I slept till 1130. I never do that shit. NEVER. I feel like Ive lost the entire day. well..ok half the day. Buy this time, I normally have dropped off my dry cleaning and laundry, and done my shopping. Damn. Traffic..and people. Tons of them. Ive got to deal with that today. Unless its a club or concert..I have no use for crowds. I hate them. Here..where I live, they are aggressive. They push you out of the way..because at their original home..thats HOW they have to get things done. I dont blame them. Its how they had to live there. Its survival of the fastest there. Here in Canada..we operate on a different side. Courtesy...and patience, no pushing no shoving, NO we dont bang carts and say nothing..its "sorry". No we DONT cut into lines. what the fuck? She just cut in front of me. Do I stand here and just wait an extra 10 minutes while she puts threw her 15 bags of milk, and 10 cases of pop? Perhaps she thinks she only has 2 items for her family of 20. No...Ive done that before. Ive got hours of "wait" time, from that shit. Now..I smile. I tap them on the shoulder..and poliety say "the line is BEHIND me". Its amazing, how fast she moves. She knew what she was doing. She just didnt think anyone would confront her. I will I do I am so sick of society going to pot in a handbasket. Perhaps my small gesture of a smile and a "we do it this way" here..will rub off on her for the next time. my legs hurt today. Damn eliptical. It feels ok when your doing it. Thats the hidden secret."never let them feel the PAIN till after". Today...I woke up and they feel like swollen tree stumps. Great they look as they feel :) Im pushing on...as I eat half my bagel with orange juice this morning. God..So much to do. So much. I have to go get my nails and pedicure done at 6...and then dinner. I have to make a nice dinner...or me leaving tonight, will be met by the official flinging of the slipper with a few sharp words like "******". Oh fuck that. Thats hours from now..I dont want to think about it yet. I plan on dancing my ass off tonight. As long as my legs dont give out. That work out probobly wasnt a great idea. You must be noticing now...I dont do things with thinking them threw. Live by the cuff of my sleeve. Man...I always pay for that. I dont plan on drinking much. 3 drinks max. Im driving. If I know I have to drive...I wont drink. I will order "mock" tails after the 3rd drink. all I want is my speaker in that club tonight. Thats what Im paying addmission for. The right to stand beside their speaker...and close my eyes..and drift into the music. Oh...god..I cant wait. Im excited. Thats pathetic. Im excited over the few hours of music vibrating my body? It is what it is. I cant fight this feeling of needing to escape life, david and all the other shit. Now you see why Im excited. I wrote David a good bye email. If he even reads it. Ive come to believe, he doesnt use that account anymore, or I am truly blocked. Something he said he would "never" do. Well, circumstances have changed. Im sure blocking is a tool, he has thought of now. I had 2 people yesterday talk sense into me. I took their advice. I emailed him, that I cant live like this anymore. (read past posts..and youll see how insain Im going) I cant live life, full of tears, and worry and pain. IM going to LOSE my JOB. Im going to die. yes...last week..I wanted to die. Thats heavy shit man....and Ive never wanted to die over a man before. Never This is crazy........so Im stopping. He has to be relieved. he has to be doing his fucking 649 dance over there. (look it up) He has to be happy. No more me. Im so gone So "yesterday". he has finally got what he has wanted since March Silence Peace Well...fine. Enjoy it Ive closed the book on him and I. Ive written "the END"..and shelved the book on our romance. Doesnt mean I wont miss him at times. Doesnt mean I wont think of him. It just means Im moving on with my life. God...give me strenght.

So much today has happened. So much, I have to say. Will I remember it all? Im a woman..of course I will. 1. My best friend is moving beside me. YES. I mean, hello...she came intoday with her money in hand, and a credit cheque..and my this evening she recieved a call. Ive recieved 5 emails of "oh my god..can you get over this? we can play knock knock!". I am totally estatic. I love this woman. Ive been a friend of hers for many years. I feel terrible that her relationship with her boyfriend fell apart. He SO doesnt know what hes going to be missing. Man..what a shame. But, I listen. I try to not comment that much. I look forward to her and I walking our dogs together. Finally someone to accompany me, on those late night walks! Thats just the tip of the ice burg. Her and I love to dance..and we have gone out in the past and currently (like tommorow) we will hook up once more. Her and I are currently in the same "head space" at the moment. God..she is SO much stronger than me. So much. But..she talked to me this afternoon. Boy...did she give me proper shit. Proper hell. But thats later. I cant wait for her and I to "decorate" she has such flare for that stuff. Im not "bad"..but she is so talented, she could have her own decorating show. Let me tell you..Im using her talents. Im so excited about her move. I just want things to go smooth for her. Shes telling her man tonight she is leaving him. OOOOOOOOOOOHHHH BOYYYYYYYYYY thats not going to be good. So, I told her Im going to pray for her. I dont know how she pulls it off. shes so strong..and beautiful. God..for a woman in her 30's shes still as flawless, as when I met her in my 20's. When we are together..we are a team to be dealt with. We play off each other..and laugh. Oh god..do we laugh. Dance...hell ya, Im a little more well, "practiced". (im not being stuck up here..its all my years on a dance floor) she sways to the left and right. But, her and those bedroom eyes...and the men flock and gravitate. I love her because,, she is excellent for quiet nights at home with a cuppa. I lover her, when we go to the club and let our hair down. Perhaps the lord sent me here for a reason. Support to get over David. Im thinking...nothing happens without a reason. She didnt just "plop" on my lap...next door. Noooo this has to be divine intervention. 2) I had 2 people give me some solid advice today. Once I told her I called him..and left a message..she FREAKED. Well, I got told off for a while, I dont even think she took a break to breathe. I have too walk away from David. I hate it when people give me advice my relationships..have I said that before? I mean, I get defensive...at FIRST when I hear what they have to say. THEN..moments later..It sinks in..and I totally get it. Totally get it. Shes right. Im not playing "this" right. There comes a point..when you have to accept the other persons decision and call it quits. I told her "i know I know" but Im so fucking weak...when it comes to him. She told me "the fight is over, and he has left the ring..and the people are gone...call it quits". Well...It hit me. Shes right. Shes DAMN right. She asked me, are you coming to the club tommorow? Ive been throwing the idea up and down. Always leaning more to a "no" She wasnt going to stand for it. "look girl...we are going to get a manicure and a pedicure tommorow..Im straighening your hair..your putting on your black stappy sandles and black dress..and your letting loose". Fuck it. Shes right. There are 8 of us girls going. Im single. He isnt writing me, he isnt calling me, he isnt answering his phone. Fuck it. What the hell am I doing by staying home and crying the blues night after night? Am I trying to please him...by not going out? Is that so? Well, If I was with him..I wouldnt go out. (said I would change) BUT seeing how David is gone...what the hell..am I doing? He just doesnt CARE what I do. I think the care from him, has gone to indiffererence. Or he has forgotten me. So...why not pull out a new set of cards,..and do the same. Im going to go in that club...order some drinks, and dance my fucking ass off. I want to hear some deep R & B , House, Reggae, and some old skool..both hip hop and house would do great. Thank god most of us women like that music. I hate staying in the pop room all the time. I cant dance to britney spears...I mean..I dunno. But, as Long as I hear USHERS new song.."Dj got us falling in love" and some Jamoroqui I will be a happy camper. Fuck it. Im done with all "this" These tears...stop. Stop now. This is bullshit. Im crying over a man, who just doesnt care. I mean..I was going to come and see him..and I couldnt get an answer from him. It must have been a bigger deal to him, than to me. Its not like I was going to go there and demand sex for the love of god. (I wont lie..if he wanted it..I wasnt going to say no) But whatever. whatever. Time to step into reality. I also got some amazing help/ support from a stranger, who reached out his hand threw a PM on here..and I thank him for that. He may be younger...ok much younger (Im a cougar to this young buck) But..he is older in his mind and matters of the heart. Part of our conversation was about not to hang around in the past. I dont want to go into to much detail about our conversation..in respect for his privacy, as well..as Ive learned that some things are better just left unsaid all over net. Speaking of that...I bet you if David is reading this dribble. IF IF IF he is. I mean...lets be honest...Im not that interesting, and very boring..so why would he even bother check up on this nonsense..it would anger him. He was a person...whom Ive only encountered 1 other time. David hates it when I talk to others about my relationship with him. Girlfriends..and family are ok. I think..they are ok. But, no men. God, not any man. Not a friend..or someone, who reaches out his hand..and says "lets talk". I mean, SNAP CRACKLE and POP this man HATES that. I didnt know what the big deal was. I mean...oh well, I suppose its on the premis of a few things, one being that if they meet that person..they would like to save face? I dunno...I dont understand men on the best of days. Men...if you want to talk about your relationship with your girl...with another girl..I dont think the majority of us care..as long as you are not attracted to or fucking her. Because, that could be seen as "Ill open up and be vulnerable..and her and I can talk". men are sly.Men are not stupid. I believe, they know how to play women. I believe they know what works and what doesnt work. I dunno. What the hell do I know about men and relationships? Im no exspert. I dont get the reasoning. I try..but I dont do well. I took an hour tonight..and said..Im going to the gym. I had tons of pent energy. I threw on my sweats and headed over to century Gardens with my ipod..plugged it in the machine, and listened to Ten city "thats the way love is" then reggae mixes.. Sean Paul..and Usher. 20 minutes went by on that eliptical. I thought about David. All that anger. All that pain. All that hurt...I pushed it to my legs..and they pushed harder. I felt like I was stepping down on all those feelings. I was stomping on them...like I did that day in the pathway. I must have looked like an idiot on that machine..but I didnt care. I was so focused on my feelings of David..and all my fucked up feelings of him leaving me, the building could have fallen down around me, I wouldnt have noticed. My legs were jello..I could hardly walk..and I was slick with sweat. I sat in my truck..and said "thats it...your not going on this way anymore..leave him alone. If he wants to reach you,..he knows how". So..I cried. I allowed myself one more cry. after that I said "show your british". Damn dad was RIGHT. There is a reason for that statement. If I didnt follow it..I would be a mess every single of the day. As I drove home..I told myself.."you cant act like this anymore..you need to turn the page write "THE END" and shelve the fucking book.." Wow..what a way to put it. Im exhausted. Thanks to all who read my dribble. Thanks to the few that PM with their thoughts and prayers for me. Its nice to know Im NOT alone in all this pain. I know it wont kill me, but somedays..I feel like it does. Music listened to while writing this blogg tonight: Usher - Music got us falling in love again Beenie Man Sim Sima Beenie Man Romie Lady G Ease Off Breeze Off Fugees ready or not Ralgh Rosario You used to hold me. Voodoo Ray Guy called gerald Raze Break for love...like 3 times. Frankie Knuckles Tears............I listened to this 3 times too

Oh GOD Im doing what I NEVER do. Writting this shit at work. 2 minutes...is all it will take. Friday. the end of the week. I had vivid dreams of him again last night..but woke up refreshed. Is the lord trying to send me messages via dreams? Is the lord punishing me? Im still chewing on that. I crave him so bad this morning. his voice..is all I will get. His stupid answering machine. That machine now have a relationship. How pathetic is that? :) its all I have, its what I will take. Im nervous today. Im on edge. I dont know why. All this shit going on ...yeah, that has to be it. Has to be. Ive recieved 3 emails with "are you coming?...are you coming?..you gotta be there..it just wont be the same without you!". Why? Why not. What the frig is so speacial about me? Oh ...well, lets see...I pretty much will dance to anything. So..they will always have someone to "dance" with. It could be death metal..and I would turn around and smash my head to the wall. I welcome the pain actually. he says he was hitting himself. Im sure that stopped. It had to have stopped by now. Ive never ever had anyone physically "hurt" themselves over me. I didnt know how to react to that. Its not really said to someone to FLATTER them by is it? I was more in shock and horror. I pleaded "PLEASE STOP". God..he was treating himself so badly. I pleaded with him..that I wasnt worthy of all that pain he inflicted upon himself. He didnt NEED to inflict pain. I was here. I could have made it BETTER damn it. I would have made it better. He never gave me a fucking chance. Why does he have to be so stubborn? hes like a mule..hes like a pitbull...he has something in his craw..and he wont forgive..and try to make things right. He wont let forgiveness in. He has to be the most stubborn man Ive ever met. But... It doesnt stop me from loving him. no Instead..its another characteristic..that I admire. weird? I dunno. I dunno alot of things anymore. God..how can you love someone so much, still...and all this shit is going down. I keep telling myself mentally .."you better get ready for a bomb...or ready for nothing". I dont know what Im going to get. talk about fear for the unknown. I keep waiting for the nuclear bomb to fall on my head...I know its coming. ahhh this is HELL. HELL I tell you. :( well, its been more than 2 minutes. Time to get back to work. I must work. I must focus...whats focus again? I havent focused in 6 months...Its been a blur at 100 miles an hour..

