but last time I did that, you didn't exactly seem happy to see me and you wouldn't look at me or talk to me. I'm more fragile than most in many respects; I just hide it fairly well sometimes. I don't like rejection. So instead of going where I know you are because I really want to see you, I'm either going to sit at home and cry and feel nauseous or go drink somewhere you aren't. How's that for fucked up and immature? I'm telling you, I have problems. I want to see you RIGHT NOW, but I'm not so dense that I haven't noticed our mutual friends have recently decided not to respond to texts or messages from me if they're with you. They used to. Are they trying to prevent a disaster or am I just paranoid? There's some more evidence for you that I'm a crazy mess. I can't tell if it's a function of this situation or the cause or both but either way, it continues in an escalating cycle and I just feel worse about it and farther apart from you every day.

I thought I was done feeling like an idiot teenager, but I feel pretty stupid and powerless right now, and angry and deeply ashamed that I can't just show up where you are and not care what people think about it. I used to know how to do that. I want to see you and be able to give you a hug that is maybe just a little too intimate to be just friendly, and kiss you on the cheek but maybe accidentally just a little too close to your neck, and surreptitiously run my fingers through your hair while I whisper in your ear, and spend the rest of the evening talking to you while thinking about what I'd rather be doing with you. I miss the days when we could do that without consequence or interruption. And yeah, I'm jealous as fuck when I see you with other girls. How fucked is that? Completely hypocritical and unfair, I know...but yes, it hurts me.

I'm both elated and terrified. I'll try to elaborate later, but it sure is hard as hell to write while I'm nodding out. I got off the horse for a few days but some more showed up today. Also, i am being watched carefully. I do have things to say to you that I would have liked to have said about 9 hours ago.

Can we please just make out and get it over with? I want to feel you on top of me. When I look at pictures of you the first thing I look at is the way you hold your mouth. I guess I shouldn't be so blunt but I'm fucked up and I want you and that's all I've been able to think about for days.

This is obviously a rather dangerous situation.

Not so long ago, there was a time when I could tell you were glad to see me. Now you look miserable, or won't even look at me. I don't know which is worse. I miss looking forward to smoke breaks because I knew you'd keep me company while everyone else went outside and it meant a few moments alone with you, just talking. I can see how fast you run away from me now and it hurts. I guess I wanted to see an invitation last night so I imagined one. But I'm back on the smack so I don't give a fuck, at least until it runs out. Some of these statements are blatant lies. Take the parts you want to believe and rearrange them into something that makes you happy, because I sure as hell don't know how to do it. I used to think that I might be able to do that in some capacity.

This all started because I thought I could save you from some girl who I'd been told was fucking with your head. I wanted to be your friend and confidante. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. Poor little crazy girl with a drunk daddy wants to fix everybody. She especially likes the ones who are indifferent to her, or deliberately cause her pain, or just want her to leave them the fuck alone. She keeps coming back for more punishment because suffering rectifies the many wrongs she has committed. The more she endures, the cleaner she becomes, and one magical day she'll be pure again and she'll finally find someone who really wants and needs her help and she'll be able to make him happy and everything will be perfect because she will have finally conquered her daddy issues and will also have found someone who appreciates what she has to give. Even my psychological problems are cliché...jesus christ.

I hate that I want and need you and I hate that you can make me feel terrible. I just want another day like the one when we talked for hours and I want to feel that shock I felt when you told me about wanting to find the person that would be there for you, when I met your gaze and you looked right into a part of me that I never let anyone enter. How did you know the way in? Yes, take me from the inside. I couldn't move or speak. I was ensnared like a silly little animal in a trap, and I liked it. I like how it feels when you're in control. You told me I should never feel unwelcome in your house but I don't have the courage to just stop by, and I'm not sure you would even want that. I tried to text you once when that girl left town, hoping we could be friends, but you never answered. Message received. I know I can't have you in the way that I want, but if I can't have your friendship either I don't know what the hell I'm going to do.

A few years ago, when I was single, I sent an unrequited crush an anonymous postcard with these words:
I wish I could ignore you
and you'd become a pleasant memory
of unreturned affection
and bittersweet longing
 

I wish I hadn't already used it on him, because I'd send it to you.

 

"the human heart is complex and sometimes savage; when one loves deeply, one can also hate"