you're honestly the hardest person to figure out I've ever known. and I hate it. why can't you just sort yourself out and let me know when you've done it? maybe then I'd get some idea of where I actually stand in your hierarchy of importance. because I get the distinct feeling I'm pretty low. too fucking low.

'do it for the living and do it for the dead, do it for the monsters under your bed.' so the whole 'no picking' rule is out the window - again - as it always has been and always will be. I don't know if I'll ever get around to tackling that problem. I don't know if it's even able to be tackled. fingers crossed that it's sunny tomorrow, and I can spend the day catching up with a few people I love to pieces. I'm disappointed I missed whatever went on yesterday, it sounded like good, pointless fun. note to self: i love lolz. she makes me giggle when I really do need one the most. 'we won't stop until somebody calls the cops and even then we'll start again and just pretend that nothing ever happened...'

I always forget what I do during the summer. And I'm determined that this summer I'm actually going to do some worthwhile stuff and not be bored as much as usual. The movies I may have already seen, I'm a bit of a loser when it comes to films - I've seen Napoleon Dynamitetoo many times to count. But whatever, let's see how it goes. films [*=laarved it] wall.e * the dark knight zoolander dodgeball bowfinger * hard candy * napoleon dynamite *** hostel pt II 10 things I hate about you garden state * juno kill bill american pie II young people fucking already acheived [no particular order] stayed at xavi's barbeques III beeeacchhhh castlepoint (topshop shorts&dress £7) jewellery making (button bracelets = naiiice) costume museum (more fun than it sounds) out for dinner bumming about the close and lizzy gardens with 'that lot' played 'throw the penny in mel's shoe' with ollie (: eaten wayyyy too many Fab's ruth over & made rocky road stuff & talked until 3am Roger's birthday do had xavi over, acheived nothingness artartartart prep jazz's houseeee london with ruuuth (hamley's, oxford st, camden, nando's) ...the list will be altered frequently, when I think up new things to do or get up to anything else. good idea, no?

it's FINALLY summer! and fuck do I need a summer right now. the sun's decided to shine, I have a tan line on my wrist where my larmer tree band's been, and later we're having the third barbeque I've had in a week. main reason for being happy? a million pounds for the idiot who guesses it. I won't bother with a drumroll. i met xavi's family on thursday =D. well, I didn't meet his sister because I think she's still in some unit in swindon, but the rest of them I did. and I think (hope) they like me. I feel like I know a completely different xavi now - the one who writes compositions at home and has bright yellow bedroom walls and gets irritated by his little brother (who, by the way, is SO SWEET. slightly annoying, albeit, but cute all the same.) we had a barbeque and he figured out 'closer' by Joshua Radin on guitar so I could sing along and then we watched Monsters Inc (rofl) curled up on his sofa together. contrary to popular belief we DIDN'T fuck - instead we told blonde jokes through dinner and I met his neighbour and his mum made us muffins for breakfast. i've honestly never loved him more.

mm mm mmm. only half a day left of school - no uniform (YESS I don't have to wear a kilt again until september fifth!!), a half day, and hopefully the weather's looking up. think optimistic thoughts. sometimes they get me through. today they definitely will (: xavixavixavi, I don't care if you think you're messed up. I don't want you to be perfect. and when I said last night most people would exile me from society if they knew every thought that went through my head...I meant it. you're not alone, please realise that. and every time I touch you, look at you, speak to you - hell, even insult you, I'll be telling you. I hope you listen hard.

travel the world. the places you DON'T see in the travel agencies. go skydiving. multiple times. learn to juggle. write a song. sing said song to Xavi. find a recipe for cannabis cake. make it. eat it. write a book, without any thoughts of getting it published. stoppickingstoppickingstoppicking and look like an actual human being climb a fatass tree, and if it's good enough, build a treehouse in it. get another rabbit, call him Thumper. get another cat, call him Bagpuss. get a second cat, call him Garfield. don't hold back on letting people know how I feel at all times.

"i hope this song starts a craze the kind of song that ignites the airwaves the kind of song that makes people glad to be where they are, with whoever they're there with." why does he only ever want to touch me like that when he's pissed? he said something about morals on saturday, but he was half insanely giggling at the time and I couldn't make it out. i remember crying to Ollie when we had locked ourselves in the study to talk - I hate when things like that creep up on me. it was when he was talking about how he had just laid down and prayed, prayed to God (although that doesn't make much sense and seems to defeat the object) that a car would come along and the driver would be distracted by something else. it made me realise just how fucking hopeless life can be for us all sometimes - and even though it's a faint comfort that we're not the only ones feeling it, the fact that we're feeling it at all can't be made better.

my mind keeps wandering back to waking up with him. and being able to stand up and wander around the room in knickers and his t-shirt and not worry about what he thinks of my behind. every time he shifted in his sleep he'd wrap himself around me in a different way; every time he did it I thought about how much I could just stay in that bed with him for the rest of my days. every time I looked at him asleep I couldn't help thinking he's the most perfectly imperfect being i think i'll ever be graced to know. and whatever else I might say, whatever he might do, I don't want to be without him.

so, it wasn't how i expected it to be. in ways, last night was awesome. xavi told me about his sister. i asked him about the things i've been hearing - fucking annoying thing is, we were both slightly pissed and i can't remember exactly what he said. but i think the general gist of it was that it was a fleeting thought when he was feeling pretty messed up. he told me things about himself i'd already kind of guessed but some things were new. he thinks he's fucked up, and i never realised how much playing guitar helps him let stuff out. i might've cried. i know i did when i was talking to ollie in the study - he told me about his mum cheating on his dad and how his state was so bad he ended up lying down in the middle of a main road praying someone would run him over. god, i don't know. i think i talked a load of crap last night, because truth is i'm only any good at listening to peoples' problems - not solving them. i'll just think about the good parts of last night and figure out the bad parts when (and if) i need to.

i don't want to go tonight. i heard exactly what i didn't want to hear yesterday, from ruth. she was completely right to tell me - ignorance, in my opinion, is NOT bliss and i'd rather be aware of something going on regarding my life that everyone else seems to know about. so he's thinking about breaking up with me. there, i've said it. it is now officially REAL. i have no idea why he wants to -- last saturday made me happier than i had been in a while. but it seemed to go downhill from there. we spoke briefly about twice over the course of the week, during which he apparently spoke to amelia (his "bezzy for life" orsome bullshit) and said something about thinking about it. and he gave her a reason, one that ruth knows, but i don't want to know the details. i want to hear it from HIM, at least. oh god, what if i cry? i know i will. i always do. and then he'll feel awkward and i'll look like a moany little emo idiot. there's no way i'll be able to stay friends with him afterwards -- not the way i currently feel about him, it'd hurt too much. i hate the thoughts that are running through my head right now.it's like defeat mixed with a kind of numb, dull terror. and hope. what if he was just having a bad week? he seemed okay when i spoke to him last night. did he check i was going to izzy's because that's when he wants to do it? what if i have to spend the night in the same house as him, not being able to do what we always would've done before? what if he finds another girl? i'm shit scared. i don't want to go but i know i have to. fuck, i shouldn't've let myself fall so hard. it's going to be tough as shit to pick myself up again.