Today was a long day. Meeting at 9 till 11. I was ready for bed. I feel like IM dragging around a dead body. My phone rang off the hook today. I had one caller not answer. All I heard was static. My mind immediatley thinks "is it him". David...would NEVER do that. I asked once...and he jumped all over me for it. I admit. I do call him..but I never let it ring threw now. I know he never answers the phone. He has to have call display...and see 416 and say "fuck that" Theres sign number 1 right there, mental note to self. But it threw me threw a loop. Let me tell you, I was a wreck before. I was a bigger wreck after. Is he enjoying me stress out? Im waiting for an answer. Ive asked polietly if I can come out and fly and see him on the 16th. Ive asked polietly before. Always...I got a "no". But...BUT...then I got an email of a round about way of him saying "you should have ignored that and just come...or didnt you think I wouldnt want you to challange that?" So basically his no..was a yes...but he never said it. I would have been WELCOMED then. Then being the operative word. Im not dumb. This wine Im drinking tonight, has me seeing clearly. Im waiting for a no. Why not just email me with a yes or a no. Why take so long? Jurys come back after long delerberations...and they are almost coming back with a "no". Does he enjoy my suffering? He might be over there in AZ smiling and saying to himself "let her sweat it out a little" "let her suffer". OR..he just wont answer me. So, I will fly down on the 17th and he wont be there. Watch him book a flight to see his brother. Ive thought of that. Me sitting in his lobby..and no one home. ALL WEEKEND. Wouldnt that be my luck? Or...its a no. I cant even think...of what a no will do to me. Not that it matters to him. his last email, was the most COLD and impersonal Ive ever seen in 3 years. I senced his pain. I picked up on the indifference. I picked up on the "no feelings". that is why Im telling myself daily "dont get your hopes up...hes emailing you with a big email (or small) with a "NO ITS TOO LATE". Dad. David. DH. MONSTER. I dont know...I cant take this. I should ask for sick leave. A note A simple note...and Im off for months. Ive never seen storms life this in my life before. I thought I did. I thought Id "seen it all". What a fool was I. Im worried sick about dad. Im going on Sunday, to convince him to get that blood work, and xray that the doctor wants him to get. Of course dad is like "im fine...its just a bit of blood..I probobly have a cold". well...its my duty on Sunday, to talk sence into him. Now I know where I got my attitude about hospitals and doctors. He was the only one, who supported and understood why I wanted to leave the hospital with my liver. Why? Im like HIM. Im truley my fathers daughter. He raised me so british. "so your british" "up the duff" "bloody nora" and "get knotted" is all ive heard. Dont show your feelings. NEver ask for help. Keep a stiff upper lip. Well...I appreciate all that dad. Its done me no good. None at all. All my men relationships...are totally fucked up. I feel nothing, until it sinks in a day later. I want to cry...but I dont allow myself too. (not until latley) I never ask a man for help..god forbid for his HAND in help. It wasnt until David...that I looked at all my upbringings...these handed down "traits" and questioned them. what a crock of shit the most of them. You know..I havent always been heavy. Nope, I was a thin..size 10 or 12 when I was 16. I wasnt "thin" but I was curvy. I was a dish..let me tell ya. then...my first bad encounter. Then another. then another. I wasnt allowed to show my feelings. I was told to grow a "thick skin". Show my british. Dont ask for help. so...what did I do? I turned to food. Comfort. I wasnt always a fat woman. A bbw..what ever. I wasnt always "this". All "this" is baggage. He hurt me...I ate. She hurt me...I ate. God forbid I did something about it. Faced it. Vocalized it. Nope. I ate it down. I listened to music...and lost myself in it. Music was my therapy. Clubs where my second home. I was at home. I knew every song. I knew how to move. God...could I fucking dance. I mean..."tear up the dance floor" was under my name. the girls and I had routines. The other girls in the CLUB looked to US..for new moves (which we bit off videos and dance studios..I went to a dance art school) We were the envy of the women..and their boyfriends wanted to date us. We were the "cool" bitches. But, we were freindly. One issue. Me. I was the nicest one of the pack. I always was the softer spoken..and went there only for the bass. the music. The other girls were into the men. The men...tons of them. It was like shooting fish in a kettle. But not me. I wasnt interested in them...If I wanted one..I just backed up. He was there. I didnt know his face or his name..but I felt him. His hands were occationally on my hips..trying to keep up with my swaggar. I offed him. I always offed him. If the mood hit me, and the booze was in my head..Id back up. If he was ugly..Id simply side step to another man to the front. I only met one man, who was able to keep up "to me". Matt. I finally met my match. 7 years him and I were. Inseperable. I was his shadow...as much as I was him. He was soft spoken..insain with intelligence, had a great job, well dressed..and did a colgate commercial. yes..he had the whitest and best teeth Id ever seen. He did 2 commercials for teeth. Colegate, and one picture for "nappys" hair cut. He had a nice head of hair. We loved the same music. House music. Hip Hop, and reggea and soca and dancehall. We loved dancing. We loved the same foods. But..he had another side to him. He had a wicked temper. He never hit me...but I locked myself in his bathroom once, while he banged on the door screaming "why did you look at him" WHO? who the fuck was he talking about? Yes..he was as jealous as a motherfucker. Hed start fights with men who even just GLANCED my way. I began hating men looking at me. I knew I was going to get "it" from him...because they looked. somehow I was "guilty". I began beliving this was how every relationship was. All the girls told me how "lucky" I was. He was so handsome and "hot" blah blah blah....well, no..I wasnt lucky. He had an ugly side. He could go to the strip bars and touch women..and NOT tell me (I always found out) but, I wasnt allowed to get mad about it. He could take off to Buffalo and go to a club with the boys...and I wasnt entitled to know about it. No..it was a double stardard relationship. He could give girls sticks of gum..and chat them up, while I tried on jeans. NO..I wasnt to get jealous. I wasnt to get angry. 