I find it so difficult to not harbor anger toward certain people. It pisses me off beyond belief when I see people that have wronged me and turned others against me doing well. I'm selfish. I know this. Ugh. I just need new people but the same shit always happens. Fuck that. What am I saying? I do have great friends who do care and whom I love. They are amazing. I'm only complaining about three specific people who seriously need a punch to the fucking teeth. Sorry, I'm a bit passionate about this and won't talk about it with anyone because I try not to let myself talk shit. BUT These three (more so two but the third is being manipulated by them) really, truly, goddamn sincerely need a punch to the fucking teeth. Whew. Needed to get that out. Fuck them. Some people are just bad and I've met some of the rare few. Unrelated note: I'm still holding out hope with this crush but my dumb mind is already getting in the way. Telling me there's no use. Oh well. Fuck my mind. I'm going to give it a shot and see. Anyway. That was all weird and straight up word vomit.

So, that crush I was talking about gave me her number tonight. That was pretty exciting. We talked for a bit online and texted some. Hopefully there'll be a party or something this weekend that we both end up at. She seems super cool and she's stunningly pretty. Here's to possibilities.

I officially have a crush. Like, a sappy, stupid crush. I actually really like this feeling. I haven't had a "crush" since high school. This is really neat.

She is so pretty but it's so hard to talk to her. She's friends with my friends but we rarely "hang out" and I refuse to start conversation through facebook. Sorry for the rant(s). I'm a tad drunk. I love my two best friends. I wish I was better at talking to girls though... even though my friends always come to me for girl advice because they seem to think I'm a ladies man and for some reason, the advice I give them works but I can't follow my own words.

I often realize how much I long for a female companion when I'm drunk. Must keep composure though. Friends rely on me. Must stay strong. Show no weakness.

I am laughably pathetic. Keeping a chat open with a girl I find adorable only to see if she starts to type to me. I'm laughing at myself.

She is adorable and would rather watch Lord of the Rings than go out. I must know her more.

I really need to stop being so anxious over things that couldn't matter less. It's so draining. Welp, I've been down for the past week or so for some reason but I now realize how pointless it was. So, so pointless. I've got my whole life to look forward to. So what if my anxiousness and tendency for depression is genetic. I control my moods. I am going to be happy. I am happy happy. People continuously talk shit? Take it stride. Evaluate and move on. No point in dwelling. Move on and move up. Be positive. Be strong. Be happy. Be alive. It's the perfect time to live and love today. Smile.

I dreamt that we fucked again the other night and it made me miss you. I don't know how I feel toward you but I do know I'm lonely. I do miss our connection but not our relationship. We worked well at the beginning but toward the end it was just awful. I am really lonely but I'm scared of settling. No real opportunities have presented themselves and I'm finding that I'm sleeping a lot less and keeping to myself a lot more. I hope this passes. I'm tired. I am really, really tired. Tired of not sleeping. Tired of sleeping alone. Tired of feeling... indifferent. Numb. Welcome back, old friend. It's been a while.

I am not the piece of shit that you think I am. I will never trust you three. I've made that mistake too many times.