I believe this entry will be read by outside parties, which is good. I have not kept a journal entry here in quite some time. I simply have not had the mental and emotional wherewithal to do so. Many things have happened over the last many months. I lost my old job at GIKI, the non-profit organization I worked for. I was just shy of my one-year. I was fired for absenteeism, which was largely due to my needing to take time off to attend meeting for my son (parent/teacher, evaluations for therapy, drug services, etc). I suppose I missed a lot of time, but in any event, I was fired because I have a life and son who demanded my attention, and my job was not the #1 love of my life. Stop reading this: go see "Falling Down" with Michael Douglass. Then come back. All done? Good. That is how I feel about that old job. Good thing I don't have access to military grade weaponry. In any event, I went back to my old temp agency, and in a day, they hooked me up with a company in December, and I've just recently been taken on as a full-time permanent with them. It's not quite the "dream job", but really, what is? At least I'll have fewer financial burdens on my mind. My former roommate did in fact get moved to the West Coast. She's doing well enough. I moved out of my old apartment, in which I had lived for some 14 years. My ex-wife and I had moved in there in 1992 with my baby son. That apartment saw us through almost our entire marriage, and our eventual separation/divorce. I am in the same area, although a nicer neighborhood, and with the rent being split with my old/new roommate (I'll explain later) and my new job status, things ought to be looking up. I have not been keeping up with my Live Journal either, but I check in on occasion there as well. I had begun the Strange Adventures of Johnathan Violent, but had only done a couple of entries. I have decided to make these entries at songmenaings available to someone for my benefit, and to enable a deeper understanding of what the hell is the matter with me. No, we aren't dating, but our relationship will be an intensely intimate one, if definitively brief. I may well attempt to maintain the discipline of journal writing again. It remains to be seen how successful I am, or am not. Ultimately, the proof of this is yet to be proven. Follow the Favorites: enjoy the ride.

It was earlier this week I had a Close Encounter. No, not with an extra-terrestrial, but of another, more sensual kind. Otherwise, not much else has changed since my last posting. My son is still MIA, and I'm working on that as best I can. And, on the home-front, it seems some things are simply never going to change. Not that I want them too: I just thought they would, and I was wrong. Well-Done is Half-Begun.

Not entirely sure how I missed aday of journal-entry, but I did somehow. In any event, It's not like I have a lot to report: my life can get pretty bland at times. I wish there were more going on at times, but I would also want to have total control of those types of things. Not a realistic assessment of living, to be sure. No one can control all the little details, the day-to-day challenges and situational challenges that rise up in our paths. Maybe I should be thankful for slow, quiet days, except I spend time worrying that the calm is just the lull before the storm hits. I'm coming to the conclusion that I am suffering from a form of depression, and the thought makes me sick to my stomach with dread. I'm 40, a single parent with a teenager who has emotional issues of his own, and the most dysfunctional family relationship there can be. I blame no one for the mess of my life but me. I am not educated, and it is by my own doing. I am not financially secure, and this is by my own doing. I am divorced, and I had everything to do with that. There is no force in the Universe to take blame here, but me. I try not to lapse into self-pity, but it is hard not to at times. Sometiomes, you don't even recognize self-pity for what it is. You get too caught up in self-loathing, and self-destruction, and miss the Pity part. Well, this is not where I thought my journal entry would go today, but here it is. Maybe I should listen to some music to lighten my spirits. I know better than to keep Jesus And Mary Chain at work, and I try to avoid Love & Rockets, Bauhaus, Smiths, Sisters Of Mercy, Joy Division, Ministry, or New Order while I am work as well. I really need to turn myself around before the Holidays hit, or I am going to become dangerously close to being a Holiday statistic.

Another week is upon us. So far, things are off to a "normal" start: the Boy got on the bus to school (where hopefully, he will behave himself), I made it into work ontime, and the day is progressing at a normal pace. Let's see if it'll stay that way. Had a fairly pleasant weekend: could have been better, but it could also have been much much worse.

Well, October is creeping along, slowly and steadily. New situations seem to crop up every day, and unresolved ones sit and stink like rotten eggs in the July sun. I can't decide if I'm in a depression, or if I'm simply getting lazy about living. If I were truly depressed, shouldn't I have more self-destructive or even suicidal feelings and thoughts? Maybe I'm using depression as an excuse because I'm feeling overwhelmed and unable at times to cope. I try to make myself keep up on things, like dishes, trash, cleaning my bathroom, stuf like that, just to keep me from letting all that stuff slide. At times, I don't even want to read my beloved comic collection. I bought a box and 100 bags-&-boards yesterday, and totally used them all, which means it's been over a month since I last took care of those things,which is particularly odd since I've been cutting down on the titles I read. I think I may need help sorting out my head, and I'm rational enough to ask for it.

Had a good time last night, having dinner with a friend and classmate whom I hadn't seen in over 20 years. She too has gone through some family troubles recently, but things seem to be going well for her at the moment. I am encouraging them to make the most of their vacation here in the Old Dominion. My apartment is a mess in preparation for work on my ceilings to repair a water leak, and clean away black mold. I slept on my couch as a result of having my entire closet on my bed. The situation with my son is still largely heart-rending and frustrating. He was behaved well enough at dinner, and we enjoyed a moment watching the King Kong cartoon series from my childhood. Work is work: maddening at moments, frustrating at other moments. Hectic and stressful.

Missed yesterday, and not entirely inadvertantly. Been feeling very stressed and depressed. Having issues with my 14 year-old, and they are escalating. He seems to be both willing and able to push my buttons, and his passive aggressiveness towards me has grown hostile. At times, he's daring me to lash out so he can take some osrt of action. It's hard to watch your Baby go through this sort of thing. I can't describe what it is like to look at the face of the little angel and see a smug arrogant smirk as he taunts you into violent inaction and seems to delight in my frustration. I've had a few other elements contribute to what is building into a massive depression. At this moment, I seem to be able to stay rational more often than not, and am trying to set up a safety valve and support system so I don't end up on the ropes, or on the edge, or worse. My situation at home isn't all bad: I do have good friends who are caring and supportive.

Once again, I am at a cross-roads with my son, and I am simply going to have to reach out for help if I am going to salvage, repair, re-build and strengthen our relationship at all.

I am not in fact superstitious about Friday The 13Th. I have no desire to dwell on the negative portions of the night before. Just know there were some, and they involved my teenaged son. I did however have a wonderful night of sleep. I held onto a vision; a dream. A living dream, and it sustained me in a period of darkness. The morning came all too quickly.

Spent a good part of last night going over some old drawing I did in an Expressive Therapy group back in my high school years. I had the opportunity to to take Expressive Therapy during my year as an in-patient at a psychaitric treatment center, during my Sophmore year. My Junior year was spent in a bad place, while my Senior year crashed and burned. In any event, I was able to revisit some of my youth, and relive some memories; some good, some bad, many bittersweet. It was a good way to remember who I was then, and how far along I'd come in life, and yet sometimes, not so far at all. So many things transpired in life for me that year (including: my first kiss, my first "second base" score, my first real girlfriend, my first betrayal by a real girlfriend, and more). I had to learn to cope with loss, rejection, defeat, and inevitability. I had occasions to try and fail, and occasions to learn too late that I might have tried elsewhere, if only I had known better. (for the record of my life, Karen, I'm sorry I found out too late: I'm sure we'd have been good. Fonda, I'm sorry we found out 11 months too late that we had a spark.) Okay, enough looking back: Going Forward.