Things are iffy right now. I leave for school on Sunday. I am so happy, and excited, but I am so nervous. For my military class. It's going to be intense. I am supposed to hang out with my friend Joshua tonight, I'm not sure what exactly we are going to do, I just hope its fun. Chris and I aren't talking as much. I feel like I am scaring him away. We will see come Friday, if he actually comes over like we are planning. If he doesn't, then I probably won't talk to him anymore because this is the one time I am letting my guard down. I won't date anybody before school, but he is the one exception. We probably won't because of the fact I leave for school on Sunday, but I mean at least we could just hang out.

Hate country, but I love this song. Today I am packing all of my belongings, everything except for my clothes. I'm going to hit up the gym and then I am going to hang out with my friends (: This week is going to be good, I will make it.

So I have been out all day with Haley, it was fun. I hung out with Anthony last night, that was cool too. I'm extremely bored right now. I was supposed to stay at beccas house tonight but of course she "didn't get my text" so she won't come pick me up. But it's whatever. I need to stay out of this house, its driving me crazy.

I need to get out of my house. I can't handle all of this bullshit from my mother anymore. I'm tired of being made to feel like shit for not doing anything wrong, or just expressing my feelings to anybody. It's bullshit.

I don't know what to do :( I don't know if I should just let it go. I don't want to date before school. But I don't want to not date Chris. I want to so badly. I doubt he would date me anyways, he likes me yeah sure, but I am going two hours away. He flirts with me, likes me, as I do with him. I want to date this guy so badly. It's just crazy because I haven't wanted any part of relationships in over a year, and now he has completely wiped away every bad relationship fear I had, and he won't date me. That's what you get when you let your heart win.

I don't know what to do. I have legit feeling for Chris. He says that he likes me too, we talk nonstop. I like him a lot. I flirt my ass off when I talk to him, and obviously he's flirting back, but sometimes it's major mixed signals. He lives a half hour away. It sucks. He was staying in MA for the weekend, I hung out with him once. I really want to see him again before I leave for school. I want to get another hug and to cuddle with him and everything. He says he wants that too, how he always needs a cuddle buddy, and wants me. But then I tell him I miss him and I wana hang out soon and he has some lame excuse not to. I really don't know what he expects of me now. I texted him again, basically saying that I don't think that he really has feelings for me, and that I am busting my ass flirting and trying to see him again. I really want to see him again. He is the first person I would consider having a relationship with. He isn't my usual type, but I can imagine him and I. Sucks that I am going to college in a week too. Thank god he will come visit.

All in all, I was saying how I have feelings for Chris, and it sucks. I can't get him off my mind. Saw my dad today and cried again. Awesome. I'll write more tomorrow or later tonight.

I am hung over, I'll be honest. I feel like shit, like throwing up would make me better, but I won't do it. Last night I got stuck at a party that I didn't even want to be at. Come 2am I was so angry that I was there, I even contemplated calling my mom to get me ._. I have every reason to finally blow up, because ever single time the three of us hang out, they both leave me completely by myself so they can go fuck other guys. I'm totally cool with being a wingman for them, but when they just act like I don't exist, I have a reason to get annoyed. The least they could do is incorporate me into their "hanging out". They don't even appreciate that I break all of my plans with other people just so that I can go to parties with them, and help them get laid. It's not cool. Its not a jealousy issue either, because I don't WANT to do that. I dont want to just fuck random guys that I have never met before.Especially guys who are in relationships. Only thing I liked was the games when we first got there, then I started talking to this guy Correy. He was nice, he asked me to marry him. Rapped for me. Gave me a cig, even though I dont smoke. And he told me how beautiful I was. Little things are nice to hear, I guess. He had to leave shortly after though, and then it was just back to shitty reality of my life.

Uhg, Becca is such a bitch to me. I don't understand why. What the hell am I doing?!

Me and Chris kind of have a thing going on. I know that he likes me, and I think he is a sweet heart, but I don't know what to really expect. I leave for school in 10 days :/ He is coming over Friday I guess, and we will see how things go.