yesterday was a bit shit. (Y) Jamie did the single most NASTIEST, most HUMILIATING thing anyone's ever done to me before. which is completely out of character. but i guess he was in a bad mood. but that's no fucking reason to utterly mortify me. Chris does something like that sometimes, but he's only pissing about and he knows when he's about to cross the line. But Jamie actually had the nerve to imply that it was my fault, for having them in my bag, and then he actually made me feel like a complete FREAKSHOW by saying i really shouldn't use them 'cause no one else does. jesus and now i've started crying AGAIN. i havent cried so much in one 24-hour period since.. jeez man. more on that later. i dont want to be a freakshow anymore.. i'm trying, i really am. i actually bit the bullet and asked my mum to buy me some earlier so.. progress i suppose. she laughed when i said "too hench", but it was in an endearing way. she's being really nice =] she said i looked all sweet and innocent without my eyeliner this morning. i never bother doing myself up for tae kwon-do anymore. the other week Spo said i looked really cute with a bare face. so im only wearing mascara today :O arent i brave! yesterday was also shit because Adam went off in one of his moods. Tom really helped tho, i owe him =] i was feeling all useless and pissed off and he just comes up and says "a hug usually works" and carried me over to Adam and it did :) :) but then it was a fair bit later and we were outside Sainsburys and Lee and Becky had just left and i made him feel bad for something he cant help =[ and i said i didnt care either. i do care!! i dont want you to have one of those again, it was scary =( but i've always wanted someone to give me things like that.. it would mean more than anything to me. they're the nicest things i think anyone could give someone =] unless it wasnt spontaneous. then there wouldnt be any meaning in it at all. :( see thats the catch 22 thing.. i wont let you give me any now because i told you to and therefore it wont mean anything. it has to be perfect and thats just me asking too much of you like usual. and im crying again now! jesus.. lol whats playing on iTunes someone (Chester :D

Paranoia frustrates me so much!! Yet i cant say aaanyythiiing 'cause JEALOUSYY is just as baaad... Jamie and Lee are worried about Alex and Becky and EVERYONE ELSE! do you know how horrible and disrespectful it is for a girl to tell you she loves you and you to NOT BELIEVE HER??? WHY WOULD SHE BE OUT WITH YOU IF SHE'S INTO SOMEONE ELSE Well i know people like that.. but they're the kind of people who think life is just a game. Alex and Becky are NOT like that!! They're real and down to earth and awesome. i was talking to Adam about it and he said he'd never get paranoid over things like that. =] i told him to be glad he wasnt with one of the pretty girls. 'cause if i was pretty he would have to worry about other guys and stuff. but he just turned round, said ''i am with one of the pretty girls" and kissed me.. awww :3 Oh and him and Harry said i weighed about the same as Alex! HAHAHAHAHA i KNOW that i'm about 2 stone heavier than her, maybe a bit more. for a FACT. i mean duhh... you can tell just by looking. she's all slim and has got a flat stomach, and i'm really not and i haven't xD but ohh well.. i do not mind being hench. =) being real skinny would be a disadvantage in sparring! O: i did my English speaking coursework on tae kwon-do. the teacher grading it said i did well good! if only i'd realised before.. if you talk about something you actuallly know and give a shit about, you do a lot better! OMG... its the grading tonight. nervous! nervous! nervous! Adam said he would come to watch so that will hopefully be ok. right so.. there's this girl i dont like. i never liked her in the first place 'cause guys liked her too much and i can never control the jealousy.. BUT it seems my dislike for her is finally justified!! i mean, after she dumped my friend by text and our other friend had to cut a shoelace from tight around his neck, i was a little pissed off with her.. and then she got a new boyfriend like a day after.. i thought that was a bit out of order.. but now. all she ever does is sit with her boyfriend away from the group. she doesnt talk to any of us, not even hello or goodbye or anything. at school, the only thing she'll ask us is to tell her bf where she is.. or just use us as someone to hang around with. and she's upset/pissed off her three most closest friends in the group.. REAL badly. and they are three of the nicest girls EVER.. so now she's upset them, i FINALLY feel i can justify my dislike for her. and tbh, she really isn't that hot just 'cause she's skinny.. i've got a better ass and rack than her fo'sho. and i'm not bringing up the marble/ping pong ball theory 'cause thats just BITCHY. not even an attractive personality to make up for it tbh.. she's just annoying and retarded. and not even in a funny way. but still, i've been hiding my dislike for her for a good half a year.. why stop now? all i can say is.. after what she did, she doesn't deserve him. life really is just a game to