September The fall is a wonderful season. School Cool Sleeping weather Dance classes restarting My daughter is restarting her dance classes tonight. Acro tonight, and later on in the week...Irish dancing. Sitting at my office desk, in the dark..with a poliet "office is closed" on the front door...I feel my feet vibrate and the walls gently shake from the sound of the dance studios alive with life. One wall, has tonite by Addictive playing (wish they would turn that one up) and on the other..some hip hop. All in all ...its music to my ears. music has a wonderful way, of making a dead building during the day, overfill with life after dusk. I love this building..full of laughing childrens, and pushing parents. Its a wonderful spot. A safe Spot. A Dance spot. The last 2 days have been stressful, and I find no peace in sleep. My mom has been relocated to another facility for her work. Her current one has shut down for renovations. So, for 2 weeks...she has driven an extra 40 minutes to another facility, all for the allmighty paycheck. She called me tonight, just before she started her dragon boat racing..and she sounded sad. Asking her what was wrong..she said "they laid me off for 2 weeks...seems some pump has gone, and they have to drain the pool..and Im not needed until the pump comes in". I didnt know how to respond. How do you respond to someone getting laid off? Someone quitting their job? Someone being fired? Its their bread and butter, and its now....no more. Instead now, of mom offering me money...I feel it should be ME, offering her money. God...why now? why now??? She says she still can "help me out". Oh yeah....there is something, taking money from the unemployed. I hung up the phone in dispair. My heart sank in my chest. I cancelled my "call in" @ work anyway. No word from David..ive totally given up hope of ever going to see him. Ever. let me tell ya that was a night of tears. Figures. this is my life. Timing and circumstance have always sucked. Its been said: "if I dont have bad luck...Id have none at all". My best friend moves beside me in a few weeks. Im happy. I so need to talk to her about stuff. Not only her stuff...but mine too. Her and I have agreed to a big bottle of wine, and a huge chat session. I havent really been listening to much music these last 2 days. I did a whole "session" of music the other day...and I wanted to jump from my balcony. So...I needed a break from it. I miss it...so I listened to George Michael. My sure fix. Im so bloody dissapointed of his conviction, and his driving while intoxicated. Perhaps Jail time, will serve him well. Perhaps...its like putting a kid in a candy store (sorry I couldnt resist) :P Hes not going to serve the full 8 months. They never do anyway. What a joke. Why say 1 year, and serve 5 months? whats the point of all that shit? I still love his music. I still believe in his talent. I still am a huge GM fan. That will never change. Im as loyal...as I can be. Anything or anybody who Ive ever loved...knows I hang in till the bitter death of it all. Just dissapointed...and embarrased to a point to be a GM fan. Doesnt he realize...how it looks when we announce "Im a GM fan" and we get razzed at the office cooler? huh.....

I love fall.
What a wicked season. That and spring.
I hate hate hate winter.
All I do is slip slide and "away I go" when It comes to walking.
I now put on ice grippers on my shoes, and they help termendously.
Fall is also a signal to the official end of "CAPRIS" season.
Ohhhhhh mannnnnn
Dont get me started on capris, you know the kind women wear...from the upper knee or calf down.
Well, there is alot of history about me and capris and David.
He adored BBW in Capris. I owned a few...but HATED myself in them..and hardly wore them. I did buy 2 pairs this summer...that actually for the first time, looked nice. I wore one set out to a club...and the other...I think Ive 3 worn times.
Ive always hated my legs...maybe that is why I hate capris.
Anyhoo....Capris have always been a real sore spot between me and David.
You could say a "battle line" was drawn about carpis.
YES...it was that out of control.

I see BBW in capris now...and Im totally mentally fucked up.
HOW you may ask?
Well, First thing that comes to mind is..."David would say ______about her"
oh yeah...Im commenting on women ON HIS behalf.
How fucked up am I?
The other thing, is how I wish I had just worn them for him...and swollowed MY issues and MY pride and just pleased my boyfriend.
He wasnt asking for blood for petes sake.
They were carpris..and would have made him so happy.

The fact that I will no longer, be able to please him or have another shot at that...urks me termendously.

So, I officially HATE capris.
I officially HATE any BBW in capris.

ohh yeah...Im totally certifable.

I had the chance last night...to go out with the girls, or go to dads for dinner.

I chose my family. I will always choose my father. Always.

The family was there again. All of us...14 for dinner.
Thank god that creepo wasnt there this time. I wasnt really in the mood for any creepy comments again.
My dad went for his Xray last week. Thank god. Ive been praying for that. If anyone eles has...I thank you. Getting him to go...was the first hurdle.
Roast chicken..was done on the BBQ...yum. Sweet potatoes, salads, and buns. Simple dinner...with my home made apple pie for dessert. All 3 of my pies were GONE within 1 hour. That and 2 pots of tea.
Steve played the guitar after dinner again...but since it was raining so hard....we sat in the living room
He started solo...as he often does.
Bon Jovi - Wanted dead or Alive ( he nailed the beggining...sounded so good!)
Living on a prayer...(havent heard that in years)
Poison- Every rose has its thorn.( I knew none of the words to that one)
Rush- Closer to the heart. ( hard to listen to this one...reminds me of David..)
More rush songs...but I cant remember them. They sounded good of course.

I didnt leave until 1am......it was such a good night.




I dont want comments on my eyes, or on me for that matter.
I want to SLIDE under MENS radar period.
I wish I was invisible to all men.
Invisible to all.......but David.
Why cant god grant my wish?
Ive been praying hard on my hands and knees...wanting him to grant my wishes. My pleas. The tears...are endless. Ive promised my heart, mind and soul if he would only grant me one thing.
One more chance, to make that man my husband.

Not a boyfriend
Not a friend
My husband

I have it all planned out in my mind...how I would treat that man.
that man that has been threw world war 3..that man who has (and is?) suffering.
Im not your average woman. I believe Im one of the last dying kinds of women there is on this earth.

no tatoos
No Piercings (do my ears count? :)
I cook
I bake
I clean
I cater to my man.
I work
I decorate
I believe in a 12 hour day
I believe in a nice clean comfy home
I believe in being my mans ship mate...NOT the captain.
I beleive the man holds the horse by the reins while Im behind him
I believe in restrant with money. Make some, spend some, save some.
I believe in plans, and dreams..and the plan to get to them.
I believe the final say is my husband (gasp) even though sometimes, I fight a bit for my say.
I believe in "till death to you part". No Divorce, unless he cheats or hits you. Thick and THIN...women of today only want the GOOD times, the FAT times, first sign of trouble..and they bail ship.
They find another man that will give them what they believe is OWED to them. DESERVED? perhaps..but most times not.
I believe the bibles way, of running a christian household. Why? because it works.

I dont believe in how alot of these women today...are all "HE can cook for me, HE can cater to me, IM NOT DOING HIS LAUNDY"
I wont tell you some of the things, my friends say about their husbands. It gets my blood pressure up. Let me tell ya...they are all self liberated, stuck up feminists..who want their cake AND eat it too. Women..you cant have it BOTH WAYS. No wonder men are fed up with women. Im fed up with women.
Im also fed up with men.

Anyways enough dribble.

Time to go make Sunday dinner.

Roast beef
Yorkies
Gravy
Veggies
homemade apple pie with ice creme

What a hard Friday. I made a termendous amount of money threw registrations and bookings...which is great for the building. But bad for my "to do and MUST get done list". I was an hour late getting to lunch. Getting back... that just doesnt give me enough time, to start and finish the tasks. Ok, Prioritize. (spelling sorry) So, I do. Very Important More Important Over due Important. Shit That never worked Ok Plan B Time the tasks Ahhh..now thats better Quickest gets done first...bigger tasks last. That way, I can not answer the phone at the end of my shift...and try and concentrate on the daunting task on hand. Great.....backfire. Its 445...and Im starting to go into Brain Meltdown. Im tired..the numbers are jumbling in front of me..and the computer is slow, and its not doing what I want too. Do I stay and do a detailed bill for 1000 dollars? ahhhggg...fuck it. Wrap it up..and call it a night I say. Before I know it..Im writing him. Yes..weakness, and tired. I reach out in weakness and pain. Ill spare the details. Trust me, Im pathetic...in every sence of the word. Home made pizza tonight. One veggie and one cheese for the little one. One homemade bottle of rose and red wine. Im staying home...getting myself drunk. Can I say that at least the red wine is good for the heart? It cant be all bad...when I numb myself from all this worlds pain. Ive got 3 movies lined up. Im going to curl up in my comfy pajamas, throw my hair in a pony tail..drink some red wine, and go slowly numb...as I watch my movies in surround sound (fuck the neighbours tonight...their getting what they give me all the time). Im going to try and Enjoy a quiet Friday night. No club tonight.No bar. No House Party. No @ a friends for drinks. Nope, not tonight. I Dont have the drive to go out tonight. With the effort of a pound of war paint on my face, my hair flattened, so it shines like a new penny or even in my sexiest dress/top or heels NOTHING will make this woman feel "beautiful" tonight. The only thing that would make me feel beautiful, is in AZ.

