Tequila and Salt 1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for. 2.. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way. 3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you. 4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you. 5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep. 6. You mean the world to someone. 7. You are special and unique. 8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you. 9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it. 10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look. 11. Always remember the compliments you received.. Forget about the rude remarks. So........... If you are a loving friend, send this to everyone, including the one that sent it to you. If you get it back, then they really do love you. And always remember... when life hands you Lemons, ask for Tequila and Salt and call me over! Good friends are like stars......... You don't always see them, But you know they are always there.. "Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway" I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone. Happiness keeps You Sweet, Trials keep You Strong, Sorrows keep You Human, Failures keeps You Humble, Success keeps You Glowing, But Only God keeps You Going

Up in the club (club), we just broke up (up), I'm doing my own little thing; You decided to dip (dip), and now you wanna trip (trip), 'cause another brotha noticed me... I'm up on him (him), he up on me (me), "Don't pay him any attention..." 'Cause I cried my tears (tears), gave ya three good years (years) - you can't be mad at me... Cause if you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it; If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it; Don't be mad once you see that he want it! Cause if you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it... Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, oh-oh-oh... Whoa-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh... If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it; If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it; Don't be mad once you see that he want it! If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it... I got gloss on my lips (lips), a man on my hips (hips), on me tighter than my Dereon jeans; Actin' up (up), drank in my cup (cup) - I can care less what you think... I need no permission; did I mention, "Don't pay him any attention"? 'Cause you had your turn (turn), but now you gonna learn what it really feels like to miss Bey... If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it; If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it; Don't be mad once you see that he want it! If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it... Don't treat me to these things of the world... I'm not that kind of girl! Your love is what I prefer - What I deserve... Is a man that makes me, then takes me, and delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond! Pull me into your arms, say I'm the one you want; If you don't, you'll be alone, and like a ghost, I'll be gone...

Fuck this. Fuck what Im doing to myself. Over him Over what? A man, who no longer feels jack shit for me? HES NO LONGER WORTHY of my pain. HES NO LONGER WORTHY of my tears. HES NO LONGER WORTHY of my attention. HES NO LONGER WORTHY of my heart. Fuck him. Fuck this pain..all these bloody tears over him while he what??? God knows what the fuck he is doing. More than likley chattin up other women on the net..and thats the least of it( Dont get me started...) More than likley hitten up on women in fast food joints. More than likely throwing on that amazing Arizona smile, and picking up women left right and center. I can tell you, Im a fucking afterthought. An after burn..in his memory. Fuck him I can DO BETTER than him I know I can. Fuck him...and all his "said it all now" and his "I have nothing more to say" well is that so? well..Maybe I did. Fuck him...my words and thoughts and love..mean NOTHING to him Even my begging to come see him............meant NOTHING to him Fuck him you know what? I woke up and looked myself in the mirror and said what I havent said in years to myself "your pretty, smart, dedicated and make good money..I have plenty what any good man would want" I refuse to now live in the past. I refuse now to wait. Fuck waiting...pateince... Ive waited 7 months... 7 months too long if I reflect on it. I should have dealt with my feelings, and all my inner "love" and shelved it..and healed. So, now I am. healing and MOVING ON. Nothing is going to stop me. NOTHING I talked tonight on the phone with my BF for over 1 hour..her and I...are on this same "track" people call love gone wrong. So...we decided. No more crying No more whining. (unless its on a dance floor) Fuck men (yea..Im a little sour) Im going to use them...like SOME of them have used me. Fun. Have fun. Why not? I fucking deserve it. Fun...a smile..is something I ive deprived myself now..for way to fucking long. Holding "out". Not now Im going to get back into my life. Working out...afterwork, hit the eliptical and start getting fit. Start going out more with the girls..and dance my fucking ass off. Damn straight, the "fuck off" sign I used to wear on my forehead ...has officially COME DOWN. Why the fuck was I dreaming that it made a difference to him anyway? Delusional. I was so bloody delusional. UHHHHHHHHHGHGGGG I was so STUPID. Fuck me for thinking, my actions made a difference. Its the official shelving of my love affair called "David". huh...

