fred's dad died on saturday. I never met him, but that doesn't matter - rest in peace. everybody knew it was coming; his skin cancer came back with a vengeance last year, but all the same, it's terrible. I hope freddie's okay, this couldn't happen to a nicer guy. there isn't a lot I can say - it's near on impossible for me to identify at all how he's feeling right now. I just hope he gets through this okay, and his brother too. my thoughts are with him.

"you were a song in my head, the warmth of the sheets in my bed. a story forever told but never old, a warm arrival never left so cold..." Laura's so down right now. Tom left for university on Saturday. They're usually inseparable - they have been since last summer. They're not just girlfriend and boyfriend, they're best friends. I think I'm allowed to say this, as her sister, but he's so right for her. Since they met last year, she's come out of her shell so much -- she's stood up to the best friend that bullied her for 10 years, she's made a tonne of new friends. I love it. And it's so hard to see her sad right now. Mum's away this week, Dad's away tonight...I'm a good hugger but I'm not good at much else. She came into the kitchen about an hour ago, and I could tell she'd been crying. I asked her if she was alright, and her face just crumpled and she basically jumped into my outstretched arms. I want to cheer her up, but nothing is going to fill that Tom-shaped gap unless it's him, and he's next coming home in a month. Until then...I've told her to take things one step at a time. Tonight we're watching Along Came Polly while she gets on with her Economics work, and then I'm gonna run her a long, hot bubbly bath. I want to help her, she's honestly one of my best friends. I hope it gets better for her.

yesterday was good, man. we did absolutely nothing of use. the weather was good (AGAIN, second day in a row, what's happening?) so we just hung around in the Close all day. ollie & I played 'throw the Eurocent in mel's shoe', it seems to be becoming a tradition. Gav kept calling me Weasel again, don't ask why - I'm still not sure. I do know he's one of the funniest guys in the world though. PLUS his brother manages HelloGoodbye, and Gav's been onstage with them in a shark suit. cool, no? after school on Friday we went to Max's house (him, xavi and I), and my goodness Max's mum is a legend. she said I'm gorgeous (: I don't get compliments like that every day. and she liked my Doc Marten school shoes, one of the few people who ever have. and she called Xavi darling, hahahh. (: it was nice, I like meeting people's parents. I miss mum. she keeps cutting the phone calls home short before I get a chance to talk to her. i miss her crazy laugh.

i can hear pops playing with the dog in the breakfast room next door. I could hear him growling back a minute ago (: we're gonna survive this week without mum. I'll take on responsibilities for once. we're going to see katie & paul & andrew & valerie next friday. and they, in turn, will meet xavi. It's surprisingly sad how excited I am about it. field or no field tomorrow? i think field. but not staying the night, because I don't need that kind of hassle. hope he liked my mix CD.

so...I love winter (: it's half past eight and already it's pitch black outside. walking from the station to school in the freezing cold is always fun, dressed like the Michelin Man in scarves and hats and the like, clouds of frozen breath billowing out in front of us as we laugh at each other's red noses...I mean, it's not at that stage YET, but I can feel it coming. and I can't wait! don't ask about the strangely optimistic mood. I have no idea either.

so I'm ignoring all the work I have built up (again), and skipping out on all of it to read and write on here and figure out shit on guitar (again). is anyone else noticing a sudden obssession with the Twilight series? I'm on the second book after about 3 days, it turns out the majority of my form have already read it and suddenly the movie adaption's coming out soon. It's cool. the book's about vampires -- sounds like utter shite, Buffy-esque reading, but it's honestly not, I reccommend it. Stephanie Meyer, i think it is. Go look her up. Also started the Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath today. Apparently it's majorly depressing but whatever - I'm fascinated. I got part of Xavi's present today. I wanted to get him Jackass: The Movie I and II, but the guy at HMV ID'ed me and I couldn't get them. So I settled for Garden State instead, cause it's got Zach Braff in it and I pretty much loved it. now, question is: do I make a mix CD? would he actually appreciate it? I think I want to, but then again - I'm a very soppy person. Possible tracks I'd put on? Next Year - Foo Fighters Song in my Head - Sherwood Another Perfect Day - American Hi-Fi Hands Down - Dashboard Confessional Closer - Joshua Radin Always - Blink 182 (acoustic?) Last Night - Motion City Soundtrack Swing Life Away - Rise Against Heaven - Anges & Airwaves Close to Me - The Cure Work - Jimmy Eat World Machines - Biffy Clyro I was just thinking - Teitur Tales of Girls, Boys and Marsupials - The Wombats ...Okay, I have no idea. I wouldn't put them all on. If anyone out there has enough time & cares in the slightest, if you feel like making any comments or reccommendations...I'd appreciate them. vote-for-mel@hotmail.com. AAARGH.

