been a while since i've wrote anything in here. ive been listening to american idol contestants slaughter beatles songs to an extent that i want to hang a noose around my neck. it drives me insane. they are killing classics. uhm im going clubbing on thursday night. not that i really want to. im more of a people pleaser than i thought. i seem to have a lot of trouble saying no. she only wants me to go so her parents will let her go since they love me but i shouldnt give a fuck. i dont want to go. its not my scene. fuuuucckkk. its too late now and i have to lie to my parents to go too. what if something happens? what if i get raped or kidnapped? my parents will have no idea because im not telling them where i am in the first place. ohhhh shit :[ im paranoid. im anxious. i shouldnt go. but i have to. D: sometimes i wish we could go back to the 90s. where id watch pinky and the brain and the big comfy couch and have no really problems. nothing stressed me out. nothing made me guilty. i was free to do what i please and didnt feel the emotion consequence. my only excuse was "but moooom im just a kid" doesnt seem to work anymore. i've been having panic attacks. they scare me. i havent told anybody about them though because i dont want anyone to worry about me, esp my mom who doesnt need anymore stress. and my friends use and abuse me so whats the point in telling them. if i drop dead right now i know only 3 people who would be completely and genuinely heart broken. and i would only feel the same for 1. everyone is fake and everyone has hidden motives. everyone has multiple personalities and no one can be trusted. what a society we live in. i need to get away

mellow day i hope this mellow-ness stays spent the day with amy. i love her. saw vantage point. i think im getting back into the swing of things :]]

haha i just re-read that makes me want to hit my head on the wall and say angst angst angst just like in harry puppet pals from you tube :]] quick mood change i know. i think i may be a hypocrite for hating bipolar people when i may just be one of them. "can i touch your buns?" -eric foreman

i've come to realize that i complain a lot on these journals when honestly i've inflicted all the pain on myself. I'M the one who isolated myself I'M the one who never called back my friends I'M the one who refused to go to any social gathering and look where it got me. i'm alone and fucked i've also come to realize i have A LOT of angst and anger that i really need to let out i need to find some non-verbal & non-violent method of letting out my aggression :/ i've once again come to realize that im not as nice as i seem. people say that im so nice and that i need to be more cynical and shit well have you ever fucking thought of the possibility that i am bruatally honest and a terrible person but not to your face? that i tell everyone how i feel exept you and im so conving and manipulating that you never found out? yea im that good ive had so many realizations as well as the fact that no one changes. after years and years the person that you most expected would be a better person ends up being teh same bastard that fucked you up in the beginning. yea change is possible but you'll always have a little piece of what you once were. call me pessimistic or call me honest. whatever it is i have no hope in humanity. we have dug a hole so deep full of shit theres no climbing out. theres no room for optimism anymore. fuck all the people in happy little bubbles that no one can seem to pop. fuck all those sissy bitches who breeze through life with not the slgihtest care. fuck all those blonde katy zombies that make me want to appologize to god or whatever created us for the terrible people we have become. no morals. no love. want to know why we have no love? because its easier to hate we all know this. i promise you we repeat the word hate more than love. both words represent extreme emotions that we just throw around. we say i love you before we mean it and i hate you before we truely feel it. im jealous of my parents for going through there childhood with none of this shit. and i pity myself for having such a shitty life and all the shitty people around me. fuck you all

why is everyone so boring? i need excitement again i need something foreign and new the one spontaneous fun person in my life pretty much left me here I'M GOING INSANE

i dont mean to be judgemental. but if your bi-polar i will most likely hate you. i hate them all of them i have no patience for them

i want to be happy more than anything in the world. and it makes me mad when other people won't accept that they are happy and instead decide to bitch about the little things that dont even matter. ive also decided that i cant stand up for myself. when i do i question myself and keep rehearsing my sentences and right when im ready to say what i feel i fuck up my words and i feel a lump in my throat. god what is wrong with me. why cant i just say it? honestly i think its because im scared that when i say it the other person will come back wiith a remark that tears me apart, because if i have to think so hard about it they must mean something to me. and im scared to lose more people in my life. im too sensitive. i cant handle harsh words. well he got a girlfriend. a girlfriend that looks like a cheap whore :[ i really thought it might work with him i guess not "im not oh fucking kay" -mcr they understand me :]

"You were always my enemy, you sucked the life out of me Your words are deadly weapons Killing me, destroying me"

i hate texas. because even though the wind is blowing cold and hard the sun manages to be a sneaky little bastard making everything fucking hot again. :/ 12 weeks til summer :] its crazy im extatic i didnt do anything today however i did sit in my dark room contemplating my weekend. picking it apart minute by minute trying to find a miniscule error. something to bring up my anxiety. well i found several things i did wrong several things i want to fix several things that made me want to jump out of my skin and run away. instead i just slept. i hate that i do this. i hate that i dont look forward with my life and choose to waste an entire day panicing over my previous days. im insecure okay? thats it. im too concerned with everyone else i should just stop. but its easier typed then done. fuck this. fuck life. fuck everything thats hurt me and made me this fucked up.

your annoying your presence irritates me your immature but i dont know what id do with out you :] your controling your stubborn you get everything you ask for and im so jealous but you make me a better person your smart your asian your amazing but we dont talk much anymore which is partially...completely my fault im so sorry your mean your fun to be around your so much like me but youve changed and it sucks you have moodswings that take me completely off gaurd im sorry but i cant stand you anymore you console me you listen to me you love me unconditonally however you dont exist for me what a shame