artemisagrotera's Journal

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  • apparently I have fucked up again

    by artemisagrotera on October 25, 2011
    So I got to see him last night, which was something I (obviously) have wanted and needed for some time, and we talked for a while. That seems cool, right? As I was driving The Man (you know, always keeping me down, haha, gallows humor) to work this morning he asked me "what went down with you and [my friend I am always writing about] last night?" and I had no idea what he meant. He was really pissed off. The last thing I remember was talking to my friend at the bar about the one who keeps me down and how he used to know him when they were kids. That must have been a trigger for something, because that's the end of my memory. Absolutely nothing after that. End scene, cut right to black, no fading even. He says my friend and I were both crying and wanted to know why. I think he's making it up, trying to get me to confess to something. As far as I know, I've done nothing wrong except fall in love with his friend...but I haven't _done_ anything about it, and I can't control that. A happy heart does not care to wander. Maybe try not throwing me away repeatedly? But if that is true, I certainly would like to know what I said to him, or what he said to me, or why we were crying. Obviously, I know what the underlying theme would have been, but I wonder if we were addressing that directly. If there were any confessions on either side, I sure would like to know that. But I can't really text him and ask him what happened, because he probably doesn't remember either, or if he does remember, doesn't want to tell me he remembers, or doesn't want to remember, or just doesn't want to tell me anything at all, or is upset with me. I'd be upset too if someone left me in a bar crying after that person (meaning me) just professed their love for me and then left with their fiance. How could I fuck something like that up? Maybe I should try talking to him SOBER, for christ's sake.
    1 Comment

  • For those who wonder what I am waiting for

    by artemisagrotera on October 23, 2011

    I hate to inject any reality into this page, because this is where I can reflect on and perpetuate the unreality that I've created, but: I'm fairly sure he doesn't actually want me and doesn't want anything physical and just wants me to leave him alone. Maybe he enjoys entertaining the idea of forbidden love, or knowing someone admires him from afar; I don't really know. I think distance is key to this situation, although that's exactly the opposite of what I want. If what I wanted ever happened, I think he would grow bored and disillusioned with me very quickly. As long as he never truly knows me, there is no chance for me to disappoint him. Also, I tend to be a serial monogamist, and I'm almost certain he wants nothing at all to do with that. Maybe better to keep it in my head, because the very act of pulling fantasy into reality often destroys it.

    I am surprised that it makes me cry to type this, even when I'm trying to be perfectly rational. I guess that shouldn't surprise me, but it certainly caught me off guard. It sounds sad and defeatist, like someone who won't take risks anymore because she's been crushed too many times, or has learned to edit herself as a form of self-preservation. I wasn't always that person. There is also a very real fear of violent retribution, and this fear is for his safety as well as my own. There's a big mess I need to take care of and it will take me quite some time to get my head straightened out after that. I don't expect him to wait around for that, and I don't think he wants to anyway. So because of that, I've allowed myself to become a fairly highly-functional alcoholic and occasional heroin addict so I can forget that I'm in love with him and my life is a mess that needs to be fixed before I should be allowed to be in love with anybody. I have to re-learn how to live for myself again, and I have no idea how I could have let myself forget to do that. But knowing all this rationally doesn't help me stop feeling what I feel. Thank you for reading and asking questions. It's terrifying to put it out there, but also therapeutic.

    1 Comment

  • I want to know

    by artemisagrotera on October 23, 2011

    how it feels to be lying underneath you,
    warm in your unmade bed,
    out of breath and trembling

     



     

    (this post brought to you courtesy of the horse and red wine; it's the sort of thing I usually edit for four hours and never post)
     

    in laudanum veritas

    1 Comment

  • I want to go where you are right now

    by artemisagrotera on October 20, 2011
    The jailer has a peculiar way of knowing when I recognize an opportunity and creating obstacles. There are certain upcoming events no one will be able to keep me from attending. I have not been able to dream about you freely for quite some time, but over the past week I've had some rather gratifying ones. They always leave me shaken. Sometimes they keep me daydreaming.
    2 Comments

  • I'm so angry

    by artemisagrotera on October 18, 2011

    I don't think it will ever pass"

    No Comments

  • No matter what happens

    by artemisagrotera on October 12, 2011
    I love you. Don't forget that.
    No Comments

  • I wanted you

    by artemisagrotera on October 11, 2011

    I wanted your blues"

    or

    "old souls like us have been born to die it's not a war 'til someone loses an eye"

    whichever you prefer, or both.

    1 Comment

  • A less sad and desperate-sounding way to say that is probably

    by artemisagrotera on October 07, 2011
    "it was so good to see you, but I miss you already" which is probably what I should have said instead, but that's how I felt at the time.
    No Comments

  • I wish you were here

    by artemisagrotera on October 07, 2011

    thirty minutes really isn't enough
    I need more.

    1 Comment

  • don't worry

    by artemisagrotera on October 05, 2011

    i won't do anything too stupid
    i'm pretty sure i know where reality is
    (sometimes)

    No Comments