IIIIT'S FRIDAY i got up at 4:30 AGAIN this morning to do various homework, but tbh i dont think i can be bothered with any of it :D ohhh and. woke up this morning to find i'll be creaming in crimson for the weekend. ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): (im aware thats disgusting) AND ITS THE PARTY TOMORROW AS WELL ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): im really bummed now. theres a Peppermint Vandals gig on somewhere-ish tonight but i dont think i'll go.. 'cause of the aforementioned and i need to catch up on sleep... ive been getting about 4-5 hours sleep every night, as opposed to my usual 6-7. ): becase of fucking coursework. ah well it can die. reading texts Adam sent me last niiiight. he said i looked great yesterday even tho i was in uniform, haha what a dick. bless him. OMG IT WAS SO FUNNY we were outside maccy ds and Chris and Lee grabbed my legs and tried to pull them apart yknow for a laugh (i was screaming lol) and Kirsty suddenly goes "THE PARTING OF THE RED SEEAAA" (which is very odd 'cause Kirsty is the quiet one who doesnt make obscene jokes normalement) then Adam turns up and Ems goes "hey Moses", OMG I THINK I PEED MYSELF WITH LAUGHTER. all good fuuun. i checked out my BMI on some calculator thing i Googled. noooot pretty. it says 'healthy weight' but its dangerously close to overweight. well. 'at risk of overweight'. NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. URGENTLY. my target weight at the start of the year was a stone under what i am now, im still not any closer :( maybe i am destined to be a fat kid forever. oh well. fat is fun :D umm yeah its nearly summerrrr :D oh and. Ems and Danii have had a massive bust-up. tbh im with Ems on this one, but i value my life so i'm not gonna say anything against Danii. =/ theres a lot i could say but im not gonna run off and bitch to my journal. thats just pussio blad, as Benni might say. tiredness just went like all through me. :( i dont think i'll get to the end of the day. oh well. sleeping can wait. better do this homework.

um. he's asking whats wrong now. he's worried. evidently doesnt realise... i like how they can all make these off-hand comments and move on like they dont know how much i care about things like this like they dont realise it stays with me, and im terrified of what wouldve happened if they'd just had a little. more. nerve.. is it really just.. not that important? hes got it out of me that i hate hearing about.. that.. but he hasnt worked out that its about whats in the past, too... and when i said seven. thats probably more. a LOT more. 'cause of the new crowd.. and knowing the new crowd. =/ i expect they're all proud of it. i used to wish i had.. just to say i was like them.. isnt that sick? isnt that glamourous? =/ not really..

well it hurt me every time i heard it, and the sixth is no better. i keep writing and deleting 'cause i dont know how to phrase this. im just glad that this time, i can be the reason it doesnt happen again.. and thats why it hurt all the other times. even tho the first one, the one that hurt me most, he just was attention-seeking and bullshitting like the cunt he was. ...in light of recent events, i think that makes it seven, not six... oh well. enough. too many.

5am on the bathroom floor From the night before Do you find me dreadful? Tiff's party on Sautrday. basically MASSIVE PISS UP. and i haven't got mashed in a while, and i sure need to. only. i kind of.. promised Adam i wouldn't get drunk? D: D: DDDDDDDDD: he doesnt see the point in doing stupid things and not remembering the morning after.. and i do. =/ i just think its amazing... getting absolutely hammered, getting with a load of people you dont know, having an absolute fucking laugh with your mates, dancing 'til you drop, sleeping where you fall, and coming round on the bathroom floor.. and even better if you got it all on camera. i dont know.. its part of that horrible, glamourous lifestyle i was on about earlier. =/ last time i started to think people only liked me when i was drunk so i got mashed. only i upset my friends when i told them i wouldnt sober up 'cause they wouldnt like me anymore... so maybe its a bad plan. and being drunk was the only time in which i could get with people. true fact. so i did. and if i get drunk Adam won't do anything with me... its so sweet of him. he said he doesnt want to take advantage of me. even tho he wouldnt be. 'cause id want him to anyway. if you see what i mean. but yeah if im drunk i get nothing. and if im drunk i know im gonna be trying to get in his pants all night. or even worse, someone elses. but hopefully i wont go that far this time. in fact, i could film everything if i stayed sober. and that would be damn funny. but still, it's usually me thats being filmed.. and its gonna be hard to give up the spotlight. =/ im in two minds. i'll have worked it out by saturday. and a promise is a promise.

