phone in hand, trying in vain to delete the previous journal entry. Then I dreamed about you, sort of--mainly I dreamed about mutual friends herding me around with patient and indulgent smiles, bordering on patronizing, trying to keep me away from you. You were lying on a couch, looking sad, looking at the ceiling, but not looking at me. I felt like you needed my help, but I couldn't tell if that was only what I wanted to see, or if you just looked sad because you had asked your friends to keep me away from you for the good of both of us. I guess that's a pretty literal and concrete dream. Not too many symbols there.

I am completely in love with you and it is consuming me totally while simultaneously ruining my life. I'm only a little bit drunk. I don't understand what part of me refuses to acknowledge this is a sad and impossible situation, get over it, and move on. That's what adults are supposed to do in situations like this, right?

I can't stop thinking about you, and what it would feel like to be with you. I want to know how it feels to kiss you. I want to know how it would feel if you would do what I want you to do to me. I want to crawl into your bed and hold you as long as you need me to. I want to spend every minute of every hour with you. You create beautiful things that make people fall in love with you. What did you expect?

I feel incredibly ridiculous confessing all this, but I NEED YOU. I want to see you every single day. I don't know what else to say. I probably should have said nothing. But now it's out there.

So much anxiety I couldn't leave the house. By the time I compose myself, the bars will be closed and I will have missed my chance to run into you. What a sad mess I am.

I would be very tempted to come find you right now.

just happened? Really. I do not understand at all.

i would come running, without shame, and with joy. But what would you think of me? What does that say about me? Would you ever trust me? That’s what kills me. When I acknowledge the reality of our circumstances, despair sets in again. There is so much I've wanted to write these past months, but I'm afraid to admit or acknowledge any of it for fear that it will drive you away completely and I will have nothing of you at all. This has been going on in my head for eight months now. Do crushes last for eight months? I don't know, maybe they do if you do nothing to resolve them.

I knew this was foolishness from the moment I realized what was happening to me, and I tried to ignore it, destroy it, make it go away. But at the same time, and to opposite ends, I started drinking heavily so no one would think twice about me hanging on you. I just wanted to be close to you. I knew it was ridiculous and shameful but I couldn't stand not having any of you at all. I can tell you that finally getting to kiss and hold someone you’ve wanted for a long time but thought you could never have is the most gratifying, perfect, completely consuming emotion I’ve ever experienced. The only time it ever happened to me, I’m sure I looked insane. I walked around in a haze for days -- looking up at the sky as I walked to work, smiling and laughing to myself, stopping every few minutes to write something I wanted to remember on whatever scraps of paper were in my bag. Those first weeks were pure beautiful delirium, and I think not many people are allowed the opportunity or have the capacity to know how that feels, and those that get the chance are fortunate. Twice in a lifetime seems unbelievably lucky; there must be a price.

I think if we could spend time together as friends, this would be easier to control and it would run its natural course, whatever that may be. But not seeing you at all makes me miserable. Maybe if we spent more time together, we would realize we are really meant to be good friends, and we'd be able to look back on this and laugh about the time I thought we were in love and it was the end of the world. Or maybe something completely different would happen. I don't know. But I can't circle you at a distance forever, and I can't bear to have you do the same to me. It's going to drive me to do something terrible.

it's beautiful.

hit over the head a few times before I get it, and sometimes I understand before anything is said. Either that, or I'm completely delusional and having a nice conversation with myself. Not really sure. But today's a good day in that respect. It helps if I _listen_ as well as read. l-o-o-n-y t-o-o-n-s. but i guess you knew that already.

just let me have my 5 minutes of pretend happiness. I'm not a complete fucking idiot.

but believe me, I have tried. I know this is foolishness. But words I hope are meant for me still make me smile or close my eyes and imagine you are so close that I can feel you breathing. There is some hidden part of us that resonates when we are near each other. Maybe it's only in my mind. But it feels real to me.