you need to chill. like seriously you need to relax. or like meditate or something. clear your mind. relax. You inner panic was written all across the journal. like four pages worth. you will be fine. So I'm going to put down some things to help you meditate. Yeah I know the probablity of your panic going away right now is low but we will try this any way. But you actually have to try this. http://www.learningmeditation.com/

I'm so proud of you. Kudos for not liking him. =]

so band band band is on my mind. how i'm not prepared to pass off today. or practice with my accompanist. in fact i'm still freaking about the whole piano music thing. i talked to her last night about it, so my mom is bringing the music for horn in D up here. We will look at it and go from there. She has someone else playing that piece so...yeah

so I'm not mad you forgot it. its cool. just bring it tommorrow. but don't avoid me because of it. your my best friend. i wouldn't hate you even if your mom had found it & trashed it. just be upfront and honest. i'm sorry for yelling about it yesterday. i was being pretty ridiculous. so i can see why you ran off this morning. so are we cool?

The crow stares as I grieve, When oh when will you leave? The clock has just struck twelve, Place my grief on a shelve Well, everything is over. Austin turns out to be a very sweet guy, And I did really hurt him. He will probably never like girls again. And I have proven to be a bitch. Oh and he told me if everything worked out between the two of us he would have been straight. There goes something I can remember for the rest of my life. My first relationship, I turn a guy gay. Because I'm that horrible of a person.

Please my little ol' crow, What oh what did you know? Did you know from the start, Or was that just my heart? So I called him. And now I'm waiting. He was still at school, So he said he'd call me back. Now I'm slightly nervous. Well...alittle more than slightly. Maybe more like alot nervous. Cause I screwed up again. Thats not a new thing I suppose. But it still is nerve-racking. Ame says everything will be fine. And I trust her so I'm sure it will be. But still. I'm scared. And panicky. Very panicky. Oh my god, I'm such a bitch. How could I have done that to him? I really hurt him, didn't I? Or maybe I'm just overreacting. I think I do that alot.

Little crow sitting there, Why oh why do you stare? Is it my eyes of brown, Or my unhappy frown? Right now, I'm not very happy. And the way this whole Austin deal is going, I'm not going to be happy for a while. Or atleast until all this stuff is figured out. He keeps giving me that look, Like he is this sad hurt little boy. And it fills me with guilt that I'm sick of. Everytime I look at him I feel horrible. I don't want to feel guilty anymore. Its not my fault he broke up with me. And its not my fault he decided to tell everyone he was gay without being entirely sure if he was gay or not. I thought that complicated mess would be over with, then he has to tell me he likes me again. I don't even know if he really likes me. Then he wants me to go out with him and keep it a secret. My feelings are being dragged around on a chain! Who the hell does he have to impress by being gay dammit! Argh! jkl;fasjdjlafkd!!! Lemme wallow around in self pity some. I'M NOT A FUCKING GUY! If he is gay he needs to go get himself a man. And I'm not a fucking sidewalk either. I am not for him to walk all over. If he wants a girlfriend, he needs to let everyone know he is straight. Or atleast Bi. I'm a girl. A very emotional girl. Who would like to be treated with a little more respect. Please and Thank you. ::sigh:: Even after all this ranting I still feel incredibly guilty. Like its all my fault he feels like this. But its not, is it? Was I too harsh? Did I yell at him too much this morning? He wouldn't talk to anyone during first block. I feel so horrible. He told me to call him if I wanted to talk. Oh hell. What am I going to do? This is too fucking complicated for me.

Gah! I so didn't expect to see the latest journal being yours. It made me feel super super happy. I was like latest journal, nvrbeenkissd? Even though I'm sick, the timeing was perfect. I hope you'll get to read this. Poor Penguin I hope he gets better.

Yesterday I wouldn't wake up till 10:00. Then when I woke up I felt absolutly miserable. I had a high fever and a bad headache. My throat was sore and I continued to feel bad. Last night at about 11:30 I broke my fever. I felt so much better. Mom wouldn't let me go to school though. :[ I understand why now though. I woke up this morning and I can't swallow anything. Unless I want to be in a hell of a lot of pain. I've tried throat losengers, so since that didn't work I'm going to try and drink hot tea.

I have nothing to say that can describe how I feel. I'm fucking horrible at saying everything I need to say. Thats why I'm in this mess anyways. But who want to be around someone miserable. I feel so horrible. Its like this massive hurt that never completely goes away. whatever. no point in me writing this.