[thursday 9th april] 11:58pm this week was no different from any other week... it wasnt life changing, well maybe a lil, but it was definitely not dull.. im a bit too tired atm to do a proper long post so ill just summarize what i can remember and maybe come back to expand on it later.. maybe monday got back maths test, the one i didnt do so well.. infs lab we sussed out all the q's we had over the weekend and also tried to answer some q's as a grp.. altho we ended up mucking around more than working =) mostly on what our product should be, varied from lingerie, jess's idea, to portable toilets, sherman's idea.. and i think we ended up on stationery and office equipment, coz amanda was gettin a bit annoyed at us.. being immature and having fun n all.. i guess lecture after was pretty boring so we didnt really pay attention.. instead we played the "cross" game.. sherman owned me. we taught jess, she got the hang of it and won i think like 3 out of 3.. i remember the last thing she said that day was "bye alvein" twice =) micro lect was ok, not as great as the usual.. sherman was fallin asleep.. tuesday micro tute was average.. i made a fool of myself by trying to answer a q with a totally wrong answer, i said something like price floor, where the topic was no where near price floors.. yeah felt stupid for awhile afterwards.. but hey atleast i tried lol saw jz briefly after.. no squash today since we were meant to study for infs.. which we ended up doing only like 10 mins of in the hour we had.. oh! and bumped into milky.. good ol milky.. might be seeing him next sem in infs2603.. jess came a bit later with dean.. he was his usual clingy self arnd jess, just tried to ignore it.. sherman told me something later that was intersting tho.. while dean was trying to get his arms around her waist, apparently jess pushed him away.. i guess she did mean it when she doesnt like it when he makes her feel uncomfortable.. but i wonder why he doesnt get the hint.. or maybe he doesnt want to.. like me.. oh well, its hard not showing it, but thats the way life goes.. so we studied briefly after some youtubing.. then the actual infs lecture.. was pretty boring.. that dodgy guy, apparently his name is dave.. came late as usual.. and course sat next to jess.. his intentions are pretty clear.. well he sorta made us join him for the grp project.. then the guy next to me asked to join.. couldnt say no.. so felt bad after coz we sorta ditched on the other girl who we wanted in our grp and i think she sorta expected us to ask her.. oh wells.. theres a reason for all this.. might just not know it yet.. there was one presentation.. the dodgy guy was being a jerk and laughing at the guys accent just coz it was fob n all.. and the guy presenting could see it.. was pretty slack.. for the test we had to split up, so jess went to one corner while i was stuck with dave. overall i reckon it was alrite.. some good q's some tricky ones.. had enough time to check over.. after the lecture we asked if it was allowed that the other girl.. i think her name is ebany? if she could join us, but that would make our grp have 5 ppl which is more than is allowed.. so dont know what will happen with her now =/ i actually cant rem much what happened after, oh right i think melissa came half during our lect to talk to jess, and that we met up with her after or she was meeting her in the city or somethin.. bah i dont know.. i shldve really blogged abt it on the day.. haha backtrack oh wait now i remember.. we finished early because of the test so we went to bum at marsh room till 6 before we met up with mel.. here is where jess said the most beautiful thing to me, the most beautfiul thing anyone has ever said to me, earlier she told me she was going to tell me a nice story.. a nice mushy story.. soo as we were walking down unsw walkway.. with the sun just going down.. she tells me her nice mushy sweet story.. that just melts my heart and i guess at the same time sends me into a deeper affection (and a bit of unwanted confusion). she tells me of a story abt her long time crush on jason, yep ive heard that many times before.. but this time she tells me the whole story.. how she tried to see him, get into the same class as him, and so forth.. but she didnt and ended up taking a class that i was in.. which she was grateful for because if she didnt she wouldve never met me or sherman, and might be at this moment miserable clutching onto a hopeless crush with no one to enjoy uni with.. the part where she talks abt how she is really grateful for having me to talk to and just be with, i was so warm and fuzzy inside.. i just put my arm around her for a brief moment.. and told her how much of a sweetheart she was and how she is such a good friend to me as well and ofcourse how the story was mushy and nice.. i couldnt say all the things i would have wanted to say, for obvious reasons.. but i tried to stay the good friend without the crush coming out.. im good at that.. i can keep things inside and no one would suspect.. but the toll is inside im dying, im fighting this never ending battle of love vs friendship.. right now i value her friendship over anything else.. even my hearts wishes.. its a tough choice but one i am sticking too right now.. so yeah that was her cute nice mushy warm story.. that was one of the best moments of my life.. and will always be.. anyways so we were heading to marsh room to "jam", more like muck around for an hr in a room with mirrors and a piano and walls.. well we both had a really good time.. practicing handstands (which left two marks on the walls of marsh room haha), bit of piano, and then she showed me some six step.. or four step as she calls it since thats as far as she has gotten heh.. felt on top of the world in that room.. but i know it can never be.. so ima just enjoy the moment =) =*( well we had too much fun that we realised it was nearly 6 and so left to meet up with mel.. on the way met up with a highschool friend of hers, mark, seemed like a cool guy, and apparently shes talked to him abt me.. but only as a friend im guessin.. otherwise she wouldnt have said that to him when we were introduced.. anyways met up with mel then bused it to townhall and trained it home.. they were both havin their lollypops.. while we talked abt random stuff like neopets and random shops on oxford st and kingscross.. lol i dunno, we talked random stuff. wednesday wednesday was one hell of a day.. i really shld dedicate a whole post to this day.. its sorta significant.. a few things happened that day.. i think ima stop here for this post and continue it later.. but before ill summarize (yeah i guess i sorta did a long post anyways for the above.. sheesh) bumped into johnson and pf on the bus.. was a tiny bit late for maths.. which was good that happened coz i then bumped into jess walking thru quad to clb.. =) she ran to catch up to me, all smiling =) decided to meet up after at qlab maths was *yawn* sat next to some white dude, who asked abt where to pick up the sydney daily telegraph at uni.. went quad lab. bumped into jason.. rang up sherman.. he came abt 15 mins later to quad lab 6.. we stayed there only for a few mins before leaving for asb.. all the rooms were taken or locked so we studied on 4th level.. nice view.. pretty good study place.. told sherman johnson was at uni tennising, so he called him up to meet up for tennis later.. we watched a bit of family guy after some micro study.. txted jess the new place we were gonna be at, at courts the back ones.. we went arnd 3:35 to courts.. no one was there when we arrived, so sherman rang.. they were at roundhouse, probly pooling.. when they got here, the twins arrived first.. then the rest.. even some new guys never seen before.. we tennisd for like 5 mins before jess came.. i got hit by a random sherman ball just before i left haha, probly on purpose, damn u shermy lol..then we left for marsh room.. when we got there there was a bunch of guys on the couch, which sorta freaked her out a bit.. she didnt want to go in while there was so many ppl watching.. so we sat outside for a bit just laughing and talking abt what are we doin outside here.. she got changed then eventually went in to take class when they were all gone.. shes getting better. she can now sort of lift herself on the ground. a semi turtle.. and knows the steps to six step.. randomly thruout she looked and we just smiled... then laughed, she makes all the worries of the world just disappear when she smiles.. it really is something.. hmm damn its nearly 1.. gotta wake up early for tennis tmr at uni.. yay good friday.. easter break time *yawn* so tired.. songofthemoment rilo kiley - portions for foxes

[sunday 5th april] 11:51pm (decided maybe i shld start putting date n time coz songmeanings time is not my local time and there isnt any time zone option..yet) well how was this week..if i said "the usual" that would be about half correct..for the most of it things went normal.. but what is normal? every week is different from the other in some way be it big or small.. this week i guess i would have to say was a "transitional" week in that maybe, just maybe things are starting to change up there in my head..for better or worse i dont know.. all i do know is things are less intense.. maybe even more distant.. workload is getting better, fitness is so so.. and well feelings.. it does feel a bit empty to be thinking abt it less n less.. overall this week feels like the in-between of a slump and a high (couldnt rem the proper opposite for the word slump). i think i left off last time on tuesday, which was a rainy cold day.. the day where my mind got the best of me and i was pretty much a bit emo near the end of the day, soo pathetic i know. anyways the next day was wed.. a totally diff day.. weather was good, and that sorta reflected how i was that day.. had gym that mornin and trained straight from revesby to uni.. maths lect was ok.. bumped into nari again.. or more like the other way arnd.. after went to get the paper and as i got out saw jess n dean on their way to clb.. they didnt see me she looked half in a rush/ half worried (could be from how i was yesterday, i dunno) anyways i knew she would be lookin for me after my lect which i realised now was a bit early so yeah she would just have to wait till later.. coz i didnt really have anything to say then.. so quad lab 6.. did some work, checked stocks, did micro self test.. checked if sherman was at uni, which he was, again in asb 223. so asked if he wanted a pearl milk tea since i was gonna myself a taro.. got them and went to asb.. forced him to take the drink free of charge, my shout, ofcourse he insisted to pay, just left the coins somewhere where he could find it.. we then just worked on the project.. sussed out the specs and analysed the code.. his good at that, explaining things.. got this thing abt it that makes it easy.. anyways yeah michelle came by later, but left coz she had to do some charity thing, jelly store or something, i think its the relay for life thing.. anyways.. jess