im not going to apologize for last night. i meant ever single word i wrote and i won't take that back. on a lighter note, well not really, bestie cant come on vacation with me because of her sucky parents. rawr. sooo pissed right now. so im going by myself. i figure why not have some fun with it, like leave without notice you know? normally i tell people when i'm leaving, but why not just leave and not tell people. could be fun. seems like a small action, but in my circle of friends, could be quite big...we'll see. i dont know what i'm planning for this vacation really, i guess i'm hoping for adventure. i actually am going with our family friends, they have a son a little less than a year younger than me. hes way cool so it wont be terribly bad. it might actually be kinda fun. my neighbors!!! the new ones who moved in...at first all i knew is that they had an older son with an "afro", says my mom. then my mom was talking about them to my grandma (she wanted to know if they had any kids my age) and she goes well no, they have kids a few years older, like 2. i'm just screaming in my head "perfectttt!!!" obviously my mom knows nothing about me cuz i LOVE hangin out with kids older than me. so i really cant wait for school to start. whoo knows...maybe me and the boy could be great friends??? wishful thinking?? not unless i put my wishes into action ;] life may be looking up, hmmm we'll see. =] peace love WISH

i'm sick of crying. sick of people making me cry. sick of feeling sorry for myself. i'm done. i'm making a change. things are going to finally be different. -me

so yea bestie calls me at like 10, wakes me up lol, and asks if i wanna hang out. ummm hell yeah!! that girl has been like grounded this whole summer so far so i was SOOO excited. we had fun. really chill. thats why i like hanging with her and no one else cuz i dont have to do anything around her. i feel like with all my other friends, i have to entertain them. yeaaa we painted our nails outside. idk why but that is just sooooo fun. still haven't talked to r, im getting nervous, as you all probably already know. really really really really wanna go shopping today like NONE other...seriously its blowing my mind. i NEED tanks from hollister, they are just too cute for words, and i NEED jean shorts (only have 1 pair and they are dangerously tiny) and capris (right now i use besties cuz she lent them to me about 3 months ago and i never gave them back lol.) and it wouldnt hurt to get some jeans....maybe a bathing suit?? i think i have 14 at the moment but hey whats one more. oh and jewelry, and a purse. gawd this is horrible. bestie is prolly coming on vacation with my family and our family friends for the fourth, were leaving this saturday and coming back thursday!! =] should be way cute...OOH then 2 saturdays from now i'm goin to the panic/gym class/ academy is/plain white t's/hush sound concert. and i know yall can guess where thats gonna be. IM SOO EXCITED!!! ahhh this summer...needs to get a lot crazier ;] peace love CUTE

he signed on today =], r i mean, he signed on for about 10 minutes, first time this summer, and i've been dying to talk to him. dying to talk to him that i stay up until 2 waiting for him to 1. return from away or 2. sign on. he signed on today and i sat there. motionless. i sat there for ten minutes until i heard that awful door closed. he signed on and signed off 1o minutes later. im sure he would have stayed on had i talked to him. but i just sat there. now, i still sit here, but kicking myself for not getting the balls to talk to him. what the hell is my problem. how can i be this low in self confidence. it doesnt add up. it will never add up. there, my journal for the day peace love KICK

i've been reading other peoples journals lately and well their really depressing. like really. it makes me feel helpless just reading them. what can i do to help that person? i haven't found the answer. it's hard reading these sad sad thoughts and not being able to do anything. i want to reach out to them. tell them that its okay, that i'm there for them. tell them to hang on. but i don't know how, i don't even know if i can. on the contrary, these journals make me see myself. i realize now that i am generally a happy person. things may not be going right for me at the moment, but i truly believe that things will look up soon. anyways today i am goin to a baseball game with k and r. i dont know if that will be fun or not but i need to get out of my house, my mind, my thoughts, and have fun. haven't thought about r, the boy, at all, haven't talked to him either, makes me sad, but it doesnt hurt so much anymore. will i talk to him at all this summer? thats the part that scares me the most. peace love BASEBALL

me and k went to the pool today. superr fun. we just swam around i guess. lots of hott guys. i was surprised. k is soo funny. gawd i love that girl. she is prolly close to being my other best friend. but for now, she comes in second. sometimes she does stuff that i dont like. sometimes she says stuff that i dont like. but other than that, i love her. i was thinking about next year and how much of a change it will be (during school i mean.) i'm excited but super nervous all the same. i don't know what to expect. i just h0pe it will be a crazy ass ride. anyways that all for now peace love GOOD TIMES

last nights party sucked btw...not even gonna get into that lol but today was fun; me and k went out to eat today and we walked home, we stopped at this kid z's house, hes a year older but i dont know him and me being as shy as i am didnt really talk at all and hes like so what are u mute or something...i was like cracking up k's just like umm no shes just a little shy lol, and then hes like nice meeting u...awww what a sweetheart (dont worry, im not falling for him, besides hes shorter than me...thats a no no in my world ;]) the whole r thing, just thinking about it makes it seem more and more ridiculous, i still miss him tho =[ i havent seen him in 2 weeks and havn't talked to him in 2 weeks either...grrrr its making me sad. anywyas i just dont know. maybe thats my problem. i over think things to the point where i scare myself out of them. i just cant seem to find the confidence that i need. oh god i wish i could, but i just can't. maybe my hearts trying to tell me something, like that im not read. but i want to be ready. i want to want to be in a relationship. get what i mean? idk maybe i'm the only one...it just seems like i can never catch a break peace love IDK

surrounded by the sound of loud machines and everyone's got their problems and no one knows how to solve them and my chances here are few and far between living after nothing always chained to something take my weakness feel my heartbeat wake my soul and fill the space up i've been waiting and i hear you callin so clear this up for me make me feel make me real without you i can't see will you be my eyes and will you carry me oh i need to hear you speak to me cause i just need some clarity

r...well he put hey there delilah in his profile, the "a thousand miles seems pretty far, but they've got planes and trains and cars..." part, but left out delilah.....AWWWWW way too cute, makes me even more confused peace love DELILAH

tonight, it was weird, but all i could think about was going home and talking to r (the boy who likes me.) it was almost like anxiety maybe? i just was thinking how i haven't talked to him in a while and i really really wanted to talk with him. but the weird thing; we've never taken our relationship (if that) anywhere but online. im just super shy, and him being 2 yrs older and me having 0 experience with boys, and lack of self confidence doesnt help the situation. bestie told me he wants to see me soon cuz he misses hanging out with me (which we never did in the first place but wutevs. ) im scared (cuz im so shyyyy its deathly) the problem is i told myself i didnt like him, and i was damn sure of it. but finding myself tonight wanting to talk with him...a bit strange wouldnt you agree?? am i falling for r? or is it just a friends type of thing im sooo confused, i have no perception of this at all seeing as i might as well eliminate boys from my life completely due to LACK OF EXPERIENCE. and i have like no self confidence. even though i know im a nice girl and (not trying to be conceited but rather helpful to my low self esteem) pretty and i shouldnt be nervous or anything, i just have this mindset that tells me i should be nervous. gawddd if i like r, how could i even begin to build a freaking relationship with him when i have all of these problems of my own???? rawr peace love CONFUSION