yes we're talking prom here. may 14th 2011. junior prom with my boyy. such a whirlwind of a day. it went by so fast. i looked gorgeous of courseee. and he was adorable. all black tux with just a cream tie and vest to match me. we were just adorable. spent the morning getting ready. nails done with my bestie al. and then hair done. i had a cool pomp in the front and a falling side updo bun thing. it was great. my dress is hanging on my closet door and i am just staring at it wish i could go back. we went for pictures at his house and my grandparents house and finally his friends house then a limo ride to prom. we got there sat down mingled took pictures ate food that was just food. and yet it all felt so surreal and special. we danced so much. obvious grinding because we're teenagers but then we just did silly dancing together and we looked cute and silly and our friends were all youre such dorks and it was just such cute couple moments. they played a sufficient amount of slow songs but they were kind of sad slow songs. as well sometimes he didnt pay attention to me while we slowed dance which just annoyed me sooo much. but i let it go. i was determined not to let anything ruin our night. i didnt get my perfect prom moment that i had all planned out with me walking down the stairs and him seeing me but i did have a different one which i think is better because i didnt plan it. he was sitting in a chair and i was just standing next to him we were somewhat chatting with friends but then all the sudden he turns me around and sits me down on his lap and then dips me backwards and just kisses me. it was such a kodak moment. it was sooooo perfect and cute and i just had the biggest smile on my face and its definitely a moment i will never forget. i dont think he realized how much that meant to me but it really was everything. then all the sudden it was over. it went by so fast. and it feels like a blur. i feel like i cant remember it and idk why and it bothers me. then we were in the limo and we were really bad. we were laying down and he rolled me on the floor and then was kissing which was cute and should have stopped there. after ten minutes it seemed like our friends feel asleep so we decided to do something we should have. but then later we found out they totally new what was going on. oh well. at least i can check sex in a limo off the list... then we were at after prom. it started out fine. just hanging around. but then he walked passed a family friend who was chaperoning and she pulled him aside and said i know youre acting weird and are under the influence. but he really was not. but she wouldnt believe him. so then he got really upset and we left super early at 1 30 instead of 5 30. and upset is like pissed like a rage. i felt awful for him and she ruined everything. but we are both over that and now just remember the good parts.

it changes you. no matter how you fight it, soon or later, it changes you.

im so confused lately. he seems so indifferent towards me sometimes and others so all over me. i dont get it. i went to my first ever party on saturday night. omg ahmazing. was at abbeys. only a max of 20 people were there. ryan was with me. we chilled in her basement. we smoked and drank. a few guys jammed. and i just enjoyed myself completely. so this kid walks in and he is introducing himself when he gets to me i go "i know who you are! you butt dial me all the time!" and he was liek "oh shit youre the girl !! sorry that wasnt my phone with those numbers." and then i just stared at him all night because hes pretty much super cute. then i was upstairs and just laughing allllll night sooooo hard. he goes ryan is she okay ? ryans was like yeah she does this all the time. then he comes over to me and he is shirtless and he gets wicked close to me standing from behind and makes noises in my ear only to make me laugh harder. i freaking loved it. he seemed to look at me all night. but then later we were alone in the kitchen and he was all why are you lauhing to so much at me and i was like so you lived/live on adin dr ? he goes yep still do. i go well my cousin and aunt lived there and we used to play together. and he was all oh shit i knew you looked familiar. and then i didnt know what else to say so i just sped outta the room. and then later abs passed out. me and ryan slept on the floor together. then it was all over. it was over so fast but it was such a good time. i wanna do it again wicked soon. im so excited to get my license in two weeks

first 4/20 i ever celebrated. happily spent it with my new best friend abbey. we smoked and walked around then made friendship bracelets

March 26, 2011. Semi Formal night at SHS.

it makes me sad to read these journals and realize ive written about the most worthless guys and in the last six months have not written about the most perfect guy thoroughly. ive been dating him for six months and its been so perfect. of course there have been some bumps which ive written about but they have not nearly been the whole relationship. i want to be able to read about how ahmazing he was and for people who read these to realize i have the most perfect boyfriend. and i hate that i can remember my first meeting/kiss with other guys from this journal but not the one most important one. i barely remember what i wore or he wore on our first date. the first date was at his house. we had been texting for awhile but had to wait till he got back from PA. we were flirting but we figured we'd just be friends. we watched the candy man. haha and then we listened to music and switched ipods. i remember i wore my orange shorts and green brand new t shirt to impress him to show i liked music. i had my yellow bag and my highlighter flip flops and curly light brown hair. i was tan. i cant remember what he wore. we cuddled i remember that. i was soooooo nervous when i went to his house. he looked nervous too. pretty sure i was the first girl he ever had oveer. he was really sweet. when i left his house we texted. his dad said to him so youre dating her. and he was all no im not and his dad was like yeah sure. and then the next time i saw him was at our friends surprise party and we sat next to each other. she didnt want us dating. then we went to my house the next day. we kissed that day. i dont remember what he or i wore or what we watched. or whatever else we did. but he shut me down like 7 times and i got exasperated. finally we kissed though. it was his first kiss. then we were at my house again and we smoked me for the first time. then the next time my house again and we got left alone with my sister because my grandfather but his tongue. we smoked again. and then we started dating. we smoked at my house and almost got caught. so we dont smoke at my house anymore. one night we were in the basement listening to Eisley and we fell asleep. we went to home coming together. he bought me a birthday present. we broke up and got back together. we had sex for the first time in december. it was at his house. in the playroom on the couch. it was good. we said i love you. he came to christmas. we spent new years together and got drunk and high. we went to the city together for the weekend. and slept together in his arms. i was in heaven. then it was valentines day he did dinner and i did diessert we got left alone. we showered together it was a lot of fun and really intimate. we've had sex in my bed and in his bed. and now its march. we're in love. and we had plans for the spring and summer. i love him more than anything. he loves me too. its a wonderful time.

my stomach is in knots. i wish he would text me to let me know everything is alright. this is killling me i might throw up. doesnt he get how nervous i am ? everything must be fine though because his friend went on fb so that means nothing could have happened the police dont let you go on fb if youre arrested. i just wish he could he remember to text me. but now its three am and i need to go back to sleep but i cant because im all pysched up and nervous about him. oh love how it takes its toll. i love him and so i worry.

so theres this girl. i ended up in a relationship with this guy she liked and was dating at the same time i was but he chose me. so the entire time we're together she goes on about how im a slut bitch whore ect and we are not a good match. it turns out this boy and i were not a good match. they had hung out one time while we were dating because i trusted him though i did not trust her at all. but so then after we break up they start dating. she should drop the whole thing because she got what she wanted in the end but no. my new boyfriend whom im completely in love with she has to talk to and be all the sudden best friends with. she shits on me in front of him and tells him shit about me and how she hates me. welll okay you fucking bitch so obviously i hate her. so the other day she drives my boyfriend to my house because she and he and another friend had been hanging out but he wanted to come see me. well she comes in because she wants to talk to me. im like fucking a but fine. so she comes in and its super awkward we just stand there. finally so goes "so there is obviously tension between us" (no shit you fucking talk shit on facebook about me so i can see it) "and i just wanted to apologize for whatever i may have did" (and yes she used the wrong fucking grammer like an fucker) "but i have a lot of things going on in my life right now and i wanna be at peace with everyone" okay cool so that was super fucking back handed. you act like you dont know what you did when its super obvious. so all i say is oh well thansk and then shes all "and well i really like your house. its cool joe said it was cool" okay cool now get the fuck out. so then she leaves and im super fucking pissed. and so then my boyfriend is all see isnt that nice. but maybe you should have apologized. what the fuck what was i supposed to apologize for having completely nothing to do with her and then her attacking me. its not my fault he chose me but fuck it we broke up and she got him THEN CHEATED ON HIM LIKE THE SKANK SHE IS! like hello ?! but now she wants to hang out and be all buddy buddy with me um no ? i dont work like that you obviously are sooooo fake and i dont want fake friends. plus i hate your voice. i hate that rys friends with her shes god awful. just so so so so so awful. i feel like every girl likes ryan and i hate him being around girls. i know he would never cheat on me but i feel like the girls will try to do something to do him and he wont react fast enough and something would happen. i love him so much. so so so much. i love his smell, taste, face, back, hands, arms, legs, feet, smile, glasses, ears, hair just i could keep going but its a tad silly. but i feel jealous of when other girls get to see him and i cant. i just wanna spend every minute waking and sleeping with him. i wanna live with him.

fuck parties. what is the fucking point of them ? theyre stupid and dangerous. i just needed you tonight. because everything has gone to shit and i need you with me. i feel like shit. i just want you to hold me tight and say everything will be okay. because really today when you were doing that everything felt so fine and i was happy. and then i came home without you. its too early to sleep but i want to. i just cant sleep. and i wanna talk to you and i miss you. i should have went but there would have been no fucking point. but im so nervous for you. i want this to all be over and for it to be next weekend.

i hope you think i'm cute. i like when you kiss my forehead.