course didnt find me at quad 6, so smsd her new location.. she came sometime before 4.. tho we were still working on project.. she seemed a bit bored, just reading and sitting arnd.. anyways yeah so we left arnd 4 for marsh room.. she was already changed in her tracksuit ready to take class, this week she was gonna actually do it.. haha. she thinks i laugh and make fun of her everytime she tries just to tease her.. little does she know its the opposite.. but the way she looks when she laughs or smiles is just.. words cant describe it... bliss? so the highlight of my day, my week really, is that 1 hr i spend with her on wednesdays.. this time like i said she was taking class.. she seemd a bit shy at first to go, but she eventually got up and went and took class. she leant me her textbook so i could study.. which was soo boring.. project management.. i would rather just watch her the whole time but that would just be a bit much n awkward.. so i read most of the time and just looked up from time to time when she tried something.. usually it would be when she just tried a step or two and we'd both just look at each other and smile then laugh.. =) abt 20 mins to the end of class i went out for a walk around roundhouse.. quickly went to the toilet and checked out the rooms.. there this empty room nearby that seems like its hardly used.. might be able to use for practice or something.. maybe even to just relax.. i think u have to book it tho but im sure u can just use it when its not in use. came back and she was just finishing.. so we collected our stuff and went to the bus stops.. she had to leave earlyish to meet a friend in wynyard.. so i caught the central bus, she went on the other.. made plans to meet on fri the rest of that day is a blurr. thursday gymed then went home had lunch then went uni.. first was maths tute, the cute chick i think was sittin at the back.. maybe one day ill sit next to her and just say hi.. but not too interested atm.. so went to the front.. moments later some dude comes and sits.. had a different look abt him.. something strange.. and my assumptions were confirmed seconds later.. he introduced himself with a gangsterish "supp" i just lold inside and returned his greeting with a "hey, whats up".. anyways his name was louis.. asian dude, im thinking chinese vietnamese.. but with a clear english speaking accent, that alternates between normal american and straight up ghetto talk on the high pitched side.. so for example it would go something like this.. ghetto: sup me: hey whats up nothin much normal: im louis me: alvien normal: u first year? me: nah second, u? normal: im first year, where u from man me: lidcombe *he looks at me funny* me: did u mean like nash? or like location ghetto: nah man like u from here.. me: yeh i am ghetto: oh thats cool thats cool me: where u from? ghetto: wessst siiide YeaH me: oO ghetto: nah man south siide me: oh u from the US? ghetto: yehh, south siiide, Tennessee man me: cool, how long u been here normal: uhm abt 3 years, yeah my parents moved over me: awesome, so u really from america? (haha i know stupid ey, but not every day u meet an american) ghetto: yeh man, you play basketball.. basskettballl me: no ghetto: u shld man its goood (oh yeah he had a basketball) so yeah that was interesting.. the fact that he was sometimes speaking like a high pitched black dude was a bit weird.. but i guess it was better than the boring same old.. and he'd say random stuff like "hows are you" "hows the weather" whenever i asked him something during class... i dont know what was up with that..anyways some other dude sat on our row a bit later too.. and he did the whole routine with him too.. so atleast he wasnt just doing it to me.. i honestly though he was joking and playing arnd.. met him again on saturday.. and he did the same routine (well not routine but yeah the way he carries himself).. i think his been watching to many american ghetto/urban movies.. lol or maybe he really is like that.. i dunno..was just something interesting i thought i shld add.. damn this one is a long one.. anyways so after was micro tute.. teacher made us all late again.. but luckily its only micro lect and its like downstairs.. lecture was ok.. funny but still avg.. so sherman showed me this new game on paper. sorta like noughts n crosses cept u play in a 4 x 4 grid and the aim is to make the other player put the last x.. and u can put either an x, x x or x x x in a line each turn.. in the end we played abt 10 games on paper and it came down to the finals.. it was a draw.. to be continued at a later date.. after we went to quad lab 6.. met up with michelle and also bumped into danny/alex? im pretty sure it was danny.. anyways the story behind that they are identical twins.. and they have this game to confuse the new guy.. which was me at the time.. so yeah it for me for a bit but i think i know who it is now.. that took a good 20 or so mins.. where sherman and michelle was laughing their heads off while i tried to guess.. eventually got the answer by asking michelle and watching her face expressions.. haha.. but still.. nearly got confused again.. then checked stocks.. and we quickly mucked arnd and bought 1 of each from random shares.. shermans sneaky plan worked on me coz i forgot abt brokerage so made like a $200 loss and didnt realise till the next time i checked.. oh well.. then trained it to revesby and had dinner with family.. it was pouring when i got to the station so i had to call to get picked up.. dropped my stuff down.. incl my mobile.. and got some food to eat.. later realised i got a missed call from jess arnd 7:34.. like only 20 mins after i took off my stuff.. when i got home i went msn to see the msg.. it was abt friday what was happening..it was too late to call.. but i did anyway.. no one picked up so just smsd.. on the way to uni the next day got sms saying sherman is coming today, which he wasnt, which was confusing coz we confirmed last night he wasnt coming.. so smsd back with the new arrangements.. had early lecture.. during got another sms.. so just told her she could stay home and study.. but she was already at uni.. after went quad lab.. she was there. that day was spent on gettin maths tests to work for maple.. couldnt log in to mapleta, which was a bit frustrating.. sent emails to get help.. thankfully it fixed it.. got in and did some .. meanwhile she did some management hw i think or acct.. something else basically.. altho that whole day i spent on the maths tests.. didnt get much infs done.. told her she should just work on the ERD.. so she made one.. thankfully melissa was coming to meet her after her classes.. she came some time after 2 i think.. altho she couldnt help at quad coz all her stuff was on her maths acct >< so we had to rush down to the maths labs.. went to the underground one.. the maths lab was successful her stuff helped me so much and managed to ace all the tests..we even helped a friend i met in maths tute ace all his.. and some guys down our row ace all theirs.. when we first got their they looked like they needed alot of help.. which we gave later which was funny coz the dude was just guessin the test each attempt... and hoping for 100% since u could take it unlimited times.. anyways bumped into yosha there.. he tagged along after with us to quad lab.. felt a bit awkward with him there.. not that i didnt want him there.. he was like me.. tho he was also like my cousin.. talks a bit much sometimes.. and talks abt stuff i dont really talk abt with jess.. so yeah he said a few things that were strange to her i think.. i felt so bad.. but i didnt wanna say anything and tell him to go.. thats even worse.. well she seemed to laugh a bit.. whether it was genuine or not i dont know.. we were pretty much finished and i couldnt concentrate on infs anymore, let alone her ERD.. so we called it a day and did quick neopets and then left the lab.. course with yosha there i couldnt really talk with her properly.. so she walked with mel and i walked with yosh.. he plays cod4 to, so got his contact so we could maybe play sometime.. he had to go townhall tho so we separated there.. he was gonna come central with us but persuaded him to go town hall.. i know i feel so bad.. for doin somethin like that.. but its only coz i dont think they were comfortable with him arnd.. and tbh i wasnt a lil as well.. well we caught an 895.. saw figget.. but he was too shy to come sit with us.. i sat infront of them two..bus ride was nothing special.. just listend to mp3.. its funny reading all this at a later date.. because i dont see how stupid it all sounds when i am actually writing it. coz its really just train of thought.. and sometimes our train of thought sounds stupid when we read properly after.. i just hope she has never seen this journal or else id just die inside.. all the things ive put up here.. would make anyone run away if they saw it abt them..i guess i would.. altho it might explain a bit if she did.. i feel a bit nervous now posting this stuff up.. but i do it so all this doesnt just disappear.. so i dont forget i guess. so that was friday.. oh yeah and i went to gym from uni.. finished late like 830 so met up with sister in the city and then went home.. we had some good bonding.. talking abt relationships and her course.. its funny how much we've both grown up.. and now we talk abt different things.. she was talking abt how i shld get a girlfriend coz she could totally help me or something.. haha, its ok sis.. then abt one of her korean friends, whose arnd my age.. then we just talked abt how girls appreciate wit in a guy..somethin abt how it shows a bit of intelligence and confidence in a guy.. and how guys are not exactly looking for wit in a girl.. i guess coz they just want a girl that will laugh at their jokes.. which is true.. nothing nicer than a girl who appreciates and has the same humour.. someone u can laugh with..and maybe even make u laugh.. saturday.. had to come into uni for grp work.. was late abt 40 mins.. we got a bit done.. but was still mainly ironing out the details of the project and completely understanding it.. we got lunch arnd 1:30 nothing is really open on campus on weekends. so choice was either kebab or indian..we went with indian, i wanted some rice and they wanted to try the wraps.. was a good choice coz it was a bit cold that day.. so some warm food was good.. sherman and michelle left arnd 2ish.. so me n amanda just looked at the submission questions and tried to figure out what the project actually wanted us to do.. and who was the user/buyer/client and what our business case is etc coz overall its pretty vague and is open to a bit of interpretation.. we realised we couldnt really progress and we already sent the lecturer a bunch of q's we needed answered first so we finished up early near to 3.. she drove here so she went the other way i went to the buses.. uni is such a ghost town.. literally nobody.. but guess what, i bumped into to american louis.. which i didnt realise till i was like a few metres from him.. he was walking from law but he was in moogol or something, one of the engineering labs.. he didnt know where the toilets were so i think he went to one on the west side of campus, haha west side.. anyways yeah bused it home.. wasnt feeling well to go gym and wanted to just study at home.. sunday was a slow day.. didnt even bother to shower today.. just stayed in same clothes all day.. procrastinating.. trying to get some work done.. regret not going gym today.. and instead eating some delicious food.. but oh well 1/7 isnt too bad.. gotta relax once in awhile.. so tired now its past 1am and another week is here.. wonder what this one will hold.. songofthemoment nothing.. been too distracted lately to even listen to my mp3 half the time its on.. i guess i need some new music gnite

