smokinnnnnnnnnnnnnn ` dro . mtwthufri

drugs, boys, school, family. i miss him. and im not going to lie about it . i just do , i want to be with him whenever i can and i dont know why . its not like we dated for a long time and i have this need to be around him... i just like his company so much . and even tho this seems so stupid to say.. its hard to see him always with julia and shit . i know how thats going to go . everyone loves julia.. and its always been that way .shes alwyas the one that people are asking about or they want to be with . im so used to it , i mean shes my sister... what the hell am i going to do about it? its so stupid how i miss him . i just want to blaze with him and i dont kno why . things remind me of him and it sucks . just everyhting right now is a mess . when is it not a mess? i dont know why... but i have this thing about me.. its like a game . i have to do all the drugs and drink just to make myself look older or whatever .i mean yeahi love to blaze... but with my sister and tommy and mikey or bender or ram or nick. they have this awesome weed . and i may sound like a pothead and im not trying to make myslef come off like some druggie and like i kno everything about everything... but idk . its not even worth it anymore . nothing really is . im just goingto let mikey talkto me... im not even going to try . he can do whatever the fuck he wants . he didnt need me... and i dont need him. drugs or me . jimmy eat world .

i'm leslie . don't judge me . don't think that your better than me . don't act like a shady bitch , thats not even cool . i like to have fun . usually im not the happiest person in the world , but that doesnt mean im depressed . labels & everything about them can go burn in hell . people who make others feel like shit can join the labels in hell . i don't believe much in being perfect . i dont think that pretending to be perfect is going to get you any further in life , than actually living it . i believe in living in the moment & hoping for the future . i dont stick with one group of friends , i talk to who i like , and trust who i know i can. i keep my secrets to myslef , becuase frankly , i can only trust myself . i dont let others in easily . the way i see it , anyone can be anyone on a certain night . people change , so you never know who your going to fall in love with . i live with regrets , and i think everyone can agree with it . theres no point in making a huge deal about nothing , pet peeve number one . dont tell me who to be and/or what to believe . i've lived long enough to make my own descions , and i know right from wrong . i get in a bad mood extremley quickly . i dont like it when people annoy me for no reason . i dont kno why people have to provoke me , its pointless . people think i freak out for no reason , but usually its becuase i have too much on my mind not to freak out . i do things that i shouldnt , talk to people i kno aren't helping me , and say things i don't mean . i dont live life to the fullest , and i would love to be one of those people who does . i try to have as much fun as i can , while i balance my life . i dont like to always be negative , even tho most people see me as the number one pessimist . i'm usually always tired , and usually never hyper . my friends are so important to me & the complete opposite of me . people tell me all the time that i take life to seriously , and i know i do . i can get really tense , but at the same time i don't give a fuck . i live day to day , and i try to make ends meet . i honestly believe that being a teenager sucks for most to all people , and that highschool is a drama freakshow . i dont think that im the shit , or that i should be treated any more importantly than you . im not stupid , so don't try to tell me that i am . people are a lot smarter , and a lot stupider than me . i have a sister that i love so much , and basically my other half . i couldnt live without her . family sucks major ass usually , but i guess we work it out once and a while . im not one to spend too much time on anything . im impatient and antsy , its just who i am . im not a totally girly-girl , but im not a tomboy . i like my eyeliner , but i love to play sports . i swam for over half my life , and have played about all the sports girls play . school always makes sense to me , but other things make sense more to me . i dont get a lot of therioes or ideas , and i dont get a lot of people , the things i do get consist of music , sports , and keeping to myself . i hate change. i don't like loosing people who make me happy & comfortable . i have the worst self esteem , and i don't say stuff like that to get compliments . i hate public speaking , and awkward conversations with people i don't know . i believe that not one person is alike , but we all share the same basic shell . i hate it when people act like no one will ever understand them , becuase besically thats bullshit , there si always someone willing to help someone else . love is hard , and honestly something i won't experience for a while . i dont think love has an age limit , and i dont think that people sould label relationships . i love to relax , i hate being stressed out , which is usually something i am . i love music . and i actually listen to it . i know what the songs mean , and i memorize the meaning . my life doesnt suck , but i dont live the rich wonderful life some are custom to . dont use me , dont push me to the limit , dont test me , dont talk about me , dont act like you kno what im going through . dont try to comfort me with a fake smile . dont act happy fucking 24/7 , it makes you look high all the time , dont be annoying for no reason , dont act like you care , dont act like you favor me over someone else , dont rip me off , dont feed me lies . give me the truth . i love to have fun , i love to drink , i love to party , i love to get outof my shell , i love to sleep , i love boys [ ehh ] , i love music , i love rollercoasters , i love christmas , i love hugs , i love to smile , i love to cry , i love to spend summer days tanning , i love to ski , i love to sing in the shower , i love to fall asleep watching a movie , i love to get away , i love not having to worry , i love being high , i love having all my friends be happy ,i love getting good grades, i love poetry , i love sucseeding , i love not giving a fuck , i love swearing at the top of my lungs ,i love smoking , i love being in love , i love not having to worry about anything . you get one life . and you should live it , or at least try . smile , live , laugh , and love . recent . when im drunk , i speak the truth . and the truth this time i guess is that i miss mikey . i miss himso fucking much . and now that i actually look at the siuation , i look at why im mad at him , or why i regret fucking everything about us dating . what makes me so upset? and this is all when im drinking or smoking . i see why im so unhappy and who and what made me like that . i miss him becuase of how he made me feel , i miss how he held me and how he made me feel good . he made me feel like i was the one he wanted , and that he wanted to take care of me , or that he was willing to . he made me feel pretty , and important . he didnt bullshit me . ont the opposite side of it , he did use me , i did so much more than i wated to , and now look , he doesnt fucking want to talk to me? wtf is that ? honestly , makes me so fucking sick that i had to be there for him and then hes telling me that he has to change , look then i IM him , hay whats up ? ohh nothing im just FUCKING ROLLING . its like ohhhh . what else is new? like i kno thats all you do , and you picked drugs over me . whatever . im not going to be ellen for you , and i think and i kno thats what he wanted . this kid meant a lot to me , and it hurts knowing that i mean jack shit to him . winter wasnt my season . yeah fucking right , it wasnt . 8th grade sucks . !(^%%^&*(*&^% the one person i can thank is imran . thank you for being there for me . i hope that i never lose you , and this summer most def we are going to be so much closer . =] last song : BREATH 2 AM . artist: ANNA NALICK .

between black and white . there are shades of gray . more or less , darkness meets the end of the day . pain belongs to the common man , not the perfect or unknown . the fire of the forever damned will never burn as fast as love . tears dont break you down , nor do they make one strogner. an expression of loss , of one whos there no longer . life is a journey , with no begining or end . just shades of gray , and the help of a friend . counting all the mistakes , listing all the misfortunes , only conveys the darkness , but never buries the torture . live with vigilance , love with passion , regret nothing , becuase sooner or later , life forgets your mistakes .

You shouldnt cry over guys . i think its the first time that i can honestly say a guy didnt want me . he doesnt want me. thats what hurts . do i want to cut? no . i just want to sit here , becuase ive been happy lately i guess .. and i havent cried in about 2 months . when usually id cry abouy every other day . not becuase i was unhappy . it was becuase i wasnt content . i guess mikey made me feel happy . he made me feel like i was different . he took care of me . happy valentines day right ? 2 days later we break up . i dont want this to seem like he meant the world and everything . but i did care about him . and i kno i didnt mean as much to him as he meant to me . i guess it hurts . i'll get over it . worst part about this is i have no control over what he does .. not like i did with mike . it sucks . this is why i listen to emo music . song: sewn . artist: the feeling .

i think about my life . and its not bad , but its not good . i guess everyone wants the same things when theyre my age . good friends , maybe a boyfriend or something . but look at where we are . do you think that i fit in with the people that i hang out with ? no , becuase im just not like them . i dont hang out with them as much as they hang out with eachother . they dont care about anyone but theirselves , and i can only hope that one day thats going to come back and hit them in the face . and i kno that in highschool its going to be hard .. and theyre going to say .. "oh , i dont give a shit. " but you know they do . should i let them become closer? or should i try to join in? becuase i can always try , but its not like they want to . and see how good of friends i have , to not respect adnything i do , and not be there when somethng bad happens , and just becuase they hug out with one person that weeked , they put them on their top 12 . whatever ,i think its bullshit . i dont even talk to them anymore.. well not bella . look , shes on right now . i make choices everytime i see her , do i IM her ,? should i even have to think about it ? i guess only some people are there for you , some arent . dont you wish you could move away ? dont you wish theat you could start over , and be who you really want .. psh , i guess i said that when i moved here , what did i know ? i was in 6th grade. u have never grown so much as a person than i have in the last 2 years . i dont even know who i am . i guess i know kinda of.. but i can't say that i'm for sure . idc . about any of it . mikey . ashley . gina . carly . BELLA ! i just dont care . ugh . last song : chasing cars . artist: snow partol , "[ (*&^%$#$%^&*(*&^%$#$%^&* . ADDING ON TO AANY OF THE BULLITONS IN THE MONTH OF JANUARY . mikey doesnt help , he hurts . makes me worse . just wait .

As the days pass slowly And the weeks creep by I find myself obsessing About ways that i could die I lay awake at night Thinking of my pain There's no way it can get better I have nothing left to gain Suddenly thought of death Are controlling my every move And every battle with my mind I always seem to lose I no longer want to bearound The peoples that i love All that I can think about Is whats waiting up above I cut my arms with razor blades to dull the pain inside But that can only last so long I don't want to be alive I manage to keep my composure When peoples are around They wouldn't understand so I don't make a sound I smile when i have to I break down when i don't I know I should be strong but i also know i won't So i plan to take some pills It shouldn't take too long I write out notes to all my friends to read when i am gone I ask my mom to understand that life is just too hard my mind can't fight it anymore my heart is far to scarred i plan it out so perfectly i even set a date im pretty sure im ready i kno this is my fate My bed is made up neatly As i take them one by one I start to feel a little scared I know I'm almost done All that I can think about is how I'm letting go and how much I love my family I really hope they know my eyes are getting heavy my body feels so weak everything inside is so numb thats the way it has to be I'm glad my moms not here right now to watch me slowly die but still i wish that i could say "i love u and good-bye" I give in to the darkness I slowly slip away I hope I go to heaven where dark night turns to day I wake up in confusion I don't know where i am is this heaven, or is it hell the land of the eternally damned There are peoples all around although i can barely see I can hear the soothing voices of peoples dear to me my family and friends are here comforting one another I can hardly make out any words until I hear my mother each tear she cries feels like a knife stabbing at my soul I let my pain and suffering blind me from my goal at one point I was determinded to make it through this test to lead a life of fulfillment and to do my very best but I lost all sight of that I hope she can forgive I promise not to waste my second chance to live I sit up in my hospital bed tears streaming down my cheeks my mother rushes over crying like she hasnt seen me in weeks I tell her I am sorry for causing so much strife I tell her that i will succeed in leading a better life together we figured out a way for me to get some help I knwo now that I can go to her instead of it myself I know that it's not over yet it's a long road up ahead but I appreciate the little things because i could be dead I've learned to live each passng day as if it were my last I look forward to the future and I'm learning from my past

so many things make me mad. just knowing that people you once trusted have turned to shit. and honestly thats not the bad part . the bad part is just feeling like you have no one there . even if you kno you do . there are people there , but sometimes you want certain people there . and its so shady how my friends would turn on me like that . thats the shittiest part about all of this . becuase its over nothing . yeah i get the whole bella thing , but once again wtf why would it have even mattered if i was there or not? you think i would rather be there and not with my sister . yeah right . some things just make me sick . i feel like sleeping unitl 2060 .

i can easily say that this is the worst year . Y0URxG0RGE0US: go smoke some squares with the chinck Y0URxG0RGE0US: in china yeah.. bffl . i guess u have to realize that no one is trustworthy . i think i kno that now. this is where emo music hits us ... we realize thats why it was created . just keep thinking you can get through it . i dont even know.

not alot happens . i mean nothing new i guess . i dont like to talk to people . i think that i have learned that about myself . i dont like help , and i dont need people saving me . but at the same time , i love it when i kno a boy wants to be there for me , and i like the feeling when i kno someone is taking care of me . but i have to say , there are times , where its like ohk , i can take care of myself , becuase i was raised like that . i was practically raised by me anyway . i guess what i learned yesterday was why i drink . i dirnk becuase i want an excuse to pour my heart out to someone else . i want the feeling that i can say " ohh sorry iw as fucked up , i guess that slipped out." when i kno what i said and why i said it . yeah wehn im drunk i might not be able to stand up , but i kno what im saying , and i know what im doing . and i think tat everyone can admit .. they like to drink becuase theyre the opposite of who they usually are . i think i drink so people know that i can be fun , and i can let go ... and just be the girl that i would love to be . crazy and loose , and i can dance ! its the feeling that your different , and its still you . it makes me happy , and it makes me feel better . but the fact that it's drinking isn't good . i don'tlike to think about that fact that i drink at age 14 . no i dont like that , yeah it makes me seem trashy . and i dont think that i am . idk i guess i am who i am and thas one of the things that mikey has taught me . mikey and i havent even been dating for long , but i can already tell that he helps me . he helps me come out a little , and even if we get into little fights becuaseof it , in the end , it helps , becuase its like he wants to being the real me out , even if it means shaking up my world a little bit . grades are shitty , school sucks , but what else is new? basketball tryouts tomorrow . i can only pray for my spot on A . but yeah i guess have to rely on the talent . which i dont even have lol . carma , its a bitch , and i want to change mine . omg oth is back this week . makes meso happy . !! haha yay . =] i guess ill check in later , yo . last song heard: Gravity artist: JOHN MAYER BITCH =]] xxnightttt .