i'm done with this feeling like an idiot lovin' you, i'm over it i just don't love you, don't love you no more say, you, you are so yesterday won't let you rain on my parade don't wanna hear a thing you say so yesterday oh ohh don't you wish you had a time machine that way you could change history it's the only way that you could be with me standing there scratching your head blood shot eyes, drunk with regret (hanging yourself , ten feet over the edge) i'm done with this feeling like an idiot lovin' you, i'm over it i just don't love you, don't love you no more. you, you are so yesterday honey, you, you are so yesterday won't let you rain on my parade don't wanna hear a thing you say so yesterday now i never wanna see you, never wanna feel you ever wanna hear you i don't love you, don't need you, can't stand you no more..

I took today off. Mental stress leave....I feel like a weak sheep...thats been left in the feild alone. I feel drained...I feel empty. I feel like I wanna die today.....so Instead, Im going to take 4 shots..and head down to my room...close the curtains and up the airconditioning (so im cool) and curl up in my comforter...and escape from this pain. Alone in this house again tonight I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me The way that it was and could have been surrounds me I'll never get over you walkin' away (Chorus:) I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain From my eyes Tonight I wanna cry Would it help if I turned a sad song on "All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

Im not feeling well today. I mean, I feel physically fine...but..other wise... Today, Ive fought to urge to do harm to myself. I feel weak....so weak. Drained.....and empty. Does he ever feel like this too? Does he I wonder...know how it is to truley miss someone? To feel like your exsisting with no arms and no legs. Your a body..but with no limbs. Ive eaten hardly nothing today...I have no appetite. A bowl of cereal and jello....Food has lost its flavour today. Dont think Im going to bother going into work tommorow. Im going to steer my daughter off to school. Im going to call in sick..a sick day for my heart and mind. Then...I want to return to my apt..and suffer in silence, cry out loud..and sit in the shower with the hot water hitting my skin. No music today. Today..is a day of mourning.

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses You've been out ridin' fences, for so long - now. Ohh you're a hard one. I know that you've got your reasons. These things that are pleasin'you Can hurt you somehow. Now it seems to me, some fine things Have been laid upon your table. But you only want the ones That you can't get. Desperado, Ohhhh you aint getting no younger. Your pain and your hunger, They're driving you home. And freedom, ohh freedom. Well that's just some people talking. Your prison is walking through this world all alone. Don't your feet get cold in the winter time? The sky won't snow and the sun will shine. It's hard to tell the night time from the day. And you're losing all your highs and lows aint it funny how the feeling goes away... Desperado, Why don't you come to your senses? come down from your fences, open the gate. It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you. You better let somebody love you. (let sombody love you) You better let somebody love you...ohhh..hooo before it's too..oooo.. late. Hung UP Every little thing that you say or do I'm hung up I'm hung up on you Waiting for your call baby night and day I'm fed up I'm tired of waiting on you Time goes by so slowly for those who wait No time to hesitate Those who run seem to have all the fun I'm caught up I don't know what to do Time goes by so slowly I don't know what to do I can't keep on waiting for you I know that you're still hesitating Don't cry for me 'cause I'll find my way You'll wake up one day But it'll be too late

His house was packed. Laughter rang from all his walls. I threw on my smile...and tried to mingle as best I could. My mom saw threw me. She saw right threw me. She walked right up to me..and whispered in my ear "did David write you back or call you yet???" I looked at her, and tears welled up in my ears..as I muttered "no ma...and he isnt.....dont get me started, I dont want to get myself upset" She responded "you know a simple answer back wouldnt kill him..now hes just being rude" "mom...lets drop it...Im trying to move on." "okay okay...but jezz...". I walked away and sat beside my brother and his girlfriend. I poured a still rum and coke...and thought about David was going to meet my family this October. he was supposed to become one of "the family" this "scene...I was sitting in". he was supposed to exsperience my family, my christmas..and the fact we both think its a marketing holiday, and has little to do with Jesus. Try and find another women who also thinks that way David. Try. (huh) I sipped my drink..and found comfort in my liquid hammer. It helped my legs not hurt so much. His house was full this afternoon. I knew all of them. Friends and family...all is welcome. Later on ..after dinner, as Im cleaning up...one of dads friends walked in. It was Steve. I know him well...hes a guitar player. Steve had someone with him.. He was being introduced to the family. When I heard "this is bobs daughter Michelle" I turned around to shake his hand. He was my age, if not in his early 40's..glasses, balding..with a soft friendly face. He was dressed neatly..and spoke softly. He shook my hand and said "wow...you had me at hello...look at your eyes..are you wearing contacts?" I pulled my hand away. I felt my face get hot...I havent been commented on my eyes for a while. I used to get alot. I got it alot as a teenager, and young adult. I mean, I used to model mascara and contacts for avon. I have long eye lashes..and green eyes. light green...and some days...they are so light green...they almost look like clear glass. I smiled and turned away..feeling akward. He didnt walk away. He stood by the fridge..and chatted with me, about how he knew my dad. Hes a vet tech with the horses. Grace walked in..and immediatley..he said "she has to be your daughter..she looks just like you..my god look at her eyes!" She turned and did a 360 turn. It doesnt take much for her to get shy. She ran. We chuckled. He has 2 young boys aged 6 and 8 and and ex wife. Im thinking why is he telling me all this? I just smiled, as I washed dishes. I mean..hello I look like shit. My hair is in a pony tail. Im wearing grey sweat pants, and a white shirt (with a new ketchup stain on it now)..no make up..no perfume...and Ive got a puffy face from the night before. I look like SHIT. But...hes standing there chatting me up. huh Im thinking "do I have "easy lay" on the back of me or something?" He lights up a ciggarette. ewwwwww.....like so ewwwwwww.. I hate smokers then he is telling me about his ex wife. Trying to be funny...telling me jokes about her. Im thinking "umm....thats not really nice to her". Shes a bi sexual. oh yeah...hes telling me this...hes into bysexual women. Im thinking "TOO MUCH INFORMATION"...like hello..I dont know you. Now Im getting creeped out. This guy is just way to OPEN and freaking me out now. I finish out..and there is about 14 of us on dads porch. Steve pulls out his guitar. Immediatley..I think of DAVID. Its the same type of guitar has. Oh man...I dont know If I can sit here and listen to this. Steve starts playing "American Pie" the long version. You know...the 8 minute version. I know it. I learned it in grade 12. its an amazing song...a classic. Steve is singing..and we all join in on the chorus..then its only me and steve for the next 6 minutes. Just him and I. Creepo is standing there, staring at me.. thank god DAD notices. When the song ends...he cracks a joke and tells Ryan to sing and stop "staring at my daughter". Ryan is embarrassed. "look at her eyes man...she has the most amazing eyes". Dad gets up..and walks by him. I dont know what dad said..but Ryan left the room with him. thats fine with me. Very fine by me. "california dreaming" was the next song to be sung...oh how I love the mamas and the papas followed by "Desperado" .I just sat and listened to that song. The lyrics hit my heart hard. I could feel tears starting. Damn. Damn it David. Your in my heart. After that steve said "any requests?" I shouted "GEORGE MICHAEL" Faith started up..the guys danced around like ultra gay men...and us women laughed. It was funny.He played it pretty good..but way to low in key. we finished with "Hotel California" and "take it easy" I know every word in those songs too..all of us sang and swayed...oh man, what a great jam session tonight has turned out to be. I needed it. I needed to be at dads tonight. I needed to feel his hug around me..as he whispered "your always going to my little girl" He agreed to get his tests. I was right. Grace broke him. He hung around Grace alot tonight. It was a good night. I needed that compliment..as creepy as he was.Cute guy..but weird and creepy. and anyway..IM SO NOT looking. NO...not now. Like Hello...Im still in love with a man who has forgotten I exisist. I needed to sing. I havent sung since David. I sang him Lady A's "need you now". I wonder if he even remembers that. I wonder if he kept my recordings I sent him. I needed to see my mother and father. I needed my family around me. I needed to sing..I needed music.

