i cant smile anymore. im an incapable of it. even though im smiling 75% of the time its not a real smile. i dont remember the last time it came naturally to me. i have to think about it and when i flash my toothy grin i look uncomfortable and nervous. D: a speaker came to my school the other day. he survived the haulocaust and he told us about his experience. i bit my lip for the rest of the day, bolted through my front door, and finally cried on my kitchen floor. i cried for the first time in too long. all the emotions i kept bottled in me for years exploded and i was no longer able to contain myself. i wish i could be passionate about something or even someone. to care so much about what i am doing that i have my whole life revolve around it. however i am to bitter for that to happen. my steel body doesnt accept extreme emotions for anything/one. or maybe it just all in my head. whatever it is there is a barrier between me and the rest of the world. and oddly im very happy its there

you make me cry you cause me grief you fill my heart with regret you crush me with no mercy but while i lay here with the knife in my back that you thrust into my vulnerable body i forgive you i still miss you and now that the walls are closing in and i bleed on this hardwood floor i only see your face you did more than break me you slaughtered me but the worst part is i was happily slaughtered because at least i was close to you for just a few moments. you were my greatest mistake

i used to find comfort in food but then i got fat so i gave up on that. then i found comfort in my mom but she'd anonymously tell my story to her friends and theyd get a good giggle out of my problems. so i turned to music which worked for a really long time until the repetitve words and annoying choruses seriously got on my nerves. and the fact that good music is at a minimul was also an attribute. ultimately friends came into the picture and i became dependent on them for comfort and this worked for an even longer while but eventually they would clumsly spill my secrets and stop inviting me to the mall so yea as much as you think your friends are the best and they'll never abandon you. your in denial. so here i am. with no comfort. swimming in an endless sea of pain. i wonder what ill turn to next. my opinions are getting me into trouble my laziness is resulting in my social isolation however not my grades slipping because thats the only thing that keeps my mind off of things it shouldnt be on. my bitchiness is totally not my fault but is obviously getting on everyones nerves. haha. who gives a fuck. oh there i go again. i wish people were smarter. our population is getting so stupid thats such a shame. i dont think we will be flying hovercars anytime soon "wish i could hold you up in my arms keep you safe and sound from any harm

oh what i'd do to never feel pain again. i'd do almost anything. im sick of being shanked hour after hour physically and mentally. i feel like im falling. and when i hit the ground i know everything's going to change. i just want to fast forward through junior high one more semester. just one more but i dont know how much more i cant take. im bleeding and it hurts

well my grandma is coming next weekend. im SUPER excited =D i painted walls, cleaned carpets, did laundry, and cleaned the fridge. that was my eventful saturday. haha anyways i think i have a crush on my neighbor :O i've been reading a lot recently: atonement, i am the messenger, nick and norah's infinite playlist, the burn journals, the perks of being a wallflower, the secret, god dellusion, and running with scisssors baha im a nerd. well schools tomorrow. i REALLY dont want to go. D: going means work work means hassles hassles mean uggggggg

life is confusing. on top of my judegemental and hypocritical christian classmates, school has become more difficult and my family keeps fighting. i feel isolated from everything. i dont feel passionate about anything. everything is monotone and honestly im kind of happy for this temporary silence. i dont have to make up excuses for why im i can't go to the mall or have to worry about missed calls. im alone with no one to care for. as nice as it is to give up these hassles. but over time the silence turns into lonliness. and i wait by the phone for someone to call. anyone. i need someone to care. i took it all for granted

my indescisive ways will be my downfall the hate pouring out my ears will be my barrier the love that i've never experienced will be my suicide

im nervous. for no reason. im trembling for no reason. everytime you touch me i melt so stop touching me. D: my heart is pumping out of my chest FOR NO FUCKING REASON i think im insane im alone in my house with calming music however my palms are drenched and can hear my heartbeat in my ears. i feel nautious and i keep crying what is wrong with me?

prank phone calls make me smile ME: hello? THEM: this is alfonzo ME: ok... THEM: this is alfonzo ME: okay alfonzo what do you need? THEM: your mom ME: well my mom isnt home.. THEM: i want to fuck your mom ME: what the fuck THEM: well i mean i want to fuck your mom again actually ME: fuck you THEM: no no fuck your mom i think that made my day. how pathetic. cute guy in my neighborhood gave me a head nodd :] also extremely pathetic i also find it enjoyable to read marriage magazines im so pathetic that i think i need a new word to describe my pathetic-ness not much more to say other than...i want to fuck your mom

insomnia is not fun. ecspecially when your house has an alarm there's no escape