shutupshutupshutupshutupshutUP. SHUT THE FUCK UP. why can't you ever just realise i KNOW WHAT I AM DOING, i've considered all the options, i'm NOT a fucking IDIOT. you expect me to have the intelligence of an adult, to get the grades of a top-2%-pupil at a grade-obsessed grammar school, FUCKING TREAT ME LIKE ONE. i KNOW you think i look down on you like you're piece of crap sometimes but that's just your inferiority complex and i fucking don't. it's simply a matter of me knowing what i'm doing and you just butting in and, i hate to admit this, getting in the way. I'M NOT A KID. i can think for myself, if it turns out i'm wrong i will be the only one who suffers. LEAVE ME ALONE. and when i finally explode, don't even THINK about trying to make me feel sorry for you by fucking crying. it'll only make me angrier. SHIT, i need to be somewhere else right now

...great. despite the aforementioned daydreams and shit, it doesn't feel like i even have a boyfriend right now. I need something to take my mind off the same old, same old. i was happy with thinking about the same people every day but lately it isn't really enough. how do i change that without losing them all? add me, it'd be funny to see if anyone actually reads this. pervvvv (joking). vote-for-mel@hotmail.com

back to the rhythm and back to the beat of the radio do you have moments with someone that always play throgh your head when you feel shit/defeated/even just bored? i do. it's slightly annoying, because I can never completely recreate them without missing details. maybe writing everything down'll evacuate them...i don't know. it's worth a try. one softly strumming 'always' by blink 182 on his acoustic in a field on a hill surrounded by other towns. surprising him by singing along, running my hands through his hair, his head resting just below my chest. we're both slightly intoxicated, which only magnifies the feeling of perfection that is that moment. i know that, even if I could have anything in the world, i would only ask for more of him. two mucking about in ruth's room after an evening letting each other know how we feel without talking. exhausted of everything, me lying down and him following suit, facing me. before i know it he's kissing me for the first time, pressing into me so hard it takes me by surprise. after a few seconds i smile, and he asks if i'm laughing at him. I say no, still grinning, and dip my head back down to enjoy the last few minutes with him before i have to go to germany. three lying on the living room sofa the first time he came to my house. i'm torn between a slightly upset and awkward ruth & staying curled up to him. it's the first time he discovers my outy belly button and he loves it - he finds it hilarious but doesn't realise that every time he touches me I have to stop myself from shivering. four watching the fireworks in the close - his arms are wrapped around my waist and the perfect height for me to lean back on him. for once i'm not acutely aware of his every move against me, I'm happy just knowing he's there. we don't kiss. we don't need to.

mmm mm mmmm I like cheerful saturdays. went to southampton with Lolz, Annie, Emily & Cara, and actually had a really good time. no boyfriends, no alcohol, just laughing and shopping...I like it like that, sometimes you don't need anything else. settled on pirates for la party, cause I have no originality/imagination. i have a bandana, stripy top and spangly gold treasure, just need a cutlass & an eyepatch (: stopstopstopstopstop thinking about him. i swear it does no favours for my (in)sanity. I was thinking today, he's the only guy i've ever actually 100% enjoyed 'making out' with. the others were okay, but nothing special. he's special, isn't he? I guess that's why. I'll stop writing about crap now, it's a waste of time.

thanks for the best years of my life, i mean that. you have been there for every step of the way & i'm so happy to have found someone like you 'cause without you i don't know what I would do... i miss him a lot. i wish I caught the bus. i also need some awesome costume ideas for Flo's party. all i can think of right now is pirates ...arrrr.

so, if anyone was to read a survey-type thing I just filled in, they'd learn things like this about me: my name's mel. if I could change my eye colour it'd be to Kate or Andrew's eye colour, which is their mum's brrrright blue. the wallpaper on my phone is a photo of me & caitlin after we got our faces painted. xavi was the last person who held my hand, and also gave me my last bruise (i told him I have a high pain threshold so he bit me and left bitemarks. is it weird I found that pleasurable? am i sadistic?) xavi plays a pretty big part in my life - he was the last person i kissed, at the bus station on thursday before he jumped on his bus home. 2 facts about him: he has the loveliest hair in the universe and likes my belly button (it's an outy). the last time i cried was last weekend at the D of E expedition, with laughter when I cracked a shit joke about older men. i'm english, but i have 3 dollars stuck on my wall. i'm pretty stubborn, and I equally prefer the company of both girls and guys. ... Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life? - i hope so. i hope at least some of my friends. It's 4 in the morning, your phone rings who do you expect it to be? - ruth, either 'just fancying a chat' or in dire need of someone to piss off. Who is the first person in your phone book? - alex. i got her number incase we got split up at my chemical romance. What made you happy today? - indy & frankie & emma in science...they made me laugh. lots. Where will you be in an hour? - in my room probably, after having a shower & shizz. Have you ever gotten into a drunken fight? - nope What did you do this past Valentines Day? - didn't receive anything (: although indy sent xavi a rose and made out it was from me (we weren't together at the time). funny stuff Are you truely happy? - yeah, i guess so. my life's alright when I think about it and stop being pouty & moody. and there we go. i'm bored as shite.

so, i think we're fixing it. we're not perfect - we were never perfect, far from it - but I think we're getting there. i didn't realise how hard it'd be to spend just a week without a best friend standing beside me. i'm going to be there for her, i won't analyse everything she says for lies. i'll believe her and try to understand her and maybe, in time, we'll be okay.

how you used to be (never enough : the cure) i'm finding myself increasingly impatient with ruth's nonchalance to the whole 'prozac-for-the-mental-patient' thing. It's almost as if she's...enjoying it, living up to her emo kid expectations. i can't stand it. I'm going to go ahead and admit it - i'm avoiding my best friend. and i'm suffering for it, because I miss Normal Ruth like hell. i really need her right now. on another, lighthearted note. i figured out I've bought a shocking 6 albums in the last two weeks. CDs are becoming my impulse buys rather than clothes lately. so, new additions to the collection: the cure - greatest hits joshua radin - we were here vampire weekend - vampire weekend foxboro hot tubs - stop, drop and roll bright eyes - cassadaga patrick wolf - accident & emergency all really good albums. I've been clever with my choices - no wasted money like is usually the case (:

so place your hands on my hope, run your fingers through my soul -- I'm over at Kate and Paul's for the weekend, with Laura and Tom, for kate's birthday barbeque. the two couples are currently engaged in a BBB (barbeque building battle) and I thought i'd stay out of the way for a quarter of an hour. i think I might love my siblings a little more than the average person does. I mean sure, laura pisses me off no end - but only because we've shared a house all our lives. kate & andrew are the funniest people in the world, i swear (take, for example, andrew's tactics for an awkward lapse in conversation - "so...seen any good bums lately?!"). I know I hardly see them but the phone calls and random weekend visits really do rule. it's 3 in the afternoon and we're already on beer & spirits. this is going to be a fun weekend (:

I take that back. the fact we don't fight isn't a bad thing at all. seriously, does that boy know what he does to me, without even totally meaning to? I swear, last night it was just one moment during the film that I realised something: we fit. i don't know how or why I came to that realisation, but it just hit me. we were sat in the dark, curled up together, and he was kissing my fingers. I turned his face and kissed him, and he instantly moved to be next to me - and it was just so effortless, so easy. I didn't know things could be as simple as that. and maybe they're not, most of the time. but that split-second last night just proved that if it's the right person (and I know he's the right person), anything can be simplified into almost nothing. and I want to feel that again. (: