaper bags. Anarchy- ahahahahahha. I WISH. if only it could work! write more laterrrrrrrrr :D

i am so confused. my head hurts. tommy!? wtffffffffffff. i really dont even know. xtc!? MY HEAD IS IN 2938 DIFFERENT PLACES. bermuda = 2days. cool! anyhow, im goin to sleep? 1:00 am. write more later. goodnight. :/

i guess i kind of wanted to remember this feeling. im not sad. i think im fiending. i hate to use that word, but i think that describes a lot of what we go through. teenagers. we want to fit so much. and it kills us when we see people that are fitting in, and we arent. this is all so random. and not really what i wanted to talk about here. do you ever just miss someone? do you ever just want to be with someone because they make the worst thing that much better? you just want to be with someone that can make you smile when you think nothing can get better. you want to see how happy they can make you.. but its such a two way street. because whenever someone makes you that happy, they have you in the perfect place to drop you, and when they do, its going to hurt so badly. i think this whole happy hormone thing is so true. when you drink or smoke or roll or whatever, your with someone or you let out all of this happiness. and then when your not doing it, you want to. because when you do that again, or you see that person or people, you remember that night and how happy you were, and you just wish you could feel that way sober. i think thats one of the hardest feelings. wanting something so badly, that you would do almost anything to get it. its so hard to find something that can reliably make you happy. its so hard to find something that will never let you down. something that will never fail you, something that you can never lose. there can be so many examples. idk my brain is everywhere . tommy. gah . the one thing i hate the most about this.. is feeling like a lovesick 3 year old. i hate the feeling.. or being less. of being humiliated. of being laughed at. of being the dumb one. but sometimes i think that letting it out can help in some way? i guess he makes me feel so free, he never judged me . he never cared. and i guess i feel so good around him, i get so happy. i hate this, so many things run through my mind, i want to list them I WANT TO ROLL , i am so pissed that those were bunk i love to drink & i want to drink with tommy again i dont want to leave in a week i want to stay here julia pisses the fuck out of me, i want to fuck over mikey i dont want to be here right now. i hate feeling less. i hate the fact that i dont have cigs. i want a car. fiending . a perfect word. x. on your porch , the format.

duuude. happy birthday dad =] ahah, yesterday . all i am going to say about that .. is WOW. (Dave's Car) i know that i had a weird fucked up dream , cuz i woke up a bunch of times and now that im thinking about it.. i know it was something weird . i hope jessica isnt mad . damn if she knew what i was doing and where the fuck i was i think i would be killed.. its so shady . i have to say i kinda like the summer scars . i have my hand , i have something on my wrist , and then i have my fucking foot . lol its kinda funny . anyhowwwwwwwww. its been fun, like i have to say that i wish i had my friends with me . i cant deny the favt that meeting all these new people alone is kinda scary and sorry to say .. BORING? but i wish i had a legit friend that i can bring along and we could have fun with . but i hate to say that i think gina would be awesome , but its not like im going to hang out with her now . im glad that mikey stared talking to me now? i guess, id rather just have it like that then him ignore me and try to make weird conversation with tommy . but lets see, since like last sunday i have been with tommy. idk i like the way its going =] the friendship . yeah we've made out and shit, idc . it doesnt matter. lmao ok , let me just say this before i forget . I MISS GRACZ! even though i didnt know him as well as others, he was one of those people that has an impact on so many people without even being that close to them . its amazing how he could make anyone in the room laugh and smile . i get so sad when we drive by his crib becuase it reminds me of those times with me and gracz in the back and then julia and mikey in the front. thats kind of symbolic i think . all of us were differnet ages, and we hung out, and had a lot of fun. i miss him so much, the way he would be like 'DAMN! nev lookin sexxxy !' he made me smile, and he made julia so happy. hes going to be back sooner than i think . its sad that sme of these techno songs remind me so much of those 2 months . like Kiss your lips , and Do u.. becuase i remember being in mikeys basement and just being so fucked up and having so much fun. Anyway, Mike Gracz, come home soon please. everyone misses you more than they know. your presence has been missed. i love you mike!!

bored .. im blown. dude mike has been coming here for the past two days .. damn. now what am i supposed to do ? FUCKK . its like i cant do this again. thats so lame . uhh this has been boring , & i know this weekend is going to come and mom is going to ask about it .. like what im going to do , besides campp . well i guess i have to go out more.. running or swiming or sumthing . well i guess so . uhh where the patys at ~ Phanta C . E by dj inpty. on the floor DJROZZZZZZ :D

