i was thinking, about mike. can you make me a promise? next time you say your done, YOUR DONE. you mean it. not that that time is coming, but, just kno that you have to except that. you have to move on eventually, and you cant let the present interfere with the past and the future. i remember when mike metz was ON top of me, i thought NO NO NO NO , i cant, and guess what, i didn't. that was the hardest thing, to say NO . but i did, i refused, i left, yeah there were consequences, but i will never do that again. i learn from my mistakes. i was talking to luke, and chad, and it hit me, they think that i can do better than mike. i ws thinking, and hoesntly, i dont give a shit, i dont care. i mean i dont crae what they think. but i love him. i cant get this off of my head. colin said i was "big". thats my biggest fear. and i hate that door, and i hate to open it, but what else am i supposed to do ? i hate feeling bad. i hate feeling like i'm fat, or big. i cant wait until basketball., im making A, i dont care, im not "big" i hate that. i need mike, i need him to tell me im not. =[ whatever, fuck tht. i bet more ppl want to fuck me than colin =0 i miss remy, i hope he's happy, please tell me he is. please, he needs to be. ='[ last song heard: be yourself. artist: audioslave [ha, how fitting] P.S. write when mike is ungrounded. =] xx.

second entry today . i guess i cant sleep . im up here, and this has happened twice this week. i sit in my bed , just thinking. like there is nothing else i could be doing. but i could be sleeping. whats bothering me? i cant really pinpoint it on one thing. maybe just woner and worry combined into amsomnia. i am not really sure tho. you know whats fun? thinking about the past. looking through old notes and pictures and stuff. looking through how it used to be. you compare it to the life you live today and wonder if you made the right choices. you miss things about the life you had, and you cant wait to see what will happen. one thing that i have noticed, not just in me but in the human race. ive notices that humans are never content with the way they are t one moment. they are never happy with anything. thats why those moments of utter happiness mean so much to humans. becuase when things dont matter, for those minutes, or mabye even seconds, you can forget about all your troubles and live life the way you are supposed to. i wonder if god intended us to fret so much . you wonder if we are supposed to be living this way . you are always thinking how things were, or could be, and how they are. how about you live by the moment? enjoy everything you have, and dont worry about the things that you dont. you know the saying " if you cant get someone out of your head maybe they are supposed to be there?" maybe it works the same way with life. if you dont have something in life, maybe you arent supposed to have it at that second. you can only be grateful for the people and things in your life. think about this. you are not going to be here one day . why would u want to make your life boring? do you really want to make your life bland? i dont think anyone is supposed to have a boring life, but they prevent themselves to ever doing anything. i dont plan on going to jail, or killing people. but i do plan on living a little. when i think of myself, i dont think of a girl who can dance at parties, or have fun. yet i can have fun with one person, or a tic tac toe board. if i can just get into someones heart, that is the most satisfying thing to me. when you kno that you have made a new friend. "the walls continually change." true. you always change. you find youself, even if you have lost it a few times. you find your way, even if youve had some construction. you find your soul. you just have to do some searching. sleep now? i hope so , blow out the candles and sleeep away. last song heard: daughterrrs. artist: john mayer. xx.

i love miiiiiiike.

new month right? yeah, i guess so . reading over these. whats changed? honestly. have you become a better person?? have you done anything so incredibly fun that you cant stand it? i went egging. WOW. you are so cool. who cares? arent there better things to do then to just egg shit? wow, i have so much homework, its not even funny. all i want to do is see or talk to mike, but i cant. becuase hes grounded. honeslty, i should be too. not too many kids get off the hook for drving illegally, but i guess lifes not fair. idk, i guess im bored, tired. i dont have school tomorrow =] yay? lol. i guess lifes okay right now, it seems dulllll. like nothing fun is coming and nothing fun has really happened. you know when there is a dry spot? like you have nothing to look foward to, like there is nothing on your calender with a huge heart around it, like its the best time of the year. i guess its not like that for my sister. she gets to drive, and i get to watch her. [fun?] mmhmm. i guess i just have to wait. there is one thing i want to seeee. i want to see how it pans out. i want to see how the new year is going to be spent. i want to see who i love, who i am friends with, who we hang out with. where i am,, who i am. where i sleep. stuff like that . new year, there is always something fun. why am i worrying about that ,...? its october, and it just began october. i want it to be december. i miss the winter. i love the snow, and the hot cocoa and the old movies, and the cuddling with a book and blanket. all i want is to see him, its hard, but ill pull thorugh. ahh homework !! school !! family !! friends !! life !! aha. =0 last song heard: let the drummer kick artist: citizen copeeee. xx.

