all the viens in my feet keep swelling. and then they open up and i get that cold feeling undermyskin. you know how cold it feels when a vien breaks? it chills your skin from the inside out. everytime i take a bite of anything. soon as it reaches my throat, it turns to maggots. i can feel it. they're going down to my stomach. and they're going to eat me alive. hollow out my thorax. haha dude. there's a fishing line in my neck. but i can't figure out what it means yet. can't figure it out. bruises cover your arms, shaking in the fingers with the bottle in your palm, and the best is, no one knows who you are. just another girl alone at the bar.

it's funny how coincidental everything is. the world talks to me. the earth. the weather. people. songs. every event in my life is carefully mapped out, plotted, crafted... everything connects. the weather today totally got it right. explosions explosions explosions. kill kill kill dead dead dead. remember that time you wouldn't leave our house and the police had to come? remember how loud you made her scream? remember when you were drunk driving us? remember how you almost killed yourself? remember the car crashes? remember beating us up? remember the deciet, the lies, the false hope? thanks for everything. um you ran away today. again. you're the dad. so grow the fuck up. So I've come to complicate the dead, are you with me? I've written out all my vows again. We're almost home to see the silence break on new years eve.

haha i probably shouldn't laugh when my guts are twisting around, coiling, fucking shooting out my mouth... oh guts. they make me smile. especially when the so-called patriacrch is destroying one of the vital ones. liver: a large, reddish-brown, glandular organ located in the upper right side of the abdominal cavity, divided by fissures into five lobes and functioning in the secretion of bile and various metabolic processes. not so much, my friend. not so much. you're a little scarey and given my weakened state i'm not sure i could stomach it. oh. and i forgot to mention one little thing. your loss... Take the time to get to know me If you want me why can't you just show me We're always on this roller coaster If you want me why can't you get closer

...no one wins. ever. you're welcome.

i figured it out. i AM the overturned feeding barrel in the pasture. and all the cows have returned to the barn for the night. am i the only one who sees all these coincidences in life? honestly they're all one right after the other. they're everywhere. how can you not? oh and there are three tally marks on my left. do you understand that? can you comprehend the immense meaning in that statement? God. He is talking to me. theologically speaking. i. am. a symbol. i represent all that is good and evil in everyone. i do. look at my past. look at how i act. i'm a sinner. and i know it. and i don't care. but when i go. i'm going up. up up up. this world isn't meant for me. do you realise that? do you? realise that? no. no you don't. because i'm speaking a language only i understand. the proof is written on your blank faces and heard through your non-response. it makes me sick when you say you have problems. you're heading for a mental break-down. you're fucking fucked in the fucking head. your life fucking sucks and you, yes YOU are the one who's fucked up. well i have news for you. the one's who are really, truely and IRREVOCABLY "fucked up"... they're the ones who would never admit it. so think about that the next time you spew your problems and wonder why i don't respond. who the fuck am i talking to. So don't give up on me We can all just pretend it's a dream That'll work itself out in the end

blank page looming. ink lays spattered. but it's not ink. it's too red. it's not even red. i lied. it's black. it's spilling. dancing and spattering FUCKING STAINING everything. i don't care. take the photographic evidence, do what you will. play? shut the fuck up i know what you're doing. creeper. this pressure has been building up BACKING UP this loaded gun. clean up your act so i can shoot you right back SHOOT you down, SHOOT you out this is so fucking hard to untangle. my alternate is becoming my reality. you feel wierd telling me? what the fuck why'd you do it in the first place? spill your seed, you definately earned it. SKETTTTCH it. yeah sketch me. draw me out, you know you want to you, you know you did. just stop telling me. because the circles my life's running in are fucking running me mad. but your hunger's calling, your fangs are growing and your lips are moistening. you're chewing in desparation and your apology has been forgotten. they say music soothes the savage beast, but you were never one go with the croweeeed. You are a dream among the sharks Beautiful and terrifying Living restless We dance in dark suspension

he's dead by the way. i saw that coming. and parkway drive. i knew it as soon as it started playing. blood running haywire and twirling NO dancing through your viens but it's yoursssss can't you feel it the air it's electirc i'm caving in on myself. haha it's so funny. last night just solidified it too. i don't really know how to interact. but it's okay. one on ones are good. danger's not far and you feel oh so safe as the sky salivates and it drools on your face hungry as sin wanting blood, ON THE PROWL there's a beast in them clouds. and your skin makes it growl it's thundering. and lightininging. fffffuck me. You're screaming at the cold I pull you close You're asking why It's so dark tonight I don't know why

WHAT THE FUCK!! please stop. i... i can't function on human affection. i swear i've been so deprived of it, i no longer want it. i hate human interaction. i hate it so much. unless it's purely physical. i can't do emotional interaction. can't. can. not. but i have two guys who keep talking about what they claim to feel for me. they say it alot too. everytime we talk actually. but... fuck me. i can't do it. i'm trying to remember my dream last night. it was so significant my teeth hurt from it. i never see words in my dreams. but last night i did. "who thought up this concept of time? - H---" i got a text with those words. and i can't remember the name on the screen. there were four letters. it started with H. and i feel like it was supposed to be God. my life keeps backtracking on itself. everything keeps... it keeps showing up again. it's foreshadowing itself. all the time. ammonia blood. hahaha what the hell? I've lost my watch, but I have my mind and while you're watching time go by I'd like to ask you how it feels to die

fuck ME i don't know what i was thinking. that kid was the biggest mistake. there were never any feelings for him. except for maybe disgust... must have been high. but i was completely sober about about how my physical mindframe completely takes over my emotional one. it's ridiculous how little i care. fuck me and leave. please. i don't want you. i just want to get with you and leave. never talk to me again. but i had a small epiphany this weekend. about how life is totally fucking with me. but... in the best way possible. i can't even think of the words that could explain how amazing everything is. everything is so interconnected. and there's always a reason behind every little thing. and it's so easy to read the signs if you just look for them. so i was watching this documentary on schitzophrenia. i pretty much agreed and identified with each of the people interviewed. i understood them. especially the most "messed up" one. he was... brilliant. i understand what you meant about the ribbons and the sun. i heard it too. i saw. i know. and i was thinking. no one can touch me. but who would want to? The city's a desert with photographic stars. Each pretty face is just a mirage, and my mouth's full of sand again

fuck why am i so nervous to do this? i shouldn't be. at all. i'm better than this. i need a drink. so very badly. thank God for my stash. haha i'm such an alcoholic... so. game plan: step one - drink a little bit. just to calm the nerves. step two - call him. step three - fucking do it. So put that smile back on my face and mix it strong my friend