Jack vs. Joe

Well I stepped off the bus in Memphis
And stumbled into the first saloon I could find
I bellied-up to the rail and summoned my barkeep
I ordered up tequila, some salt and a lime

And she said "Son, you ain't from around here, is you?"
And I said politely, "No, no ma'am I ain't"
She said, "Sonny, let me give you a little bit of friendly Southern advice
We don't use that junk around here for nothing 'cept well maybe, thinning out paint"

And she said "Son, Why don't you just take a look around and tell me what you see?"
Well I saw a lot of white-felt Stetson hats and gatorskin boots
You know and every Southern man who had a lady on his arm was drinking whiskey.

So I said, "I do not wish to be out of order ma'am. I am not a tramp or a bum.
The dusty Mexican borderlands are where I have just come from.
And with all due respect and deference, tequila is my preference."

So she said "Relax honey, you know I would never treat you wrong."
And then she poured me up 3 fingers of that old number 7
She said "Rest assured darlin' if we're drinkin' it down here in Dixie,
That's cause that's what they're pourin' up in heaven."

And I said "Ma'am, your hospitality is well intentioned
Yes I know you mean to treat me well.
It's just that where I come from (born and raised in Arizona don't you know), me and my Friends be more likely to be found drinking what they serve down in hell."

And she said "Son, why don't you just take a look around and tell me what you see?"
Well I saw a lot of furrowed brows under them white-felt Stetson hats
And every Southern man who had a lady on his arm was looking kinda angry

So I said "I do not wish to be out of order gents. I am not a tramp or a bum.
The dusty Mexican borderlands are where I have just come from.
And with all due respect and deference, tequila is my preference."

So she said "Hey look you little polecat, you better knock that whiskey back
Before us Southern folks get angry and we come and skin you to the bone
And I ain't exactly sure how that old saying goes, boy, but I do know it underscores the fact.
You best be drinking what the Romans drink when you're drinking down in Rome."

And I said "Ma'am, I can see that you just do not understand,
And I've been trying to get a proper drink out of this bar now the WHOLE DAMN NIGHT.
So kindly set me up that tequila, honey, and let me get it into my blood
And I will take you and your whiskey-sipping, Southern boys up on that there fight.”

And she said "Son, why don't you just take yourself a look around, and tell me what you see?"
Well I saw a lot of grinding teeth, and I saw a lot of clinching fists out there
And every Southern man who once was over there sitting at the bar was up and coming after me

So I said "I do not wish to be out of order here, gentlemen
I am not a tramp, and I am not a bum.
The dusty Mexican borderlands are where I have just come from and with all due respect and deference, Yeah with all due respect and deference….with all due respect and deference...

Gentlemen kindly do not throw me out ass backwards for hankerin'
For a less-civilized spirit. Why don't I just mosey on along
And find my tequila on my waaaaay,
Back...west

A Dios rogando y con el mazo dando. Katie bar the
Door, pass the gunpowder, and praise the Lord,
And as I make haste yet slowly to mis amigos you
May deem lowly and unholy, I will tell them what
I've learned. Though I've been gulagged and I've
Been spurned, si a Roma fueres haz como vieres,
Or when in Rome, do as the Romans do. But
Memphis, why not try something new and when the
Barbarians arrive here at your gate, treat us not
With fear and hate, for we come, not to conquer,
Or be rude, but to raise a glass and say, "Salúd!"