artemisagrotera's Journal

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  • no drinking on the internet

    by artemisagrotera on November 08, 2011
    Once again, those were all things I truly meant, but should probably keep to myself. Obviously, I'm not really going to hurt anybody. It's not her fault that I feel this way. I should learn not to write here when I've been drinking. I'll be experiencing a period of semi-enforced sobriety and limited internet access soon, so maybe I can get my head together a little bit. But sober or not, I still sort of wish I could walk to your house and make a scene.
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  • now I know her name

    by artemisagrotera on November 08, 2011

    I'm jealous as fuck. If she is kissing you while i am sitting at a bar, I want to strangle her. Yeah, I'm drunk. But I want to be in her place. I just want to kiss you. I'm totally lying. I want much more than that. I want whatever you will give me. But I want you to take it from me, not from her. Someone is supposed to meet me any minute now, or I would walk to your house and make a scene that I hope would be resolved through really passionate, transcendent sex.

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  • It hurts to realize how stupid I've been

    by artemisagrotera on November 07, 2011
    If I had come over to help you an hour earlier, would things be any different? Probably not. I am ashamed that this even hurts me. It's hypocritical and foolish for me to be jealous, but I want to punch that girl in the face. I don't even know who she is. I should just be happy that I got to hear a song I thought might never be performed live (I loved the entire set, actually, but I had to temper my reactions because I was being watched). I don't scrobble my ipod specifically so that there is no evidence of how much I listen to that song. But the fact that you left out the last two lines seemed significant to me. Maybe it wasn't significant at all and you just didn't feel like saying them or they no longer fit or you were just drunk and forgot what they were. I should stop guessing at hidden intent and quit reading meaning into anything and cease trying to perceive patterns that aren't there. It just leads me down the same path of complete misery, which seems to keep going in one big fucking circle. I suppose I should follow well-known advice about living in the present. I keep inventing hope for something that seems to be destined for failure. I don't know what I thought was going to happen. But I was so happy to hear from you, and I was glad I could help you. But I was also disappointed to see you were not alone. I still want to punch that girl, and I know that's completely unfair, irrational, and nonsensical. Do you remember the dirty look I gave you at the bar? That was jealousy.
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  • that's not what I meant

    by artemisagrotera on October 30, 2011
    it wasn't about you. it was about me.
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  • When I read what I wrote yesterday,

    by artemisagrotera on October 28, 2011

    it makes me ashamed because these are things I should keep to myself. I feel terrible that anyone is able to inspire me to act that way. I don't like being out of control. I don't like how it feels to realize that anyone has any power over me. All that was written completely sober, except for the very last post. I meant all of it, too, but maybe I should keep my mouth shut. No wonder you stay away from me. I'm obviously insane. I don't know if it would hurt you more to know all those things, or never to know them at all. I don't ever want to cause you sorrow, but it seems to me that whatever I do either way would probably make you sad in the end, even if I could give you some temporary happiness. Remorsefully yours (i hope i see you sometime soon. i promise i will try my best to behave)

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  • I thought you might want to know

    by artemisagrotera on October 28, 2011
    that the moment I fell in love with you was when you told me about singing "Crazy He Calls Me" at karaoke. I was yours from that moment. It couldn't have been long after New Years Day.
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  • If I could arrange to be near you right now,

    by artemisagrotera on October 28, 2011

    and if we happened to find ourselves in each others' arms, what I would feel might utterly destroy me. Even thinking about it gives me chills, and my mind wanders. But everyone would notice the sharp contrast between how happy I would be and how miserable I've been for the better part of a year, and people would think my behavior highly suspicious. But I'm not sure that I care. But I'm also afraid to know where you are, in case I decide to go there.

    but i want it want it want it
    i want you to render me incapable of speech
    i want you to destroy me. just a little death

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  • If something inside is telling you that you've got my secret

    by artemisagrotera on October 28, 2011

    "Fear is the lock and laughter the key to [my] heart and I love you."
    i know i make it hard
    that doesn't necessarily mean i can't go, go, go

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  • I understand even less now

    by artemisagrotera on October 27, 2011

    What that says to me is

    "Come here I need you"
    "Oh wait, this hurts even to think about, so never mind. Now that you are ready to come to me, instead, don't come anywhere near me."
    "Actually, why don't you just fuck off and leave me alone? Then we can both be miserable."

    I have been crying so hard for the past 45 minutes in my car that people who walk by stare at me for a second and then look away very quickly. I have to go pick up my farm box and I'm a fucking wreck. Is this your intended effect? If not, then maybe we should try more literal methods of communication that aren't so open to multiple interpretations, unless that's actually how you want it to be, so I can keep thinking I'm making this all up and reading too much into simple coincidences, and continue driving myself insane. I just want to bring temaki to your house and we can hang out and watch dumb tv or listen to music. I won't touch you unless you want me to. I'm not a maneater. I'm just a complete goddamned fool. But I can't do it right now because I'm still crying and I'm a total mess. Actually, I don't know if I could do it at all, because it would hurt.

    ...oh. Okay. Maybe I do understand. (?)

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  • If I understood what you wanted

    by artemisagrotera on October 27, 2011
    I would give it to you.
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