7 years of that bullshit.7 years of that shit. I left him...6 years in. Id had enough. He turned around and bought me a ring. I was estatic. Perhaps he would change. what a fool was I? He didnt change. He got worse. Then he became a toronto cop. I didnt sleep for weeks. I couldnt be married to a cop.never. So, I handed him back the ring. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I knew however, if he hit me...I couldnt report it. He was the "police". He as the authorities. I couldnt live in fear. I couldnt continue not saying what I felt, or cry ect. I left him. I was a wreck for 2 years after. I gained over 80 pounds from that relationship. I ate. I ate some more...every fear, anger, resentment, and upset...I turned to the fridge. I was later told years later threw a fellow officer where I work..that he was equally fucked up. He fucked anything that walked..and partied all his money away. Apparentley he would get drunk and say to his buddies "these bitches are not her...these bitches arent even close to her..I had the best, and pissed it away". Well, fuck me. I was angry at that. Then he got married. Married a woman, from Montreal. I was shown her picture. I stared at her. She was me. She looked like me..but smaller. (before I gained the weight) He divorced her. It never lasted. I felt more bad for her, than him. She never stood a chance..and she didnt even know it. He contacted me threw facebook. We talked about our lives, and some of the past. He wanted to see a picture. No...I wasnt going to do that. He wanted to "catch up at a coffee shop". No...I wasnt going to do that either. I couldnt walk back into that life. I walked away.. I told him goodbye, wished him well and blocked him from my facebook account. Maybe thats what David is doing with me. WAlking away...not wanting to go back. So what goes around...really does COME AROUND. Im getting mine. Oh yeah Let me tell you David. Hes my nemisis. Hes my full circle. Men. I dont get em. I never have. I never will. I think one thing...and BAM! David..would throw me threw a loop. He wasnt that way at all. I cant tell you how many times, that man has FLOORED me, and stopped me dead in my tracks. He would do or say something..so unlike..what I believe "men" would or should be. why? because Ive dated and encountered assholes my entire life. David..wasnt one of those men. He was / is different. ( i still believe that..as mad as I get some days with him) Hes sensative. Hes overly sensative. I dont know how to take that. I stand stunned. I dont know how to react. So, I cry. I eat. How do I feel about what he just did? If I dont "get it" I get angry. The easiest of feelings to protray. Slash out. Get angry...because its something I dont understand. Im a failure. total failure. Ive failed in every single relationship. theres something for me to be proud of. Men. huh. How is it he could LAUGH? The man who took full advantage. The man who took what wasnt his. He sat there, and laughed out loud. Laughed like he was at yuk yuks. I was crying..he was laughing. What was so FUCKING funny? Id like to get him alone in a room..sober and have my own laughing session. Revenge. Its not christian like. I know. But, neither is what happened to me. That animal is a demon. Id like to ask him "what the FUCK was so funny you prick?" Im so angry and scard of this demon. No he is not human..hes a demon. Look it up people, they exsist. Id like to hurt him, like he hurt me. How is it..it was possible to laugh? He was BLEEDING. Didnt he feel that? He laughed. I have nightmares of seeing him. I have that date coming up...and all I can picture is my walking in the room...and him LAUGHING again at me. I think id jump him right there and then..fists flying. Im so fucking nervous. Will I say the right things? Will I clam up..and sit there and cry? Maybe the lord will grant my wish...let me get hit by a bus..so I dont have to face him again. I dont have the strenght. I just dont. Im so weak. I need dad. I need NEED David. But..they are not prepared or able to support me. Not now. Dad has his own issues...David..well, I dont know. Hes sick of me. Hes got to be sick of me. He isnt writting me. thats a bad sign. A really bad sign. I know it. Hes pulled away. Hes healing. Oh god "healing". why can such a positive word...bring me such misery? Im still an open wound..blood bleeding out on the floor over him...and hes "healing". Im a failure. He has to be distracted. There has to be something. Something eating up all this time. His energy. I cant think of him with another woman. Fuck me,Ill slit my own wrists..to think of him giving it to her, like he gave it to me. Damn HER, he was MINE. He was to be MY HUSBAND. He was the "ONE" in my life. I WANTED to marry him. Not other man. NO OTHER man came close to him. Ive had offers. But nope, I never bit. Not until him. BUT he was the ONE. fuck her. I hate her. I dont even know her...but she has his attention. I hate her already. I hate the way, she talks all "sweet" up on him. I hate the way she says shit..that makes him SMILE. That smile...his SMILE was mine. It was the Smile, I loved. It was his eyes, I fell in love with. I hate the photos he sees of her. I hate her hips and her booty. I hate her swaggar. I hate her oozing of sex. I hate that she has his attention. I hate that he is dedicated to her. You wonder why I drink? Do you have to ask? Failure number 1. Failure in so many fucking areas. Ive lost the man of my life..and he isnt COMING BACK. Damn it. Talk about my fuck up of the century. I have a list of reasons to want to feel nothing. I feel to DAMN much. Sorry dad..Im not british. Im canadian..and I feel. I feel way to damn much. The girls emailed me...Saturday night @ the century Room. There is a pack of them. there is saftey in numbers isnt there? I used to feel so secure in my "pack" I never felt threatened. Its different now. Add on 200 pounds to my frame, and wanting to die...and Im a zombie. I push threw MY days David. Like you..your not alone in this. I have to raise a little girl. Deal with a DH. High stress job. What am I to do now? What? walk? Go for coffee. Oh god...sure, I have done that. take courses...ive done that. Im signed up for more. Go to school. Signed up. talk about it? done that, got the next appointment. Vacation? Ive put 3,500 klms on my truck. Its not helping. Nothing is helping. Nothing is helping