I wish I could understand why people hurt themselves. Human nature is the most fascinating subject for me. Really I want to study it. I will be studying it. Really I'm still shaken that he doesn't like me anymore. As a friend I mean, even though we used to be more. He drove past me today, but I was driving the other way and he didn't see me. Really I miss his friendship. I just don't understand it, and it kills me. I'm afraid to ask why, I'm afraid of the answer. I think I'm afraid because I know why, I just don't want to hear it from him. We used to be so perfect.

Sometimes I remember when my brother tried to kill himself. It's the worst memory I can imagine. Every now and then I start thinking about my brother, and how he is doing, then I remember seeing him in the hospital. In that horrible room, down that dismal hallway with all the sad people. "I woke up and cursed because somehow I was still alive" From the outside, my brothers life looks perfect. We understand each other so well because we are basicly the same person, and have had almost all the same experiences. I can't help but always worry about him. My brother and my grandparents are my favourite people in the world. I don't know what I would do without them.

I don't want to die.

camping was so much fun. I love camping. Driving the hippy van was great. the campsite was real nice too, it was right by a lake and we went swimming. We didn't even drink and it was so fun. We played poker and had campfires and made pancakes and stuff. So hesh. The guy I like called me while we were camping, which made me feel good. And my friend that just moved out of town sent me a text just to say hi. Seriously the last couple days were so good.

I really love my gram. I can't imagine the day when she won't be here. I never want her to leave. Last night I went to his house again. I really like him so so much. He is such a sweet guy. Like hes polite. He got so many texts and phonecalls, but he didnt even take the time to read them or answer the calls. He's the sort of guy that gives you his whole attention, and makes you feel special and wanted. Really I actually like him. I dont want to though, I know he isnt perfect, and he has played girls a lot in the past. But I still just can't stop thinking about him. I'm going camping with a few of my best friends for a couple of nights. It should be tons of fun. We are going to drive my hippy van, which should be hilarious.

I'm starting to feel derpressed again. I thought I was done with depression for good, it's been a while. Even during finals when I was stressed out I was fine. Now it's summer and I wake up with that horrible sinking feeling of dread in the mornings, for no reason. I'm really shaken about that guy I though I was friends with though. It's really getting to me. I guess I never saw it coming. He used to tell me all the time that I was one of his best friends, that no one could ever replace me. How I was so fun to hang out with, how he had wanted to ask me out. We had so many inside jokes. I just dont know what I did. I havn't even talked to him. It just ended. This sort of thing usually doesnt upset me.

So him and I were close friends. We were never actually anything more, even though all our friends thought he liked me and I like him. I wasnt sure if I did or not, but we hung out and flirted alot. I thought we got along pretty well. Apparently not because all of a sudden he doesnt even like me as a friend anymore. Why not? Really I'm hurt.

I really really like him. I really do! Really really for real.

I try to be non judgemental. Really I do, but I hate trashy people. Loud, mouthy, rude, ignorant, skanky people. Fuck them. I'm sorry. I never want to be seen as trashy. I suppose people have different definitions of trashy.

I cant get him out of my head. Gosh. Now the guy that I like for the longest time is always talking to me and wanting to chill, and I hardly like him as a friend anymore. He far too full of himself.