I never mean to start the fire i back away from bright lights, high spaces blending like camouflage i want to appear as a stick figure flat on paper she yells and yells while i nod my head i say what she wants to hear i curse all the fractions inside my heart of desire see, this is what happens when you try to create a space for yourself go with the flow before it crashes over your head and drowns you people who can't handle life amaze me i dont brag about my tears i am a girl who cries in bathrooms i could never scream outloud about how broken i am no right to suffer somehow it only works for me everybody else lives life in single focus there are no natural disasters, no fires, no hurricanes the breakups, the drama is so much more immediate and somehow that makes it a desirable distraction hold onto the lyrics, hold onto them dear, because in the end they're all i have here

why does nobody answer the phone when you really need them to?

damage control, once again the anger, bloody and ragged, out on the field so clean it up pick up the pieces don't you want your old life back? immediately i surrender im sorry, so so sorry, for whatever i did to make you hate me i was only trying to make somebody else happy i didnt realize the interests were so conflicting i want to fall away into a place that is white and calm and nobody ever yells i want everybody else to realize the secret that saved me, that this, this life,these relationships don't even matter we fuck up and then we die everything is so miniscule and forgettable just be happy to be alive just smile and watch the sunrise i dont want to change the world i just want to be invisible i can disappear any time i want to, time i feel you shuffle through my skin i am with you til the end

he ruined everything i had all the words stretched out for hours the pieces so connected all brought together i had it and he raped it went inside and gauged out the guts and intestines with a knife i had a life inside of there you know i had a belief of happy so now i have to start over new name new words i meet people and i forget replacing everything one name at a time i stay awake for absolutely no reason just to say i can i guess just to experience i have come to a point in my life where i actually have a philosophy practice at believing in nothing has made me smile i know i do not matter i like to watch myself bend into the shapes of other people's needs it makes me feel strong to be used because i just feel so fucking aware of everything going wrong drugs have faded into an afterthought its not as fun when its so easy theres just too much opportunity so i let some pass me by in a way that i never would have before this is what it means to be 18 and free this is what it is to feel alive i am now allowed to kiss strangers and laugh in rooms of the silent i feel tiny and liberated i need to be writing more this is my new life and i want to mark a beginning

the desks are wood and the clothes are everywhere too many things for not enough space eyes here close and open at the strangest times lay down at ten wake up at two REM seems like a dream in itself there is never absence of music and light somebody within your radius is always wasting time for some reason, that pointlessness rubs off on you there is less need to be so productive facebook,myspace,stumbleupon internet galaxy, technology envelope thinking, crying seems so over rated the girl at home who died and you did not really know somehow seems less dead or maybe its just less sad you're not sure which the pieces of who you were when everybody knew you are transparent if you wanted you could fill them in take your words and explain them in sharpie colors "I'm not sure if you're aware, but i am a person who wants to make her life amazing" or you could just be a stranger float around in organized activities until somebody makes you come out of your shell and even then, you can always lie if there's enough you want to leave behind you'll erase even the parts that were crucial the idea of crying, because for me its not real life inside a white rich bubble big bold statement words have always kept me safe i have never known sorrow i have never known desperation i have never held on to a feeling for more than a moment where i swore that something was broken come back to me when the bruises are on the outside i want to see real bruises