Current Music: Shameless by All Time Low well, my life doesn't suck as much anymore. idk what changed..nothing really did i guess. hmm, maybe it's just the holidays. there's this guy i go to school with that i have such a connection with. i don't even really know him well but i find myself thinking about him like all the time. i ran into him at the mall the other day while i was christmas shopping and talked to him for a couple minutes. he's so nice. i keep hoping that maybe he likes me, but i'm not exactly lucky when it comes to shit like that. i went to my aunts house today for christmas eve. hung out with my cousin who is all of a sudden the coolest person i know lol. he has changed so much since the last time i saw him. my other cousin is here from florida and i haven't seen her in about 4 years. it was surprisingly nice to see everyone. tomorrow should be interesting...waking up for presents, then going to my aunts house again for probably the whole day again. oh well, i won't mind as long as theres stuff to do. OMG, last night i went to the most UNBELIEVABLE concert in asbury park. it was rushmore, can you keep a secret, just surrender, and all time low. seriously it was the best concert i have ever been to and i have been to a shitload of concerts lol. and not to mention the guys in all time low are fucking sexy

Current Music: Even Angels Fall by Jessica Riddle so, today i had work. nothing much happened there but i saw someone there who had the most amazing tattoo. it said music saves lives, and it went down from his elbow to his wrist. it was sick. i was so jealous. lol. i wanted to go up to him and be like "you're amazing. be my best friend?" lol but i didn't. sadly, nothing else is exciting in my life right now so i'm gonna have to cut this one short

Current Music: Fat Lip by Sum 41 this year sucked. i went to this place called Smithville which is basically a tackier version of old country buffet. i was with my dad and stepdad. it was so boring. i wanted to kill something so atleast id be entertained for a little while. i hate "family moments." thanksgiving used to actually mean something in my family. but since my mom died, holidays don't mean as much as they used to. before, after i got home from work, my sister offered to let me move in with her once she moves out. i honestly would go nuts if i did. but id deal with her so much better than my dad. the only problem is, i'm not 18 yet and i can't legally move out without my dads permission and theres no way he will let me because then he won't be able to collect social security. social security which is mine by the way. though i've never seen any of that money.. must go do something with my time. maybe i'll go get coffee again..it'll only be like my 5th cup today. oh well

Current Music: Last Resort by Papa Roach i feel empty inside. it's almost as if i'm numb. i am constantly being disappointed and i just don't care anymore. i don't know how long i can go on like this. it's like everything possible thing that could go wrong, does. and i can't do a thing to stop it.

Current Music: Fences by Paramore I spent my entire day watching America's Next Top Model. (thats where the title came from for this journal.) seriously, i have been so bored all day. i have not left the house and i didn't bother getting dressed. oh well, atleast i start work tomorrow. thats gonna be interesting. oh and now i'm mad at one of my friends. she just told me before that she now can't go to the concert on december 23. and i don't go to concerts with anyone else. its fucking pissing me off because i really really wanted to go and now i can't. all because she has to go to a family christmas party that she doesn't even want to go to. it just, doesn't make sense. you see, concerts put me into a better mood, and now i'm just gonna be generally pissed off rather than be in a good mood. idk whatever..people just..suck. i need a change. i don't know what kind of change. but something in my life just needs to be different. and better because right now i'm hating everything. i feel like punching something, or someone. i'm not even violent in any way either. idk, whatever. i wish i had some way to be destructive but i lack the imagination to do so.. i'm in a really weird mood right now. i probably should go find something to do...hmm, maybe i'll leave the house...

Current Music: Bedroom Talk by The Starting Line "One of these days maybe your magic won’t affect me And your kiss won’t make me weak But no one in this world knows me the way you know me So you’ll probably always have a spell on me" well i'd like to start off by saying that i do not like rihanna..at all. none of her songs have a deep meaning. that is, except for hate that i love you. i was driving home before from getting coffee (which i am addicted to) and that song came on, and its just so appropriate. i mean i love "sam" so much and i hate that i do. i honestly wish i could forget about him but i can't. "And I hate how much I love you boy I can’t stand how much I need you And I hate how much I love you boy But I just can’t let you go And I hate that I love you so.." it's funny, i usually never listen to the radio. but for whatever reason in my car before, i gave it a try. and ofcourse, the first song to come on, i relate to. thats the reason i love music so much, because it's so easy to relate to. but sometimes it really isn't a good thing. i swear it's like the radio is out to get me..because right after that, big girls don't cry came on. and fergie is another one who, although she has a good voice, hardly ever sings songs of substance. and right when i thought it couldn't get worse, i changed the station and i'll be by edwin mccain came on. literally the cutest love song ever made. i have loved that song since the first time i heard it, but it still makes me sad cause one night in my car it came on when "sam" was with me and we started singing along. it was a really cute moment for us. i miss him so much it hurts