Why is it.... when you are going threw heartbreak....you feel like your the only one that feels the pain? Youd like to think or Youd like to believe THEY too are suffering, or gosh..even missing you as you do them. I feel like Im the only one enduring all this pain Does he realize what his absence is doing to me? Does he even care? I doubt it on both counts. Sit and suffer in silence. His Silence sceams in my ears and I have a headache. I Dont know how Im going to cope tonight. All the ideas swimming in my head, just arent healthy alternatives. (shakes head) Do I drown my sorrows in that rose wine? DO I do something productive, and go work out and go for a swim? Hard decisions for someone who has just stopped caring. Life sucks without him. Period.

walked the dog...and I broke down.

Oh man...it felt like I was walking on my heart...every step I took.





Heavy Hearted

Never felt so low

World full of so many

Yet I am so alone



I wonder if I ever cross your mind

Because youve never really left mine

I wonder if I will ever see this threw

Its like an endless road I travel

No end of it anytime



Living feels like torture

I need to numb this pain

Death is something I have entertained



If only I could break threw your wall

The wall that is a 10,000 feet thick

I might not feel alone in this

I might be able to walk tall



Breathe In

Breathe Out

I take it moment by moment

I rise

I fall

Only to stumble once again.

If I had just one tear running down your cheek Maybe I could cope maybe I'd get some sleep If I had just one moment at your expense Maybe all my misery would be well spent Yeah.... Could you cry a little, lie just a little Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain I gave now I 'm wanting Something in return So cry just a little for me If your love could be caged, honey I would hold the key And conceal it underneath the pile of lies you handed me And you'd hunt those lies They'd be all you'd ever find And that'd be all you'd have to know For me to be fine Yeah.... And you'd cry a little And die just a little and baby I would feel just a little less pain I gave now I'm wanting Something in return So cry just a little for me Give it up baby I hear your doin' fine Nothing's gonna save me I can see it in your eyes Some kind of heartache, honey give it a try I don't want pity I just want what is mine Yeah... Could you cry a little And lie just a little Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain I gave now I'm wanting Something in return So cry just a little for me

Ive been loving Rihannas album latley. The songs have been growing on me..and her newest track "only girl" has me hooked. So waiting to dance hard to this one...its got "big speakers" written all over it. today, was a day from hell at work. My boss is a lunatic. Damn..she was SPUN today..and I feel like the only one grounded in that office. I wont get into details about something, but she FUCKED up this morning..and instead of saying "sorry" she made a snide remark to me. FUCK ME...not nowadays. This is the new MICHELLE. This is the "wont take anymore shit" me. I walked towards her and just below a threat said "who do you think your talking too??? You DONT talk to me that way" Her eyes went 10 feet wide. She knew she pushed me ..and I ALWAYS back down and take her shit. Not today. Not in my mood. She said "well, sorry..I should have told you.." I said "YEAH...you SHOULD HAVE" I sat down..and your damn right, I threw on the radio and ignored her constant pleas from her office of "michelle,..can you come and do this for me, or help me with this". Shes a idiot. Over paid, under qualified idiot. Im pissed. Im tired of walking in there, to help her open her outlook calendar into "one day" view, or add a line in an excel document. I mean...DAMN WOMAN...go take some computer courses. After lunch, I calmed down. Then our office printer had more issues..so in walks the IT guy to fix it. Not any IT guy..Its they guy who was slick and made flirty comments last time and called me 2 times. Not today Buddy. Not today. I packed up my shit..and said..you can have my terminal..Ive got payroll to do, I will do it upstairs. I hid myself in that office, with the other boss that I like..and submerged myself into payroll. it would have been so EASY..so SIMPLE. nope, She had to be playing a QUEEN CD. Fuck me Have I got "torture" till she goes mental on my forehead? Great...do I try and work..and listen to Queen..and NOT try to think of David? Do I head back down to my crazy LOUD boss, and Mr.flirty flirty? Nope, Better to stay upstairs, and tune out Queen. I did so somewhat successfully. I went shopping after work. I noticed something about half way threw my shop. 1) I hadnt thought of David. Normally, shopping reminds me of him. The meals I would prepare for him. The food/fruits and veggies I would buy for him. I even for a while there, was talking to him while I shopped. (oh yeah...Im certifiable) 2) I walked by the Arizona Cans...and I didnt want to dismantle it..and scream "fuck fuck fuck". huh....healing? Or just a good day? Time will tell. Perhaps I took a baby step in healing. In the bread section, I had a man smile at me. I stood there, and turned to my left and right. Was it me? or someone eles? Nope..I was alone in that area. He wasnt ANY thing, I would consider. NOR am I ready for that...but..still I felt my face flush..and I walked to the opposite side of the store..and shopped in reverse. I mean...Im like a horse with blinders (blinkers) on...I just DONT notice this shit. I stopped looking at men, years ago. That, and the combined FUCK OFF on my forehead makes me very unattractive to men. If they do notice, I just fail to notice. Anyways, I finished my shopping, picked up my daughter, unloaded the truck..put the groceries away..made dinner, and cleaned the kitchen. Im bushed......totally tired. Now its time for homework. Can you believe its the 3rd day of school..and she gets homework? anyway...I suppose I should go to the kitchen table and tackle it. I thought of David today. In a good way...and a bad way. Its not like, because Im pissed off at his silence, or his decision..that I wish a building would fall on his head. No...I get angry. I see red...but anyone who really really knew me, Knew my HEART..would know there are feelings/passion behind that anger. Another "aaa huh" moment. All those emails, that were "Strongly worded" or "angry" Did he not see threw all the words..and see the passion behind those feelings? If I didnt CARE so bloody much..why get so passionate? We may have not seen eye to eye on everything...but it didnt mean, I didnt care about his point of view. Didnt he ever realize, that in a day or 2 I sort myself "out". And then saw the "light". He had to have seen a pattern. He must have known. that man knew me to my core. well, at least I think he did. He might argue different. Not a day passes, where something in the US news happens..and I dont want to talk to him about it. Just to Talk and get his Opinon. (like rebuilding on Ground Zero) I was always ALWAYS facinated on his take on religion and politics..and wanted a "father figure" of sorts in that regard. I knew he could teach me, what I did not know. Well, what I learned or followed wrong. He was a gentle persauder. Not rash or brash. I stopped watching Paster Haggee because he talked sence into me. I stopped alot of things...that I was just blindly "going along with" due to his influence, to investigate things deeper, and not take them at face value. He was influencial. Very influencial. I suppose I will find a man in the future, that will match him...I dunno. I dont want a relationship now. God..I have NO HEART to give anyone. Im so broken and shattered...Its amazing Im still alive. Anyways, Time to get going...... Songs listened to tonight: Only girl (in the world) Hard ft. Jezzy (heavy synths...and I love her attitude) Stupid In love Russian Roulette (sad and so sexy...) Rude Boy ( just so much attitude and sex in this song I cant wait to sing it to a future lover ) Te amo Cold Case Love ( some of the lyrics hit home so hard) "I'm torn apart and numb What you did to me was a crime Your love was breaking the law But I needed a witness So pick me up when it's over It don't make any difference Will it ever be solved Or am I taking the fall"

