Having a hard day. Mikes being complicated and making me feel like I am too clingy, but in all honestly, we have barely said anything all day. So I am just not going to say anything at all until he says something. Patrick is asking me to come back down to RI and unless he picks me up or I take a train back down there for a night and stay with him, I can't get to him. He has a car, he can use it to come see me if I actually mean as much as he says I do. Zac is being chill. I can't wait to take a break from the bullshit to hang out with him. Tomorrow hopefully after work. Working 6am to 3 tomorrow, and I am exhausted. Suppose I will be off to bed.

For all of you who don't know, things are up and down with me. I'm home on vacation, which is great. Me and Patrick aren't working out. No relationship there. He just wants a physical relationship. I've been trying to focus on myself, and mending relationships that I have lost before. So far it's pretty good. I started talking to Mike, who I haven't talked to in months, long story. I think it is perfect timing cause my relationship with Patrick failed, and his relationships with a girl just failed. I missed him. He is actually moving to RI, 20 minutes from my school next year. Crazy coincidence.

No more loathing my own body. If I want a change I need to make it happen. No more excuses. I'm not doing this for mom. I'm not doing it to get more attention. I am not doing this to get guys. I am doing this for me, and to make my stop hating myself. I cried for a few minutes today, but never again. No more tears.

Feeling sick again. This isn't working out for me. Seriously God, fix this.

For those of you, who haven't been keeping up with my journal since I first got it, you have no idea what is happening. I talk about being pregnant, and fear is not in my voice. It is not in my writing. I have been through this before. Three years ago in January, I had a miscarriage. It was the second time that I had ever had sex, and I got pregnant. It was terrifying then, but I miscarried. I never thought that miscarrying would hurt so badly, but it did. I woke up covered in more blood than a gunshot wound. I couldn't even stand up. I remember waking up in pain. It felt like I was being stabbed over and over and over again in my lower stomach. I rolled out of bed and stumbled across my room and down the hall to my bathroom. There was so much blood. I just got over that night. It took more than a year. I know what my body feels like when something is wrong. After this long, three years so date, it is happening again. That is why I write so much about Patrick. About him not answering, or blowing me off. He is 24 years old, and I am 19, and we have a child on the way. He hasn't given me the time of day to tell him. He hasn't been remotely there. I know that he doesn't want this, and nor do I. I know what I have to do because I cannot support this baby. I cannot finish college with this baby. I cannot maintain a military career with this baby. I just thought that Patrick has the right to know. The right to know that he has created something, even if he doesn't want it. This is going to be a tough break, but I know what I need to do. I'm sorry if I offend any pro-life believers. This is something that has to be done for me, and it by law is my choice. Thank you to those who will support me.

On pregnancy. Looking over all of the early symptoms, and I feel the majority of them. I noticed all of them since last Wednesday in full effect. I have to wait til Tuesday or wednesday to take the test though. Since I am broke and all. Christine said she would front me the money til I get paid, or I am sure Becca would do the same. Fuck.

I understand that it is finals week, and you are a grad student and are busy but how can you expect me to go out of my way, take off from work, drive two hours to Rhode Island, and fuck you, when you can't even make time to spend with me when we are both here? I need you right now. I need you more than you even know because you won't take the time to talk to me for more than 5 minutes. I can't do this over texts. You text me like once a day anyways. I need to do this in person but you can't make time to see me. This is something that will change both of our lives, and you don't even realize that it will. You don't even realize that I need to speak with you, and it's important. Please. Please just stop. Stop for two minutes and let me in. I am not religious, but I am going to pray tonight. Pray that this isn't happening to me. Pray that this isn't happening again. Pray that I don't have to deal with the physical and emotional pain of losing it again.

I woke up to a text this morning, from Patrick. "You want me, you don't want me. You will come down, you won't come down... You're confusing." ^ACTUALLY. I have made it very clear that I want you. Not only do I want you physically. but emotionally. I want to BE with you. I will come down to see you, if you make it worth my time. School is two hours away from my hometown. I don't want to come down only to stay for an hour then leave. I want something with you. I want something real with you.

What I really want tonight, is for Patrick to come over. Jess is going out to a party later, so I am here by myself. I asked him this morning to hang out, watch a movie and stuff. He didn't give me an answer. If I don't hear from him by 8 then it's probably not going to happen. I've been sending him like texts about how badly I want him all afternoon, so hopefully he will see them and come over. It also the last time I am going to see him before I leave for break, which really sucks. I am praying to God that I hear from him. I need to cuddle. I've got a ton on my mine, mostly not getting my period though. He's the only person I have been with, so if something is going on, it's his, and we kinda gotta talk about it. If I don't get my period by Christmas, there is a problem. I've been nauseous the past few days, which made me really start thinking about it. Im hoping that nothing is going on though. I really really hope that he texts me back. Praying for it actually.

Me and my roommate aren't speaking anymore. I have tried to but she is too cool for me now I suppose. It's alright though, I'm not very fond of her either. I think that now that she has friends, she talks badly about me behind my back to her new friends. I just didn't think that she would be that kind of person who forgets who was there for her when nobody else was. I'm so happy that I am leaving in 5 more days. I leave in the afternoon, and I will take the majority of my things. I will drive back on the 18th, and see if things are better with us. Maybe I will even drive us off campus to dinner or something if I have money. If we still are like this, I will just sleep, take my final and pack up the rest of my things, and go home. I even offered to drive her half way to New York, because I know that her mom is sick and can't get her. But I suppose that it doesn't really matter now. Maybe if she decides to stay in the dorm, after break we will get along better. I needa make some changes with myself. Get up out of my depression. Hopefully that will happen over our time apart.