oooooh hardcore. my plan of JUST NOT EATING (Y) failed like your mom in bed - creme eggs and cadburys fruit and nut hardcore tbh. like sex in the mouth. mmm. creamy. i creamed. LOL JOKES. nah i did really, adam did the job ADAM WROTE THAT CUNT i never. so there. dont be disgusting. ..haha hench. its Maccy Ds all over again! haha jokes. oh yeah DAD fucked the comp up so i lost all the Golden Sun tabs. then he had a go at ME for what HE did. god he's such an asshole. i got so pissed i beat up my bedroom wall. i forgot how hard i can punch. took the skin off my knuckles. was hardcore. then i went for a walk with Spo. learnt some stuff. gotta sort that out. hmmmmm. i cant wait til August.

the song im listening to has no lyrics ^ hence empty title xD im tabbing Golden Sun music!! :D i was doing my drama coursework (looks amazing, she better grade me good for this) and i put the Golden Sun soundtrack on. its the one playlist thats so long i wouldnt have to stop and change it at any point during my work, and it doesnt have anyone singing, which is good 'cause voices distract me. its the perfect thing for coursework. only i started thnking 'hm i wanna play Golden Sun now' and then the AMAZING idea of learning it on the guitar came to me. so yeah for the past half hour i've been working out the Golden Sun world map music and writing it in Power Tab Editor. mmm toast. i already had Alpen with strawberries and a Toffee Crisp today, but Dad was offering toast so i thought why not. even tho my throat is killing me and everytime i eat i feel like im gonna bring it back up. and i did have the amazing weight loss plan of JUST NOT EATING. (Y) i am finding it very hard to keep up. =/ hm. i have no self-control. HAHA ADAM LOST HIS SELF-CONTROL IN MACCY DS, I HAVE POWERS. i am surprisingly happy for someone who's spending the whole day inside doing coursework. =]

so there was an all-nighter last night! fell asleep on Adam under the flat bank to the light of the fire (a pallet they'd found and set alight) and it felt so damn perfect. LOL i squat-n-dropped. making me 95% less of a pussy than all other girls with us at the time :P but seriously. if you need a piss, youve got to be a man about it. and man i want some of Liam + Dec's banana milkshake. it might quite a few people feel ill but i took it like a man. cause im manly. oh, she's a handsome woman. yeah, i had to help Liam out last week.. his confidence had hit the floor and for some reason he intrigues me, so i drew up a plan to get his self-esteem up. i am the master of self-esteem - i've seen how awful hitting the floor is, and i've made it pretty much my life mission to save everyone else from that damned place. only my plans never seem to work. Liam's went according - he started going out with Becca, and that made him happy. only she turns out to be the, what is it now, third girlfriend who's gonna cheat on him with Alex The Wemo Cunt? so yeah i had to deal with that 'cause Liam takes it all out on me in drama.. well no, not in a bad way, he just talks everything through with me and i help him out. but i THINK it's all gonna be ok. so thats good. so yeah i am master of self-confidence.. only mine seems to have shot into bordering on pure arrogance. and im getting scared im gonna get myself into shit that i cant get out of. but yeah whatever its ok. i'll pull through whatever. i always do. see? arrogance. oh but im getting better at taking compliments. a simple 'thank you' actually makes both parties feel better than arguing and putting yourself down/bigging the other person up. or so i find. and i feel more gracious. "Can't remember or don't want to remember..?" are you as terrified of your past as i am of mine...? i have crossed SO much off my mental 'things to do before i die' list. sleep under the stars, go in a mosh pit, pass out on a bathroom floor, do shit in a car park... hm why is life perfect? do i deserve this? i always knew my angels would look after me. now i need to get some homework done. im doing great :) im using the bank holiday to get on top of my coursework. im only allowing myself out on monday if its all done. and i think it will be :D ugh that Mr Hale. every time i tried to explain why i couldnt get my coursework done he just blanked me and carried on talking like i hadnt said anything. this is why i never ask for help and get so behind in everything; 'cause they dont help you, they make you feel like a failure. asswipes. By the half light of the fire... ohh helllo im getting lyrical inspiration. i usually only get that when im depressed. i dug out a load of lyrics i wrote back in October - December time. there was like a folder full. they're all about the same person. about jealousy, being unrequited, being led on, caring too much... awful stuff. there's some stuff written around Christmas about me wrecking myself. and i mean actually properly. its horrible. and yet glamourous at the same time. it degrades love, it tears apart morals, and yet its incredibly, incredibly glamourous. it was the kind of lifestyle i wanted to lead.. enough about that. tea's nearly ready, im off.

