[Thursday 13th August] 12:24am Just felt like coming on and pouring out a bit of myself tonight, my mind still feels like a rollercoaster, going up n down, altho these past two or three weeks or so, ive been on an up. It's funny what a haircut and a bit of positive thinking can do to your self esteem (and i think i lost a bit of weight from all the stress and how busy I got with all that has just been happening recently..) anyways life is good, sorta, for now, i mean life will never be the same again, but this is ok for now. A turn in confidence and attitude on life has opened up such a whole new perspective.. people are alot more approachable now and im kind of seeing what kind of person i looked like before, always on the down side, trying to strive for happiness, when really happiness is just there, you just gotta take it.. drowning in self pity and attacking your shortcomings cant really lead to good, although for a time you can make yourself think that this is what you need. life is funny. anyways yeah connecting with people is alot easier these days with a positive attitude, and ive grown much closer to friends thanks to it. Still much more growth ahead and things to learn and no doubt with ups must come downs, so ill enjoy it for now.. and try curb the next down when it comes :) Everyday i try to remember to thank mum for everything she has done and send her the message that i miss and love her and will never forget her, its hard at times not to dwell, but a little here n there everyday is good for the soul i think. This past month has felt like a year, i dont know if its because i find it hard to remember what ive done this past month or that just living without mum makes the day that much longer, a huge part of life is missing and each day i feel it, dramatic much huh? But besides all that i was just thinking about how we have our different roles to play in life, not just the one, yourself. I play the 'enthusiastic and interested but lacking discipline student', big muck around brother, son, grandson, cousin, nephew, elder responsible brother, drifter, crazy lol friend, quiet time friend, acquaintance and last but not least 'the hidden crush'. I wonder what different roles ill have in the future, or what same roles ill have.. As with the last role, its hard even for myself to know truly what my situation is, i guess ive pushed myself more into the 'just close friend' side and tried to hide all instances of any affection as much as possible, but all that has felt like it has just drawn her even more, that saying 'if you want someone to notice you then ignore them' is pretty true i guess, people want what they cannot have. Atleast recently my daydreams haven't been completely associated with that, but there are times where you cant help, and you want do to more but ofcourse you cant, shes gotten alot more physical lately ever since ive felt my self change a bit, and i know its probably just us getting closer as friends but sometimes i dont know, i think i really should act on some of it because maybe she may feel the same way too.. She's been resting on me more often and she loves her handshakes, too much though its getting a bit weird lol, but what kinda got me, was when she started rubbing water on me to 'cool' me down because apparently i looked like i was hot.. no doubt i was surprised when she did it, but just made me even more confused. Another time when i had just shaved, she goes and feels that smoothness on the side of your cheek, almost caressing it, but not really. So yeah a few mixed signals such as that has been occurring more n more often lately ever since i have felt like im taking a step in a new direction, but with all this new closeness, where will it stop, i mean will i find myself one day at that point where ive gotta either say yes or no, it feels like it might get there if we end up alone somewhere.. but then you've gotta put things back into perspective, which is that she is pretty friendly and has a couple of guy friends, most likely because she tends to flirt a bit. So its hard to think if i am being lead on or not.. or just looking in too deep as per usual, anyways thats the update on that. Let see random things in the past few weeks: - past two days been on a high, just over the top happy and mucking around alot, started like halfway thru tuesday and continued into the night with amanda and sherman, esp after the macro lecture, went pretty high in the bus and we all bonded i guess you could say. that continued on into wednesday, random instances of highness like walking backwards while someone guides and just being a bit spontaneous crazy. - gave amanda some movies, music and games in her hd, she gave it to me for a week, so filled up about 100gb worth. oh and there were random lightning flashes during the macro lecture. - infs2607 lab today was horrible, not enough equipment for each group which overall caused a bit of chaos and people having to combine groups, all in all we didnt get much done but got compensated but still i want the experience so considering attending next weeks lab to do it again properly. - today wednesday there was some work being done on the water main on our street so when i woke up around 9:40, there was no water, just great, so had to go toilet and get ready for uni with lack of proper running water... man we take running water for granted - mum's prayer for a month was tonight and it was nice, just close family and a nice dinner. - havent been able to eat properly on uni days, schedule is so busy that i usually miss breakfast which i know i shld be able to atleast get coz i leave so late, and end up having late lunch and a huge dinner when i get home all starving, damn thats not good. also the fact that i probably havent gone to gym for nearly a month now... running on adrenaline.. - been taking medicine for colds and coughs, seems to have helped as most of it has gone anyways getting tired now and its nearly 1:30 so i think ill go sleep =) songofthemoment the getawayplan - where the city meets the sea

[Tuesday 11th August] 3:47pm It's been just under a month since mum's passing and it feels like the time inbetween has gone so fast and so long at the same time.. every day has been alot less 'surreal' for lack of a better word/phrase. It definitely is a whole different world without mum, but that's life, just gotta keep moving on. Back into the uni routine, manage to fit it all in two days, tuesday n wednesday, 12-8pm, awesome but tiring i guess. Life is a bit brighter i guess you could say now, not just because winter is nearly over, everything at home is good, everything at uni is good, everything just seems to be alrite atm.. anyways i shld really get back to this macro discussion question, maybe journal some more later.. haha like that will happen, me n my empty promises >< gotta make less of em (how ironic another one ha ha) kk work time song of the moment motion city soundtrack - feel like rain

[Monday 27th July] 3:06pm Its been 2 weeks since, and the longest 2 weeks of my life. Every second of every day I am missing you mum, it is so hard getting through each and every day without you here. At times everything seems fine and the day is able to go on as usual, but then at times it is as if it is all happening again, I don't know how life is meant to continue without you mum. I just want my mum that I can hug and talk to, I would trade everything in this world just for one more day with you. You were supposed to be there to see your grandchildren and we were going to grow older and older until you were maybe somewhere in the 80s or 100s, but not like this, 41 is too young an age, it is too cruel an age... I pray wherever you are, you are happy and well. Always Loving You Mum. songofthemoment el debarge - time will reveal

[Monday 13th July] 12:01 pm Rest In Paradise Mum, I love you so much.

[Tuesday 30th June] 2:28am quick blog on last night: firstly tonight (monday night), was bens surprise birthday/welcome back dinner at pancakes at the rocks, food was great, good to see old friends again.. we got the card before getting there, and ended up meeting a few ppl on the way.. overall it was a good night, although for some unknown reason it feels like im drifting from my old very good friend, u could probly even say best friend from long ago.. it really sucks when u drift away from old friends, but it hurts the most when things are not the same with best friends.. and most of all, i dont know why? its as if ive done something, but i have no idea what.. is it just the fact that we have drifted long enough, that it has somehow turned us back into old acquaintances.. its as if his going out of his way to keep us at a distance.. hmm i dunno.. i hope things work out in this situation.. because it would really suck if i do lose my old best friend.. 3 week update: so its 3 weeks since my last post, since then its just mainly been exams and all nighter cram sessions, with the occasional trip to uni to get some work done. there have been some ups n downs, some being spending time with friends, having a nice lunch and movie, dinner with old friends (like tonight or i really shld say last night, few hours ago) and some just getting an unexpected decent mark back, and finally the end of exams last thursday.. that following friday after, i had a fun tennis session in the morning with sherman, followed by a decent lunch on anzac parade at some asian restaurant with a good 9 dollar special, lunch + bubble tea, serving was very good considering the price.. i was a bit of a slackass tho for consistently keeping her waiting in the city, which i think she mustve got a bit annoyed or upset, or maybe she didnt care at all because im not worth it. i eventually ended up meeting up with her and her friend at imax, she seemed to not care that i delayed so long, but girls can be good at hiding what they truly think and feel.. we went down to starcity and just walked arnd the place after i dropped off my bag at the cloak room, had a frangelico upstairs at the 36' bar, even tho it was completely empty, we just stayed up there for some time, they both looked a bit bored, and it was just a bit awkward for a bit with just myself with the drink.. she didnt even want to really taste it.. so that says alot from a few months ago... maybe were starting to drift? or i missed something that was there before? i dont know.. but one thing for sure is she is losing interest in me, all that was made certain with the 'who cares' goodbye, she didnt even bother to say goodbye, she was too busy going to her own train and just told me to go off first... cold huh? i just shook my head inside and left.. one too many, i can only let myself believe this fantasy for so long, before it all crumbles down into nothing.. she mustve realised what she did minutes later, because while on the train home she called and said how glad she was i could come and her friend had an 'awesome' time.. it didnt feel real, and i dont think it was.. it felt cold.. if anything =/ and so at that point was the first time that i actually felt like wow this person is actually not for me, she is something else, the illusion i had been dangling infront of my eyes all this time just broke.. and finally i could see myself.. a fool.. a fool in love but nevertheless a fool.. and just like a fool, days later now, for some unknown reason, i feel slightly attracted to her again, and just slightly the feelings are surfacing a tiny bit.. but not to the extent as before atleast.. so i guess u could say diminishing returns.. everytime it gets less n less, until it becomes no more.. an endless cycle? maybe.. i can sorta see it ending tho.. but do i want that? songofthemoment sia - breathe me (instrumental)

[Tuesday 9th June] 10:43pm Quoted from Silhouette_x: "bloodshot eyes with a vacant stare to match. Split-ends, messed-up hair, stained and tattered clothes and a down-turned smile. This is what I look like now and I can't face the mirror. My speech is slow, my reactions to the outside world are sluggish and sometimes I close my eyes for longer than a blink should last, just in hopes that something will change. I barely recognize myself and when I do, I don't like what I see. The world seems to be changing and people seem to be living they're lives faster than I'm living mine. It feels as though I'm stuck in time, stuck in a moment that I don't want to be in, and it's just going to continue forever. Nothing will change; this is how it's always going to be. I guess I'm just sad, but nothing seems worth it and sometimes I wish I could drift through nothingness until I feel better." wow this is somewhat close to how life is right now for me too i spose.. i guess i tend to just cover it up with a smile and a laugh around others.. or actually fool myself into smiling and laughing is a better explanation Also from Silhouette_x: "I just want to apologize to myself for ruining my life, my family for letting them down, and my friends for not treating them how I should. Everyone would be so much better off if I just got out of their lives, or they wouldn't care because I'm not sure if I matter to most people anyway." i guess a majority of this i feel the same way, my family in some ways, however i am content if not grateful for my family, i think out of all things i have that is something i have atleast done right.. but yeah the last line is coldly true.. the nights these days are literally getting colder, and so are the days.. its winter alrite.. stuvac now.. meant to be studying but all i can do these days is find something to do to distract myself from the harsh crappy life im living.. nothing seems to be right, except family.. i guess others have it worse than i in respect to that.. atleast i have music to dwell on and listen to endlessly.. she told me she was over the guy she was sweet on.. and i guess i myself am starting to get over as well.. i dont know if i want to, because im starting to miss that feeling, even if thats all it will ever amount to.. atleast its something to wake up to, to go to sleep to.. to live life to.. =/ till next time.. songofthemoment ingrid michaelson - december baby (heh just started listenin to it when i started this entry and its growin, but the artist is relaxing)