i guess this is a recap on not only this week, but this year. i'm sitting her just thinking, a year ago today, i met mike. a year ago today, i knew nothing about this school, and now its my home. a year ago i was scared, and i wasn't myself. i found myself in 7th grade. i found the me who i wanted to be. i found the girl that i could trust, love, and be loved. i found the boy that i love with all my heart, and i found friends that i love too. the game was fun too. i just wish that last year i could be who i am now, so i could enjoy it like i do now. i think i found the love and confidence in myself to be okay with who i was. i look in the mirror and instead of saying all the bad things, i look at the things i like. a part of feeling good about yourself are the people around you. mike makes me feel so beautiful, and the other people around me, like ryan, and carly, and ash and bel. they make me feel happy too. when i am around mike, i swear i am as happy as i can ever be. i cant stop smiling and laughing. i saw trevor and anne today and i looked at them, and i didnt think "ohh they dont make out, so they're not a good couple" i thought, wow i wonder if its the same for them as it is for me and mike. i think i learned this year that maybe it doesnt matter who's getting hanjobs, and who's getting fingered. but it depends who you care for, and how you feel around that person. becuase i know that maybe the feelings that i have toward mike, are maybe and probably different than the ones bella has towards nikko. i feel warm, and safe when he holds me. and i don't know what i wuld do without him. i'm sitting here on my bed, and i am looking at my bottom right hand drawer. there is my old phone in there, the one where mike took the picture of the light. "they look like lips." i can't even think about that without tearing up. just becuase i no him now. and its extraoridnary for me, as me, and as a human being thinking how you get to know someone, through thick and thin, and loving them for it. and in this process, you learn to love yourself. this is a valuable lesson i will never forget. i am who i am today not only becuase of me. but becuase of others who infulence me. a year ago today, i met the boy i love now. a year ago today i didnt even know what a "pod" was. a year ago today, i was a different person. i'm me, and i love it. makes life worthwhile. makes the purpose of life,oh so much sweeter. until next time... last song heard: vunerable artist: secondhand serande xx.

literally nothing has happened. besides the fact that i can basically never see my boyfriend evver again. ahh it bothers me becuase it was like he was just gone. becuase he used to come over all the time, and now its like i cant never see him again. and just to make things better soon its going to be wrestling season, the worst time of the year...just becuase i dont get to see him anyway, becuase he's always at practice, or a meet, or a tournament. but i want to make it through it. i want to prove to myself and to mike that he can do his thing, and me be there to support him. i want him to know that i am alwyas here for him...and i wouldnt leave him just becuase he doenst get to see me everyday. our relationship is more than that. even tho i already miss him...i dont get to see him all weekend. but besides that fact....what else is new? umm yeah my mom made me throw this huge fit becuase i dont want to do band in high school...and she basically tears me down everytime. wow, its so tiring for me, becuase i cant let down. and i dont want to do it, but it doesnt seem like i can win, but in the end, its me, not her, that has to play. eveyone is on my side.i know that my dad doesnt care. haha. okay best albu, cartel! omg its so good. i want to sit here and listen, but no even better i have homework, i might write later, nothing had rlly happened. last song heard: say anything [else] artist: cartel xx.

hmmm. what is there to say ? recap. okayy. so everything was a ok, well nothing is ever really a ok. so yeah me and mike...and when i say me and mike, no this time i mean mike metzlerrr. yeah and i never really have talked to him before, but idk. i thought he was a nice guyy. so i started hanging out with him more, until he confesses to me that he "loved me" of course you know me, i fall and i belivee him. what happens? something that could have potentinally ruined me and mike, mke caddy i mean. well in other words, i dont talkto mike meztlerr anymore, becuase honeslty there is nothing that i could use that boy for, i dont need him. i have people in my life that can help me. and he is one of those people that has no effect or just a negitave effect on my life. so what else has happened? of course you know that school does suck. and this is like the first full week since, idk maybe last year? lol im jk, there was a full week. but yeah so mike caddy decides to come over, and then his mom finds him here, wow now i cant see him fr the longest time. do you know that he has to get braces tomorrow? ahh you have to write again and tell how they look. i mean i met mike, and he had my dad's teeth, you know the boyish ones. with the one crookedness in the front. ha, i thought it was the cutest thing everrr. of course i think that mike is the cutest boy ive ever seen in my lifeeeee. well yeah we're good. YAY. i went overr to his house. haha. you know what i imagined his house for like a year and then i go there, and its so different. i pictured all these rooms a different wayy, and idk it was werid, but it was so fun. lol. so yeah i dont know what i am going to do with myself i mean i cant see mike nemore. =[[. HALLOWEEN ANYONE?hmm. thanks to the wonderful ashley i get to be a french maid for halloween, may i add that i hate that holiday more than life? yeah...lol. well there isnt much else to say, i think that i am going to go back to football, catch mike so i can get a kiss before his teeth get glued with metalll =[[. last song heard: here in your arms artist: hellogoodbye. xx.