me. Im exhuasted. Im desprete.Im lonley. I feel so useless. I feel so hopeless. I feel angry. Im pissed off. Why dont you believe me, when I say its "going to be different". its not like I hit you or something. Damn. I never laid a finger on you. Im not violent. Ive never been violent. Nope..just violated. Ive got the fucking tshirt for that one. the devil is temping me. God damn...the bible says..he knows our "weaknessness" and uses it against us. I dont want to go. But something inside, wants to go beside the biggest speaker in that room...and close my eyes and feel its beat. I feel so damn dead inside. Im a zombie. Im a woman, who is filled with bitterness, and sadness, and anger...and all I want is to forget. If only for a few hours. Let me close my eyes..and forget. Let me focus on music. Only music. Some men have trains. They do model trains. They are in a whole different world. Some men play pool, some men make music...but they escape. thats the point. I dont have an escape. I dont know anything...besides dancing. Besides a speaker and a dance floor. Its all ive known. Its not something I would do married. God NO. GOD NO. But, when Im left alone...I dont want to backslide off the wagon. Yes..thats another topic. I dont want to do something to "fill in the time". So, I dance. is that so wrong? Is dancing so wrong? It can be...Ive learned my lesson. Go there, shut up and say 'fuck off" to anyone who approaches you. Lesson learned. But sometimes, its the release of pent up energy that is needed. Its the crying onthe dance floor. Its the artificial heart beat. I suppose some just dont understand me. I suppose they never will. I suppose music and dancing doesnt do that "for them". Its all Ive ever known. I was 14 and I started dancing. I found refuge on that floor. Now ...years later,. im finding refuge in a bottle. THe damn bottle will kill me. Its going to kill me. Today..I had an italian client..bring me a bottle of rose wine. I mean...TELL ME THE DEVIL doesnt know your weakness's? He walks in out of the blue and says "you help me and my wife out so much all the time...here is a bottle of our homemade wine". Rose too.I LOVE rose. Its better than white, and so much better than harsh red. That bottle is sitting on my counter...calling to my heart. Its calling me to open it up...and feel "no more pain". Im already hammered now. No...I have to work tommorow. I cant go in with blood shot eyes. I cant go in chewing gum in the morning. No..I will not become an alcholic. Id rather eat. So..I made rice krispie squares. I ate 3 pieces, while I drank. "Now that I have loved so purely and deeply, I have realized how lonely I really am." Addicted currently too: So we back in the club Get that bodies rockin from side to side (si-side to side) Thank God the week is done,I feel like a zombi gone back to life (ba-back to life) Hands-up,and suddenly we all got our hands-up No control of my body Ain't i seen u before? I think I remember those eyes,eyes,eyes,eyes,e-e gonna set the roof on fire,gonna burn this mother fucker down down down down d-down down Hands up when the music drops,we both put our hands up

The trouble with love is It can tear you up inside Make your heart believe a lie It's stronger than your pride The trouble with love is It doesn't care how fast you fall And you can't refuse the call See, you got no say at all Every time I turn around I think I've got it all figured out My heart keeps callin' and I keep on fallin' Over and over again The sad story always ends the same Me standin' in the pourin' rain It seems no matter what I do It tears my heart in two

I am timid And I am oversensitive I am a lioness I am tired and defensive You take me in your arms And I fold into you I have insecurities You show me I am beautiful Love me or leave me just take it or leave it It's not that I'm needy just need you to see me Take me, free me, see through to the core of me Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending I am temperamental And I have imperfections And I am emotional I am unpredictable I am naked I am vulnerable I am a woman I am opening up to you Love me or leave me, just take it or leave it It's not that I'm needy, just need you to see me Take me, free me, see through to the core of me Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending Now I stand before you with my heart in my hands I'm asking you to take me just the way that I am Please lay down your arms Do you know me? Make me feel safe from harm Oh just take me, free me, see through to the core of me Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending I am temperamental And I have imperfections And I am emotional There'll be no more pretending

today, has been a hard day. Hard in work..hard over all. Ive had red teared eyes all day long. Ive been blaming it "allergies". Its not. Its tears over David. Im a fucking mess. Im a wreck. today I buckled. Im so freaking weak today. I picked up the phone, and dialed his number 2 times. I hung up. I cant call him. He never answers the phone anyway. Whats the point? It only angers him anyway. Thats when it hit me. This is fruitless. Am I seeing the glass half empty? yes...I am. I tried for 5 days, to see it as half full. Fuck that. Im stupid. Ive got the writting on the wall, screaming at me...my resistance isnt that strong. Its been 6 days. Im tired of pretending, everything is going to be "ok". I mean..ive got to wake up and smell the fucking coffee. The man is GONE. GONE. GONE. GONE. Ive tried to be optomistic. Ive tried, to be positive. Ive filled my time, with everything. Booze, clubs, staying home and cleaning the fucking baseboards with a toothbrush..while I blare music in my ears I ring after. I cook, I bake. I walk..I walk some more. I blogg...who the hell reads all this shit anyway? really. NO ONE. I dont fucking care...Im so bloody mad at myself. Im such a fucking fool. He thinks hes a fool. Well, fuck me. Ive got "idiot" on my back. Im tired of waiting. Im tired of pretending I dont love him. I do love him. Is that such a bloody crime? no...its not. Hes NOT perfect. Last time I checked...nor was I. Nor was anyman Ive ever loved. Nor anyman Ive met. Im so mad and sad..and defeated, and pissed off, and lonley. this Morning was horrible. I actually had to ask the boss to leave my desk for a morning "walk". I NEVER do that shit. I NEVER DO THAT. I mean, Im the most desk bound employee in the work force. I take an extra 10 minutes at lunch, I stay an extra 30 after work, to make up for it. Dumb? yes...thats me. the "fool". so I walk. Im walking down Church...and some lady passes me, and says "nice day". I said "no its not. Its hot and Im miserable, and depressed". She just stood there shocked. Fuck it..Im tired of being all "nicey nicey" all the time. I said what I felt. I walk onto a path and I stand there and Cry. Im so fed UP with crying. 