her. as long as she looks pretty, no one else's feelings even come into consideration. but all my shallow male friends will still adore her because they find her attractive. (another reason why we can hate my OTHER disliked person.. he'll only hang out with girls if he thinks they're attractive!! i want to slap him.) and do you know who is a lying, using rat?? BAIZLEY MCBAIZE. WHO ELSE. He has this girlfriend, Hannah, and she's real sweet and nice. but he's USING HER. he still hasn't gotten over is long-time crush on (see above.. yeah ANOTHER shallow cunt who loves the using bitch 'cause she's 'hot'.) and yet he still goes out with Hannah. EVERYTHING he says is a LIE. he says he wants to make the relationship work. yet he said the argue all the time and the next argument he's calling quits. he says he's in love with Hannah. yet he tells everyone he can't get over marble face. BUUT.. there's really complicated Liam/Hannah/Becca stuff going on as well.. basically.. Becca's as bad as Baize, which is why Baize always sticks up for her when me and Liam slag her off, leading me + Liam to think he fancies her.. (as well as the girlfriend he's supposedly in love with and the whore he supposedly can't get over.) thing is, Becca did the same thing that Baize is doing to Hannah to Liam, so there'll be hard feelings there.. BUT.. basically.. Liam + Hannah should be together. Liam would treat her so much better, and Hannah kind of likes him back.. (yeahh.. everyone in that group fancies people who aren't their bf/gf.. their relationships arent as hardcore as Jamie/Alex and Lee/Becky, so my first rant of this entry is irrelevant here..) basically. Baize and Becca are both lying, cheating rats and deserve each other. Liam and Hannah are both lovely and would work. Apart from Liam's REALLY tall and Hannah's really quite small, lol height difference. but that won't matter. Everyone should just sort themselves out and stop using people. and paranoia will die!! Hahaa.. i did get a bit worried when Adam was on about Becky being a really close mate of his.. "but do you know what we talked about in all those long late-night conversations?" "what?" "you." =]

i had a well long convo with Laura last night.. about sex, mostly, but yeah xD i told her my innermost secret as well. i've got two deep dark secrets.. one you cant know because it explains something that you think is already justified (and also explains The Plan).. and the other, you'd think i was weird and disgusting if i told you.. and Laura's the only one in the whole world who knows both. :3 she truly is my best friend. i mean, outside of Wales and apart from Geo (who i havent talked to properly in time 'cause she's got qualifiers) my best mate is meant to be Ems. but really, there are a hell of a lot of things i cant tell her.. not that i dont trust her, 'cause i do, (even tho she cant keep her mouth shut a lot of the time, but neither can i and youve gotta love her for it xD) its just.. there are some things she cant accept as.. i dunno. its like a tiny part of her is still clinging on to the preps' ideas of conventionality and popularity.. like, theres been at least 3 occasions when ive asked her why she doesnt like someone, and her reply has been or ended in "..s/he just looks dirty..." i dont want to sound like im slagging her off, 'cause i love her, but i really feel like i cant be myself in front of her, and you really should be able to do that in front of your best mate. but i know if i told her what i admitted to Laura last night she'd be so freaked and weirded out... And something else.. i act different in front of different people, yeah? i think we all do it. i put on different fronts for different people. but lately i've noticed a trend... i can only be myself when i'm in front of guys. i dont know why, but i feel there has to be some layer of pretention when i'm with girls. i have to hold back. the only girls who get the true me are Laura and Geo. and it used to be Spo, before things changed between us.. i dont know, i just feel i fit in more with guys. i can admit stuff to guys. its hard to explain.. Oh but last night i wa talking to Ems on msn and she said that apparently ive changed. it wasnt a big change, she said, but it was like i was more moody and got pissed off more. and if theres one thing you know about me, its that I ABSOLUTELY HATE BEING TOLD I'VE CHANGED. but then Ems said that she thought maybe it was her being more irritable lately.. oh i know what i did! i said something as like a jokey insult. the kind of thing i say to Geo when i want to make her laugh. but Ems thought i was being moody. see, this is why i fit in with guys.. Guys can take insults better, if you know what i mean. i love insulting people for a laugh, its like my main humour. yeah im a cunt xD well basically Ems said she needs change. which is what she's been saying for a while.. i think since everyone else got together in like, one week of March and she was still single... i think that kind of pissed her. But yeah im level 5 on runescape. just from tutorial island xD i think im hooked again.. shit. LOL. and i have this Busted song on Adam's mp3 on repeat, 'cause its AMAZING. "She looks like, does like, sounds like me, she's stealing my identity, and i'm begging you somebody notice me somebody notice, im fading away here, what i gotta do to make you see? my girlfriend is a wannabe, and she wants to be me!" SERIOUSLY I LOVE IT XD seriously, wouldnt it be PISSING funny if some chick tried to skank her boyfriend's identity? xD well i'd lol. ....GET ME BLONDE HAIR DYE AND A BASS GUITAR :D