I'm glad i worded some of AllChokedUp's thoughts the other day, it's good to know I'm not the only one in this kind of situation. I had a great time at Jazz and Lizzy's birthday 'do. We watched Camp Rock and I got goosebumps (ignorez-vousing the utter cheesiness) and we played party games and I forgot about all the teenage shittiness going on in my head. Sometimes I get really scared about growing up; I start wishing feverently that I could go back to being little and carefree and utterly, gloriously happy. The wish was temporarily granted on Friday night (: It's not permanent but hey, you can't have it all. Ice skating on Saturday was a major laugh too - I skated into Jazz's teeth (yeah, that's how short I am and how tall Jazz is) and have a bruise to show it. I fell asleep on the way home, and did a shitty crossword and bitched about Miley Cyrus and Kate Hudson with Nonie for the rest of it. Oh, the joys of Hello! magazine... (: It's Xavi's birthday on Friday. I spoke to him Friday night, but he didn't reply on Saturday when I asked if he was still in town as I caught the train back from Basingstoke. His loss. I would've gone up to field with him and got slightly pissed and had a fucking good afternoon - but, like is becoming increasingly usual, it didn't happen. It's his fault. Again. it's all been said once before. we messed around on your bedroom floor... I want to read the Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. And the Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. My local library has neither. :/

he said he'd try harder and he HASN'T. I knew he wouldn't. Once again he hasn't replied to a text, then left it up to me two days later to get in contact. In what universe could that be considered anything other than completely unfair? I wanted to take him to see Funeral For A Friend for his birthday, but he's already going with his 'canoeing buddy' Mike. He didn't seem fazed by how gutted I was that we couldn't go. Screw him, I'll get him a completely impersonal present, then. Something so shallow there's no way he'll ever be able to read into it. No mixtape, no words, no 'I love you', no afternoon, evening and night spent together with nothing else but music. I don't care. I'll give him a fucking whoopee cushion. I never thought I'd live to see myself turn into such a weak excuse for a person. I know all the signs scream that he's not a good boyfriend, but somehow I'm managing to be both obsessed with the fact AND ignore it at the same time. I won't see you at the weekend, and I know you aren't bothered. Well, if you are, you're making a fantastic job of hiding it. Have fun getting pissed and goofing around without me. I'm not making the first move again until you do it for once. I'm sick of it. Show me you want me or just give up. Is that so much to ask?

wow. so he wasn't pissed that Amelia has been telling people this girl's name because he's scared it'll hurt me more. no, no - he's scared people'll hate HER. what the fuck is that all about? I know this sounds SO shallow, what i'm about to say, but I don't care. people have told me that hands down, I'm prettier than her. and I know they probably just say it to cheer me up - but if it obviously wasn't true, there wouldn't be so many people saying it without batting an eyelid, right? hmm. :/. he's my boyfriend and i love him to pieces. If he says he regrets what he did, and that he'll never do it again, I choose to believe him. if it ever happens again - he's not getting a second chance. that's crossing the line even further. But for now, I'm going out on a limb & I'm going to believe it. Please let this not be me being naive.

I'm absolutely in love with this piano cover of 'The Quiet Things That Noone Ever Knows' by Brand New on youtube. Seriously, it's insane. Goes to show how beautiful that song is - whether it's heavy or classical. I'm debating with myself whether or not to just go ahead and post a cover of Viva La Vida on youtube. I mean, I have nothing to lose but my dignity, and there honestly isn't much of that left anyway. To sing or not to sing, that is the question... to the sleepless, this is my reply: I will write you a lullaby.