I am having a good day today. All I have to do for the rest of the day/night is do my homework :) But I really don't want to....so I probably won't til later lol. Haven't talked to Kevin all day, it kinda bugs me but I'm thinking if he wants to talk he will text me, or if he wants a picture lol. I love my friends :D

I am so confused about Kevin :( He tells me he likes me and he wants to date me and all this stuff but when I send him a text just asking a question he can't take the time to respond. I hate being ignored. I hate how he doesn't want to talk to me. I feel like he isn't even interested but he keeps saying he is. I just wish he would take the time to talk to me, at least at night when neither of us are doing anything. I want a relationship. I want one with him. I messaged Alex on facebook today. I told him that I deleted his number from my phone and I no longer have it memorized. We aren't friends on facebook anymore and we barely go on myspace so we probably won't end up talking there. I told him that I can't say that I love him anymore cause it hurts too much to know that he doesn't want me in his life anymore as it is. Between Kevin and him I just want to cry. Cry my eyes out. I want to feel loved, and I don't. Maybe that's why I want to have sex all the time. For however long the sex lasts, I feel loved and cared about. When I would hang out with Alex that's how I would feel. When I hang out with Kevin that's how I feel. But when neither of them talk to me I am sort of lost. School is stressing me out like crazy. I want to just be in college and not deal with all of this anymore. But most of all, I want is Kevin to talk to me. All I need is for somebody to talk to me, and I'll be okay.

So I am off to do some shopping this morning, getting ready for school. My first actual school day is on Wednesday but I am a peer cousilor at school so I am going in today for a meeting, and then I have to go back a day early, tomorrow, to show all of the freshman around. It's the start of senior year. I am fairly excited but I have tons to do this year. I have to apply to college within the next couple months, keep up with all my school work, my honors classes and my AP classes. I have to work and save literally all my money for a car to go up and see Kevin. Also I have to save for college expenses and for the Senior trip :) It's going to go by fast. I am going to soak up every minute of it.

I hung out with Kevin last night :) Olivia got out of work at 9:30 so around 10 we started our hour long drive up to NH. When we picked him up I watched him walk out of his house and he just looked gorgeous. We went over to this guy Mark's house and hung out with Mark, Baker, Mat, Kevin and a couple girls. Later another guy Mark came with his friend Persia. It was fun. We played pool until 1AM then went to the lake. I didn't get any alone time with Kevin though :( So around 4AM we drove back to Kevin's house to drop him off so I walked him to the door. It was a little awkward at first but as we finally got up to the door he turned around and wrapped his arms around my back and started kissing me :D He is perfect. Like physically, and emotionally. We have been texting all day today and I was going to go see him again tonight but I am grounded for the night. UHG. We are going to hang out next weekend since it is a long weekend and I plan on holding his hand :) I am a sucker for hand holding. I asked him today, based off of first impression if he would still date me, and he said yes! :D I am just looking forward to seeing him next weekend because I am hoping that maybe he will ask me to be his girlfriend :) And I think he will.

I am waiting to go to a party this afternoon. I was supposed to hang out with Kevin but it turns out he had football and doesn't get out until 5. It would be pointless for him to drive a hour and a half to come down here then. Instead, I am trying to get him to come tomorrow. I was looking on his facebook and I am already getting jealous of what other girls say to him. I really hate it when I get jealous. But she was talking about he has to go and see her and in my mind I was screaming "Fuck off girl, not until he comes to see me." He wants to date me but I don't trust many people. I get sort or paranoid and scared that I am being played. He told me he would never do that to me. I don't know what to believe.

Olivia+ Me+ Becca+ driving down Amherst St.+ dancing my ass off= one great night.

I have yet to finish my AP European History homework, and it is due on Wednesday...damn. So I need to finish writing my essay today, this weekend, and monday. Good news!- Last night I got my phone back. I was trying to get Kevin to meet me at Canobie Lake Park last night but he couldn't get there :( He said he didn't know about hanging out this weekend either cause his cars transmition is about to go. So I am trying to get him to ask Victor to drive, that way he can still come and me and Becca will have something to do :) Kevin said he'd come with me to Canobie Lake Park for Screamfest :D I let him know in advance that I LOVE scary things but I always need something to hold onto when I am there lol. As long as I have his hand I will be happy :) He sent me a picture and when I opened it I was looking at his face then looked down to his perfectly buff body and then even farther....it was a nude. I just stared at it lol. I'm not a girl who really needs sex. Honestly, I'd rather just hold onto somebody than have sex for the rest of my life. He is just like the picture of perfection to me. He couldn't be any more attractive, he couldn't be any sweeter. Another note; So today I am starting my diet :) I've done it before and in the first few weeks I lose 15 pounds! It is so easy too, I love it.

Mayday Parade is hands down the best band to listen to when you are crying.- Not that I'm crying lol I am just saying I usually listen to it when I am sad. One word left to say: Kevin!