helllo. school. would you like to hear about it? yeah well turns out, that my pod isnt all that bad. i have people i LOVE !! brandon. nick. chris. [nerds?]. also known as my friends. yes i love them. ha. classes can be hard, but thats what this is all about. enough about that now. okay so mike. dating? yes sir. but why is it that when somehting strtas up between us again, he does something so dumb, that he knows it will vreate conficit. i think you know what i am talking about. ryan? baseball? yea. i remember today i was talking with mike talking [not too nicely, may i add]. but he threw hie pen across the hall, and looked the other way in anger. i knew he must have made a mistake. and i couldnt tell if he was really torn up, or what. ill know whats up in a little. but for now, we'll work it out. everything is good right now, some new freinds. JOSH !! DJ !! and i wanna get to know this kid dylan. totalll cuttiiie =]]. ha. thats the next mission. last song heard: so i thought. artist: flyleaf [AHH best song !!!] xx.

hello. ummm tomorrow is school. NOOOO. ahh i dont want summer to end. it was amazingggg. dude today mike came overr. umm yeah that was interesting. maybe it will lead to something good, or to something bad. idk it was good for us. becuase i no we both wanted to do more, but its like awkward. but it was okay. i mean i was happy, and i wasnt the one telling him to stop. so yeah. wow last night was dumb. i mean not dumb, but ryan and everything? i mean wow this kid is seriously obsessed, and i cant do anything about it. i cant tell him to go away, and i cant like go make out with him, what the fuck am i supposed to do? whatever, he can go fuck stephanie. i couldnt tell if i was jealous, or mad. but why do i need to be jealoous? i dont care, he can bang susan farbacke for all i care. but i dont think that him and the whale are a wise pair lol. well yeah i am just waiting for carly aka SEXY BITCH to get here. haha. i guess i will write laterr. maybe about school or something. [ eww. ] last song heard: lights and sounds artist: yellowcard. xx.

i'm sitting here. and i'm thinking. while a song is playing. i am here onmy bed and thoughts are running across my head. its so hard to ever capture a feeling, but somtimes when you try to write it down, it helps. 8th grade will start. and i want it to be different. but i want it to be the same. i feel like i am going to lose so many people on this jounrney. i dont want to lose my old freidns, but how am i going to keep them? how am i going to be able to keep myself afloat? i hae the worst teahers...and everytime i find a way to do something so dumb, that i get in trouble for it. maybe this year, i can grow up..and learn that high school will be different, get my act together, and learn that i have to be mature in a classroom situation. i dont want to losr my friends. carly isnt in my pod, and she has people i would want to become better friedns with. but i know that when i get to school, evetything will plot out like it should, i am going to see one person, and say "wow, i forgot how many good times we had! and i am so happy that they are in my pod." i was online today and mike IMed me, and said i have tech with you. and i looked at my schedule, and was like...wow tech is the last explore of the year. what will me and mike be like? i think about how much i grew last year and i cant imagine how much i will grow this year as well. i hope that i can stay the same, but change for the better. i dont want summer to end. but i want to see evryone again. i just want to stay out of drama, and dumb shit...becuase thats what gets me lost in this school. i just want to try to stay alfoat...and be happy. lif shouldnt be all that difficualt at the age of 13. stay chill. becuase it will all just get harder. cherish the time u have as a kid...becuase when it comes down to it, i am a kid. and i like it that way. talk to you later. last song played: we never change artist: coldplay [ haha. nice we never change. ] xx.