Why can't anybody love me? Why can't anybody just care? I am in the most pain I have been in, in a long time and nobody cares. Why can't I have a mother that loves me? And a father that's always around? Why can't anybody help me? Why can't anybody help me.. Well Septembers here and my friends have moved on.

I want to kill myself. Period.

So I am off to the beach this morning, it should be buckets of fun. Me and Rachel are going for a little while. The summer is over and I have only been to the beach once, THIS NONSENSE WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN! If you don't expect that much from me, you might not be let down.

I did something. Maybe I shouldn't have said it but I couldn't help it.

I am going to find you Ryan and Sean, that's a fact. And when I do, you are going to be sorry for what you have done. Don't speak again, I'm still waiting for my turn.

I am really upset. It was an alright day, but then it turned into crap. Mike got into a car accident on the highway. The car is totaled. My mom is constantly freaking out at me. I don’t know what to do. I was trying to tell Alex but he isn’t around to talk. She is yelling at me for all these things I have no control over. I can’t do anything right, not ever. I made Mac and Cheese for my brother and sister, two boxes. I get yelled at because my sister decides to eat something else after I have finished cooking it. So for my punishment I have to eat all that is left. One, I don’t like Mac and Cheese, and two; it makes me sick because I am allergic to dairy. My mom doesn’t care about that though. She doesn’t care that I am literally allergic to Mac and Cheese, she wants me to die. I walked over to talk to my Nana for the first time in a week and a half and I get screamed at for “missing” a phone call when the phone didn’t even ring! I don’t know what to do. I am emotional and I am just looking for help. I was so desperate that I asked Andrew what he was doing tonight, so that when my mom left for Vermont I had a shoulder to cry on. I don’t have a shoulder to cry on though, nobody cares enough about me to be there for me. And I'm contemplating suicide.

I have never felt so used in my life. Somewhere out there is probably in pieces.

So my mom is out of town and I am home alone. I went to the mall and came home around 9 and there were cars parked all along my house. Mike had people over and it was fine. I invited my friends over too. I was going to have the girls stay over and leave in the morning but my mom tweaked cause I can't lie to her and I sent them home. There is so much more to it, but I can't explain it. Andrew and Kris were going to drop Kellie off at home so she wouldn't get in trouble and then come back and get me and take me out. But I couldn't go. I don't want to be in trouble anymore. I just can't wait until next summer, when I get to stay out and have my own place. I can have people over whenever I want all the time. I wish I was 18 and I had my own place. Follow your heart.

Mike bailed on me. He told me to take the car at 5 and then tells me he is using it until 5:30. The times comes and he calls and says he won't let me take it til 7. Which fucking blows because I was meeting people up there at 5:30. So it's going to fucking suck for me, being alone at the mall. Plus I get to pay for gas for Mike cause he's a dick. I'm learning what it's like to die on the outside.

My mom and Nana are away for the weekend, so I have the house to myself. Mike is letting me use his car tonight so I am going up to the mall with some friends. There really isn't anything much to talk about. Nothing is really going on. So I'll catch up with you later. Truth is not a secret.