Pirelli's Miracle Elixir

TOBIAS:
Ladies and gentlemen,
May I have your attention, perlease?
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair,
Discover your pillow is covered with hair?
What ought not to be there?
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
From now on you can waken at ease
You may never again have a worry or care,
I will show you a miracle, marvelous rare,
Gentlemen you are about to see something what rose from the dead,
On the top of my head!
'Twas Pirelli's Miracle Elixir,
That's what did the trick sir,
True, sir, true,
Was it quick, sir?
Did it in a tick, sir?
Just like an elixir ought to do.
How about a bottle mister?
Only costs a penny, guaranteed.
Does Pirelli's stimulate the growth, sir?
You can have my oath sir,
'Tis unique.
Rub a minute,
Stimulatin' i'n' it?
Soon you'll have to thin it once a week.
TODD:
Pardon me ma'am what's that awful stench?
LOVETT:
Are we standing near an open trench?
TODD:
Must be standing near an open trench.
TOBIAS:
Try Pirelli's Miracle Elixir,
Anything what's slick, sir,
Soon sprouts curls,
Try Pirelli's,
When they see how thick, sir,
You can have your pick, sir, of the girls!
Want to buy a bottle missus?
TODD:
What is this?
LOVETT:
What is this?
TODD:
Smells like piss.
LOVETT:
Smells like - phew!
TODD:
Looks like piss.
LOVETT:
Wouldn't touch it if I was you, dear!
TODD:
This is piss. Piss with ink.
TOBIAS:
Let Pirelli's activate your roots, sir.
TODD:
Keep it off your boots, sir, eats right through.
TOBIAS:
Yes, get Pirelli's!
Use a bottle of it!
Ladies seem to love it —
LOVETT:
Flies do too.