woww havent updated here in time! so since my last entry three weeks ago.. ermm went to Oxford for my birthday.. bought The Art Of Drowining (AMAZING).. Chester died and came back like Jesus.. went on a small Carteton adventure (lol that was fun).. ummm. other stuff that probably isnt important. ive come up with a new screen name :D that is too long for Runescape how straight. yeah Adam made me join Runescape AGAIN.. i have to make this one good apparently. well ive gone up like two levels in cooking, fishing, wcing and firemaking since i started last night :D (and yes im still only in the first part of the tutorial lol for shame.) i was gonna talk about Runescape and my screen name and character some more but i think that would be just a bit too sad. (: yeah and i'm re-joining dA once i've got some new art. i can still draw manga characters!! i found out the other day. i was drawing my new char.. i used to draw them all the time, i was always making up little stories and characters.. then i got a social life. but it think it would be cool to make up little stories and stuff again :D anyway. I DONT EVER HAVE TO DO RELIGIOUS STUDIES EVER AGAIN IN MY WHOLE LIFE :D:D:D i took my final RS exam yesterday :D i think i did shit but oh well, RS doesnt do anything for you xD Haha i swapped Chester for Adam's mp3 player. i found a cool song by The Used :D and i listened to a bit of System Of A Down but it scares me. umm what else have we got on here.. Trivium lol obv.. good stuff.. OH and there's Paramore, and you know how i hate Paramore? well this thing's got Riot! on it and its actually pretty good.. lol... bit of Avenged Sevenfold... ...a lot of Avenged Sevenfold.. BFMV.. yay.. not the album i have tho.. altho the album i do have was skanked off Adam's memory stick anyway, hahaha. hmm i was meant to burn that memory stick or throw it in the lake.. haha.. actually i was gonna throw Adam in the lake. but he's too cute :3 and quite a lot bigger than me.. but thats what flying side kicks are for. =) LOL WE TRIED FLYING SIDE KICKS I SUCKED ASS I WENT OVER ON MY FRONT XD it was fun tho. do you know what i hate? how people have to hate. not just people our age either.. i swear adults do it too.. its like, you see a group of people your own age walking past. i mean, i'd see them as potential friends. i'd think they were on my side. but no apparently. its like people feel threatened by their peers.. as soon as you see a group like i just described, you've got to give them evils or start on them or something childish like that.. theres this one girl i know, quite a good friend of mine actually, so i wont name her, but she literally has to start on anyone around our age she sees.. if one of them laughs at something, she'll imeadiately assume they're laughing at her.. if they glance her way, she'll think she's getting dirty looks.. do you know what i mean? and its like she cant go one day without arguing with anyone. like, not too long ago, she had this massive argument with my best mate over nothing.. then suddenly she just turned around and called it off, and is fine with her. but then like, the next day she was after someone else for some stupid little joke they made. She was having a go at him outside the back gate yesterday, and some other guy stuck up for him, saying he hadn't done anything wrong. and tbh from what i hear he hadn't. but, as Ems wisely said, "they're both playing their expected roles", so who knows who we believe. im not gettng involved 'cause i never do. i just dont see why we have to be so insecure that we lash out at everyone and take everything to heart. i dont want to be like that. i like everyone.. in our group i mean. well actually. there's two people i dont, but i act like i like them to their face 'cause i dont want to cause any trouble. one i dont like 'cause i dont think she deserves what she's got just because she's got a pretty face, and the other is a bullshitter who uses people for real nasty stuff, and i'm fully justified in disliking him after what he did. and you think you know what i mean by 'what he did', but you dont. and i'll never tell you. and i think he's convinced himself it never happened. so you're not finding out either.. OMG I LOVE THIS SONG! HAVENT HEARD IT IN FUCKING TIME!! ADAM'S MP3, I LOVE YOU "Her conscience calls the guilty to come home..." i have no idea why i've never been into Bullet For My Valentine before. i hope Adam's having fun with Chester (oo er). i want The Showdown dammit D: lol The Showdown's the only reason he wanted Chester in the first place. xD they are amazing. hmm i seem to be turning into a metal fan This mp3 player is seriously just metal in a tube and Busted. ..........yes.

