"i am put at ease somewhat by the inevitablity of strange and dark days. not light but the opposite, it is inevitable. this hotel room overlooks a city that i do not understand when usually i am overlooking cities that do not understand me. i dont have any "start over" left inside of me. i wish anyone would understand. all roads lead to longing. the neon signs never turn off here. there are oceans inside of me." - peter wentz i want to be able to love again.

i asked to not feel. i can't feel. freezing showers in freezing weather. i hate it when the bus comes early. they close at midnight. last call.

i want a new greatest achievement. the one i got was defective. faulty reasoning.

my right hand with a cold death grip on the wrist on my left hand. this isn't simply another battle. i pretend the dead have returned so i don't become frightened. how long can books, movies, and music sustain a person? how long can thoughts about valour, honesty, hope, and love sustain their spirits? how long till they want the real thing? dreams are like the true or false section of any test. never a pattern, unless we're being taught by a fool. and trust me. whoever is teaching us is not a fool. my highest achievement turned into my greatest shame. just some field work, according to the teacher. they all want a piece of me. this is like the house party gone out of control. i invited this. and it invited more. i wish i had either the strength to give up, or the strength to keep going. and the courage to follow through. this is just asking too much. this is war.

it's funny how it feels like your insides cave in as you step into the safety of your room. after being told by the outside that your insides are supposed to stay in. don't get mad. be patient. i'm flammable in all the wrong ways. no, really. it makes me laugh. i open my my bedroom door, step in, and close the door behind me. everything collapses and i feel like a fraud. they're not even under-eye circles anymore. they're bruises that shine in the light. the warden calls. fuck you.

ahahaha. Glass Hammer, Fallen Leaves.. Just to lengthen the chain of people. I got the quiz from WishingForYou. Oh and I was just browing Fall Out Boy interviews on youtube.. Pete: "Someone told me that June 6th was National Beat Up an Emo kid Day in England; is that true?" Female interviewer: "Really? Is that as you were being beaten to the ground?" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JxOAtUjUjg laughter to begin with and laughter to end with. ahahaha.

demimondaine. your entry reminded me of this song by everclear. 'I just don't understand how You can smile with all those tears in your eyes When you tell me everything is wonderful now' and then this other song by savage garden. 'Is love really the tragedy the way you might describe or would a thousand lovers still leave you cold inside? Make you cry... these tears of pearls' i don't have much of an opinion on crying. i like to make people who are crying laugh. i don't cry in front of people. i'm going to lie and say. i don't cry.

happy ending./beginning? snowday. good thing too, i went to sleep at like 4AM last night. nobody to talk to. but don't they have pills for that? ahaha. even if it was winter vacation. there would be two outcomes; i stay at home all the time and isolate myself. or option two, i just wander around my city alone. it's not that i can't make friends. i have much too many friends for my liking. though nobody i'd like to be around for more than an hour. but don't they have pills for that? ahaha. really. if you get good enough, they'll be like trading cards. 'trading friends for trips to the coast' if i could, i would. i'm nicer to a person i've just met, than i am to a friend i've known for a couple of years. but a new person is only new for a day. after that, they fall into your dreary schedule. i hate routine. but don't they have pills for that? ahaha.

my fingertips are tingling. my nerves were shot and i was tired. i downed a cup of strong coffee because usually it takes two or three cups to actually take effect. my nerves went crazy and i couldn't sit still. caffeine increases anxiety symptoms. no joke. don't try this at home. you'll be shaking like hell. but hey, i got my science essay on the smoke detector finished. 1040 words. he said 500 would be good. i worked quite a while on it. i'm not proud. i'm just relieved. there might be a snow day tomorrow. we're expecting 30-40 cm of snow by tomorrow afternoon. i'm pretty excited. though right now it's freezing rain outside. or 'ice pellets' as the weather network site calls it. here's to hoping. here's to growing up. here's to adolescent idiocy. i hope you become an alcoholic. motherfucker.

just keep you mouth shut. keep your guard up. i swear i'll make it right. ahahaha. who needs drugs? all you need is hysteria. hahaha. I am a sinner I am a savior I am a lie 'Well maybe I've just realised I need to grow up a little and get those stupid childhood notions of love and 'ever after' out of my head!' I practically yelled, brandishing a bag of coffee beans. 'So that's the Starbucks secret!' A voice made me jump. 'You make the barista angry and they hand crush the beans.' http://www.quizilla.com/users/...whatsername.../quizzes/~~We'll%20make%20them%20so%20jealous%20~~%5BPeter%20Wentz%5D~~%201/ you have no idea how hard that made me laugh. ahaha. man, maybe i do need to get out more. ahahahaha.