I love you. Yes, yes I do. I don't have anything to write about but I thought I would say something anyways, I am in a very good mood tonight. Maybe its the thought that I get to be with him, emotionally, spiritually, physically and sexually. I am really happy about that. On a side note, I am a good friend, I tell Alex a lot but I don't tell him everything. Not because I don't want to or that I can't, but simply out of respect and trust for my friends. I want my friends to be able to come to me for anything, knowing that I won't tell a soul. I only wish that my friends did the same. Whatever I say about my relationship, my body, my thoughts gets shared with everybody. My girl friends end up telling their boyfriends, who I frankly don't think they should know that kind of information. I don't mind sometimes, but when its about my body type, breast size (I know they are very large and it is quite visible to everyone) or relationship troubles I really don't think it is anybodies business. Therefore my friends shouldn't be going around telling people, I trust them enough not to. Well I am going away in the morning, and I have free texting to Verizon and 500 texts to anyone else, so if you have my number, give me a text! I would like it a lot. Stay young.

Tomorrow at 3AM I am going to the airport for my flight. I am so happy. I need to get out of here. I need this vacation. I downloaded AIM to my iTouch so I can still talk to people. I will not be on here to write til probably Wednesday night, so everyone, don't miss me too much. Don't let them tell you that you aren't beautiful.

Mike screwed me over again, I thought I saw something in him, I thought I saw change. I was wrong. I was robbed, stolen from, not only me but my family. He ruined his chances at anything. I spent the day with Kellie, swimming and skinny dipping and hanging out watching movies. It was fun. I am probably going to do it all over again tomorrow. Saturday I am going to the airport at 5AM to catch my flight to New Jersey to see my love. I am going to Ocean City and stuff then too, after spending the day in Philly. It should be fun. On Tuesday I am going to Wildwood for the day. It should be fun. I can't wait. When love takes over, yea yea. ^ corny song but its quite catchy :)

I went to the beach today, for three hours. I got sunburned, but I had fun. I went crab hunting with my cousin and then went into the water, which is the first time probably since I was 11 that I went in and actually enjoyed myself. I had plans to hang out with Rachel but she pulled out, so instead I went up to Nashua and hung around with Olivia and Meghan. Tomorrow I am heading back to the beach with Kellie, Taylor and Haley, which should be fun. I love the beach. I wish I lived there. I am going to Alex's on Saturday, I am literally stoked. It is so exciting. I love that kid. If you hate filling out your time sheets...

So this year was the first in 5 years that I didn't go to camp. I was too old to go as a camper, so originally I wanted to go as a CIT. But things changed when I started dating Alex. I needed to apply for the CIT spot in February, and at that point I didn't want to go, I was in a hot and heavy relationship and I was afraid to leave. But its almost August and I miss camp. I look at pictures of it and want to do anything to go back. Another reason I didn't go to camp this year was because my best friend from there, Larissa, decided not to go. And I didn't know anybody else to be honest. Me and her spent every day together for the past 5 years, so I didn't make any other close friends. I knew the people who were going this year, and I was friends with them, but not like I was with Larissa, nothing could top that friendship. But looking back, I really miss it, and I wish that I could go. It is my second home. It has a lot of my friends. It is made for me you know? I just wish there was a way to go back. I miss you, I miss you so.

Fighting with Alex is oh so much fun. I hate it. More than ever. Arguing over things that have nothing to do with him. He feels like he controls me, that he is going to put so much guilt on me until I crack and finally give in. I am a forgiving person, and that's it. Its how I am and forever will remain. I am so upset that I am covered in hives. Which has never happened before. I am sure that I will feel like this again. I just want to rip off his head. I am standing my ground now. This is how it is going to be. I am going to finally stand up for myself. I'm only halfway sober.

When I get into one of my really upset moods, I stay in that mood, for a while. I can't help it. Everything seems to be awful from then on, until something amazing happens and snaps me back into reality. Sometimes I wish I could just stay in my alternate reality, is that weird to say if my alternate reality is all about me being forever depressed? I've been sitting here for hours all alone and in the dark.

Mad cleaning spree today. After I am going to take the car and go up to Nashua for a while. I need to go tanning, get my book, buy anniversary presents, and buy something decent for me to wear to meet Alex's mom. Anyone around here want to meet up with me? Text me and let me know. I'm stuck in this fucking rut, waiting on a second hand pick me up.

I was out to breakfast today with my Nana and randomly she just says "I don't know why you aren't on birth control." Oh really Nana? it was awkward, simply because she is talking about me having sex and what not. It was pretty funny though. I have to work at noon, til three, then I am going to hang out with Taylor, or maybe go somewhere. Who knows. If you here these words, won't you please just come back home?

Watching 16 and Pregnant, and it gets me every time. Crying my eyes out, like a few nights ago. I know how it feels... Day N' Night, the lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night.