GUESS WHAT ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW :D im well excited! lol. so hows my week been? ummm.. brief overview: friday: This Is My Ship EP release! did some hardcore moshing down the Platform, learnt i can slam-dance, nearly sprained all down the back of my neck from headbanging, haha. slept at Adam's. saturday: basically spent most of the day mooching round Adam's in my underwear. all good fun. sunday: saw my family for the first time in nearly two days.. they asked who i was.. lol. umm there was some shit about a memory stick that day.. basically i found something, got real jealous, and.. yeah. i do horrible, ruthless things when im jealous. but it only proved my own feelings to myself, so i guess it was worth it. it was raining. it always rains. monday: made up over ice cream and macaroni cheese :D it was really nice. tuesday: kicked major ass in sparring. its easy when your small - go up against some hench 6-foot bloke, and its pissin' easy to dodge their blows and jab under their guard. wednesday: BOOSHATHON BOOSHATHON BOOSHATHON! id forgotten how much i love Jamie and Baize. i really miss hanging out with them like i used to. we ate all the food in the house. it was amazing. we need to get big white bunny suits and run around Oxford raping people! thursday: had to tell Adam about the angels. fucked it up a bit. suppose i'll have to tell this journal about them at some point. hmm. Adam fed me egg fried rice :D :D bringing us to TODAYY. im tidying my room :D at least im meant to be.. got a bit distracted. lol. guess i should go do that now. aha.. tomorrowww :D :D me Ems and Adam are going into Oxford. my favourite place and my favourite people. i cant wait. (:

and because we can never escape the paranoia no matter what we tell ourselves we search through the past and find what we expect and find what we don't want to see i've never feared the future, and it's not the present i'm avoiding it's the past i've always been running, screaming, from and im terrified i'm just another her. and at the same time immensely glad i've finally found something that proves my feelings to myself.. i wish i had the right to delete the past.

23rd entry on the 23rd :D TWO MONTHS TODAYYYY and the This Is My Ship EP release gig toniiight!! happy. imported/downloaded a shitload of albums earlier, and now i have achieved 1000 SONGS ON CHESTER :D Two of those being Dust by Royworld. I SWEAR THAT SONG GETS BETTER EVERY TIME I HEAR IT. "You and i will never die, so dont think about all the space in between us. Get that rubbish off your mind, and how many times can i tell you i love you? Singing, you never believed in yourself, you're living a life upon a shelf, but now the city's burning...." Those lyrics remind me of Adam, Laura and Geo.. only like the three people i love most in this world, its all good :) aaaaah its amazing! everyone. go look up Royworld on iTunes and download Dust and the acoustic version. YOU WILL ACHIEVE ORGASM, I GUARANTEE. ok listening to it for like the fifth time in a row and the lyrics just made me nearly cry. ITS THAT GOOD. i'm trying to give up crying. seriously, i never used to. well, not in public anyway. before these past couple of months, i had only cried in public once in the past year. i dont know whats happened! i think getting with Adam just set all my emotions into overdrive.. haha. aahh... Half Light. i love Athlete. "and all that ive seen means nothing to me without you..." yeah enough sappy lyrics Laura! yeah ok so whats new with the Mighty Ginge? i have some fatty cuts over my knuckles, down my elbow and up my leg they're healing over now, but they looked fucking awesome! i got them trashing the abandoned house; i put my fist and my leg straight through a wall, was the best. Whippy thinks there was asbestos there and now we're both gonna die of cancer. oo er. oh yeah; about the last entry; Chris is perfectly fine, he just crashed round someone's house without telling anyone. cant blame him really. Ems sent an offline apology to Danii. hopefully its sorted. if its not I CANT BE FUCKED WITH THEM ANY MORE. but i will officially take Ems' side instead of not getting involved 'cause then it would mean Ems was trying to be the mature one and Danii just wanted to keep fighting 'cause it seems she cant go a day without hating someone. arghhh Now.. time for French homework! :D sucks like a bitch. i love today.