wednesday 3rd june 2:47am well its finally winter, it was already starting to get cold last month, some nights are freezing others are bearable i guess i could say the same abt my... crush... god i hate that word.. it feels so immature and something u do only in highschool, no this is more like a really good friendship that feels like something more.. heh how sad does this sound, ill probly regret writing all these things in the future. good news i guess u could say is that all my assessments are over, just one left but its pretty much done, demo n all, just report to finish up. got micro result back, 17/20. im happy with that, something decent atleast this sem. in other news im still pretty much in the same situation, i guess im just winning a bit more each day.. still though, not a day has passed without thinking abt her atleast once or twice.. but its definitely less.. still dont know if i shld throw it away for my own good, it was funny i was watching this youtube vid abt "are you the sideline guy?" heh and yeah it made me think, im not even the sideline guy, just...a guy.. and its true, i have been losing a bit of my self respect along the way without even knowing, def been taken adv of, things i wouldnt normally do if it was anyone else, and sometimes it feels like she is doing all this on purpose? i dunno, maybe im just thinking abt it too much again, i mean i probly dont even register long enough to be a thought to her, i dunno, life is confusing, she keeps saying im a good friend n all, but saying it just makes it sound more forced? but i do think she means it when she says it, although then again i dunno there are definitely the good times, and the ok times. but the more i pick at it, the more i realise how much i shld stop pursuing this, there was obv nothing from the start, its just the way in which she does things i guess... it seemed to have work.. on a random note, my left earphone seems to have died :( going to have to find some new decent earphones or put up with just mono right earphone for now.. today on the bus though when she tilted her head back and just ler hair relax back, she looked so cute..i just wanted to face her and smile while looking deep into her eyes.. and just enjoy that moment.. but thats not the person she thinks i am.. ive gotta keep playing this "big brother" and "lil sister" role that i stupidly concocted to show her in some way i care.. which she reciprocated.. i hope this hasnt though led her off the track and she probly thinks now that i dont feel that way abt her..ever since it has gotten less.. i guess u could say intimate and more just for laughs and fun.. which i dont mind i guess because ultimately its the laughs and fun that make it interesting.. but just once or twice.. id like to share a moment with her.. one u dont forget.. =) now its just whether risking everything for that one chance is worth it.. i dont know.. but the longer i wait.. songofthemoment yiruma - memories in my eyes

[sunday 24th may] 5:03pm wow the previous post was so intense i remember, it was such a spontaneous outburst of emotion heh.. well at the time thats what life felt like i guess.. now its alot more toned down, more mellow and free, even though i have so much work to do, and stress is coming with exams and presentations and assignments due within 48hrs, or atleast the last two are.. i can finally say that im getting over the "hill", that period where it starts to feel more n more mutual and u can let go of more n more of that attachment that u create. its funny how ur mood can change so rapidly from day to day, maybe im just too distracted atm too be consumed by it like i normally have been. or maybe it is actually dissolving. i dont know which, but whatever it is im sort of happy for it, so now i can think clearer and focus on other things. its true what they say, time fixes and heals almost everything, you just gotta give it time. maybe now my posts can go back to being 'daily recounts' instead of these 'train of thoughts', or maybe a mixture of the two.. not much happening the past few weeks, i was sick for half of it last week, and the other night i can rem which, i think it was a friday, i spent half the night arnd in the city in the pouring rain helping her find her friend then her missing bus then took a train halfway home. its the little things that count. my weekend has been pretty much work work work, two assignments and a presentation and an exam for later in the week ahead.. fun fun. songofthemoment jason harwell - somewhere the sun "I'm making plans to get back on my feet Don't want to be afraid no more If I can make it right down to the street It's all right"

[wednesday 20th may] 3:20am (approx) but i dont know what it is about her, theres something special there u just cant explain.. and im afraid that ill do something stupid sooner or later if i havent already.. i know i shldnt have come back here, because all it does is really feed it >< it goes up n down to be honest tho, but that was just my weak attempts at trying to resist it, to suppress it, because i know its not good for me.. i cant think clearly anymore these days.. and i dont know why its so hard to let go.. i mean i honestly dont even know her that well enough i think that would register such emotions =/ she is a good friend to me, and i hope i dont do anything to ruin that by putting my feelings first.. but then u would just wonder ur whole life, that u let that something go.. i dont know anymore.. anyways this isnt really meant to be here, i shld really fill in what has happened inbetween the long posts.. but not now, i just know i only came on here to say this, get it out someway or another.. *end impulsive train of thought* heh songofthemoment keri hilson/ne-yo/kanye west - knock you down "sometimes love comes around and it knocks you down just get back up when it knocks you down"

[saturday 9th may] 2:48am wow its been a whole month, time flies.. been so busy lately.. i hope i get some time tmr or this weekend to do a whole monthly update, but atm the weekend is looking pretty busy ,with tow family outings (dinners) and a 21st bday part tmr night...eep and also gotta cram some study for maple and do some project work >< ah life is catching up on me.. its been so busy that even a few priorities have been swapped around, if u know what i mean..altho really i could never take that out of first priority..nothing is that important or special..and i hope nothing ever does.. songofthemoment israel - do it again "cant seem to let you go, cant seem to let you go, baby coz i love you so, do it again do it again" =/