uh oh im actually finding myself thinking about tom as more than a friend. this hasnt happened since like october. he asked me if i wanted to go to the riverwalk with him tomorrow night and idk if i should or not. and i cant talk to will, tori, christine, or anybody about this. no one can know that i might like tom. tom is a man whore, and i dont excatley like him but i need a fix for this lonliness. and i guess that might make me sound slightly whore-ish but....trust me if you knew how much of a cheater tom was it wouldnt feel weird for me to completely use him. and im not gonna break his heart or lead him on...what im trying to say is that if tried to kiss me id let him. to go or not to go? guess ill figure it out...

i hate being nostalgic. i couldnt fall asleep so i turned on my ipod and put it on shuffle. dont cry out by the shiny toy guns comes on. i cant even listen to this song cus every time the memories flush back in and make me sad. ahhh the fall. the street party, before tom was a manwhore and tori hadnt yet fallen in love. and i barely knew christian, kevin, will, jackie, taylor. i didnt know any of them. and toris parents didnt completely hate her. those were the best nights of my life. i remember arriving with tori and meeting up with tom and chris, his six year old brother who kept hugging me. so cute. tom kissed tori. then made out with here...and i sorta ditched them. and will came over and talked to me. and we hungout out. then we went over to the football stadium. charles was there. will left. a lot is a blur. meeting christian. everyone thought we should have gone out but i knew me and kevin had a connection. god now im tired ill finish this later.

mmmm guess who kissed me today? zach..... i was coming out of the science lab and we had been building earthquake-proof houses out of pasta and flour paste [lol that makes me sound like a first grader] and so i had icky paste crap all over my hands. and for some reason, zach was outside the lab and he was like "hey rachael. aww give me a hug." so im like yeah okay. but i couldnt really hug him cus i had glue crap all over me. so when he hugged me i think he said "give me a kiss" or something...but idk and i was like ok noooo. but he kissed me on the cheek. god. like no one likes zach. its kinda sad. poor thing. hes liked me since 1st grade. and we went out in 4th grade [i know lol] and i had to break up with him cus he was like pathetic and obsessive. and its 4th grade, relationships were never real and never lasted more than a week, even that was a stretch. and over the summer he randomly asked me out and i was like no....but he like wouldnt let it go and he convinced me to go out with him. so i did. and then ended it a week later. i mean, ill be friends with him but like i wish he wouldnt push it. hes a sweet guy but hes like not my type...i guess? at all. and i dont wanna hurt his feelings so i dont wanna be mean to him. but then again, i dont want to lead him on and break his heart. so im just kinda caught in the middle. whatever oh well. Christine needs to stop being so bitchy. i just wanna be like geez back the fuck off but im not that mean to my friends. like whenever she sees me hug zach, BAM shes on my case, and shes reeeally bitchy about it. she gets irritated with me too easily. oh well. ill write later.

mmmm hello FIVE THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO SAY TO FIVE DIFFERENT PEOPLE [im stealing this idea from someone else's journal. just fyi] 1. I really love you. Like not in the sense that you think you love me. I really like you and want to just hold on to you forever. You make me laugh; you're probably the funniest person i've ever met. You are so open to everything. I just want to spend every waking moment with you. I could go on and on... 2. You don't understand me. Honestly, stop taking me for granted. It's always about you. Like, shut the fuck up, no one cares about how you failed science. You act like it's some great accomplishment. Oh wow, you had a conversation with Jackie. It's not like shes going to sit there and ignore you. I didn't parade around when i hung out with her those many times with will. Can't you understand that the things i tell you are a big deal to me? Can't you try to understand? You don't know what it's like to be the way i am. It's really hard. 3. Okay. Stop making me do things i regret. I love you to death, but sometimes like i get this icky feeling when I'm with you. It's like nostalgia mixed with happyness mixed with regret. I don't know what it's about. Don't get me wrong, i wouldnt give you up for the world. you and me - Fresh till Death. 4. Man, i love you. You've always been there. I feel bad, you are like my crutch. When i fall down, you pick me back up, talk to me, and let me clear my head. And that's usually what i need most. You have Ellen now and im so incredibly happy for you. At first i still had feelings for you and was jealous but now im just happy. You deserve the world. Maybe one day we can pick back up where we left off. I wouldn't mind that. 5. You have been through more than sooo many of the people i know. You have a great personality. Sometimes you are a little immature and i have to stop you from making some of the mistakes ive made in the past. But that's what friends are for. We've escaped all kinds of trouble together. I know i get on your nerves sometimes. I apologize for being so self centered. Things aren't as good for you as they should be. You deserve so much better. I'll always be there for you. ill continue this later...and eventually have 10