so where were we? ah yes. i'm a failure in everything i do. im supposed to be on here to print off pictures of crysanthemums for my art. but is there really any point? i left my art book at Adam's anyway. and im failing art. and its no ones fault but my own. got an after-school with her tonight. so i cant go to the one Mr Hale tried to give me. im failing my IT as well. theres really no point. im just a waste of space anyway. who cares about what gcses i get? yeah. yesterday. thats what you wanna hear about. some sket off the street made some comment.. you know what about. its too embarrassing to actually say it. incidentally, thats why it took me so long to get help in the dark times.. it was an embarrassing reason to get bullied. it could have been something decent, like for my skin colour or my sexuality or the fact i was in a wheelchair or something. but no, it was something pathetic. and i was embarrassed for the tormentors.. and the fact that it wasnt actually the torments that were getting me down.. it was my friends. but kids dont get unhappy for reasons like that so i went along with everything they said - yes, Laura's unhappy at school because she's being bullied. well, no, actually, she's never been bullied in her life, but kids not having any friends isnt normal, is it? i'd have given anything to be normal back then. ughhhh. so yeah, i made my favourite hand gesture and the sket made me say it to her face, so she hit me. IT WAS A FUCKING HALF-POWER HAYMAKER AND I SAW IT FUCKING COMING AND I DIDNT EVEN FUCKING BLOCK IT AND THEY EXPECT ME TO GO DOWN THERE TONIGHT AND WEAR THAT YELLOW BELT AS IF I FUCKING DESERVE IT. it wasnt that i was hurt or anything - i didnt even feel her fist. if i hadnt seen it meet my jaw i'd have wondered what she did. it was that i knew the exact block and counter technique to defend myself and i didn't. do. a. thing. Adam stepped in and threw the sket against a wall. (tho when you think about it, i know im an idiot, but even i wouldnt start on somone whose six-foot boyfriend is walking right beside them... dickass.) i ran off. beat up a wall. i noticed something - when i get an adrenaline rush, i start breathing in time to Rage Against The Machine's Bulls On Parade. is that the song im thinking of? hang on. yeah, it is. you know, like da da, da - da da.. oh forget it. i do. so yeah, i stopped beating up a wall and walked off. and Adam was yelling at me trying to get me to calm down. and as if missing a block a white belt couldve pulled off isnt shameful enough? i started fucking crying. i kept punching walls and lampposts as we walked past. i could've had that sket on the floor in 5 seconds. but no. im useless and i have to get other people to fight my battles. and i have to go in today and do all this fucking coursework and i cant. fucking. cope. and i left my fucking art book round Adam's. oh, it just keeps getting worse doesnt it. and i havent even begun on Emily, or Liam, or anyone else i have to deal with today. or near future. i just want to curl up and be forgotten about. i just want to curl up and forget.

i am an absolute failure in everything i do. i have nicked Adam's laptop to write this, he's probably reading over my shoulder wondering wtf im doing, i dont care tbh im venting. go home. all of you. fuck off home. had a fucking pisser of a day. got afterschools on the same day from art and IT 'cause i couldnt be fucking arsed to do my coursework cause im a useless piece of shit. and walking home? i couldnt even block a fucking haymaker off a fucking sket. thats not much to you. thats eight months of training and all my dignity FUCKING GONE, WASTED, WHATTHEFUCKEVER. whats the point. whats the fucking point. i have been taking fucking comments about my fucking hair all my fucking life. im fucking embarrassed even fucking typing that! WHO THE FUCK GIVES A SHIT ABOUT HAIR COLOUR I MEAN WTF every. fucking. day. of my whole. fucking. life. it was just one more day, one more comment, but nooooo. i am fucking SICK of fucking TAKING IT. so i didnt. and what did i get? a fucking pussy of a fucking fist to the fucking jaw. haha snooker. a fucking white belt could've blocked that. thats actually fucking true. Adam said it didnt matter. your probably reading this like, yeah, why the fuck does it matter to you? 'cause i suck like that. all the adrenaline and anger is wearing off now and now i just feel pathetic. =/ gutted to be me. oh wait! i am. then i burst into fucking tears didnt i. that is the one moral i live by: NO ONE under ANY circumstances ever sees me cry. ive only let one person apart from Mum and Spo see me cry. ive cried in front of other people, but with my hands clamped to my face. and thats it. but today the whole of fucking Witney and their dog saw. fuck-ing great. im better now. rant over.

i've started shaking. and its not stopping either. i want to go get another jacket but everytime i move my head screams at me. ok wheres the Calpol?