haha just a little so, i never learn, its been proven overandover, i inivited M to avenue q with me [coz my beautiful baby girl is away still] and shes likee yeah, ill come, YAY! i have a friend ring her up to organise it, oh sorry, im going out with yana now, my bad, i forgot to tell you she does this all the time, its only whenn im the beest thing she is offered that she'll say yes, thats why i never saw her these past holidays and i nevr learn, and i still get upset, im fucking crying still and then, shes having a go at me the other day for ditching her at the pagent, what. a. fucking. hypocrite. two days now, until shes in my arms,,,, i cannot wait, one kiss, i can do this LAWWWWWWWWWWWL

first day of year 12. it feels so wrong im scared already i dont wann do this i came home, and went to sleep my shoulders are full of knots so, im back at school, it feels like there were no holidays but its YEAR 12, the FINAL year, the hard stuff and im not ready! i want to go back to my plan, a year off, then go to muirden or summat asflew.uif.gkrg htoeu im hanging out for monday, jays coming to school, hopefully ;)

yesterday night was so lovely, i did yoga under the stars and the sky was blackasblack with whisps of clouds, an sparkling diamond stars and the moon just gloweeed, and i was in this lovely peacefulcontentblank mood, i even ended up tidying my room, which isSTRANGGEE and yeahthe nigth ended well, apart from this wierd feeling that i was detached from my body, i could feel my arms and legs, butthey felt like they belonged to someone else, and when i touched my skin, it wasnt my skin, wierddd anyway mood for today is much the same, its wellies birthday and australia day, which in my opinion, is just a reason for us to act very cliche, and very 'stereotypically' aussie, you know, beach, beer, barbie, sunburn, cricket etc ah, school tommorow, first day of year 12, honestly, i refuse to believe it,hahaha, my bliss mood even resulted in me doing homework mm, i took photos today, iv missed the good camera my house looks insanley wild, i love it (: and iv got somee more ideas for art (: yayyyy!

umsies, had to go to school today, get my timetable and stuff, arGH! i have really shitty frees, like triples during the middle of the day >M< it was niiiice seeing people again, ive missed them all so, but im back into the stupid school routine already, and yeah it sucks im not really keen, and talking to steph, whos been patying the holidays aaway even though shes grounded makes me feel like my holidays have been somewhat wasted, my last summer holidays at school, i havent sevn been drunk >< todays been better, a bit, um, baby, 6 days? i miss you, i made your playlist it is: fall for you- second hand seranade im her man- reelbig fish i miss you- blink 182 brown eyed girl- van morrison flame trees- sarah blasko running up that hill i caught fire fidelity beside you- marianas trench trouble- nevershoutnever your biggestfan-nevershouit never boys wanna be her-peaches 6 months- hey monday I LOVE YOU JAY. xx

internet is back! only allow3ed half an hour a day though. GRRR family!! um, schools back in three days >< NOOOOOOO! i have done barely any of the homework, and honestly, im not ready for year 12. im depresses again, so im just lying around, hating stuff. formal shopping today, i found one nice dress, made me look like cleopatra (: asdfwkfbrefwef ah, i cut the other day, it did nutting >< trallaaaaa i miss my baby jay, i wantneed her so so so much, she gets back on the 31st, and shes gonna visit me at school (: ahh,,, yeahhhhh,, im off fantising now (: oski had been so great, he texts me chekcing im not lonely, a sour notee, cksfedlfiekdgf i hate my body flwgweerwfgt4rg yeah i know i should do something about it, like excerssise, but i eat cake and then go to sleep, its easier that way.

