ive been feeling better. ive been going up. its great. thought i should just put some progress in here.

he has a new girlfriend. it just makes me feel even lonelier. its like losing him all over again. but i feel hollow at the same time. like i want it to hurt but my heart doesnt its like the pain is in mind but fuck just idk just fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck i wanna scream at him i wanna hit him. i wanna not care and part of me actually really doesnt. i just want to get to school and start again and like be successful. idk this is just such bullshit.

3294203482309238 steps forward and non back. lifes going up. the darkest hour has passed. finally my dawn is dawning.

im damaged goods now. thats too bad. i wish i could stop feeling. like just turn it off for just a little while. im only okay when im surrounded by people but even then i feel lonely. every freaking square inch of every freaking thing reminds me of him. i cant go two seconds without thinking about him. its getting to the point that even fucking blinking reminds me of him. like "oh i used to blink with him" yeah yeah yeah what the fuck. honestly i wish i could just get my heart to understand the way my brain does. like helloooo he doesnt matter anymore he was no good he was just a high school guy there is a wholeeeee future ahead of you for you to still enjoy ! but nope it doesnt feel like cooperating. thanks heart, thanks a lot. like i wish my heart could be logical, which i know is not possible. but i think about kissing any other guy and it just makes my stomach drop and makes me wanna vomit. i cant imagine getting acclimated with another guy ever. not even just to hook up. it feels wrong. it makes me feel vulnerable. i feel like im cheating on him. i want to not feel that way. but when i think about it its all i feel. but i hate it i dont wanna feel that way at all. but it scares me to kiss another guy. i feel scared to expose myself again. its like touching the flame when you know it burns but doing it anyway. i cant shake these feelings but i want to. i cant believe he already move on. he already likes another girl. how can i have been so unimportant that he could move on so quickly? did i really make no difference to him. i thought we were so perfect. we were so cute together he was so sweet. has he forgotten everything? i wish i could forget it all. it makes me sick. i cant believe i lost my virginity to him. that phrase always sounds so negative and now i know why. i cant figure out if i regret it. but i know i wont have sex for a good long time. it makes me feel really weird and sad inside. we had sex on monday he dumped me friday. it didnt mean anything to him. it meant everything to me. im just damaged goods now.

its always darkest before the dawn. well how much darker can this get ? i need that morning baby, im suffocating in the dark.

and yet i'm still barely holding on. just when i take a step forward i take two steps back. i want your hold on me to vanish. in glee they talked about that chord that connects you to someone and then finn broke up with quin because he felt it with rachel. well i feel that chord with ryan even when we arent together. he broke up with me and i still feel that i want to go to him to make me feel better.

more than ever i wish right now my life were a book. i need so badly to read this ending. i need to know life goes on and i feel better. my heart aches like its never ached before. i thought this was it. but i cant stop this crying. i wish i could stop this breathing.

i feel so sick. i am so sick. without you im deteriorating.

he said we need to talk. end of the day. still at school. he says i love you bianca but im ready to move on.i cried. then i stopped breathing. i hyperventilated for a good twenty minutes and he just stood there like the idiot he is. ally came and kissed me on the cheek best moment in my life. then he was like lets go outside. and again he stood there and watched me hyperventilate. so awk. i was so mad. i wish i had been stronger. its embarrassing. im dumped again. id been thinking of doing the same for awhile tho. and now i try and cry and theres no tears. i called my sister and she made me feel better. i got henna. we'll still be friends. its really his loss. the worst part is how all the ppl who hate me will be psyched he dumped me and that i failed in another relationship. even though he said i didnt do anything wrong. but im really okay now. plenty of other cute boys to smile at. i regret the sex now. at least i dont have to pretend to like the jewelry any more.

sitting in school. school is lame. its been raining all week. i have a serious case of the rainy day blues but its been all week so its really just being depressed. he doesnt seem to get that im not alright or else he doesnt care. i cant focus. or maybe i dont want to. but ive sat in classes all day just staring. ive been eating a lot. sometimes i wonder if im eating for two. its impossible but its possible. im always scared of it he doesnt care. i wish i had something interesting. but its rambles of nothing. when its all written down it seems silly, foolish, childish. im embarrassed by it. its chalked up to a whole lot of nothing but it feels like everything.