6 months of this shit. Where are all these tears coming from? where? Why so many...damn it..Im a bundle of tears. Combined fustration, and lonliness. Will I ever get over him walking away? Ive never been the kind to let me feelings show...but latley, I have no self control. To hell with my pride...these tears fall like rain from my eyes. Loosing faith? Have I bumped my head? What do I expsect from him? Some "yes yes yes". If so...that would have come already. How long does it take to make a decision about a meeting? Im thinking, either you do or your dont. What is it taking so long? So, my mind starts running. He has another woman. It makes sence. It has to be. hes invested in her, and Im a "after thought". well, fuck me till Sunday. I couldnt even think, of being with another man. not now...god NOT now. I had some weirdo email me ..hitting on me..and I got offended. I dont know why I got offended. I just did.I got so offended I closed down the MSN account it came too. Is it some weird thing..that I feel like Im "still his woman"? Its obvious, Im not his woman. All this time, and space...hello (bangs head on table) your NOT his woman. Maybe, I should allow someone eles to love me. I cant even entertain the idea. I would fall apart. Im fucked up enough now...put a new man in the mix...and Id might as well jump. today, I walked on that path, and gave myself a good stern talking too. "hes gone, STOP exspecting the good, STOP wanting what isnt coming your way...you better prepare to let this man go girl" I talked like that in my mind, as I stomped down that path, with tears streaming down my face. I didnt even notice the fucking heat. I was HOTTER than that searing heat today. I was blowing off steam..and I was hotter than hell today. Emotional? Look it up in the dictionary..youll see my photo there. So..I walked back to work. Face all red...face all puffy.My boss immediatley asked me what was wrong. I told her partially the truth. My dad is going for blood tests, and xrays...he caughing up blood. GOD ..my dad is sick. hes a heavy smoker...has been since his teens..and hes caughing and weezing,..now caughing up blood. I am freaking out. If I loose him...added with the loss of David...I KNOW...i CANT TAKE THE LOSS. I KNOW Im going to break. I cant loose 2 men in my life, that I loved so much. never in my life, have I had so much on my damn plate. These last 6 months..have been hell for me. Hell for David. At least he doesnt have to support a kid. At least, he doesnt have to live with a monster...and watch out for his temper. (which Im changing...)I have stress too. Seems everyone thinks Im so fucking strong all the time. My friends, my family..."your so strong you know..I dont know how you do it". well,...IM NOT STRONG. I pretend I am strong. I say "i dont need to hold your hand". So...its a lie. Its a fucking lie. I eat. I eat for comfort. if that doesnt work...Ive turned to booze. But..now, even that cant be used. My liver is not that strong. Let me tell you...some nights like tonight..I could use 4 shots to take the fucking edge off. So I walk. I walk and walk and walk. I hate WALKING. Its good for me...yes. But...thats not what I mean. I feel like a zombie. I feel like the world is flashing around me..and Im frozen in ice..and I just sit there. I have no control. Thats what this has to be about. Control. I just had an "ahh ha" moment. I cant control David I cant control his decision. I cant control My dads caughing up blood I cant control my daughters smart mouth (shes 8 going on 13) when she gets angry I cant control that slipper that gets flung at my head...not until I leave this house at least. I cant control, my emotions that flood over me over all this shit. So, I want to feel numb. I want to run away. If I didnt have my daughter...let me tell you. ID BE GONE. GONE GONE GONE. Id be SO GONE. God..Ive thought about it so many times. Getting up and leaving my "good job with benifits". I feel like Im chained to a desk..at the ankles. I mean, I have to stay in this job (that I do love..its a good job) but I cant move. I cant go to Newfoundland. I cant go anywhere. Im stuck in this shit smelly town. Im lonley..with aggressive people, and men who are cheap. Im so fucking lonley. Ive never been so lonley in my life. Ive never been this lonely. I tried to clear my head. I tried to clear my thoughts...and all this baggage that still exsist. the only blessing I have left...Is not knowing what david and I could have been...shoulda have been. Money means NOTHING...when you are miserable. It means nothing, when you have no one to share it with, build a future with. Buy a home with..paint those walls, and buy furniture. Money doesnt make you happy. Nor do porn sites. Nor do chat lines, or talking sex with people over the net. So many things, people do...that dont make us happy..but we do (or used to do) it. Were all lonley. We are trying to fill holes. Some people have lonliness licked. Lucky bastards. I wish I knew their secrets. Im so damn negative. I hope hes suffering, as I am. Pretty shitty thing to say huh? well,...fuck it. whats the point anymore. I wish and pray all these good things...and I feel like I have an IV in my hand..and the lock is open..and Im dripping blood on the floor. While Im bleeding on the floor...Im waiting. Waiting...will anyone notice? Will anyone understand? Im sitting there, and Im dying. I thought I was dead...Im not dead. Im at that point...where Im still alive..and I FEEL everything. I wish I were dead. At least...then, you dont feel shit. Everything is numb. I wish I wasnt alive..so I couldnt feel all this draining pain. All these thoughts that scream to me "your not good enough for him..what made you think you ever were?". All these thoughts of him making love to another woman...giving it to her like he gave it to me? Sour? Damn right Im sour. I cant see a man that looks like him...without getting my heartrate up. I had a guy open the door for me recently who was like him. Hair long, in a pony tail, soft spoken..brown eyes. I walked in...and froze. I was fucked for the rest of the night. I see him everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I see "ARIZONA" cans in the supermarket..and I want to KICK it down while I scream "its not fair..its not fair". Im a bloody mess. Im pathetic. Thanks for those of you, who have tried to comfort me...dont bother. No words are going to make a difference. No "im sorry you feel that way, it will get better" are going to work for me. Dont bother. He says he gets reminders of me. really? Is that so??? well...fuck me. You dont have to have reminders. Im HERE. Face that demon. Because, Im facing mine. My demons of him are everywhere..and Im falling apart. Im trapped inside of this pain. Knowing that he NO longer Loves me is what hurts the most. Love. we had magic. Him and I ...were magical. I never forgot. He did.But I didnt. .Long distance is hard...but its NOT forever. we were so close. We were so bloody close. This october, he would have come down. It wasnt a "chain him to the bed..you can never leave" deal. No, If he only wanted to try for a few weeks..or a few months..it was fine. It was his call. He was in control. But no we lost the fight. We lost the majic. We could have been amazing. I know it. I felt it. I envisioned it. now...its gone. The love is gone. Not hearing "i love you" fucks you up...lett me tell you. A person, can only go on for so long...and they get bitter. How can I live like this? I feel like, somehow hes leaving me neglected. He doesnt owe me anything. No care. No concern. I dont want his prayers...I want him. I dont want his thoughts. I want him. I am preparing myself to bail. I have too. Hes preoccupied. Im an afterthought. I have to be..there is no other exsplaination for this. Ive lost him .I lost it all. I have to swollow that tennis ball once and forall. I thought I had.I thought I swollowed it. I didnt. I only thought I did. I have to learn to have a thicker skin. I have to learn to be a fighter. I have to be strong. I have to grow from this. I have to get the attitude like I used too. I have to become hard. I have to build my walls up. I have to be wiser. All In due time. But not tonight.

Toronto hit the 40's today. Im living in a urban jungle, with all the car exhaust and smog..how is anyone supposed to live? It was just plain, hot and sticky. I find people get grouchy in this heat. People for the most part..are more aggessive. They drive more aggressive..and for the city I live in..that is NOT a good thing. Most of people in my city, are aggressive as it is..combined with poor ablities to drive. Ushers new song "dj got us falling in love" is something, Ive been hearing on a daily basis now. I work at a studio..and the dancers are loving it. Add in the fact, we have wicked stereo equipment, and my office vibrates with the bass...how can I not tap my foot..or get up and file and dance to it myself? I love his new track. Im finding I love alot of ushers stuff. he is just so danceable. His slower tracks...good lord..hand me a kleenex box Im waterworks and all full of emotion. its cooler now..and dark. Time to go for a long walk. Me and my dog talk. Well, I do most of the talking..he just glances up at me. He has got to be thinking "what the hell is she going on about?"...or he thinking Im teaching him new commands...either way, he glances up at me, and I swear hes listening. Pretty sad,..when your dog knows your hearts troubles. I love this dog. Ive owned dogs all my life. All my life. Even as a baby, I was bought a dog..and dad named her "sheba". Sheba was protective. According to dad...NOBODY could go near me, when they were mad. She would stand in front of me, and curl her lip up and growl right at you. She was fiercley over protective. Dad said, it was because, I fed her all my food. As a toddler, shed stand infront of me, and I would take a few bites..and then feed sheba the rest. As an adult..I conclude, that is why Sheba was so over protective. She also saved my life that dog. I wont go into a lot of details...but, as a toddler, I almost froze to death. They found me in a corner, with Sheba curled around me. I was rushed to hospital, where the doctor said "if she didnt have that dog around her...Id be telling you "theres nothing we can do". I still have a photo of her. I also remember xavier...licking my left knee in a skiing accident, and my left ankle, when it was sprained from wearing police boots. He would sit there, and just lick my ankle..trying to "make it better". He too..was fiercly protective. You had to open my bedroom door slowly. If he was startled or you opened it open to fast...he was teeth first. (he never bit anyone) the best memories, were when I would get home...and he would do the DINO on me. Run full force..and jump and knock me over...while licking my face. I miss him dearly to this day. I have his ashes on my dresser, along with a photo of him. "all things are possible" is his frame. Shebas is "eternal love". Maybe Im weird with my dogs. I dunno....It feels right. Isnt that what life is for? Following your heart. Fuck what the world thinks. I beleive, that was the beggining of my love affair with dogs. They are a listening ear, protective, and sensative. I care for my dogs excellent. David, even said...I treated my dog better than him at one point. (did that ever hit home and hurt) I can see it now...I will be that old lady in the apt with her old dog...and dying with it. Pets are gods treasures to us. People are treasures to us. Thats why...we should always treat them right. (or least strive too)

Ive written about pain tonight. Im feeling it. I had a stressful day at work..just really busy,and tons of payroll. My day blew by...and I ended up working 1 hour overtime, just to make all the ends meet nicely. Im a bit of a freak about that. I like my office left nice and neat. I like all the days paperwork put away,I like to wipe down my desk..and have everything ready for the next days work. I do the same with the kitchen. I dont like dishes from last night (well, a cup or something is ok..Im NOT that anal retentive) put away, my counters clean..and floors swept. I like a clean kitchen in the morning, when I get my cuppa. Im not a morning person..so I prepare the night before. Clothes picked out,showered and ready to go. I went to the dentist today...again. Saturday..was a cleaning. today, was some small 10 minute procedure, to do something, with my back cap. I dunno..it was to file something down. It felt better when he flossed it...since Ive been having trouble flossing back there. He got 200 bucks for that. Jezz...Im in the area of work. I should have been a dentist! He then offered, to perfect my smile. Ive never had that done before. I was always told, I needed braces. NOPE, I could get porcelin crowns..or bonding done. 3 teeth..for 2,500. I would have a whole new, white PERFECT smile. WOW...Now there is something, for me to think about. Ive always hated my smile. I have british teeth. Crowded.Overbite. I just hate them. I am in the 2nd day of bleaching them..they come up a nice shade of white..when I do this every 2 years. But still...I hate my smile. I had one man, appreciate and tell me he loved my smile...if only I had a reason to smile. I would take a photo..and give that man the biggest smile, I could muster. The heat here today, was unbearable. It felt like hell on earth. It was so humid..I felt like I was sitting in a jungle. I hated it..and I couldnt breathe. Nothing fun about heat that feels like 31. Thank god, I work iN A/C. I went for a long walk tonight, with a friend. We walked in the sticky hot air..less humid, because the sun set for well over 2 hours. My poor dog was exhausted. He couldnt wait to get back. We talked about her life...and my life. My life, as I let the world see..my job, my child..and my heart life. Yes..She knows about David. But, not his name. I need someone to talk too. A woman..to tell me Im crazy, Im normal, all mixed into one. Someone to listen to me rant and rave..someone to listen to my insecurities, while she rubs my shoulders while I cry. A woman, who holds my secrets. I am the holder of hers..and her mine. Its a even trade. I trust her. I came back with sore feet, and a tired heart and mind and body. I dont want to talk anymore. Im talked out tonight. Yet..here I am ..going on and on..about nothing. I used to enjoy babbling to David. He never minded it..or he was too much of a gentleman to tell me his did mind. Either way, bless his heart. Now...I turn to this. A blank screen. A blank canvass. No one reads it. No one responds. No one is there. I am not an exciting person. I lead a pretty boring life. Some would say,..Im pathetic. I wouldnt argue. I will take that medal. Some days its a mountain climb...every second. Some days, I want to succumb. Somedays..I just exsist. But there are these...words. words..do they really mean anything? DO they make an impact? Does someone read them...and understand, and think "i know what she is going threw?" Or..do they mutter that Im wasting time, and effort writting all this dribble? Do I or should I care? Writing is a form of therapy. so, why am I not feeling better? I can't hide the way I feel about you anymore I can't hold the hurt inside, keep the pain out of my eyes anymore My tears no longer waiting...my resistance ain't that strong My mind keeps recreating a life with you alone And I'm tired of pretending that I don't love you anymore Let me make one last appeal to show you how I feel about you...hmmm Cause there's no one else I swear, holds a candle, anywhere, next to you My heart can't take the beating of not having you to hold A small voice keeps repeating deep inside my soul... It says I can't keep pretending that I don't love you anymore I've got to take the chance or let it pass by If I expect to get on with my life With my life... And I can't hide the way I feel about you anymore And I can't hold the hurt inside, keep the pain out of my eyes anymore My tears no longer waiting Oh, my resistance ain't that strong Oh, my mind keeps recreating a love with you alone And I'm tired of pretending I don't love you anymore...

She stayed up all night and cried into her pillow And fought off the urge to just break down and call Last night to find the fault seemed so darn easy But now whose to blame don't matter much at all She thinks if she calls him it just shows weakness So the hurt goes on with every tear she's cried Ain't it sad to see a good love fall to pieces Chalk another heartbreak up to foolish pride Chorus: Turn out the lights the competition's over The stubborn souls are the losers here tonight And while the bridges burn, another hard-hard lesson's learned As through the ashes passion slowly dies And this romance goes down to foolish pride He relives every word they spoke in anger He walks the floor and punches out the wall To apologize to her would be so simple But instead he cries I'll be damned if I'll crawl If he loses her he's lost his best friend And that's more then just a lover can provide So he wrestles with emotions that defeat him Chalk another love lost up to foolish pride dedicated to David. I find these lyrics hit home. I heard them in the truck the other day..and had tears come to my eyes. Im so nervous latley. Time is ticking away, and Ive yet to get a decision from him..wheather I can come down to see him or not. When he says no (which Im kind of exspecting really) Do I challange that, and come anyway? Why cant people, say yes..when they really want yes...and no, when they honestly mean no. Im so not good at this I said no...but wanted you anyway stuff. Damn..Im such an idiot. I should have come months ago..not now. Not now...his feelings have changed. I know they have. they had to have been settling. he said he was even "healing". Healing is good...when you accept the matter, and move on. Hes moving on. I read into that. Hes walking down that hallway, and there is nothing I can do to stop him from walking away from me. let me tell you, there is nothing more helpless, more hopeless..than seeing your everything walk away from you. Reasons...he has them. BUT, I do too. BUT I chose, to say "we can get threw this, we can see this threw..because I believe in us..I believe in what we had..I believe in love". But what if..he has no more love? He said he is like ash. I too..have parts of my heart..that are like a burnt out house...but I believe in climbing that mountain, and trusting the road that we travelled that wasnt easy...the road that seen troubles and trials, I believe we made it so far together, for a purpose. For a reason. It was WORTH every MILE for me David. It was worth every STORM for me David. It was worth every TEAR for me David. You are worthy. You were worthy all along. You are worth every mile. He doubts our love, the back of his heart..does he know that love is not for quiters? We have to keep going forward...and agree that miles are worth it. They build character, storms make you stronger...you know each other more. When the going gets tough...I could always count on your smile. And lookig back now...I can say ..it was worth every mile. David was worth every mile.