Im leaving soon to go to my fathers...and start my nagging session about him going for blood work and erays. I wont be alone in my mission. I have my brothers there, to also jump into the conversation..and a beautiful little girl to jump onto this lap..and say "do if for me grandpa". Shes my secret weapon today. If he wont budge for us...he WILL for that kid. He loves her to death. If I say..."you want to be around to see her walk down the isle?" maybe that will hit home. Im excited about seeing my family. I love my family very much...intense. We may be british/canadian/Italian in decent. BUT We are so Italian in devotion, and dedication. Ive seen that we are there for each other...when the shit hits the fan...its like we all scurry together, and become like a pack of wolves, protecting the meek injured one in the pack. I can relax with my family. I wear sweats, hair in a pony tail, no make up..and its all good. Im in my circle. We sit at the kitchen table, with music playing on the stereo in the living room so we can hear it..and comment on the song. (my dads music of course..and we all love it..) our dogs are at our feet. Jazz our family Pit bull, and my greyhound Target. they sit together...lay together, under someones feet. We sit and drink tea. tea and more tea. (there is that british coming out) there are always cookies on the table. Or chips (my brothers love chips) None of us show up empty handed (thats the italian way) today, I am bringing a peach pie for dessert. We sit at that table..and talk, and laugh..and discuss our lives. My dad is so personable. He is so wise. You can tell him ANYTHING and not be judged. well, he might say your a wanker for making a stupid mistake. But, then ..we all laugh and cut each other up..for making a dumb move. That table fits 10 ppl..and its normally packed..and we add more chairs, as his freinds will show up. Today, he has 2 friends also invited for dinner. Dinner is a family event. We all get up from the table and help out. there is no "slacking off" Dad does the BBQ. We bring him the food..and he cooks it perfectly. Im noramally incharge of chopping things. I chop Onions..and I just dont cry. Figure that...hahaha..Ive probobly said "show your british" with onions too. The food is over the top. there is always enough to feed the entire street. He cooks enough food for 50 ppl. No one leaves hungry...never. And desert is served. Oh god..there goes the belt. Most of us know..you were elastic pants to his house. After supper Tea: this is when the more serious conversations happen. We might sit out on the back porch now...let the dogs run and play..and the meat and potatoes of life, get discussed. Then..the bonfire. We will have a bonfire in the dead of winter. Thats canadian for you. If we have a workable fire pit..its going to get used. We bundle up..and stand there at the fire..holding our hot drinks..while we chat. Going back inside..we merge at the table once more..and have more tea. I dont think anyone really ever wants to leave dads Weve always said...(us kids) that when he dies...we dont know what we will do. Who are we going to see on Sundays? who are we going to call on Sundays? Who will hold our family dinners??? these are questions I will not think about now. Im not going to cry..and think about what will tear me from limb to limb..or gut me like Jack the Rippers Last victim. No..why think about it, till I have too? We are leaving to go see dad early. Grace wants to pick some apples from his orchard. There are apparently tons of apples ready to harvest...and dad said, "your going home with a heap" then...Grace wants to go with her papa to the barn Dad owns racehorses. She loves going with him, to feed them their dinner. She is such a horse fanatic. Just like her papa. He likes just him and her to go alone. He makes it something,..that only they share. TEll me this man isnt amazing. God hes amazing. He loves her and looks at her, that I must been looked at too as a kid. He keeps calling her my name. "oops...she looks like you..thats why I do that...". I dont think she looks like me. however, I have tons of people tell me "shes a mini you...she looks like you" no...she looks like Grace. She is so much prettier than her mom. God Bless her. well, its time to get ready to leave.

It's not easy trying to understand How the world can be so cold, stealing the souls of man Cloudy skies rain down on all your dreams You wrestle with the fear and doubt Sometimes it's hard but you gotta believe There's a better place, where our Father waits And every tear He'll wipe away The darkness will be gone,the weak shall be strong Hold on to your faith There will come a day, there will come a day Wars are raging, lives are scattered Innocence is lost, and hopes are shattered The old are forgotten, the children are forsaken In this world we're living in Is there anything sacred? There will come a day, there will come a day The song will ring out, down those golden streets The voices of earth with the angels will sing Every knee will bow, sin will have no trace In the glory of His amazing grace Every knee will bow, sin will have no trace In the glory of His amazing grace