why cant i just let go of all feelings, is it so hard? life changes so fast, if u blink you'll miss it..i cant even remember what happened last week, not even the times with her..because all my mind has been dwelling on the past 2 days is what i should do, what i should do. but tbh its all my mind has been dwelling on for a good few months now.. but lately its hit me hard, normally i go on with it..pretending..trying..just smiling..not that i dont want to, its just so hard to when u want to do so more. you know what im talking about. everybody believes they can keep it to just friends, even though they feel theres something more..i feel it sometimes, but then sometimes im unsure..its stupid to tell yourself to forget, because ur mind just does the opposite..or try look for excuses theres nothing in it, when clearly there is something, ur just too afraid..too scared to get hurt. my mind has been thinking abt it nonstop for the past two days, everytime one side comes out with an excuse to go for it the other makes up another to stop it.. its an internal battle that never stops.. usually its bearable.. but when feelings get so intense, its hard not to ignore it.. but u have to.. to keep it together. anyways heres a bit of the past few days, might skip some days from last week because i honestly cant remember it now properly, i probably could if i tried hard enough but i have too much on my mind.. typing up this stuff right now already is..just so i can get this stuff out and sleep tonight. so sunday night i think it was, it started raining..i was still in an ok mood then, spent the weekend studying, mainly micro. went to sleep a bit late that night. monday morning, went gym..went to uni and got into class, maths tute, and didnt realise that we had an exam that day.. just fantastic.. i switched the tutes around that i thought i had an exam for.. so yeah i stuffed that up, could barely answer half of it.. wasnt too great after that.. after i dont know why, but when i went to infs lab i just didnt want to sit next to amanda and sherman..no reason really, i guess i just needed some space atm, what i didnt know is that there would be a sudden rush of hopelessness coming later..mainly because i was deciding whether or not i shld say something or continue the friendship without ruining it.. in my head so far i was happy being good friends, we'd laugh all the time and talk abt stuff good friends normally do, life was good, i was happy with that, but i think one day, i thought to myself, i cant live with that, its not right, i cant just stand by and be this person..theres gotta be something more.. i think along the lines i decided it had to be all or nothing, for my own sake, because id feel so great and happy while spending time with her, but after or even sometimes during, id feel this lil bit of sadness, that feeling that u know it will never be, a sort of 'what if' moment..well this time in infs lab, my heart couldnt take it.. so i did something really stupid.. that my heart didnt think thru, but does it ever? i think i somehow decided on distancing myself from her, getting less close, less intimate, less friendly in other words..im such an idiot..well she didnt sense it i think, not on monday atleast..my friend i think did, he was more quiet than usual.. i think he sensed there was something not right in the air.. but he kept to himself..i felt so bad being rude to my two best friends at uni..rude in the sense of the silent treatment, alone with my thoughts. but thats how my heart wanted to be that day..i hoped that that was it, but it didnt let up..in fact the next day was alot worse.. that night i slept pretty early at 10ish after some micro reading. i think i needed a good rest, being miserable is tiring -.- this morning i went gym again, caught train from revesby.. got to uni early with a few mins.. so just waited outside micro tute..at this moment, my mind was still battling, but thankfully my mp3 was distracting it, so it wouldnt be as bad, my mp3 was the lesser of two evils at the time..must admit it does instigate alot of these thoughts, esp with the music i have put on there..not to mention the song she let me listen to. anyways, micro tute was good, diff tutor for this week, which was alot better than the usual guy..things were ok in class, and after went to squash for a quick game..squash is so theraputic, got my mind off things for a good half an hr, and finally able to hit the ball back properly, or atleast today.. score was something like 27-25.. not my way, but it didnt matter, that was probably the highlight of my day, or atleast the second..the first is alot later. left squash early to duck down to quad lab 6, half wanting to see her, half not wanting to (the distance thing). when i got there i realised i dodnt really need to do anything, and that i only had like 5-10 mins till class, so did some jp morgan trading places, rememberd that i actually signed up for that thing.. i think i put $20,000 worth of shares in coca cola and seven news network.. random guesses, hope they do well but really dont care haha..wow i actually said haha today, thot it was gonna be one of those days..journaling is so therapeutic haha, there i did it again ;) anyways the next 3 hours was distant to say the least.. to sum it up, i was pretty much stone cold distant and silent the entire lecture, only spoke to her a few times, when she directly asked me something, even then i tried to keep it to a minimum..it was so painful inside to have to resort to this, but as i rememberd, if i didnt, id just be leading myself on into regretful happiness..so i kept to it.. im so dumb, i even tried to keep it more distant by speaking more with the girl next to me instead.. altho i actually did ask her some important things. at the end of class, she ducked off again for presentations..even after i told her last time she should stay for her own good..goes to show she doesnt really care what i say, supports my side of head that says theres nothing in it..she just sees me as a good friend, not even maybe.. just a casual uni friend..i went off for a walk during break because well, i needed one.. she came back at the end of class.. probly back from being with dean, his a good guy atleast, or i think so..i dont know.. out of the alternatives.. as long as she is happy, but whenever the topic comes up, shes indecisive about him..wonder why.. so anyways class has ended and she thinks im not well or something..atleast shes noticed..and were now on our way to the bus stops, oh and dean comes out of no where and joins us, of course. his also, asking q's, i try reply as normal as i can, but by this time im really choking..inside. i cant hold it anymore.. its a miracle i got thru the lecture because it was so tense and quiet that i was dying inside every 5 mins.. he sort of senses something isnt right as well, i think.. well if he didnt, i made some distance between them..my mind was just so broken, everything inside me was so broken..like i knew i was never going to.. that it was just something my mind made me believe somehow and i was now only realising it..anyways walking behind them two didnt help..altho i dont know why but they were also walking apart..whether it be because i was or just that they werent u know, actually intimate.. i dont know..again my mind was playing tricks..that walk was probly the most depressing walk out of uni yet.. it had been raining all day.. and now wasnt an exception.. no one spoke..well they did briefly.. probly abt me.. i was behind a few steps arms crossed with my jumper.. just trying not to die inside..it was to the point i nearly felt a bit sick.. they went on the townhall bus..i hesitated and forced myself to go central bus..if im gonna distance myself today.. i need to do it.. anyways the bus ride would just be awkward..esp with them sensing something is not right with alvien.. to make matters worse..while trying to distract myself again while on the train the mx that day had a section on being 'confused' yep todays 31st march tuesday 2009 mx had a page of lil comments from diff people on their situations, whether to say something or not to their friend, being confused. that sent my mind spinning again, the whole day just came crashing down again in one moment..why..of all the days.. it had to be today..why does it have to hurt this much..why does it have to be this way..i know ill feel better another day.. and maybe go back to the way things were.. but then again i know that this will most likely happen again..can i live with that? can i go on knowing that? is the risk worth the reward..should a friend tell another friend that theres something more, something special there..or should he just forget and move on.. and try to live with it..or distance himself and try put the whole thing behind him.. because really.. i dont know.. i dont know.. i...dont...know. i wish i did. i wish i knew what she was thinking.. especially when later she wrote an sms to me..930 tonight.. less than an hr ago.. which was when i started typing this..it goes something like this "Hey alvien i'm not sure if it's my business but i hope ur ok u seemed distracted or sick jus so u know if ya need a friend i'll be here lol ^.^" that was the highlight of my day..mixed emotions..it reignited my will to keep on going..maybe there is something.. although shes probably just a really thoughtful friend.. i seriously didnt think she would care or even worry..this sms is gonna keep my mind rolling for awhile to come.. but atleast its said one thing..she cares and thats all i really need right now =) songofthemoment gabe bondoc - whether or not

this week so far isnt so bad, it has had its ups n downs..the better half of it is gone since its now thursday (well 1am thursday morning so technically thursday hasnt happened yet). monday i think i skipped morning gym to study for the infs lab assessment later that day, did a fair bit of reading if i remember correctly..altho maths hw was delayed, only got to do a few qs.. got to uni on time (thank goodness) maths tute was meh, ended up talking with some luke guy who has already finished a course and is taking a second one, he seems to know what his doin with his uni, attending the careers expo and all in a suit handing out resumes, haha i shldve done that, i probly will be when im at his stage of his career.. lol career..cant even imagine having one let alone rising in one. ah well thats something for future alvien to think about. next was the infs lab assessment.. everyone was already there when arrived, jess n sherman were at the back, so got a seat and went thru it.. it was alot easier than expected, meaning i could actually do the questions..altho it took some memory jogging and lookin thru elearning notes i managed to finish most of it.. no one could do the last part, and half of the second last part..i was happy with what i got done, altho i feel sorry for jess, she submitted with 16 errors >< i hope the tutor doesnt mark harshly for that.. she has improved heaps.. ah well i think i didnt make things better poking fun at it.. but given my situation and distance im trying to keep for my own good i sort of had to.. she seemd to take it lightly but i dont know what she thinks of me now, probly still some immature kid whose always making fun of her, sigh why do i do these things? we met our 4th member for the grp project, amanda, from a prev comp subject last yr, tho i dont think she remembers me..she seems to know her stuff so hopefully this grp project will do well. jess was abt to stay back to study for mgmt, so i stayed back, but long story short, we all went to the lecture..which we half paid attention half mucked around half paper msned (u know write messages on paper and pass it between each other..yeah). sat next to sam, whose now doing his industrial training part of BIT. the lect finished a bit early and the micro lect was like next door so we just bummed arnd a bit, then she went off with melissa so we went to get seats, shermy went to get the paper, returning later for 5c lol..lect was ok, least boring subject. then bus home.. later that night she called, but was just asking to print lect notes for tmr, talked for a bit, cant remember abt what..haha yeah i know its nothing..found out there was an sms to go with it when i checkd my mobile. tuesday morning went gym then read on the train micro stuff., got to the tute early for once..so course there was that awkward part before the tute where all the students hang arnd outside the class, but no one speaks.. i thought it was funny to watch..micro tute was ok this week, actually understood what was happening and even answered a question, yeah micro is pretty interesting. then 1 hr break, where i normally meet up with her, but instead went squash..sweat alot as usual, luckily i brought a small towel this time to dry off..getting better at squash, i think the score was like 15-12, shermans way.. but still better than like 15-7.. maybe next time itll be 15-14. ended up playing two rounds, which meant i left there right before 3, and the 3 hr lect was like 10 mins up campus.. so came in late and sweating.. just great.. when i went in she was in our usual spot but there was some dude now next to her.. from the moment i saw him i knew his intentions, he looked like one of those dodgy guys too with only one thing on his mind.. but i couldnt really say anything.. thruout the lecture he pretended to need help etc just trying to chat up jess, funny thing is i was the one who had to give my stuff to him..sus sneaky guy, i mean cmon, first he asks to see last weeks lecture, then the course outline.. saw right thru him, but i dont think she did..but it didnt matter coz we talked the whole time, and did alot more paper msn, and random drawings n scribbles. its some where on the back of my lecture notes, we filled it up pretty much.. arnd 4 ish she said something that made me laugh a bit inside, she asked all girly "if i tell you something girly will you mind/laugh?" so im like "er haha what is it, i wont laugh *laughs a bit*" "ive gotta go at 430" "oh..why where u goin" "i have to go do a girl problem" "ooooh, ok" something along those lines.. the way she said it was cute, i could see the sus guy on the other side of her, making side glances every now n then, didnt really like him one bit..esp when she went off to do her "girl" problem, the sus guy goes thru all her stuff and notes etc.. im like thinking, wtf dude what are you doing.. seriously wth.. u dont just go thru peoples stuff.. i didnt wanna say anything.. but i just gave him a look, he sorta backed off after that.. probly trying to find what we were writing abt and get some leverage.. desperate guy. anyways for break, just had lunch and walked down the hallway..again i bumped into jason.. seems like we will be bumping into each other every week at this time. weird coincidence really.. oh n dean and jess were strolling around.. she called but i was talking to jason then ran off to class.. caught up with dean and just talked quick chit chat abt cod4..came back in and more lecture discussions.. then the presentations.. she stayed for 1, which was this cute asian chick, so i didnt mind paying attention, theirs was so pro.. glad i did mine already.. after that she left, felt a bit ditched, but the thing that really got me was the sus guy, who left as she left, like literally seconds after.. and he goes all try hardish to his friends "im gonna go toilet..yeahh" and hi fives one of em..i swear if he tries anything on her or does something.. his gonna get it. but thankfully she was with dean, i think.. out of common courtesy i stayed back for the rest of the presentations, which were all really good..even learnt a few things.. tho didnt particpate, couldnt find anything to say abt it really.. will have to next week to get some class marks. bus then train home, i cant remember anything significant happening on the way home. did some micro reading, so many pages to do. then wednesday, or today.. gym in the morning, had to cut it real short, like 50 mins max, and trained it from revesby..got to uni with alot of time to kill, oh and when i woke up there was a msg from jess. something abt come while she had break, but i had class, so just had to reply with that.. maths lect was er ok, called her up before it started, coz was so bored..and i knew it was gonne get even more boring.. altho the asian chick next to me, kept side glancing, i dont know if it was for good or bad lol..after met jess n dean outside, their lect was right after mine and in 8 i was in 7..we just confirmed to meet later in quad lab 6 and some small talk. went to get a pearl taro milk tea.. soo good and only 3 bucks.. that was sorta my snack i spose.. went quad labs and did some micro.. then sherman msns me thru vista.. he was in asb108 so i went there eventually after some more micro.. johnson was also there, a usyd pharm student, who was preparing for the pharm revue, while also watching the latest himym, his ok, gave him my mp3 coz he wanted some music.. sherman went to get some pearl tea when he saw mine.. so just read more micro.. when he got bak we did the self tests, which was actually good studying, tho half mucking around and half letting johnson (the pharmacy student) answer some of our microeconomics questions, long story short we got 9/15 for the one we let johnson do some but 13/15 for the one we did seriously, so it was ok. michelle came later, they were gonna go careers expo but i think ended up not goin.. forgot to text jess to tell her im not at quad lab anymore..lol oops. so she rang me, but call disconnected straight after so called her up.. sherman said a few words which i translated sorta something along the lines of "johnson wants to intertap you jess" i know stupid right.. anyways she was like what? she came later and we all packed up n left. went to marsh room to watch the bboy class again, talked abt a few things, namely her thoughts on dean and other stuff.. so what i thought was sorta true.. i already knew dean was falling for her.. but whether she was, she didnt really know.. she said "i dont wanna hurt him" from then it became a bit more clear how things were between them two..more of a onesided relationship than anything if u could call it that i guess, but yeah i see where she is coming from, i just hope no one gets hurt.. well cept me.. but u cant help that.. she doesnt even know, and she probly never will.. im just her good friend, her protective friend, gave her a bit of my thoughts on the sus guy.. she sorta had a feelin abt it too i think or atleast now hse does.. altho that sort of turned into us somehow laughing abt protecting her from someone else.. i dunno.. we tend to go off topic alot and just laugh.. =) she changed into track suit pants to "practice" altho we didnt join class we sort of made our own "dodgy random in the corner" practice session.. lol watched a bit more of the class and just talk.. she kept goin on abt the hot guys walking arnd, the real breakers..i just did the eye rolling thing. we felt bad for watching and not paying so i told her to just act interested and talk to the guy, coz it wont be so bad coming from her, we all know guys are much nicer when theres a cute girl talking to them.. in this case it was also true.. so we got out, she went to change, and she wanted to stalk on her jason friend.. altho that didnt really happen.. more of a look from a distance, and the guy sort of just looked for a half a second and left, she didnt really like that.. then we went to meet up with dean to go home.. we just talked cod most of the way while jess was rushing arnd looking for a bus.. dean met up with some friends, apparently jess knows them but is not too keen on talking, she said something but i missed it, so might be something that happened before, the chicks name was gloria.. well we bussed it to townhall, was packed, so we were sorta split.. i just stood by the bag holding area.. the asian chick next to me was a bit friendly, in the sense hands touched more than normal and she didnt really shy away from it, infact it felt more like she was trying to do it.. i didnt really mind, she was cute, but i just kept too my spot and stared off into the distance.. kept picking up vibes from her tho, later even got a smile and thankyou when i gave up my seat.. shes probly always a bit too friendly.. we missed our usual stop so got off like a block or two later.. the walk to the station we just continued our cod talk..while jess lead the way at the front. said our goodbyes and i went off to train it.. was pretty hungry when i got to lidcombe so i decided to get a porkroll.. best idea ever.. was soo good. havent had one in ages and all i had to eat today was cereal, sandwich and a pearl tea..so the porkroll tasted like heaven in my mouth... *drools* it was gettin dark when i got home, and was starting to thunder and lightning, so went out for a walk after dinner, while it was still only drizzling very lightly, but the lightning was going nuts in the distance and got closer and closer, only walked up n down the street today incase it started pouring.. but still had a good 30 or so min walk.. and the lightning was just beautiful, so bright and so quick..it stopped ages ago, didnt last that long.. sis was on comp so i just read some micro.. got a few pages out of the way before gettiu sleepy and gave in to a quick rest..played some cod with dean, and did some youtube.. chris also msned abt gold class tickets he was gonna give to mj, apparently her bday today, 25th of march, well yesterday (2 hrs ago), 1:59 am now, also jacky then asks for legal studies help, haha i dont do it but tried to give some ideas which somehow helped.. john might tennis this semester once he gets all his work done..sherman talked abt the project abit. ah the project, gotta get started on that and set dates for us to work, bah hope i dont have to lead this one again, or co lead.. better to get it done early and out of the way, this sem is still just getting started. my feelings atm for her? i dont really know, this thing im trying to do to not get hurt is sort of doing the opposite, at times the feelings are strong, and its all i can think abt, other times i wonder why im thinking like this now.. i guess she leads me on sometimes, like with all the other guy friends she has, they have seemd to learn so why cant i? well except dean.. i think his misread her or have i? more on that when something happens..its late and i wanna just bed it.. so confused, what am i gonna do? i guess the only thing i can do, enjoy it =D songofthemoment puddle of mudd - blurry

continuing from last thursday 19th march, maths tute was full on, teacher didnt stop to breathe, mp3 was back up n running, micro lect after was same, ended a bit earlier actually..so i stayed back in the quad labs to study a bit..sherman stayed back a bit too, while he waits for michelle. so i got some study done while waiting for the clock to reach 6 ish.. then left for revesby to have dinner with family. got there just on time, dinner was nice, and bumped into a fellow filo who worked there, always seen him arnd after gym but never crossd my mind he was filo, goes to show cant really judge just by appearances. played some pool later to pass the time, then hometime. next day was friday, when i normally dont have uni, but coz i changed maths lect for someone so i could join em in breakdancing i now had 9-11 friday classes, which is soo early (for me atleast, i like late uni) so ofcourse i was running late for class..decided id already missed the first half, so i went to get the paper and set my stuff down in quad lab 6 and maybe relax for a bit.. then at 10 to 10 went to the second half of maths, lecturers are so much better than the stream i was prev in, so i guess the change wasnt all too bad, even if it means i have a 5 day week now.. i cant remember if she was already there when i came back or she arrived after i arrived, anyways she came in and we just smiled, its all i can really do for now, she didnt end up wearing the heels she said she would, but that didnt matter. we just bludged a bit i think, trying to study a bit. i dont know why i said the things i said next, i guess i was thinking it would help things, but i think it just jumbled things even more; anyways, what i said was that i was interested in some girl in my maths tute (which i sort of was, but nowhere as near as her) and that things were getting interesting over the past week with eyes glancing around the place (that was actually true, lately ive noticed classmates of the opposite sex showin a bit more interest than normal, whether thats good or bad, i dont know yet) this sparked her interest and a bit of excitement, i dont know if that was the reaction i was looking for, but she seemd to want to know more, but not in the way that i woudlve wanted =/ so i had to maintain a sense of interest in the girl i was "supposedly" considering in my maths tute, she was giving me some tips, the usual "just say hi" and "it has to be comfortable first before anything else" how ironic, its funny coz thats what i was doing with her, but i think were getting too comfortable with each other for anything to happen without someone getting hurt or awkward, so now i just have to live with the fact she thinks im interested in someone else, which infact i said to do the opposite..i cant tell if she was just pretending to be interested and really wasnt liking my news, but thats probably my minds wishful thinking again =/ so yeah throughout the day it was a bit of that and studying for nextweeks assessment.. sherman came in after them, and got straight into work..went to his computer later to get some decent studying done, then she followed and we all sussed out a few exercises.. then sherman was gettin a bit hungry so went with him to look for some food, although i already had mine. jess wanted us to get her $6.50 lasagne somewhere up in mathews.. we checked out the asian restaurant near clb, and found out they sold Pearl Taro Milk Tea!! also for only 3 bucks, mmmm so we both got one, was soo goood. better than food. then got her food, i paid for it, and went back. oh and during the study session, bumped into king, he was looking up exchange info for america, clarence and another friend also came later, and melissa, jess's friend.. she was neopetting and the guys behind got bored so was asking her what games to play haha, that was random, at this time sherman was showing me youtube videos, some drumming ones, while i showed him some hip hop ones, he didnt seem to like it as much as i thought :( but o well diff tastes.. after some more studying we decided to go check marsh room to "practice" or atleast try to haha, so we could maybe try a few things in the audience of no one.. altho i dont know why i asked sherman to come >< it seemd to annoy jess, so that was poor judgement on my behalf..on the way sherman kept poking fun at us, just mocking us i spose, whether he was trying to sus anything out of me or jess i dont know..as usual i had to act as if it was stupid, i think jess feels a bit awkward when he does that i cant say i dont, i mean we both cant really say anything at the risk of hurting each other or clarifying something we both maybe dont want to know the answer to. but i dunno i cant read minds.. anyways the breakdancin didnt get anywhere, coz we bumped into one of shermans friends, and that just made our walk more awkward coz we didnt really want anyone to watch us in the first place plus she said she had to go soon, so we decided to go back, which sort of made the other guy feel awkward i spose, in short nothing happened and we just walked up n down past law and back to quad. sherman invited me to squash with his friends later, so packed up for the day, they were also all leaving so we both went out separate ways.. we both went to the tennis courts trying to find a way in, we looked like noobs, took us awhile to realise it was from the back, but then there was like 10+ people so we couldnt tennis, instead we went with a few guys to squash.. there was adley, chubby guy, alex, the pro guy that remembers me from somewhere and i think i too but cant, william the timid guy who was eating his food on the way..so abt 5 of us.. squash was near the uni gym, behind roundhouse.. so was new territory for me. we got past the unigym and up to the squash courts when on the stairs, who did we see but jess and the rest..that was unexpected..she remembered that we were meant to get posters today, i cant believe that totally slipped my mind, better yet i cant believe she went looking for me, and made it as far as these squash courts..it sort of gave me hope, but i knew i was half kidding myself, i mean cmon..gotta be realistic here.. so i was tied between goin to squash or going with her and dean, mel to get posters, obv i wanted to go but i felt for ditching sherman, even for a second, since he was bringing me here and i just met his friends.. so i made a snap decision to quickly go and get the posters with her.. so back at roundhouse, we went to get posters, i got my muhammad ali (that now sits at the edge of my bed, looking awesome) and my sister a twilight one of bella and edward? she got a twilight crew one..she got me another one coz apparently she accidentally creased it, how thoughtful..but no, dont kid yourself anymore its just common courtesy, i guess. so it cost abt 18 bucks for my two and 9 for hers, got it packaged and then we went our separate ways again halfway between unigym and roundhouse, where the art ppl were drawing..had to rush back to the squash ppl.. got changd into some more appropriate clothes, shorts and shirt, as i knew i was going to sweat and run alot, something that wouldnt work in jeans and a hoodie.. we played in a couple of courts, having to move when someone with a real booking came haha, but it was free so cant complain and we always managed to find a replacement court.. clicked well with everyone there, something i usually dont do when meeting new people which was new..i guess the phrase 'just be yourself' but dont over do it, can really work.. so i learnt how to play squash, but still sucked bad at it, and felt so noobie coz everyone was teaching me how to play lol, altho i got a few woah's here n there probly coz i managed to actually hit the ball..after abt 2 hrs, we left, i changed back coz i was drenched in sweat, and later i would find that my right forearm is dead and sore.. bused it with sherman to central, he was meeting michelle later (oh yeh she stopped by before in the lab before goin to work) john rang me on the bus and i justm issed him apparently, he was onthe bus behind me, so i waited at central and just talked with sherman, he was a bit upset, esp with someone. we just talked abt how he doenst tell everything to anyone, that he has to get to know em alot first and comfortable enough to trust them, im privileged to be there i guess, altho when he talks abt jess i cant really say anything and just listen, i didnt know things were gettin on his nerves this bad (and also after tonight). well i think we talked too long coz i missed my friend, i think a few buses went past us while we were busy talking, but its k coz i was going home, didnt need to gym since squash was sorta my gym for the day.. went home and was just getting vibes from the chick next to me on the train, talked randomly for a bit with a stranger abt his shirt before gettin of lidcombe, he had an australian shirt which said "War on Error ism" i thought it was funny and said something abt it; again this renewed confidence ive been getting from her has been coming through alot lately, first with new people then now this, i never would have before. got home and ill admit i was bored and was dancing a bit infront of the mirror, well not really dancing, more like lipsyncing to gabe bondoc songs and doing actions haha, im so lame i know, but no one was home upstairs and i didnt wanna rest yet..so yeah..that was my friday.. saturday and sunday isnt really worth writing abt, just trained it to gym but didnt look it up and there was track work, so trip was super long and ended up busing it to revesby from sydenham.. birthday dinner later that night.. sunday was pretty much the same, woke up and while cod4'ing got a call from her, also an sms an hr before, cant believe out of all the days i dont check my mobile when i wake up thats the day she sms's me..anyways it was just abt java work, but the fact that she wanted to call me later sometime amused me, i know.. lame yeh? but anything is better than nothing..anyways she called while i was gaming, haha. just abt java but i hadnt really studied much for it yet, just theory, coz java compile didnt work at home for me, so i couldnt really help her, im so dumb, i shdlve stopped there and offered to help her then.. well she said she would call later, but i guess she didnt need to coz she never did..i feel a bit bad coz maybe she felt i was slacking off a bit and didnt bother, or maybe i shdlve called her back..either way its too late now.. so went gym, which i told her i would, so maybe she didnt call coz she knew i would be out..gym was refreshing, always is..had leftovers for lunch and a bit of mini meatpies, mmm soo goood. then read the java textbook for a bit. nearly fell asleep..later that night played settlers of catan with family which was long but fun and ended way too late, like midnight.. went up to do some last minute studying, then sherman msns me abt another problem with jess =/ i think he really has it in for her, he seems to find something knew that upsets him abt her every week, i dont know how true this one was tho, it was basically related to the 'door' incident which was my fault, his phone hasnt been working lately which caused him to be late one night, miss a meeting with a friend, etc and apparently it was because jess entered a new number into his phone called 'jess's friend' which was infact his number? anyways long story short, his voicemail was labeled jess's friend, and was conflicting with incoming calls and voicemail..he wasnt happy abt it, but i know she wouldnt have done something like that. that was abt an hr and a half ago, its 230 now and i am falling asleep, gonna call it a night and just continue study tmr..i wonder how this week will pan out, things are getting more n more complicated and uni workload is starting to pile up >< *sigh* songofthemoment anything from gabe bondoc will suffice

so my mp3 died yesterday, and it was really sad coz then id have no source of music for the rest of uni (listening to music on the phone is inconvenient, but i had to use it for gym and on the train.) so this morning went gym, really made a sweat, and i mean really. i normally sweat a bit, but today was insane, gross ey, but atleast it means i did a good work out..also they were closing the showers from 12-1 so had to cut gym a bit short, so sped up the weights part.. had quick lunch, then mum tells me my sis has left her folder at home and she needs it for uni. so met up with her on the train and gave her winnie the pooh bear folder.. felt a bit weird holding it and i think i got some funny looking stares..haha. so she was on the 1:18 berowra train by the guards compartment with her friends. there was like 5 of em, vano, bhavs?, grace, nicky and lina..so much to remember..was interesting to finally see who my sister was hanging with at uni.. they all do look a bit older, and they thought i was the younger of us two, haha, probly coz i shaved, but still never crossed my mind, funny, so we joked abt that mostly. they all got off at redfern, so had to make do with mobile mp3..came to uni to get some quick study before class in quad labs, went back to the same one where my mp3 broke the other day..was thinking maybe i can revive my mp3, worth a shot. plugged in the mp3 and voila! its alive again! thank god..was down at the thought of having no more mp3 for a while..so its now charging and i shld be studying for maths before it reaches 3.. dinner later tonight at revesby.. songofthemoment none really, just happy mp3 is back.

so shes been saying things along those lines here n there, im not sure how to respond, is it too casual to say thanks i think ur cool too, or maybe i shld joke abt it? or say something back that sits closer to how i feel.. i dont know, i know she has a lot of guy friends, tho whether she says these things to others; maybe? last thing i want is to look stupid, and say something dumb.. but she seems to trust me and confides some things in me, then again i dont know if she does this naturally with her other guy friends, i might be one of her many "close" guy friends, that think theres something more in this..sigh if only i could get a hint or something. gymed short today in the morning, which turned out to be a bit too long coz i was late for my maths lecture >< so ended up just getting lunch instead at roundhouse and then attending the second part of it..was sweating heaps when i arrived, i dont know if it was the heat or coz there was so many ppl in one room, but ended up having to wash up and cool down a bit..this lecture grp is alrite, the lecturer is good not boring atleast..halfway thru tho some lady sat next to me, she was much older and smelt of cigarretes x.x i was literally dying for clean air..it was so strong, but i didnt want to do anything that would offend her like cover my nose or fan the air..felt like my lungs were gettin sick.. after went to the quad labs to study, heard an alvien and saw bethany briefly, just returned the hey. got some serious study done for infs.. made notes and revised, while chillaxing to some music. after abt an hr youtubed a bit, then did some more notes. it was nearing 4 and i thought maybe she forgot abt today, so smsed her.. no reply so went to the toilet. when i got back she was there, somehow found my bag in the back. reminded me to send the ppt, thank god coz i forgot totally. accidentally sent it twice .. better than none i spose, tho the lecturer will probly go wth when he sees that. packed up and headed off for breakdance..we met up with dean and his friend. she gave him a goodbye kiss on the cheek, which surprised me a bit, sort of told me that maybe she does have feelings for this guy, and yeah im a nobody to her.. i guess i sort of knew this.. just wished that there mightve been something, u know. straight after while on the way i joked abt it, and she just told me shes been doin that for ages, it was natural for her. so then i didnt know whether to take that as her kiss didnt really mean as much as i thought it did, or what.. oh well. we found the place up at marsh room, there was a bunch of ppl already starting the class, and a few on the sides just chilling.. bumped into ben tong, he was jamming for a bit and is breakin now. she was a bit shy to come in at first, so just asked if its cool if we just stay and watch for this week, so we ended up watching the class..they were doin helicopters and small footwork, she watched in awe whenever someone tried something, talked mostly while watching, oh and she noticed my necklace before, which was odd coz i always wear it. left before 5 to avoid the bus rush, she went toilet so i quickly got a plastic bag to make things easier for her. bused it to townhall again, played 24 to pass the time since my mp3 stopped working..sigh cant believe its broken, now i got nothing to listen to, i wonder if it was because i pulled it out too fast when we were goin from quad labs to roundhouse? ah well its dead for sure atm.. we left our bags at the front of the bus which ended up being a bad idea coz we ended up in the back.. so when there was less ppl went to get it. was dying of thirst and needed new water, so went to coles to get some, she stayed back to get it with me even tho her bus was like coming.. she also showed me some shoes she got at some store, they were high heels, they looked ok, i think she said she might wear them on friday, haha jess in high heels? thats new. dont mind what she wears, coz it doesnt matter =) but i miss my mp3 :( R.I.P. kept me occupied while u lasted songofthemoment n.e.r.d. - you know what peace love and lol =)

this week so far has been a rollercoaster ride, in terms of stress and bliss.. this week i had a presentation due tuesday that i hadnt really done much work on yet, just collected sources and information, but no real powerpoint has been made yet >< so i was really stressing all monday and tuesday morning.. anywho this was my monday, went to bed sunday night (more like monday morning) arnd 2-3am trying to do the presentation.. only got like the powerpoint slide format done which takes like 10 mins.. then dropped dead in bed. this week changed maths lectures so i could check out breakdancin on wed with a special friend, so first was tute, i was so unprepared for it coz all my time was on the presentation.. so i didnt even remember if it was algebra or calc tute >< felt so stupid when i asked the guy i just met last week.. once again our tutor has proven to us he is a bit of a rambler and makes us feel like he doesnt know what he is doing..weird analogies and random approaches to questions that didnt even answer it? then infs2609 lab work.. got only a lil done, spent most of the lab teaching her how to do an exercise, then sherman came and did some "hacking" on my computer which changed some of my results, was funny, something along the lines of "alvien is 4 years old" etc.. lecture afterwards was a bit boring, ended up just doodling on the newspaper with sherman.. there was a bit of an interesting moment that happend on paper, it sorta caught me off guard, coz i wasnt sure if she was serious or not, and im pretty sure i didnt know how to react.. i mean what do u do when that special someone replies to this message "do you have a crush on alvien" ... then written below in three simple letters .. "yes" i looked at her and she had that longing look, tho it half looked like she was in a joking mood, i couldnt tell so my reply was something stupid like "wth?" with some other random things that i ended up scribbling out.. i dont know, did i blow it? does she now think i have no feelings for her.. i hope not, but on the other hand she might not have meant what she wrote.. i dont know.. i wish i knew, so i could do something, but until i have something, ill just wait, because she is worth it. then lecture ended and went off to micro lecture..least boring lecture of the week. as soon as i got home i washed up and rested for a bit, coz i knew id be up all night doing this presentation..and i was right, didnt sleep till like 2am, but only 25% of the actual work was complete. decided against an all nighter as i needed to be awake by the time i delivered the presentation which was like at 5 right at the end of the day.. missed my train >< so ended up coming like 5 mins late to the (new) micro tute.. new tutor is different, his english and pronunciation is a bit off and i think he has a few spelling issues but he seems like a nice tutor..oh and when i reached the room i did hte stupidest thing ever with the door, i tried to pull it open and turn the knob and was like there for 20 seconds till the guy saw me thru the door and gestured to me to push.. felt like such an idiot haha.. esp coz i was late. sherman saved me a seat near the door, they were already reading thru questions..tute was too bad, nothing hard