Silent All These Years

Like a lot of Tori's songs, I've loved this one but I didn't really understand it all... but yesterday I ended up reading this play called "Death and the Maiden" kind of by chance (it's a long story), and the song actually fits a lot of what happened in the play. I'm not saying that Tori read the same thing I did and wrote the song about it- the song is probably about her own experiences- but it makes more sense to me now, in that context. So I'll analyze the lyrics in relation to the play... it's probably not what Tori intended, but it might open up some new symbolisms.

"Excuse me, but can I be you for a while? My dog won't bite if you sit real still I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again Yeah, I can hear that" The play is about a woman who was tortured and raped for two months, and then 15 years later finds the man who tortured her and ties him up in her kitchen until he confesses. So the "can I be you" means that she wants to be the torturer, so he feels what she felt. The "my dog won't bite" isn't a literal dog- she was holding the man at gunpoint, so she means 'I won't shoot you if you cooperate.' The "antichrist" yelling at her is her husband, who was horrified at what his wife was doing, but couldn't stop her because she said she would shoot the man if he tried to free him.

"Been saved again by the garbage truck I got something to say you know but nothing comes Yes I know what you think of me you never shut up Yeah I can hear that" While she was tortured she was forced to drink her own urine and other sorts of horrible things, so "saved again by the garbage truck" is how her waste was keeping her alive. "Got something to say but nothing comes"... for 15 years she pretended that things were normal, and never even told her husband the extent of what happened to her, because if she brought it up she would begin to panic. "I know what you think of me, you never shut up"- while she was tortured, the men who held her there would talk about her, vulgarly, as if she wasn't in the room.

"But what if I'm a mermaid? In these jeans of his with her name still on it Hey, but I don't care 'Cause sometimes I said sometimes I hear my voice And it's been here Silent all these years" I think what some other people said about the mermaid line might be true, how she wanted to "swim away" from everything... also, the character lives on the seashore, and so does the torturer. "In these jeans of his with her name still on it"- when she was finally let free she found that her husband had slept with another woman. He had started to give up on finding her and was beginning to heal, and although she forgave him for it, she never truly erased how much it hurt her from her mind. "I hear my voice and it's been here, silent all these years"- she hasn't mentionted anything of what she went through in fifteen years.

"So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts What's so amazing about really deep thoughts? Boy, you best pray that I bleed real soon How's that thought for you?" This part is talking to her husband- he had slept with the other woman because she said she could "help him", probably heal from the trauma of his wife being kidnapped. She asks "what's so amazing" about the woman helping him, when he should've been out looking for her. The "boy you best pray that I bleed real soon" is a way of telling him just how real the things that happened to her were... she was raped, she was tortured, she could be pregnant, she could be sterile, anything.

"My scream got lost in a paper cup You think there's a heaven where Some screams have gone? I got 25 bucks and a cracker Do you think it's enough to get us there?" Her "scream got lost" because although she is tortured by her past on the inside, she doesn't show it or talk about it. "There's a heaven where some screams have gone" because some people didn't survive being tortured, she was one of the lucky ones. I'm not exactly sure about the cracker part, but it seems like she has very little, but she's going to use what she has to try and get her and her husbands' lives back to normal. What she has is the man tied up in her kitchen, and she has to hope that his confession will be enough to heal her.

"Years go by Will I still be waiting For somebody else to understand? Years go by If I'm stripped of my beauty And the orange clouds raining in my head Years go by Will I choke on my tears Till finally there is nothing left? One more casualty You know we're too easy, easy, easy" Basically this part is just about her desire to heal, and have someone there to understand her pain, before it's too late. She doesn't want to become "one more casualty" who no longer has a voice to tell of what she went through.

"Well, I love the way we communicate Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape Let's hear what you think of me now But baby don't look up The sky is falling" She's taunting the torturer in this verse, her "loving" how they communicate is sarcasm. She's still trying to get him to talk, and she says she will kill him if he refuses. "The sky is falling"- sort of like the end of the world, or at least his world. It's either tell or face the end.

"Your mother shows up in a nasty dress And it's your turn now to stand where I stand Everybody lookin' at you Here, take hold of my hand Yeah, I can hear them" In the torturer's confession, he says that he liked to live out his fantasies on the girls he was holding prisoner, those things that his mother told him he could never even mention. This part is sort of like putting him on trial... "Your mother shows up in a nasty dress"- she's looking respectful in court- "It's your turn now to stand where I stand"- he has to feel the shame and embarassment that she felt after she was set free, with "everybody looking at you." The "take hold of my hand" is like the false kindness she would sometimes show the man- she would constantly switch her story, whether she was going to kill him or set him free.

In the end she gets the confession she wants and begins the process of healing her life, but she decides to let the man go free, so no matter what she does, she is always reminded that he is out there too, somewhere, maybe listening to the same music she is, etc. It's a beautiful play- I suggest it to anyone who wants an interesting, quick read (it's only 67 pages).