Jonny Craig. He is the most gorgeous human being that I have ever set my eyes on. I would give anything to see him, I wish he was still in Emarosa. I am not a fan really of Dance Gavin Dance, but if given the opportunity, I would go see them for sure. He is so good looking. I love gingers.

Haven't thought about Paul since Friday. We spoke last night for a few minutes, but he has made it clear that he doesn't want what I do. I'll live. I get to see Dan next weekend! :D I am so excited.

Tomorrow morning at 6am I have a 4 mile march. I am so excited. I will actually really excited. My knees are still really fucked up but I think I will be able to do this. At least I hope so. I have physical therapy after PT too. It hurts a ton to stretch out my muscles but its worth it. I stopped taking my meds to see if the pain has somewhat gone away, and for the most part it has. Getting lots of sleep tonight.

So I went to PT today, I couldn't do the run again. I had physical therapy, he said that this is something that I can't just get over and rush through. It is going to take time. Which I know, I just hate to heard that I can't just do it. I love doing it, even when I complain about waking up early. Wednesday I am going to go to PT because we have the 4 mile march. It started last week, I wish I could have gone. I am going to try it Wednesday though, it starts at 6am, sooo early. If I stretch out enough that morning and the night before I feel like it won't be too bad. My knees only really bother me when I do the high knees or when I run. They are weak. I have to go to Physical therapy between 2 and 3 times a week until we can figure out how to stop the pain. The meds help a ton, but they can only help so much. Pete (my physical therapist) said that the pain could be coming from my form while running, and my sneakers. I don't think that they have much support. My feet kick inward when I run too, instead of staying straight. I can only hope that things are going to get better, I know they will with time. Til I can get my cadio on, push ups and sit ups are my thing. I have the fitness test, probably in another 2 or so weeks, and I am going to rip through those push ups. I am going to get at least 20, no doubt about it. Work every day. Sit ups, I think I have to hit like 35 which is totally manageable. I will make up for my losses in my running with my push ups. Bring it the fuck on. I can't wait to contract.

I am in such a good mood and I can't even tell you why. I honestly have no idea. Maybe its because I am going back to PT tomorrow. Yes, maybe. My day is packed tomorrow. 5:30- up for Physical training (PT) 7:15- Finished with PT Between 7:15 and 8- trying to find the stupid Physical therapy center 8- Physical therapy 9- long ass hike back from therapy to the dorm to shower 10- biology lab til 12 12- biology lecture 1- run down back the mountain to the gym again and finally my day will be over lol. I find myself listening to four year stong, before their eyes and paramore more than ever too. weird.

Day one of my lovely diet. Starting it off slow so that I can actually stick with it this time. I dont want to deprive myself of anything because it will make me fail. I cut my carbohydrates. Work outs start back up tomorrow. Paul texted me for the first time all weekend today :) I missed him so much. He is texting me again at 10! wooo.

I am not doing this to myself any longer. I looked at pictures today, that were posted on facebook maybe a week ago. I couldn't recognize myself. I couldn't fathom how different I look. I am disgusted with myself. I am not okay with looking this way. I've been out of PT for a week, and I finally get to go back on Monday. I have been feeling miserable not being able to work out. I feel like I am being lazy. Today was the first day I could really feel a difference in my knees. I can walk without feeling the pain all of the time. These meds are amazing. I know that aleve can do the same thing to a certain extent. My back is still a little bit stiff, but its alright cause I will be working on it in physical therapy. I am just happy to be getting back into my work outs. Despite how difficult they are, I feel so good after them. Tomorrow is day one, of a new me. I have created a count down til I go home for Thanksgiving, and it is 60 days exactly. I am starting a diet, changing my ways before they get too out of hand. My workouts start back up 3 days a week, and I will go to the gym in addition to that another 3 days. I need this. My goal is to literally lose 30 pounds by thanksgiving, and I will do it. No matter what it takes.

I hate boys -_- I want to go home. I want to go see Dan. He always makes me feel better. Plus he is gorgeous and we always have a good time. AND IF THIS STUPID MARCHING BAND DOES NOT RELOCATE FROM THE FRONT OF MY DORM I WILL START ANOTHER FUCKING RIOT.

I'm not waiting forever for this to get better. For today I'm finding a way. A way to keep reaching onward, I've got to be stronger for today I'm finding a way. Will explain later. Biology exam today.... bring it on.

I woke up this morning at 5 and my head was spinning. I couldn't stand. This has never happened to me, so i took a sip of water and got up to go to the bathroom, thinking that I might puke. I didn't but I stayed in that bathroom for at least a half hour. I went back to my room and it just kept happening. Finally I just pulled out my trash can from under my bed so that if I do end up puking, i can just grab my trash and head for the stairwell. I feel like absolute shit. This has never happened to me. I don't think I will be going to class today. This is the worst feeling i have had.