so far, even attempted to answer some and got most of it wrong, but atleast one right. throughout the whole tutorial i got this really new vibe coming from the girls in the room, it was so weird.. esp the white chick on my right (as sherman was on my left)..she was playing with her hair alot and making glances, and leaning forward when i did so..it was the strangest thing, i dont know if she does it often but that was new oO not saying she wasnt hot.. she was, alrite. this also happend with the asian chick across from us on my left, she was typical ok looking asian, but every now and then she would make glances at us, they were probly scoping out sherman haha, but weirdly i got a few eye contacts that lingered a bit..lol strange, is gym really working? or maybe just this new confidence that ive been gettin from jess.. whatever it is, im not complaining =) so yeh that went for an hr, then after we got new submission questions, shermans voice was dead, and he was a bit angry at me that i was late :( im always disappointing him =/ such a bad friend, i know am..so got week 10 now, on supply and demand curves, pretty happy with that. 1 hr break; which i cannot remember what i did..oh thats right, met up with jess to prepare for the nerve racking presentation.. she was in lab 3 this time, fixed up the power point and saved, or atleast tried to.. comp died in the process. so tried again on another.. killed it too.. so ended up saving it on her computer, which she had like 2 usbs already plugged in. saved it everywhere, no time to practice so we just went to class.. i swear i thought it was mech eng but its actually in elec eng, the two buildings look exactly alike inside, old and dull..but nice long walkways.we got there early so just mucked around at the front pretending we were actually giving the presentation, then a few others and the lecturer came, so we went for a walk to pass some time, since we would be sitting down for like 3 hrs, or at i would be..went for a toilet and refresh up break funny enough i bumped into jason again at the same place, strange coincidence. we were both pretty nervous at this point and trying to laugh it off i think, which helped but i was still dying inside..lecture was interesting, about life cycles, good discussions, i reckon this is how lectures should be, more student input.. altho it was long and so ended up doodling, i dont know why i drew half a heart, then completed with a second half, but it was broken, she saw it, i guess was trying to say something but i dont know what..then later she wanted me to draw a castle, so i tried, it was a crap castle, but still a castle, with a tiny jess at the bottom haha, then she grabs my pen and scribbles down a stick figure with a huge head, im guessing that was me haha..more random scribbling..she wore her hair down today, it was so beautiful, but course i couldnt say that outloud, so i just said something stupud like how it looks like that sunsilk ad with the super silky hair..and then it turns out to be a guy, haha, ah i dont know why she laughs at my lame jokes sometimes..but im not complaining, its funny how such a simple smile can remove all the stress in the world, like nothing else matters, id never want to lose that, i dont think anyone would.. then we hit the halfway point and went for break, lecturer called for volunteers for presentation, no one was coming forward, so i asked if she wanted to go first or if she wanted me to go, i ended up volunteering, then she went after. so we went for another walk, the de-stress walk sposedly..got a call from sis in the lecture so i just tried to call back to see whats up..it wasnt really anything, just wanted to if i was coming home or not yet..then we went back for the presentation..or thats what we thought. there was still a lot of stuff to cover for the lecture before we actually got to the presentations which was around 5ish, the last hr..she gave me a question to ask incase at the end of hers..so i was first up..ended up starting with the wrong presetation x.x i forgot it was in her usb not mine..so quickly changed powerpoints.. then actually got into it.. it felt crap, i was way too long, the audience looked really bored, and half the stuff i was saying sounded like it came out bad..in the end i was like 5 mins overtime and the questions i got after i didnt really answer well..o well atleast its over..got my result straight after (probly coz i took so long he was able to write it all down) 4/6 bleh.. marks deducted for overtime.. got a mini hi 5 atleast, and found something nice scribbled on my paper when i went to sit down.. "u did fine" that was a bit reassuring. then it was her turn.. she did it on the epping line..layout was so much better than mine, and actually had pictures and stuff, and was on time..she finished nicely and then it was question time..i gestured if she wanted me to ask the question, but she motioned to just dw and i thought no one was going to ask any so i didnt, but then the lecturer asked her one, it was hard and he was slack on her reply..i scribbled on her paper that she did well too and it was all over, finally.. felt so at ease after that, so much tension released, just like going to the toilet haha (im random, i know). the rest of the presentations were totally pro, had actual real content. i wanted to see her reaction would be if i mentioned the white girl presenting was not bad looking, in her tight singlet, so i pretended to be interested in her and asked jess what she thought abt her..cant remember tho what she said.. after class we stayed back a bit to talk to the lecturer. then the walk to the buses, she put her sunnies on, i shld really bring mine, the sun is so bright at the end of the day..bused it to townhall, did the 24 game out of boredom, gave up my seat for this elderly woman..cant believe people no one was doing it =/ from uni to townhall we just talked abt random things, something along the lines of "im random funny and ur lame funny" i think, didnt really matter what it was abt, i just know we were laughing. she looked up my train and then we said goodbyes at the station.. platform 2.. which ended up taking me to north strathfield .. i shdlve double checked what i was gettin on to, bah, wasted 30 mins at north strathfield, so just got a drink outside the station, was so thirsty.. it was gettin darker.. as i was drinking on the top station walkway, realised that it had a nice view, so was random and took a few shots at the top, looking at the station and in the distance..haha seemd like a good idea at the time, had some time to kill. finally got home, washed up and had dinner..took the garbage out.. then relaxed to some music.. that was my monday and tuesday in a nut shell.. a big long nutshell lol songofthemoment gabe bondoc - the one "your the one, your the one, your the one for me"

1 week since last post, well i have good reasons for that; in short its been a very busy long week...ill try to recap the important stuff in what little time i have since i shld be waking up in abt 5 hrs >< monday 9th march first day back at uni, managed to wake up on time and get to uni by 9. maths was boring as usual and no seats until later in the lecture.. then 2 hour break, cant rem what i did actually then, i think it was a mix of working/studying and met up with sherman n jess. that was nice since i havent seen them for awhile, altho the other guy was there and yeah couldnt do much, looks like their hittin it off, even tho sherman keeps goin abt us two, yeah right..i know its not gonna happen so why do i keep puttin my self thru this? math tute at 1 was interesting, met some new guys at hte back of class, and teacher is some old guy who cant really teach or remember how to. then java lab with them two, best part of the day bein with two good friends, altho i think i went too far with a small joke by not opening the locked door for her, i dont know why i did it, i guess i was still trying to act like i didnt care abt her, its so hard to when u want the opposite, but for the sake of the friendship thats what its come down to. sherman keeps jokin abt us two bein interested in each other, i wish..so she was pissed for awhile but then thankfully it subsided and i was forgiven over the elearning vista chat...better than nothin i spose, and she seemd to be bit better.. class went on as usual got thru like half of the work. then lecture, which was at law bldg.. not many ppl, small lecture room, so thats good. we all sat back row and i was really gettin tired near the end i think i had a few microsleeps, i realised too late tho that the other two were watching me look stupidly sleepy, sigh, atleast she got a laugh out of it. then we went to econ lecture which was just next door, she stayed back with us a bit to just chat, sherman does his usual 'u guys look good together' thing :S, gosh thanks, make it more awkward.. altho we both know his just joking, cant really tell from her expression whether she genuinely is interested or just a good friend as she seems to be with guys.. tuesday 10th march managed to gym in the morning, then eco tute, but spent a bit too long in gym so was rushing on the way to uni. wore diff shorts, so my timetable was in my jeans >< so didnt know where class was.. great.. had to ring sherman to confirm, but as we found out later, we went to the wrong room anyway.. which kinda sux coz knew some ppl in there and got a decent tute question (wk11).. then 1 hr break in quad labs, sherman stayed back a bit, jess was surrounded by the other guy as usual, so couldnt really talk much.. think we did usual newspaper stuff and read up on the 3 hour lecture.. the 3 hour lecture was in the mech eng bldg, far from the quad labs and the bldg is boring and huge, but it didnt matter coz i was alone with her =) got some quality time with her, always feels like theres something more, but gotta remind myself to be wait patiently, last thing i want is for her to get the wrong idea.. so i tried to be a bit detached during the lecture, even tho it felt like she wanted to talk more.. during the break we walked a bit around the bldg just talking abt the holidays and her "drinking" experience, which was 1 glass of pina colada, heh cute. so i had to share my drinking story from the beach house, was a bit more than 1 glass and i had to leave some details out coz i wasnt exactly proud or remember? some of what happened, just that it was a great night and everyone was a bit too happy haha. so we ended up goin back to the lecture and somehow we came to decide we wanted to present for week 2 (which starts tmr..great) but better get it over n done with..then we caught the metro 10 bus coz she was goin townhall to bus it home since it would be too late for her parents. on the bus we exchanged mp3s, cant remember why. altho it took some convincing to listen to hers (i dont know why, but it felt a bit weird when she didnt let) but then when she actually did, she then let me listen to this song (Jessica Mauboy - Been Waiting), at first i thought it would be meh ok, but as soon