I need a break.

I need to scream.

My head is throbbing.

It needs to cease.

This weight that I bury.

I should fucking carry.

But goddammit I'm sick.

Of explaining myself.

I do not have friends.

I only have stress.

This hate in my chest.

And my life seems a mess.

So fuck what I'm told.

I know that I'm stong.

I don't give a shit.

I'm pissed and you're wrong.

So fuck what they say.

And fuck what I don't.

I don't need a soul.

Especially yours.

I cannot get one damn night.

Not one goddamn night to just be.

To sit in an empty house without anyone.

Fuck.

Seriously, you are an obstruction.

A cyst to the couch and a burden to my psyche.

I will lose my mind if I do not receive the isolation I am longing for.

Fuck.

Do something.

Anything.

Just not here.

For the love of God.

Not here. 

Getting blatanlty made fun of to my face.
Real hard not to react.
Tell me I am the bigger man for not lashing out.

You are.

Ugh.
Ugh.
Fuck.
Thanks.

This past week has been bliss. There have been hurtles. There has been some pain and stress. But I am with you. You are with me. We are happy. I am happy. Love. It's been said and usually it would terrify me and feel way too soon but you make me feel grounded, secure. I'm not sure exactly what love is. I'm not sure exactly what it really means but I love you. I really do.

I smile. Her eyes meet mine and I cannot look away. I try to hold back but just can't. All this time just wanting you. I cannot hold it back any longer. I hold your hand. I smile, as do you. This is bliss. This is me content. I know nothing of the future but to live in the past, in that night; last night, would be a marvelous life. "She is happy when she is with me and I am, I am finally alive."

Getting hopes up for nothing. Reading into everything. Constantly dreaming of laying with her in the most innocent sense. Longing. These long nights of longing.

"I am not your friend. I am just a man who knows how to feel. I am not your friend. I'm not your lover. I'm not your family. Yeah."

I'm really not good at being single. It's been a while since my last relationship and I just don't like being without someone to hold. Kind of a bummer.

Tonight was the first time I felt infinite. Though it was interrupted by an important phone call and some irritated friends, those moments standing in the sun roof while blasting Say Anything meant the world to me. I've never quite felt that before. It's strange but it was just the perfect moment. I'll cherish it forever. I hope.

I want a normal life with my wife. Threesomes are not. Twenty partners are not. I feel content with what I've done. I hope you do as well. Sex is not a recreational activity. As much as I miss it, sex is not something I live for. Sorry. I'm not a "man". I don't want to fuck everything. It means something to mean.