i'm feeling kind of sad right now, i think its the sudden realisation of a wasted day, and knwoign you wont do anything about it, so i think i might go to bed,

really. its ridiculous. last night, i was someone else, part of a different family and my grandmother was trying to murder the other members off my family, i managed to get my little brothers and sisters out of the house but then she pushd my pregnant mother down the stairs, i dragged her out of the house, picked her up, and was carrying her around blackwwod, screaming for someone to call an ambulance, i passed SO many of my freinds, they ignored the fct i was stumbling round with an unconcious bleeding women and just walked on in the mean time, i couldnt find dad, and the kids kept on running away from me, and somewhere deep down i knew that nanna was coming back to get us, in these dreams, i always know i'm dreaming, but i can never change my dreams, and it takes somuch effort to wake up,

i can still feel your nails drawing circles on my back i want you please

last night was great, pancake kitchen is yeh, the best restaurant ever (: three days till holidays, then easter egg hunts and moustache appreciation day (: its ok, theres a stud day too, art shop here i come, i need watercolours, seeing as iv finally started my final :/ nannie went into hospital today,shes having a brainscan to check she's all ok for the shock therapy, today it suddenly hit me she was going in, i deflated, just started crying. i have worked on my application for at least 4 hours today, so tired. though, i went today, and worked out the printing, now i just need the words perfect.easier said than done.

[x] Kissed someone. [ ]Smoked cigarettes. [ ]Got so drunk you passed out. [ ]Rode every ride at an amusement park. [x]Collected something really stupid. [x]Gone to a rock concert. [ ]Had sex at the beach. [x]Helped someone. [ ]Gone fishing. [x]Kissed someone you really shouldn’t have. [x]Watched four movies in one night. [x]Gone long periods of time with out sleep. [x]Lied to someone. [ ]Snorted cocaine. [ ]Done hard drugs (i.e. ecstasy, heroin, crack, meth, acid). [ ]Watched someone die. [x]Been to a funeral. [x]Burned yourself. [ ]Ran a marathon. [ ]Your parents got divorced. [x]Cried yourself to sleep. [ ]Spent over $200 in one day. [x]Flown on a plane. [x]Cheated on someone. [x]Been cheated on. [x]Text dirty. [x]Written a 10 page letter. [ ]Gone skiing. [x]Been sailing. [x]Had a best friend. [x]Lost someone you loved. [ ]Been to jail. [x]Had detention. [ ]Skipped school. [x]Got in trouble for something you didn’t do. [x]Stolen books from the library. [x]Gone to a different country. [ ]Dropped out of school. [x ]Been in a mental hospital. [x]Talked till the early morning on a school night. [x]Watched the “Harry Potter” movies. [x]Had an online diary. ;D [ ]Fired a gun. [ ]Gambled in a casino. []Had a yard sale. [ ]Been fired from a job. [ ]Taken a lie detector test. [ ]Swam with dolphins. []Gone to Sea World. [ ]Voted for American/Australian Idol. [x]Written poetry. (if you can call it that?) [x]Read more than 20 books a year. []Gone to Europe. [x]Had someone sneak into your house. [x ]Loved someone you shouldn’t have. [x]Lusted after someone you shouldn’t have. [x]Used a coloring book over age 12. [x]Been in a fist fight. [x]Suffered any form of abuse. [ ]Had a hamster. [x]Petted a wild animal. [x]Used a credit card. [ ]Known someone with HIV or AIDS. [x]Taken pictures with a webcam. [x]Started a fire. [x]Had a party while someones parents weren’t home. [ ]Gotten caught having a party while they were gone

do not try and contact me when im THAT tired, my hands and eyes dont work aand i will send you somethign like "im in zombie. so threef. hashi.zm i have to sleep. antele even waht juic.zth wilded perot me the meetie. tootiered. needkepi. batsey.funska.geh diarmothattalme" ergh.badbad dreams agaain. fuckthem today will be loverly itsraining but its kind of warm, it smells so good. and i'll probably not do my homework, but you never know, and im seeing Jay, and were going to the pancake kitchen for dinner and yeah

she kissed him (:

i woke up this morning, in a happysleeply mood, one of those mornings where you wake, strech under tehe covers then roll over back to sleep, until i heard the parents fighting, again and myy little brther just goes "mum, was dad nice when you married him?" that pretty much just broke my heart i can safely say

nannies going into hospital on monfay, for two weeks, shell be in for easter theyre putting her on antidepressants, its crazy to think shes not on any atm, even though she really doesnt need more pills but i actually had a loverly day no homework, bu said my indos getting really fluent, paella for tea,long walk in the dark with my doggy (: todays been niceeee (:

Lastnight I felt like this: They are trying to get Nannie back into hospital. It would be the second time this year. It is horrible, to see her shake, the pitiful things that worry her “lulu, can you please check my phone, I think someone called, I don’t know what to do. What if I miss a call from her? What if? What if?” That look on her face. She takes her pills, she worries, she sleeps, and sometimes, she smiles, in that way. The smile that says ‘I’m sorry, this is all too hard, I try, but I can’t fight it anymore.’ She smiles like she’s trying so hard. It kills, to see her like this, I remember having so much fun with her, especially when I was little. Mum is on the phone to her now. I can hear them talking, Nannie in her insanity, my mother, laughing sometimes, then the voice of a psychologist. Calming, trying. She knows what to do, she has done this for years, ever since she was younger than me. she can be a bitch, and I hate her, but what she has had to endure. Her and Pa, they are saints. They look after her every single day. And when they crack, I cantdescribe. And it’s horrible, but I could not stand to be like her. Mum talks to me in the same way she talks to he when I’m like that. I get like that. I start to shake.the difference is, I get angry. I don’t let them in on my depression. But im scared, I get scared, that I will end up like her, a wreck of her former self. I cannot handle the thought, Im stressed, tired, procrastinating as always and this, And fuck, now I’m angry, my grandmother is going to a fucking mental hospital again and I mananged to turn it into a fucking rant about myself. Disgustingcunt. That’s what I am. Jay just text me “ do you realised I can see myself spending…well, a majority of my life with you.” No, just, I can too. But I will fuck up this beautiful girl, I will wreck her, I am horrible, and it will tarnish her. I see myself with her, for years, and years, I cannot see a future without her, But I hurt her, I know it, when I say I want to cut, when I call her coz I cannot handle my own life. It is not fair, not on her, We will become nannie and pa. Her friends are right, there is no way that I am worth the pain that I am, that I will cause her. And even now, I know what I’ve just written will hurt her I could not post, but this needs to go up out and away, I can’t hold it to my chest I cannot keep it in And FUCKINGCUNTLICKINGSONOFANDONKINGFUCKINGWHORE I am talking about myself again. I quit. BUT NOW, Tonight I started restoring my depression era cupboard. It’s actually so good, I haven’t done anything like this in years. Lately I’ve been struggling heaps with my identity, I feel too fem, way too fem. Im craving the idea of being a guy again, I miss having shortshort hair, being a tomboy, wrestling with Gus. Its actually ironic, the years when I was the biggest tomboy were when I had the longest hair.