as it came on all the other sounds blocked out and all i could hear was the beat and the lyrics..it was a good song, i think we both liked it for the beat, but what caught me was the lyrics, i couldnt help but realise it was a song abt what was happening to me right now, and maybe her as well? so it hit me hard a bit, and i couldnt help but think...was she trying to send me a sign? i was really stumped, if this was something or i was just making it out to be something..i reasoned with it oculdnt be because shes always talkin abt jason and seems to be more interested in dean, but yeah it didnt help my situation =/ wednesday 11th march gymed in the morning. so today was the day she wanted to try breakdancing, but i couldnt since it clashed with my maths =/ but she ended up not goin and apparently she doesnt want the other guy to watch her? i dont know what to make out of that.. maths was interesting, managed to get a spot at the back next to these two international students. new to australia and into mountain biking, surfing and want to see more of sydney, so i might take em out one time when were all free, tourist style so they can get some more out of australia, just need to get this huge workload done first..oh and bumped into niance and steph after. and apparently alice saw me in the maths lecture tho missed her coz i was sorta late. thursday 12th march morning gym, gotta keep the routine up if i wanna get somewhere ;) maths tute was good, met some white dude, and there was some hot chick who came late but there was some dude in between us. tho might say hi next time, never know could be something in it =) tutor is good, knows her stuff well and doesnt waffle on. econ lecture was good, always interesting, probly the best subject this sem, makes me wanna change to a comm degree, still considering it. then got some books and homed it. friday 13th march went uni in the morning, to work on presentation. ofcourse she wasnt alone when i got there. so i had to endure the trio thing for awhile, tho we talked a bit and showed her a few things, and we had a nice lil notepad convo, which was cute. ended up deciding on a code word, which is codeword, which means to change subject coz she theres someone in the room most likely her mum..brought high quality noise cancellation headphones so used that all day, so i could listen to quality music and pretend to not be interested or available to talk haha, i know its stupid, but its better than the alternative and having to listen in on them two talking..got some work done and a few ideas, compiled them for the 2pm meeting with the lecturer. the place was at AGSM which is at the absolute end of campus in a tiny corner.. long walk but didnt mind at all since was just us two, so we got to catch up a bit and talk. she brought some things abt relationships and whether its awkward to be 'coupley' in public and ofcourse non-stop stuff abt jason. we just mucked arnd inside the AGSM bldg, since we had no clue where the lecturers office was. at one point we were asked if were med students haha, oops wrong bldg. finally found the room but lecturer was preoccupied, so we got to chat a bit in the hallway. its cute that she thinks i smell nice, she likes rexona men deo hehe, hey some is better than none =) shes always asking whether she looks good in what she has on that day, ofcourse no matter what she wears she looks good to me, but obviously i cant say that so i just say, u can pull of nearly anything, except what im wearing haha. then she replies that she could pull it off, so i tell her nah not possible lol, that goes on for a bit. she does flirt alot, which took awhile to learn, so its hard to tell whether the interest is genuine or just playful. finally the lecturer let us in, and we tried to sus out every detail abt the presentation while reminding Pradeep Ray (lecturer) that we are beginners and not to kill us. i cant rem what we talked abt on the way back, but it didnt matter as long as we were taking. then back inside we packed up and headed off to the buses. ended up changing queues for buses and nearly missed the bus we got on, it was filling up fast. went townhall but she bought something on the way, so i just stood outside and talkd COD4 with dean, didnt know he played it, atleast we got somethin to talk abt. then when she finally came out and walked past us she looked pissed, i think coz she was late for her train or coz we were busy talking to each other, i dont know which but if she was worried abt being late then why did she stay at the cake store so long? i dunno. trained it to revesby, thaknfully had the decent headphones, so i could relax peacefully. their awesome, and i think coz of them some cute asian chick was looking my way, tho i was too busy thinking abt jess so i just ignored most of it, its interesting how much attention u get when u give less attention, esp unintentionally, i guess its natural because when u dont have that then u instinctively look for it. i dunno what im tlaking abt now coz its past 3am and im so dead for tmr... night gym was good, diff crowd but managed to get alot done in short period of time, trained it home, train at night is always nicer than during the day, everything feels more. felt a bit stupid on the train tho coz i ended up "playing the piano" and mouthing lyrics all the way home, weird ey, felt nice at the time but just feels retarded thinking abt it now. saturday 14th march not much on the weekends, just some catch up and went buffet at bankstown rsl, spent time with family. friend msnd me at night and wasnt feeling the best, his been down all week, problems with his gf so i just listend to what he had to say, i just hope everything turns out for him, his had a harsher week than me and by what he told a complicated holiday. im just glad we could talk abt it, its always better when u talk abt it. after he ended up doin his usual poke arnd to try and sus out that i like her, wanted to talk abt it with him but i dont think it was the right time, also make things more awkward..gosh why does everything have to lead to bein awkward. sunday 15th march at home all day trying to get this presentation done, but ended up playing these new board games with family my auntie got, their so addictive and fun lost track of time..gosh im gonna have to pull an allnighter -.- she called at the end of one noisy game, felt a bit embarassed coz it was so noisy and i wasnt working on the presentation at the time and she seemed really hard working n serious.. so later when i went out for a walk around the block a few times i called her back to just talk, ended up being a bit of an awkward call, my voice felt strained and i think she heard that.. in short i think i shdnt have called, felt even weirder when she said "thanks for calling" gosh i feel like an idiot now.. why did i do that.. and now ive been doing presentation work while also finding new music..i really need to get a proper routine goin for uni. i wonder how this week is gonna turn out. songofthemoment jessica mauboy - been waiting its ironic that she was the one who introduced this song and their first names are the same.. coincidence can be so cruel. "Wanna tell you but I can't find the words to say, So afraid if I do things will never be the same, Don't wanna lose a friend but why should I pretend, That I don't love you when I've waited so long,"

nearly 4 months since last post, heh looking back it makes me laugh to think i never got around to finishing off the last post which was on my bday and the fateful day i had to give the speech for my sisters big 18th. well looking back now on what feels like a very long time ago, i can say i am very proud of the speech i gave, even though i was really really nervous at the time and was pretty sure i was goin to flop it, it was (according to the family relatives and friends in the audience) funny, warming, inspirational, straight from the heart and true, the first few words that came out i rememebr was very hard to get out and didnt feel right but then as i got past the first paragraph it all started to feel natural and i just got into it i spose, anywho it was a great night, i even got a bday shoutout from chris n henry when they went up on stage, which was unexpected yet hilarious in how they did it. the salsa and cha cha we practiced for like a month? was bleh, its true what they say, your best performance is probly goin to be while ur actually practicing it. lets just say we missed a beat while some were still on it and we tried to eh *cough* re-sync again. haha. good times. anyways that was the suppo-sed ending to the prev post, oh and we didnt plan ahead and didnt prepare alcohol for the hotel room afta >< so we had to make do with non-alcoholic fun, ..yay.. since then, man every summer feels like a million things happen. since its nearly 2 am and i have to get up in 5 hours for first day back at uni, ..dbl yay.., well actually it is sorta yay, but ill leave that last. lets see... there was the trip to qld, which awesome, wanna go back there or atleast do all the stuff we did there again, jetski, white water rafting, best italian restaurant in cairns, salsa club, great barrier reef, ocean dive, snorkelling, cruise ship, hours on the bus just soaking in the northern coast. damn that was a great holiday. chris's 20th @ avalon, cant believe he managed to rent out a beach house for the weekend, that was pretty cool, abt 12 of us? the view was perfect, over looking the beach on the cliff edge, but sucks the beach was closed coz the weather was pouring during that time, ah well nfl at avalon beach was still ok. thankfully one of the girls knew how to cook, delicious food thruout, although she was cooking mostly so peeled like a mountain of potatoes just to help out a bit, and ended up being on washing machine clean up duty since somebody put dishwashing liquid instead of the tablet haha something for the future. second night was the best, alcohol. everyone was a bit more "joyful" after a few alcohol games, ofcourse there was i never, which was a lil embarassing but some of it was like hahaomg, lets just say someones been somewhere and someones done something, classic. omg and whoevers idea it was to play charades, by that time i think we were mostly gone, i know i was a lil, i cant remember much, but i do remember losing my footing walking toward a door haha, and then getting the big huge boucy ball on my head seconds later trying to get up, omg i think i was a bit wasted for a period of time, shame haha. best weekend yet. apart from the usual tennis and gym here n there, i think that was the highlights of this summer, or atleast the ones i can remember. now its march 9 2009, and uni is back, sigh and hmmm. well seeing her atleast was worth coming to uni. but now i dont what im to do..i guess its just hard to not do anything abt it. i dont wanna lose a friend, but i also dont wanna be saying what if down the road. my mind knows theres probly nothing i can do or say, but ill keep on chasing pavements =) song of the moment: adele - chasing pavements