I didnt want to write last night.


It would have been paragraph after paragraph of endless sad dribble.


I was reminded of him..again. I started up my truck..and there is Billy Joel Playing..BOOM! hes in my mind. After that...Im seeing planes...thinking "I should be on one of those planes, going to see him" then I pass the food basics where we shopped, then the beautiful hotel where he stayed...and I can see the pool inwhich we swam together, played like children, He was SO hot wet. Oh so HOT.


I was a horrible wreck by the time I walked threw the door.


I so wanted to write him..or call.


But I resisted. I dont know where I got the strength from..But I mustered it up. Going to bed early helped, seeing Im always weakest in the evenings.





This morning, I feel so much better. Sleep gives me strength.


I put on my new top...and my new shoes..that are Officially killing my feet..and put on my new perfume.


I splurged and bought myself 4 bottles of different Burberry.


Ive smelled it on other ladies..and always liked it.


I found a huge Sale..and bought Brit, London, Summer, Tender Touch.


I love them all...and I find they lift my spirits...or perhaps its the odd compliment that is doing that.





I have to go work out tonight..so Im mentally talking myself into going. Its an arguement, between me myself and I...to make sure, I get to that gym. If anything, I will go to the pool, and do some laps. I tell myself "its only 1 hour out of your night".


Plus, I always feel better after.





Time to start my day..ive had to change the radio Station 2 times, 98.1 is just too sappy. 97.3 will be my office friend today..they dont play half as many sad songs.


I dont need any sad songs today. Nope, I need to find balance.





May I have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,


The courage to change the things I can,


And the wisdom to know the difference."


Reinhold Niebuhr, 1926

Ive got one foot in the grave and the other is on a bannana peel. oh man...does this ever apply to me

why is it that a woman can buy a great pair of cute little flats in the store and they feel fine..and then the day of actually having to wear them..they are horrible? I mean Hello? This doesnt only happen to me? Women across the world fall in love with a great pair of shoes, heels, pumps, lifts, flats, boots....and we buy them because, they feel fine in the store. You get dressed...colour cordinate your shoes to your top...walk 10 minutes and WHAM! your feet are sore, falling out of them, pinching ect. What the hell is with that? I mean, is this a joke from the shoe god? (there is no such thing..but humour me) Im a size 8. I KNOW how to buy shoes that fit me. Ive done it all my life. But today..I put on these cute little black, green and red flats (youd have to see them) I walk 30 feet...and WHAM! Im falling out of them. Damn! What do I do..go semi bare foot around the office (thank GOD I just got a pedicure) or..do I suffer all day?