scared. Chris went missing last night. We all know Harry was after him yesterday.. and Harry had his psycho friend Max with him. i have some image of this big showdown at the abandoned house in the middle of the night. =/ But Adam says he and Gary went looking for him last night and couldnt find him.. Nige sent me a voicemail as soon as he went missing, but my stupid blonde of a mother turned my phone off when i was asleep 'cause she didnt want it going off in the night. The whole point of keeping my phone on at night is so i wake up as soon as i get important messages like this! One of my friends is in danger! i needed to have heard that message! i dont know what i couldve done but.. i dunno, knowing about it sooner would have made me feel better. i couldve gone out and helped to look. well from what i can gather no ones heard anything this morning, so maybe he's made it home alright. or maybe no news is bad news. =/ arghh i hope he's ok..

ARGH 'richard' is back. do not ask. i have no idea who this richard character is. he added me on msn last night, said i was fit, and said we should meet. AGHHH NO GO AWAY and no i wont block him because when i am not being terrified by him, i am finding him absolutely hilarious. he went offline. im scared. )= aaand Danii's talking to me now. apparently i dont really like her anymore. ARGHHHH yeah i still like you. we're mates. yeah? just please. drop the 'i hate Emily' shit. i wont talk to you any more 'cause all you do is slag off my best mate. surely there's more important shit to worry about? i mean seriously.. youve got obssessed with this. lighten up. you take everything to heart. you say you dont give a shit and you forget about it but.. you dont. maybe.. maybe your as insecure as her..? and i know ive laughed at her calling you immature before, but.. this time, it has gotten childish. thats why i wont talk to either of you if you bring it up. i dont want to be involved. its not even a real fucking argument. can you both get some spine? please? or im gonna lose a friend for somethng no one did.. i told her i still liked her, just didnt hang around with her as much, and she stopped talking. =/ fine then. EMS IS ONLINE :D im sorry Danii.. im never gonna hate you, but after youve dragged it out like this, im gonna have to side with my best friend. cause im sick of playing to your tune, and i cant be a mirror of you. ahh Liam's easy to talk to. just go 'awww' and 'no you dont sound stupid' when he goes on and on and on about Becca. its sweet.. annoying, but very sweet. oh and now Ems is on about 'i wasnt emphasising 'fat' when i said 'fat bitch''... NO! you threw an insult! it doesnt matter what you meant! cant you practise what you preach and have some maturity? arghhhh. i love them both but this is getting stupid. AND I DONT WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE ABOUT IT, IM GOING TO GO EAT NOW. THANKYOU BYE.

