I'm so scared for some reason I keep having strange images that they'll be another holocaust. I sound crazy and physcotic I know but still they keep coming to me. Its scary I don't like it could it actually be true. Maybe I'm paranoid but I fear its going to be all across north america and the worst part is it'll only be towardz gay people. That scares the hell out of me! I know what your thinking how can you trust a paranoid teen who believes he'll die when he's fifteen. It seems weird but still I believe its going to happen. I'm so stupid I mean it seems impossible but still. To my readers please don't think I'm crazy I just simply have my beliefs just like anyone else. That's all =]

For me its gonna be a long long way to happy. Even though I've attepted to destroy my feelings for alex me of all people should know feelings can't just be destroyed. Don't get me wrong I can stop loving alex but its gonna take time. I'm still hurt right now and in a way I'm still speechless. Now I can at least say more than I could ealier. Its like my life is so... I'm not sure its like I have nothing to say. Alex hurt me so much after he claimed he liked me. Its like he's a compulsive liar and I can't tell his truths from his lies anymore. I've bothered so many of my friends about this alex crap. I wish I could apologize to them all and also thank them because they didn't have to listen to me complain and bitc** about something that couldve been avoided. I feel like its impossible for me to ever feel the way I used too. I used to think love was a bunch of bull crap. I didn't think it was real but now I know now I see. Things are different now better? Worse? Thatll be decided whenever I go to sleep and wake up

I'm so... I can't believe! Ugh never again will I give my heart to another person never! I won't make myself look this stupid again.

Is hard. Its always disappointing to me. Almost everything in my life is so gosh dam disappoiting! I always feel like who can understand me? I know drea does but the fact is drea isn't with me 24/7 so without her I'm like hopeless! I know yesmine understands too because well duh she's gay too. I just can't deal with this crap anymore everday I strive so much to be perfect or a perfect christian. Its like it does me no good at all its like the more perfect I try to be the more it blows up in my face. I try everyday to explain to people the same resason I'm gay is the same reason you're straight but all they say is you have a demon spirit in you. I feel so evil when I hear that its like they are telling me I'm controlled and I'm going to hell. Then I was watching narnia prince caspian. At the end of the movie I get really pissed because that's the last movie peter and susan will be in. You can't take two main characters out of a story its just criminal! I just stay so pissed all the time and its like I can't be happy! I don't know how too be happy anymore. I want to talk to alex he was always a good remedy for my problems. Talking to alex always made me so happy and I felt like my problems were gone away! That's why I love alex when I'm around him my life is better. Sure I msy complain about him everyday but those complaints mean nothing to me. How can someone like me be predestined for hell its like be born to burn. Sexuality has always been a major issue for me I'm just so tired of it. Its like my soul has been shattered and yet people continue to tortue it. They all laugh at me thinj of me as a big joke is that all I am. A big joke? Well I tell you what if this continues they'll hate me a lot more than they do now

Because I did. I've given her a chance and so help me ... I'm already getting fustrated! Its freakin impossible some people just simply can't be helped! I'm given her one whole week! 7 days she better not screw up these next few days like she did today. Calling a date line and playing with peoples feelings is wrong! She had the nerve to ask me do I have a problem with it! Of course I do! You know its like trying to slap a pig and then expect it to let you eat it for dinner! That's okay though because now I'm gonna fight fire with fire and yes i want an explosion

Hey so this is the new me. My objective for the new me is too not right about how pissed I am or say any curse words. I'm also gonna be nice to those that I may hate or have strong dislikings towards. But theirs still a tiny part of me that just don't give a rats a** about being nice I mean its bull honestly. Why in the hell should I treat a piece of shi* likes its some kinda royalty or something. I understand that you should never get tired of doing the right thing but sometimes it can be some gosh dam difficult. I'm so tired of people though. So does that make me evil or unnormal. The only people I really wanna be around now is andrea brock yesmine karrissa and alex. I know that sounds really mean but its the truth. Anyway ill journal later. P.S. Happy 15th month anniversery drea and brock

Between love and obession. Is their even a difference between the two. I feel as if I'm so gosh dam misunderstood. Its like no one really cares or even tries too care. Have they really all abandoned me has everyone I love just abazndoned my feelings. But maybe I'm wrong maybe I abandoned them and that just could actually be true. In the past two years I've abandoned some feiends and bunches of family members. I'm a horrible person the people who loved me so much all I've done was hurt people! But tomorrow will be different I will be a new person tomorrow

Things have happened since lsat time I journaled. My life seems sa if its at a ruff but calm point. I lost my best friend but at the same time I've gotten a chance to talk to some old ones and actually restablish my friendships with them. So I guess you can say my life is balacing itself out. Yet still I'm not happy but at lesat I havo no complaints. You know what drea I miss you and love you and I need you right now. I'm going crazy again I just thought I saw a tattoo on my hand. This is weird if hope he changes his mind and let us write a book togethre

Is my heart is my the note. Its all incomplete if alex was to be with me my heart wouldn't be incomplete if I could tell him the way I really feel the note wouldve been incomple. Is he even complete himself I don't even think he knows who he his. I hope being in texas helps him find himself the person that I know he truly is deep down inside. Because I jnow the true him isn't a acholic the true him isn't a compulsive liar. I know who I feel in love with and its not the people its the one true person I know . His name is alex edgar pena

Well that pretty much says it all. My old feelings are returning back for my best friend. But I hear he's a new person now if he is that's not good! I don't even think I'm going to like who he is now I can't believe this. I've known this person since kindergarten and he chooses now to change mman that pisses me off! Bye