goddess, you're beautiful. 

why am i so good at pushing you away?

So close to the finish and all i feel is confliction. i want to go running for the hills and  i want to cling to you. how am i here? how did i get here? what decisions landed me in this place? why do you still hold my heart in your hand? i wonder if you even think about me? even in passing? even for the slighest second by accident? i've been doing great all on my own. i know how to take care of myself, by myself, for myself. i keep moving forward but theres always this tiny little snag and it annoys the hell out of me. how am i still caring about what you think of me, what youre doing without me? i can remember everything about you. the feel of your skin, what it feels like in your arms, the way you would say my name, say i love you. now im caught up in these stupid torrid affairs that are over before they even start. i miss our intamcy. i miss the mornings spent in bed and the showers and getting stoned and eating through the whole kitchen. but then i remind myself of the fighting. your priorities. our differences. they seemed so big but were they? i guess i'll never know. i just really wonder what youre doing all the time. whos hand youre holding. are we ever in the same town at the same time? remember when we could feel the others presence, or so we claimed. i miss the comfort, how we could be in the same house not even the same room or near each other or talking or anything and just feel completely whole. you ruined me. 

sometimes i just think about you.

intimacy makes me want to throw up. im scared how much i want it and how much i want to run from it. 

i guess i'm feeling empty. i thought you could fill me but you aren't. it just feels like you're constantly pulling away from me and im not sure if i can do it much longer. i don't need everything. just a little something will do. why can't you just give me that? its not asking much. not nearly as much as i could be asking. how do people live? i don't really get it. its so much work. trying to attain everything that makes you "happy". i'm just already over it. why bother when not trying to be happy is so much easier? 

Could I be your everything while simultaneously being nothing?

I can't remember the last time I kissed someone and liked it.

I can't even remember what kissing even feels like. 

I think I've given up on myself.

I can only describe it as feeling inadequate. Maybe a touch of who the fuck am i and what am i doing. i feel like im having a crisis of person like a midlife crisis but im only twenty. in fact newly twenty because i just turned twenty last week. ive been twenty for almost a week now and i dont even know what that means. when i think about it i feel like im about to pass out or sufficate or just sob.