Current Music: I Miss You by Incubus so. i'm dating again. =] we started going out on the 30th. it's been amazing. he is the best guy i have ever dated. he's nice, funny, considerate, sarcastic (like me =] ), and just overall awesome. lol the only flaw i have found so far was his taste in music..(he likes rap) but it's not a huge disappointment. i can get over something like that. he just makes me feel so special. i want to spend every day with him and i haven't gotten sick of him. i can spend all day and all night with him and it will feel like no time has gone by. things definitely are serious with us though. we slept together VERY early in our relationship. and i was his first, which made me feel really special surprisingly. we can't keep our hands off each other no matter where we are lol. i'm definitely falling for him. i just hope i don't get hurt again. thats the only fear i have right now. but i have a really good feeling about him.

Current Music: Vulnerable by Secondhand Serenade i broke up with him. it wasn't working, and i know that, but i will miss being in a relationship. not necessarily with him but in general... the only problem is that me breaking up with him caused so much more drama than i need right now...my best friend wants to continue to be friends with him. and i, under normal circumstances don't care, however he had told me while we were going out that if he wasn't with me, he would try to date my friend. i wish i didn't ever know that..like the night i heard about that i just felt so..worthless i guess. idk..but the point is that, since i know that, i don't want them being friends. and my friend doesn't get why i don't want them to. it's not that i don't trust her, it's that i don't trust how he is around girls he likes...alright i really don't want to think about it, i just have to see how it goes... anyway..i basically broke up with him cause he was soooo clingy, and let's face it, i never loved him. not even sure i ever liked him. i told him i still wanted to be friends, but that was more of a reflex than an actual want. and the most fucked up part of this is that he said he is only gonna be friends with me so we can get back together in the future...and thats NOT GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN! i'm not that stupid...obviously stupid enough to go out with him AND sleep with him though..ha..let's not go to that topic again. i just signed into myspace and my ex's friend (who introduced us, and who i also thought was my friend) emailed me saying how fucked up it was how i broke up with the guy, he even called me a bitch. (it was through an email) and basically more bitching to me. for the record, i DO know that how i did it was so fucked up. but i have been broken up with through ways worse than that. i am sooo horrible saying things i need to say in person though/or on the phone. i always end up either saying the wrong thing completely or not saying anything at all. i said it through an email because it was the best way to handle it. and honestly the guy was really clingy and had violent tendencies. (apparently when he read it he fought like his best friend a few minutes later.) so rather than even put myself in that situation i completely avoided it. idk the whole thing is just so pointless..i thought me and this kid were friends but i was seriously wrong. now that i'm really thinking about it, i should have been more honest with my ex. i told him i needed a break from dating, and thats kind of true..maybe?? honestly i just didn't want to date HIM. but the sad thing is, i am in no way upset about how things ended up..i already kind of like someone else..but i'm not gonna talk about that cause it's wayyy too early. ooh..i love this song: Right On Right Now by Powerspace.it's sooo good. it always puts me in a good mood =D. My feet are shuffling The clouds roll in, the wind at my neck But every day's a thunderstorm I'm always walking back these days I live to pass time It makes sense in my mind But that's not a reason To keep this weak heart beating And I know that this place And these walls and this race Will melt down in one breath And leave it all behind me My feet are shuffling The clouds roll in, the wind at my neck But every day's a thunderstorm I'm always walking back these days My knees are quivering The cliff's edge so inviting, yeah The lightning hits my chest But the shock is so routine for me these days You stand up and I bow Right on, right now I'm always hoping for some enjoyment from disappointment I can feel the misery from some place deep inside of me My feet are shuffling The clouds roll in, the wind at my neck But every day's a thunderstorm I'm always walking back these days My knees are quivering The cliff's edge calls me The lightning hits my chest But the shock is so routine for me these days You make my bed, I'll make your day I'll write down every word you say And stuff it in a record sleeve And make sure no one ever, ever finds it Can you save me now? Someone, somehow Right on, right now ***lately, some of the music i've been listening to i really, really relate to. and that's usually a good thing, but some of the lyrics of the songs make me realize that i'm the girl that breaks the guys heart. i've been listening to A Change of Pace and Crash Romeo a lot and I guess that's why. Cause alot of their music is like that, and i love both bands. But it's like AHH, depressing! wow i just realized how long this was. ha no one's gonna read this shit but me anyway..oh well :p

Current Music: Paperthin Hymn by Anberlin i don't love him. i don't know what to do. he's been saying he loves me, and i have said it back simply because i felt so bad not saying anything back towards him. but i don't love him. it's so unfair to him, cause he thinks he's in a loving relationship and he's not. i feel terrible, guilty even, every time he says he loves me. i say it back, but i don't mean it. i feel like a horrible person.

Current Music: All Hail The Heartbreaker by The Spill Canvas so, i'm going out with someone. i'm not sure if i like him. i still have feelings for the other guy i've been talking about. i'm just sick of waiting for him to make a move. i made it clear to him that i like him and he did nothing with that information even though i know he likes me too. ahh idk whatever. so yeah i'm going out with this guy i met about 2 weeks ago. he's nice. makes me laugh a lot. i guess thats whats important, but idk if i like him as a boyfriend. well i guess i will see how it goes. i do feel kind of guilty though since i have feelings for someone else while i am going out with this guy. idk i'm so confused just thinking about it. eww and another thing. the guy im going out with knows my cousin. and before we were going out, he and my cousin were cool with each other, but since my cousin found out me and this guy are together, he hates him. they're about ready to fight each other. i hope my cousin is just doing this cause he is honestly worried about me and trying to protect me in some way, and not that he is jealous. i really thought the whole strange crush on me thing was over. and he is dating someone else anyway! it doesn't make any sense. idk whatever....its still creepy. and my best friend just told us that she is bi. and not only that but she is dating one of our other friends who came out not that long ago. ok, now im not homophobic in any way but something just doesn't seem right about this. and its been bugging me since she told me. i really just don't see their relationship lasting. something tells me that my best friend is only in this to hook up whereas the girl she is with is starting to fall hard..and fast. i dont want anyone to get hurt but it might be inevitable. and i know people are gonna have to start taking sides when they break up. i just wish friends weren't so confusing

Current Music: The Better Part Of Valor by Houston Calls *where i got my journals title :] so, my cousin definitely toned down on the whole making me uncomfortable/incest thing. it REALLY creeped me out. like, seriously you have no idea..yuck! haha anyway, i'm starting to think that maybe no ones meant to be happy. like maybe everything we have been told about love was complete bullshit. maybe there isn't any such thing as soulmates. soulmates are what you make them to be. i think my soulmates will be my friends. they mean the world to me and i have no idea who i would be without them. and from now on guys can just be these really cool people we know. not soulmates, just good friends. idk maybe i'm being cynical with the whole "not meant to be happy" thing. but the way i look at it, how can i be? too much bad shit has happened to me that at this point its impossible to be happy. one thing i love about this site is that you can say anything you want. anything at all about anyone and anything you want. its completely anonymous. and thats powerful. its sort of the cheap way of getting stuff out of your head. but thats ok, cause it works. i've never been able to keep up with a diary, but for some reason this works for me :]

ok so this isn't something i really want to post anywhere. but i need to do something to take it off of my mind.. i've been hanging out with my cousin a lot lately. and he, like i said is a really cool guy, but he is now so comfortable around me and like flirts with me. at first i wasn't that weirded out by it cause he flirts with every single person he knows, but it's really getting out of hand. he will randomly hug me all the time. he'll mouth the words "fuck me" from across the room. when we hang out and it's just the 2 of us, he's really bad. he's asked to hold my hand several times, he'll make sex jokes with me all the time, he's called me his wife. and as if all of that wasn't creepy enough, he came out and told me that he would ask me out if we weren't cousins. how fucking creepy is that?!?!? i can't hang out with him alone now. i need his friends to be there with us or i'll get creeped out. it's really strange. i mean, i knew this family was fucked up beyond belief, but i had no idea incest would be involved o_0

surprisingly not listening to music lol today was unbelievable. i hung out with my cousin and his friends. omfg, they are so much fun. we just did the most random shit ever but i had more fun with them just doing random shit then hanging out with my own friends. i already see this becoming a problem, cause tomorrow i'm ditching my friends to hang out with them tomorrow. oh well, as long as my friends don't really find out it's all good. and there's another slight problem..i think i might have a crush on my cousins friend. i mean, it's nothing major, but idk there's just something about him that i like. he's not even really my usual "type" but that really doens't matter to me. he is in one word..amazing. he's not someone i'd call "hot" but he is so adorable. i love it. he's a lot of fun to be around. and for a change, he's older than me lol. thats always a plus...change is good. lol. hopefully things will work out and by some strange chance he may have feelings for me, but with the way things are going lately, i doubt it. my luck's not that good..

Current Music: All Over You by The Spill Canvas ok, so if a song isn't religious. don't say it is. i'm so tired of people turning any song that is remotely happy into "finding god." it's like OMG he's there, and you finally found him. GOOD JOB JACKASS! i was not brought up religious and maybe that makes me sort of cynical, but bible hugger or not i know when a song is fucking religious. and more importantly i know when it isn't. please learn people, for everyones sanity

Current Music: So Close So Alive by Just Surrender i love this song. something about it just puts you in a good mood. all of just surrenders songs put you in a good mood, however the same songs also have the ability to help you out when your in a depressed mood. trust me, if you haven't heard of them, go on and pick up their cd. its amazing, and it will truly change your life :] so, i've started hanging out with my cousin a lot lately. it turns out that he's pretty cool. usually he's just someone to talk to at family shit during the holidays, but he's turning out to be a really fun person to hang out with. which is really weird for me to say cause i am so not a family person. his friends are pretty awesome too. his one friend (we'll call him charlie) for whatever reason i'm like drawn to him. i find myself looking at his myspace every day. whenever i hang out with my cousin i find myself hoping he will be there. i want to start to get to know him better but i just don't wanna put myself on the spot again. i'm so terrified of getting hurt again. idk what to do..i'm trying not to think about it but so far it's not working : / i've decided that i'm in desperate need of a new crowd. i'm just so sick of my friends. i feel like all we do is the same shit. we have more drama to deal with than we have fun. it's just getting old really fast. part of me wants to lose them, and never talk to them again. but part of me can't leave behind the only people who have been there with me when things started to get really bad. just one more thing i don't know how to deal with. on one postive note, i started sending in my college applications...i'm kind of nervous about it though. for the most part i've applied to colleges that are atleast 2-3 hours away. i just don't want to get stuck here. this place sucks...nothing happens here. the truth is that i'm terrified of becoming my sisters. one who is still taking courses at brookdale after 4 years and has no idea what she wants to do in life. or the other who is 22 and has a baby and no job, and she's not married. if all goes well, i will leave this town and everyone in it behind. and i'll never look back.

Current Music: Never Too Late by Three Days Grace i've started posting comments to some songs lately. so far it's only paramore and just surrender songs..big surprise there lol. i mean thats why they have this site, so you can analyze different lyrics and say what you think they mean. they should have a part that says what the artist intended it to mean in the first place though. that would be pretty cool. omg i can't wait for bamboozle this year. it's gonna be amazing. this is gonna be my second year there, but last year i only went one day. this year i'm going both days and i'm going with more people. its unbelieveable. i'm so excited. lol, its sad..i check the bamboozle site almost every day cause i wanna know who is headlining. i have a really strong feeling one of them is All Time Low because i know for a fact that they are going to be there, but they aren't listed on the site for the lineup. i hope its them though cause then my life would be awesome lol. wow, i just realized that all i ever talk about anywhere, with anyone is music. someone i was just talking to told me i am obsessed with music and need a new hobby lol. fuck that! music is all anyone needs to be happy. seriouslly, you can always count on music to be there for you. whether your happy, sad, angry, or anything, there is a song out there for you to listen to and relate to. maybe i am a little obsessed, but there are worse things to be obsessed with trust me.. i guess the reason i rely on music so much is because my personal life sucks..lol. i mean my mom is gone, my dad is an asshole, my sisters don't understand me. i'm probably not even gonna be talking to my best friends a year from now. and to top everything off..i am single lol. i guess you could say music numbs the pain. it makes you realize that there are other people out there going through the exact same things that you are. the world feels a lot less lonely when you have music.