The Book of Nook

Oh, shit, let's play Animal Crossing now
Come on everybody, I'll show you how
Now listen real close, I'mma tell you the sitch
'Cause my name is Tom Nook and I run this bitch
Congratulations, you bought a new home
Oh, you can't afford it? I can give you a loan
You can catch some bugs 'til the debt's been paid
'Cause you're the newest member of my slave trade
That's right motherfucker, this shit got real
I rule this crossing with my balls of steel
I also like to rule it with huge-ass guns
And Timmy and Tommy, my giant mongoloid sons
Kapp'n the turtle's gonna be your new guide
He can show you where the people who have crossed me died
So give me your bells and don't misbehave
Or I'll get Mr. Resetti to fucking dig you a grave
Animal Crossing, Animal Crossing
Is not a place you wanna fuck around
Now you're in Nook's town
Where crazy shit goes down
So sell seashells and make some bells
And shut your fucking mouth
Animal Crossing, Animal Crossing
This is his land
Now taste the back of his pimp hand
His balls are brass
And he's the mayor of your fucking ass
Damn, that's right, slut
You got one choice, bow down or get cut
You better recognize the tanuki tycoon
And my thug-life gang of adorable goons
My owl assassin with a little bow tie
You don't matter to Blathers, he'll make your ass die
He'll tell you 'bout insects, letters and numerals
And he'll get K.K. to fucking sing at your funeral
Kicks sells shoes and he doesn't take sass
Only boots I'll use when I stomp your ass
Brewster serves you coffee and scones
And stabs your neck if you don't pay my loan
So sell some shit to my alpacas down south
And if you don't, I'll-pack-a my nuts in your mouth
You want in this town, you better bring some bells
Or I'll cock the Glock and fucking send you to Hell!
Yeah!
What, you don't like my prices? Then go somewhere else!
Oh wait, you can't! You're trapped in my town, bitch!
So go to that island and catch some beetles, sell them to my alpacas
Your nuts are on special!