Good Christ it's wednesday already. i havent woken up from the weekend yet!! oh no.. wednesday means my RS GCSE. D: i tried to revise but i know everything in my revision booklet already so i got bored. =/ wish me luck.. and yeah i got up at half 4 AGAIN. i dont know why 'cause i didnt have any coursework/revision to do... its kind of like a habit now. but it means i am constantly knackered. =/ i had time to straighten all my hair tho :D i always straighten the front bits and EVERYONE has been telling me how amazing it looks, but now a few people have suggested straigtening all of it and well, its not like the Almighty Ginger to disappoint her public :P UGH I AM SO TIRED oh yeah! you know what?? I'VE LOST WEIGHT!! not even kidding! im thinking that by next weekend, i'll have dropped half a stone from my original weight - halfway to my target weight at the start of the year :D:D and that only happened in the course of a week! it's 'cause i've stopped eating.. to do with the heat or something. basically i eat a yoghurt my breakfast, nothing all through the day, and about half of my dinner. 'cause in the day, even if im hungry, i really cant face food, and when i do eat, i get full waaay quickly. its actually the best :D so you'd think going on this much sleep/food would weaken me, but i actually did AMAZING in tae kwon do yesterday. not as in i put everyone to the floor (we werent sparring anyway), as in i pushed myself and didnt give up. and its sooo much more satisfying that way :D soo yeah. i have conquered hunger and nearly conquered sleep. i will soon acheive super-human. although Mum has starting worrying 'cause i'm not sleeping/eating properly. shh woman go away. im fine. aaaanyway. last weekend was that crazy little thing called 'the BEST'. it started from the moment i left school friday afternoon, 'cause Adam had skipped work and was there waiting for me. :D we ended up back at my house with a Harry in tow. Harry and Adam nicked a glass from the local pub and left it on a wall down my road, it was quite epic. it stayed there for a good day or two before it disappeared. O: yeah then us three were just sat in my room for aaages. Harry should direct porn hahaha. whilst playing Pokemon. i felt like such a pimp. we all went out that evening. it was AMAZING, there was a thunderstorm!! omgomg. some of the pussies went home 'cause they were scared of the thundering, but i was running around the Leys all hyper and like YEY. seriously i LOOOOVE thunderstorms. aaahh they're just amazing omg. if we had a summer full of thunderstorms, omg, that would be the BEST. i expect everyone else would hate it tho D: oh! oh! cross 'make out in a thunderstorm' off the things to do before i die list :D yaaay and then i went to Sainsbury's to take a piss, and i was rocking out to Atreyu in the ladies', when who should walk in, but one of the most stuck up preps in my year... with shit all down her leg. i mean, come on, that is up there on the Greatest Moments Of My Life list. she was nice to me tho! she said hi and said my hair looked 'stylish'. thats all people i vaguely know want to tell me these days. yes, i know my hair is amazing, move along. :D umm yes. and i ran all the way to my house from the Leys and back 'cause i needed to get something. HOW IS THAT FOR STAMINA. oh and it was friday when i met Andrei for the first time outside the Academy. O: O: he ended up hanging out with us the whole weekend! haha. he also became our free taxi service. i've no idea how he put up with us, eheh. we got him to crash Tiff's party with us on saturday, wahey. well. we weren't crashing 'cause we actually had invites, but Andrei didnt so yeah lol. it was quite an amazing party tbh. Dec had a panic attack so its all good. you can tell how good a party is by if someone had a panic attack or not. if no one does, then it's really not hardcore enough. and yes, it was me at the last party xD; BUT I STAYED SOBER THIS TIME!! so no more fitting on the floor screaming 'LAY MEEE' in a high-pitched voice for Ginge. (i still wish i could remember that, how funny it must've been!) buuut it was really fun! someone (Mike i think) came and gave me a condom xD Adam ended up with two XD and one was BANANA FLAVOUR OMG ...im sorry that makes me giggle XD XD cough. have some maturity. yeah. NO we didnt use them. tho a hench-ass amount of sexual acts seemed to have been performed that night. to my restricted knowledge (meaning that this was about half as much of what actually happened) there were two handjobs, three blowjobs and a LOT of fucking... some dirty fuckers even got laid in the back alley. i mean that is fucking hardcore xD ...back alley. add back alley to the list. No wait! Three handjobs. i just remembered the living room floor. pfffff who's keeping count anyway. hmmm what happened on Sunday.. well i woke up on the living room floor in Tiff's house with Weetos all over me, it was a good start to the day. skipped off back to Adam's house.. i think we spent the afternoon at the astro for Nige's party. it wasn't a real party.. just some guys down the astro playing football. i spent the whole of lower school forging notes to get out of hanging around the astro playing football! D: Chris got the right idea and went to sleep. Andrei felt a little guilty about turning up at a party where no one knew him, and went and joined in with the guys. i stayed inside with Chris, Kirsty, Whippy and Chester, my trusty iPod who kept me entertained. pffff. some party. yeah sunday was a downer. BUT TODAY WILL BE THE BEST :D 'cause its wednesdayyy, and wednesdays mean i can go out! woop woop! although i miss my best lesson for the RS exam ): oh well. Adam's meeting me after school yaaaay :D and this exam will be a piece of piss. wish me luck anyway! :D