1. i really don't like you . you think you're always right , when in reality, your never correct. your grammar sucks ass, and your pretty fucking stupid. No one wants your boyfriend, so stop acting like we all want to fucking steal him. You dress like a whore, and all the eyeliner in the world isn't going to do jack shit. i think your stupid and really immature and changing into something that your not. sorry to say this, but i wish you wouldn't go to east .. so i don't have to hear about your trashy ass getting into fights. 2. wow, you annoy the living shit out of me. honestly GET AWAY!!! don't go in my room, actually do me a favor and don't come to my fucking house! you make me want to cry cuz your THAT annoying. you always tell people shit that i conveniently don't need them knowing, which is a pain in the ass. not everyone thinks your cool , actually no one does. your too argumentative and it drives everyone crazy. your so ugly too, so stop liking girls that are way out of your league. 3. you are so nice. i'm so glad that i met you this year! you are truly one of the sweetest girls that i know. you never get into drama , and your friends with who you really love. you and I always have fun when we hang out, and i hope that we can get closer over the years. you so awesome! 4. your just so fucking weird. you can be fun, don't get me wrong, but at times you freak me out. you always talk in the same voice tone and it makes you sound like a man. you laugh at anything someone says, and it gets old. i have come to realize that you have no personality really. you are stuck on one guy that isn't even worth looking at, let alone liking. you should think about who you want to waste your time with. 5. ahhhh. i met you this year.. and at times i'm thankful, and others i want to run away. one thing that i wish i could tell you is not everything has to be perfect. sometimes i just want to scream in your face, because you and all your friends think that getting the best grades, and not having fun is the way to live your life. well your all wrong.. i just want to tell all you fuckers that you wasted your time.. BIG MISTAKE. you had no fun, you learned nothing about yourselves because you were too bust reading. middle school was a time of change and to learn who you truly are.. you did nothing of the sort. you guys were so self involved in your grades that you have gained no knowledge of the world. your mistake. one day you might learn that an A+ in school won't give you common sense and wisdom. 6. You made me happy when i needed it. Thank You . 7. i'm never really honest with you. i've liked and hooked up with other people, which is something that i shouldn't do, but technically i was allowed to. you have always been there for me, and i try to be there for you as well. i love talking to you, even though many people don't approve of it. you make me laugh all the time, and your so fun to be with. there's always been that one thing that makes you and I clash, and it held us back from something that may have been great. I can't believe your leaving, i'm going to miss you so much, but I know that we won't lose touch. you have truly made me a better person. i love you so much. 8. I can't even say anything about you! i don't even know enough about you! i kind of just met you .. but i love to hang out with you. you are so funny and we have a lot of fun together. i just can never see myself getting close to you, because something is so off. your awesome, and i know we'll be close for a long time. i'm glad i met you. 9. ughhh . you make me very mad sometimes. i have to say that you're a whole lot of fun. being your friend felt great, but i'm glad i got away. I like you a lot as a person, i just think you want too many things. you are starving for the spotlight, and it's very annoying. it sucks that other people's mistakes and misfortunes had to take a toll on our friendship, but i guess everything happens for a reason. i'll always be here if you need me. you're a good person. 10. wow. you piss me off to another degree. you are so fucking concieded and honestly only think about yourself. i hate how you treat other people. you talk about people like its your goddamn job! i don't know if you knew this... but its fucking RUDE to go up to someone and ask them about personal issues just so you can have the inside scoop to tell other people. who the fuck do you think you are? i'm so fucking glad i don't fall for your bullshit & i'm glad you know it. i think you know exactly how i react, and you get mad because i'm one of the only people who don't tell you what you want to hear. good, i'm glad. you might want to take your head out of everyone's business before you get your fucking ass beat. 11. i freaking love you! you're so sweet! i've known you for 2 years now and i ADORE you. you make me laugh all the time, and we have the best times! i can talk to you about anything, and i hope you feel the same way. i wish we hung out more! you are the most gorgeous person inside and out, and i'm so happy we're friends. 12. you and me have bee through a lot. more last year though. i know you changed a lot, and i'm really happy about that. i think you realized who you are, or at least who you want to be. your an awesome person, you make me laugh all the time, and i'm glad we can still be cool after everything. i only wish you do what makes you happy because you honestly deserve nothing less. 13. who the fuck are you? changing your hair doesn't change your soul. don't treat people like you do. wake up.. change before you can't. just like in mean girls-- your hard cold shiny plastic. that's you. 14. i can't be too mean to you. because you have been there for me. you were the first person i met, and after everything i still do love you. you are an awesome person and we have way too many memories. i miss the way you used to be. i just want you to know that you need to chill on the boys. boys aren't everything and you act like they are. don't be so self involved.. and i think you can go really far. 15. You're family. You're my best friend, i would do anything for you. i love you unconditionally.