Current Music: I'm Getting Over You by The Click Five yeah, nothing exciting happened today. i hung out with a friend but thats basically it. i bought the new click five cd and it needs to be known that its an AMAZING cd. seriously, everyone should own it. and i need to let everyone know that the guys in the bad are so hot. its unbelievable how hot they are haha. my taste in guys drastically changed over the past few years. i'm really into like rocker guys now lol. i used to like preppy guys, then i liked athletic guys, now it's this. and if the guy has tattoos or piercings, it just makes him even hotter. ooh and lip rings are so hot on guys right now. not really digging eyebrow piercings on guys but that doesn't mean its not hot lol. i'm saying the word hot a lot. seriously i just read this paragraph and realized that. oh well lol. i'm also saying sweet a lot too. but i blame my friend for that...shes always saying that something is sweet. i really want to go to a concert, but theres nothing good going on until december. and that makes me sad cause i want to go to one like tomorrow lol. this is really random but i want to date a guy in a band, i think that it would be fun. i've never really gone after musicians but i mean generally they are my type right now. and come on, any guy that plays guitar is fuckin hottt :] actually any guy that plays any instrument is hot... i have no idea why i write on here everyday, but it's become a habit. i feel like i need to even if nothing has happened at all. i mean i don't even really think people read this. but hey if anyone does, more power to you..whatever does it for you lol. i personally think i've only read like one persons journal and it frankly wasn't that interesting. on that same point, i guess mine isn't either. maybe that other person is just like me and its just a habit now. who knows. who cares? lol. i really hope i get a guitar for christmas this year. i might be, cause literally thats all i asked for. well, that and money. you know, basic necessities..lol. i'm really trying to be friends with my ex, but not even for the right reasons. i'm hoping that one day he'll want to try again, and i just want to be there to hopefully ensure that. i mean how fucked up is that? i only want to be friends with him so we can date again? hey maybe i'll find out the real reason we broke up. that would be interesting. idk, i can't seem to get him out of my head. everytime my phone rings, i hope its him. everytime i hear his name, my whole face lights up. i just want so bad to be with him again. i'd do whatever it takes to work things out. i don't even know what i did, if i did anything..to make him not want to be with me. one of our friends though told me him breaking up with me didn't have anything to actually do with me. but she wouldn't tell me what his reason was. she actually claimed she didn't even know the real reason, but she's full of shit. he tells her everything. well i must, once again try and get my college applications done. it's probably like the millionth time i've tried. i should have already started sending them in, but hey what can i say? i'm a slacker.. more tomorrow on my ever so eventful life :]

Current Music: Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews Band i've been in a really sullen mood for so long. i want to just let go and have fun. i'm not really sure how to do that though. idk, maybe i just need to go out and party for one night. the only problem with that plan is that no one around here parties..so i'm out of luck i guess. cause this town sucks. i hate it here. now i'm listening to U Must Be by Gina Rene and yeah, um it's kind of depressing me. "You must be the reason i'm alive." "everytime i'm next to you i feel something thats forever." "together we're just so complete." the reason i love music is that you can always relate to it, but sometimes that is not a good thing. i want new friends, i am so bored with my current ones. there's nothing to do, all we do is sit on my friends couch while she goes on the computer and we watch tv. and if for some strange reason we do go out, it's not for long, and we don't go anywhere fun..i need new people to entertain me. it sucks that i feel this way because they've been my best friends for years and have been through a lot of shit with me. i feel like all of my journals say the same thing...how i'm not happy, i want to leave, i hate most people i know...just reading my past journals depresses me even more..that i why i never kept a diary before, because i would always read about shit that happened that i wanted to forget. but i would write them down anyway..how much sense does that make? hmm..not much at all. well i will go and try to do something that will be interesting to post on here. wish me luck :p

Current Music: Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls well, i could say i made a huge dent in my applications, but that would be a lie..it's my fault. i am a huge procrastinator. i haven't finished any of them. it's a huge shock that i even took the SATs..most of the time i wish things could be different. if only my mom hadn't died last year, if only my dad was a better person, if only my sisters understood me at all, if only i felt that my friends are true friends. my life is full of a million "if onlys." i have so many trust issues with every single person i know. i'm convinced that no one is actually on my side..the only time i really felt..loved, was with sam. which makes no sense cause i haven't even known him that long. i've discovered that i have a fear of being single. it's called anuptaphobia. ever since sam and i broke up, i've just been thinking about how i would take him back in an instant if he gave me the chance. my friends called me crazy for even thinking about taking him back after how he treated me like complete shit. but it really doesn't matter, i'm a romantic, and i believe in second chances even though i am always let down. it's a bad mix when they are together..believe me. well, to completely change the subject...thanksgiving is almost here. which means yet another night i get to dread with my family. holidays are such a joke in my family ever since my mom died. i mean the thought of even sitting in the same room with my dad and sisters makes me hate them even more. oh and thats another thing..my nephew is apparently the thing everybody has to now focus all of their attention on now. he's only 7 months old and my sister makes it seem like no one else fucking matters. we were talking about my birthday (i'm turning 18 in march) and she started to say how my birthday isn't gonna be a big deal because her son's birthday is the month after mine. i flipped the fuck out and was like "he isn't the most important fucking thing around. believe it or not bitch, other people have lives that don't revolve around their kids." ok, so i didn't call my sister a bitch but i was so close to it. and at one point during this conversation i said that my mom would have disowned her if she had a baby when my mom was still alive. my sister had riley when she was 21, my mom died before my sister ever knew she was pregnant, but if she were alive, my mom wouldve flipped out and kicked her out of the fucking house. it's amazing how barely a year has passed and already they have basically forgotten about my mom. i don't remember the last time anyone talked about her...it's like they never cared. i'll be the first to admit that i wasn't upset when it first happened. we all saw it coming, but when school started, thats when it hit me, and it hit hard. i'd give anything to go back to when my life made sense. sometimes i miss my mom so much that its unbearable...there have been days that i didn't want to see anyone or do anything. it was even a surprise if i left my room. i wish therapy worked for me, cause i would so try. but the last time i tried therapy, the fucking bitch told my mom everything i said. i hated her so much from the moment i met her. it was weird, but she always reminded me of my geometry teacher, who i also hated..it was a very vicious cyle. idk, i guess i don't have much faith in people.. for someone who claims to be happy, i spend a lot of my time being depressed. i cannot wait to go to college and forget about everything here. make new friends, do better things with my time..become a completely different person. and forget that my life here ever existed. i have every intention of leaving here, never coming back, and never speaking to my family again. as cold and bitter as that sounds, it's the only chance i'm gonna have at a normal life. the only thing i will honestly try to hold onto are my best friends. but even with them, i'm already seeing myself outgrow them both. it's sad but true. it's as if i'm losing everybody and i just can't seem to hold onto anything. maybe i'm just being pessimistic, but i can't just change into an optimist, no matter how much i want to. *written much later.. Currently Music: Teenagers by My Chemical Romance my life is so sad lately. i haven't done much of anything the past few days. writing this is probably the most interesting thing i have done at all. oh yeah i gave someone a ride today, oh hey atleast i left the house though. i guess thats always a plus. atleast i'm starting my new job on monday. that'll give me something to do. and i definitely need the money. i'm so addicted to watching sex and the city right now. it's always on tv. i think ive seen every episode, which is kind of sad, i mean what am i going to do with that information? i really hate my sisters. they don't understand me at all, and they sure as shit don't respect me. i get the feeling all the time that they hate me too. which is really fucked up cause family is supposed to be who you love and trust the most. i will never feel that way about them though. did you ever get to a point in your life where you realized that no one is there for you? that theres no one to turn to and theres nothing you can do about it? thats where i am right now. i just want everything to be different. but nothing ever changes, everything will always be the same idk i'm just a huge mess right now. might post again later :(

Current Music: Swing, Swing by The All-American Rejects yeah, couldn't think of what to name this journal so i chose lyrics to the song i am listening to. really good song by the way..about getting over the person you fell for. i should really take ideas from songs i love. life would probably be better lol. ..i'm not saying my life sucks right now, but it could definitely be better than it is right now. "why can't you just be straight up with honesty?" (All These Things I Hate(Revolve Around Me)- Bullet For My Valentine) i wish i could say that to my ex. i know there is a deeper reason for why we're not together, but he hasn't been talking to anyone at all lately. even his best friend doesn't know whats going on with him. the only person he talks to lately is our friend *lisa* but thats probably only because he gets igh with her sometimes. but that pretty much stopped now because shes kind of in the hospital, so i have no idea whats going on right now.. i really wish sam would just open up to me and tell me everything. i mean we're trying to be friends, but to be friends we have to talk/hang out occasionally, and we have done nothing together sice breaking up. idk, everything is just so weird lately.. i seriously think i have ADD..i was totally working on my college applications and out of nowhere i came on this site and started typing this..i need help lol well, i will probably write more later cause my mind is going a million places right now and surprisingly this thing keeps me calm..hmm, strange. must go finish applications, or atleast try to :p