Saw this on mowthwaush's journal and im bored so im gonna take this little quiz thing and post it. 1. Get pen and paper 2. WHEN CHOOSING NAMES, MAKE SURE THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW 3. GO WITH YOUR FIRST INSTINCTS !!!!! Very important for good results. 4. SCROLL DOWN 1. On a blank sheet of paper, WRITE NUMBERS 1 through 11 in a COLUMN on the LEFT. 2. Next to the NUMBERS 1 & 2, WRITE DOWN ANY 2 NUMBERS YOU WANT. 1. 3 2. 11 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 3. Next to the NUMBERS 3 & 7, WRITE DOWN THE NAMES OF TWO MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX. SAME SEX IF GAY 1. 3 2. 11 3. Taylor 4. 5. 6. 7. Kevin 8. 9. 10. 11. 4. WRITE ANYONES NAME (like FRIENDS or FAMILY...) next to 4, 5, & 6. 1. 3 2. 11 3. Taylor 4. Tori 5. Hannah 6. Will 7. Kevin 8. 9. 10. 11. 5. WRITE down FOUR SONG TITLES in 8, 9, 10, & 11 1. 3 2. 11 3. Taylor 4. Tori 5. Hannah 6. Will 7. Kevin 8. My Apocolypse 9. Friends and Alibis 10. Tilting the Hourglass 11. Let's Dance 1. THE NUMBER of PEOPLE THAT LIKE YOU is found in SPACE 2 11? ahh i doubt it. 2. THE PERSON IN SPACE 3 IS THE ONE YOU LOVE kayy 3. THE PERSON YOU LIKE but your relationship CANNOT WORK is in SPACE 7 kevin? yeah well hes a cool kid i guess. 4. YOU CARE MOST about the PERSON you put in SPACE 4 not really.... 5. THE PERSON YOU NAME IN NUMBER 5 IS THE ONE WHO KNOWS YOU VERY WELL. hannah? okay no way. 6. THE PERSON YOU NAMED IN 6 IS YOUR LUCKY STAR HAHA will? BAHAHA 7. THE SONG IN 8 IS THE SONG THAT MATCHES WITH THE PERSON IN NUMBER 3 well that doesnt make since, tilting the hourglass is our song.... 8. THE TITLE IN 9 IS THE SONG FOR THE PERSON IN 7 hmm ok. 9. THE 10TH SPACE IS THE SONG THAT TELLS YOU MOST ABOUT YOUR MIND okay then. not really. 10. AND 11 IS THE SONG TELLING HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT LIFE HAHA lets dance! by scotty vanity! alright. 11. NUMBER 1 IS YOUR LUCKY NUMBER yes it sure is. maybe thats why i put it there.

so things are looking up. which is good. taylor says i give really soft hugs. lol. im bad at giving hugs, i knew it all along. and taylor says he needs me. awww. how sweet. psh. so im leaving for china in less that 3 weeks. yay! i really cant wait. i need to get away from here. and china will give me some insight im sure. so. yeah. uhm. im trying not to rant. nothing has really happened lately. so ill write later.

a revelation "if you be my boat I'll be your sea a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze I live to make you free I live to make you free but you can set sail to the west if you want to and past the horizon till I can't even see you far from here where the beaches are wide just leave me your wake to remember you by if you be my star I'll be your sky you can hide underneath me and come out at night when I turn jet black and you show off your light I live to let you shine I live to let you shine but you can skyrocket away from me and never come back if you find another galaxy far from here with more room to fly just leave me your stardust to remember you by stardust to remember you by" im gonna let him go. this will be really hard. he didnt mean to hurt me. i set myself up for this. she truly loves him. and so do i. but i need to accept that she is what he needs. she needs him too. and ill live. and ill be there if he needs me sometimes. someday he'll forget. and it will all be okay. its for the best.

why is it that i always end up in this fucked up situation? its tearing me apart. i just want to fade away. make it all end. i would do anything to some peace of mind. anything.

so earlier i went and hung out at borders and it was fun. i got a new book. its called smack. apparently its supposed to be sorta like the perks of being a wallflower cus they are both written about kids in the 80s. i almoat bought invisible monsters but i decided to just get smack for now. i almost broke down in language arts. god. like taylor thought i was sad cus he wouldnt let me keep his sharpie....lol. i dont really know why im upset with him. hes too forgiving. plus he leads me on and confuses me :l i dont know what hes thinking. im not gonna keep ranting on about him...sorry its hard not to. we had this stupid writing test today. i completely made everything up. it was actually sorta funny...but mostly just boring. i got an email back from my chinese exchange kid. her english name is janet. shes pretty chill. there are only like 20 more days till i go to china. coolio. OM regionals are on the eigth of march. i finished sewing my skirt for that today. ill write later :l

ok ive come to the conclusion that its way to easy to skip classes at my school. right now im in the bathroom listening to my ipod, txting, and writing a journal entry online. lol. this is too fun. but then again im only doing this so that i dont have to see taylor. libbys back at school :l oh well shes a self proclaimed lesbian. i definatley dont say that to be mean. im about the least homophobic person ever. i dont know why any of this matters.....oh well. ill write later.