iv missed writing on here constantly, but i also think it was kind of good for me umm, so whats been going on? well, lians alive, iv been at victor: ah victor, for the first time it felt truly like holidays, twlve children, three lots of parents, chaos and mounds of food, it is impossible to explain but i got down there for the first time this holidays, with everyone and it was like wow, i am home, this is my life, im prefectly happy to reject most people while im down there, even facebook, haha mm, when L tried to kill himself, the night after i just broke down, in front of mum, which never happens and i was shaking and crying and stuff, but she was so good to me, and shes like balhblah, and i cant remmber what she talked abut, but i remmber how certain and logical ahe is about that stuff coz nannies like this so, JAYYY (: yeah, shes working alot at the moment, photoing and stuff,, opefully,hopefully fingerscrossed ill see her a the picnic tommorow otherwise, it will be like a week and half coz shes working at the tennis in melbourne and yeh theres all my school stuff then i mis her sosos much yesterday i havd the worst 'cravings' for her, in the middle of the cinema, jo actually took my phone away so i couldnt text her >< adymm obsession, but i love you honey (: ummmm, whatttt ellsee? oh yeah, fuck, i start my final year of higschool in like two week, sor lesss, its scary im excited, btu i dont get it, hOOWWW/ i always throught id was for big kids, im not a big kid, not a all >< today, driving back in the car, half asleep i started musing about how, time always keeps moving, always icking, another scond, minute huour, day, it freaks me out a bit, i was so tired, i felt like i was moving backwards, tu time, keeps on going no matter what, nevr stopping for death or anything, yeah um, also, i now have black hair (: thres a school reunion tommrow, for primary school , which i hink will be lammeeee >< but, im gouing (: it makes me feeel So old, a school reunion, argghhhh :p

internalise things, the way i cope, is to talk, to yell, to let it bleed out, i cant lock it up in my head, i guess its why this thing has been so good for me. anyway its HOT here, so sleep is hard to come by, and i was having one of thos usual being chased dreams, and i woke up, after not enough sleep, to a txt from lian that said 'goodbye lulu' so, i freaked, as i do in these situations, my imagination runs away, i txt him back, 'replyyy! please baby' or summat like that, and lay there crying, mumbling forget,forgetforget and then, figuring i couldnt sleep, and not knowing what to do i called jay: me not internalisng things, and we talked,and the conversation only went for sixteen minutes, but in that time, i went from being a crying mess, to calm, calm enough, not to cut, and to be able to write this logically and so lian,please text me, i need to know for sure, otherwise i WILL be worrying all day, and whats going on in my mind will be horrible

it wont let me reply so here to the one beore your latest one I didn't even realise you said that - "you know, latley, when i look in the mirror, its not always bad, and i have nEVER smiled this much" I am SO SO happy you're feeling that way now. you deserve to, honest. &&&& I strongly feel it won't completely go xsflweifehgf :) I fight and fight, I always do for the ones I love. remember that baby, we'll at least be friends for years to come... like we have since year 9; we never truly drifted apart. 22:20Lucinda (: stotal utter agreement (: 22:20Jacinta good :D is agreed but you always knew right? 22:21Lucinda es, iv always known

my perfect world, my favourite daydreams there would be a picnic, and then we would stay on, in the tunnels, just us two, and well, i know we'd be kissing all night long, because, i cant keep my lips off of yours and yes, in the morning theyd be brusied, but that would make you all the more beautiful, so, lying there, kissing, holdig touching, talking, moaning until, competly totally, utterly exhausted, we fall asleep, you holding me to you, but in the night, we share the same dream wake, the sun blinding us the next day a impossible mess of tangled limbs

22:02Jacinta :D you make my world go round dad just came up to me and was like 22:03Lucinda (: 22:03Jacinta well he hugged me and said "you're so beautiful - yeah I've heard that a lot today... no really, lulu is so lucky to have you. - I think I'm lucky I have her. you're so brilliant and you just have no idea..." I was like rolls eyes, go back to writing blog 22:04Lucinda nawwwww (: i REALLY like your dad, and i agree with him, your brillaint and beautfiual and AMZING 22:05Jacinta you can say soo and thank you but you still have to realise that you are (: 22:05Lucinda ill get there, maybe, i hope, 22:05Jacinta if you are what defines me at the moment then... 22:05Lucinda you know, latley, when i look in the mirror, its not always bad, and i have nEVER smiled this much 22:05Jacinta well and you think I'm all these things I'm only the way I am at the moment because of you that could all plummet in an instant. that's why I love you so much refer to when I'm gone and just for being you... ***** baby even if it all goes xsflweifehgf we will still be friendss, it mightnot be AS amaixng but now, its fuckign wonderful, i wishi could post this whole ocnvo in (: