so that's Christmas over with. it was a good one. the magic's gone, but that's ok. i got the iPod i wanted. actually it wasnt the same one i wanted, i wanted a green Nano and got a video Nano with a pink case instead. 8GB. so it was better than what i was expecting. i named her Chester. uploaded my iTunes library on her. also got the Heroes season one DVD box set and MySims on the Wii, so there goes my social life. it's actually quite nice not going out every day. got some time for myself. i watched a few films. we all know im not a film person, but i actually quite enjoyed it. maybe i'll do it more often. and i'm drawing again. creating characters and writing about them. i was always doing that in the summer holidays, i had full novels planned out in my head. but then August 24 happened, and it all disappeared. but now i'm back home, and its all coming back. i've promised myself i'll return to deviantART as well. and, unlike some of us, i can keep promises to myself. i got drawing pens in my stocking too. they're class, it'd be a crime not to use them anyway. SHARPIE.

downcast winter day. well they've put a tree in the next room but that's about it. last year i wouldnt have been surprised if they put tinsel around the computer screen. now everything's just.. bare. we've got tins of chocolate circulating the house though, time-honoured tradition. the fairy lights in my room are always there, i dont count them as Christmas lights. i only switch 'em on this time of year because it's winter, it's dark, i need lights. and i dont have Christmas music on. im playing AFI. which is wonderfully cheerful and festive (note sarcasm). its a good time of year for AFI though. they're very much winter. i got my first AFI album for Christmas last year actually. Decemberunderground. December, it's December, see what im saying about the right time of year? i dunno, when i listen to AFI, i just get a general sense of.. seasons. Love Like Winter. Summer Shudder. Death Of Seasons. they've all got the right time of year. even Summer Shudder feels like winter. you land as lightly as the new snow. This Celluloid Dream, my 'theme song' if you will, that's set in winter. i think. there's some sort of story in Decemberunderground and Sing The Sorrow. (Well, of course. the one about the rabbits and how they'll never reincarnate and all there is to face is death; because it's not 336, it's what follows - and what follows will swallow whole.) i spend a lot of time thinking about AFI. i'm actually feeling a bit of excitement when i think to myself 'hey, it's Christmas Eve =)'. at least tomorrow will put an end to this boredom. i dont know how i managed before i had friends. what did i do all day? i didnt go out today, so i had to try and remember what it was i did. the only real thing to do is go on the internet. but Dad kept having a go at me for sitting at the computer screen for too long. i remember it used to bother me too, i used to feel skanky if i was sat there for too long. but now i couldnt care less, i'd sit here all day if i had to. fortunately i dont have to any more, as every day i'm out with my friends. Dad has a go at me for that as well. doesnt like me out there in the cold and the dark. (nearly wrote 'in the glitter and the dark'. told you i think about them too much.) but who goes out on Christmas Eve? today was pointless. i just ate a lot. oh, fucking hell. just took a time-check and it's not even 5 o clock. when the hell is today over with? downed my own body weight in chocolate, im sure, and i have no way to burn it all off 'cause i cant go outside. i feel kind of sleepy actually. there's no way in fuck i'll sleep tonight. basic instinct retianed from childhood; you don't sleep December 24 or May 30. hahaah. i didnt do anything today so there's nothing to write about. oh, i watched a film. one of those rare films that i've actually seen; Mum and Spo dragged me along to the cinema when it came out. A Series Of Unfortunate Events. thats a great title. Jim Carrey was in it. Baize practically worships that man. yeah.. i hate watching films. making it obvious how bored i am. oh and Nige came round. didnt actually enter the house, just occupied my doorstep for a few minutes. handed me my card and my tenner. he said he wouldve bought me the special edition of Hot Fuss, but he didnt have his money on him when he was in Rapture. i thought guys were either rich or generous, never both. guess Nige proves that one wrong. he's a decent guy. wrote 'ps - i know you still do!' at the bottom of the card. that made me smile. it's nice to have friends who know me. nothing happened today. this is unnerving. im just gonna fuck off now cause there's literally NOTHING to write about and its pissing me off how boring today was. when i was little, i used to count the minutes to today. times change.

my younger sister has pictures of herself in her bra on the internet. i feel quite sick. i felt ill already. going to bed too late, staying out in the cold and the dark too long, living on nothing but chocolate and grease from local chippys the whole weekend, it does nothing for you. i feel like curling up and sleeping, and i know thats best for me, but when Dani called me earlier, i just wanted to go see her. after going for so long without friends, i just feel ungrateful if i dont appriciate their company now. i dont know. its how i roll. okay, so it was her and her two friends pissing about at their little sleepover. but she didnt have to put it on the internet. they were taken on my camera as well. its meant to be for art, not soft child porn. maybe im overreacting. but i always overreact when it comes to her. am i protective? i guess so. its just natural elder sister instinct, i suppose. she's so goddamn naive. im not gonna talk to her. if mum and dad find out and disapprove, i'll take the rap for her. ive had to before. when she met that 18-year-old bloke she met on runescape. i had to go after her. nothing happened to us. he was a nice enough guy. but i told her i wasnt gonna get involved when she told me what she was up to. well, turns out i did. Mum found out and all. we were in sainsburys, so she couldnt have a proper go at me. the obvious disappointent in me was enough from her. she told me she wouldnt tell dad, 'cause she knew he'd be livid, and said she'd have a word with Spo. i dont think she did. if she did i didnt hear of it. maybe i should have told her then and there, if i hadnt have gone with her, she'd have gone on her own, and how the hell would you have felt about that then? she found out the day before my birthday and all. i remember feeling so guilty. listening to What I've Done. that was the song that got me into Linkin Park. i got Minutes To Midnight for my birthday. didnt really listen to it 'til the summer. ive only been a Linkin Park fan since the summer. weird that aint it. im not even a proper fan yet, ive still got to get Meteora. will probably get it sometime next week. i'll be getting money on Tuesday. well, Nige said he'd give me a tenner. and you can depend on old relatives youve never met. who'd send a card and money to someone they've never met? this time of year fucks people up. God, i love Nige. he's like the best friend i never had. giving me money when i never even bothered buying him anything and all. he sends me random texts all the time now. we just had this massive phone convo about nothing really in particular. i worked out his bebo password. easy enough really if you know him well enough. he tried to guess mine, but im not dumb enough to make it as obvious as the name of whoever it is i fancy. Nige thinks he knows who it is i like. he thinks its two people: Ben and Baize. is he right? fuck alone knows. cant be arsed with working out how im feeling right now. its two days to Christmas! im gonna be excited for once. ive spent all of December feeling either depressed, terrified or just too damn horny. im just gonna let the next week be nice. go back to being a kid, just for a few days. it'll be nice.

i used to cling to love now i grimly cling to hate its all i can do not to look at you just to get me through the day you drag them down as you fall and at first i was swayed too losing confidence and common sense in the wake that led to you its hard to think of then when there's nothing left to do. y'know this time way back when i would have lost myself to you. its been one hard road to follow ive learned whats real and whats mine and yes, its hard when all youve lived for was a fucking waste of time but now i've learned my lesson i wont waste myself again 'cause im nothing to you now but we all matter in the end. i'm comparing now and then when there's nothing left to do was it only this time way back when i would have lost myself to you? lyrics i wrote at like 2:00 last night. it took longer to get to sleep than i thought. i think its about preps. or just general jerk-offs.

There's someone over me, someone over me, help me! Conversation's bleak and we're running out of sympathy. Signing up, letting go, No one's ever told me no. First time every time. Like the me without the i. God, i hate him. i'm not even gonna write about him. he's worth nothing. he's fucked off now though so its all good. but he had to drag a friend down with him didnt he. always the way. he's a good friend but i cant stand him when he's like this. Mum's catching on. it's quite funny actually. she's starting to not let me go out with those two because 'you always come home miserable'. she gets pissed with them for me. she tells me its not pathetic. he always found me pathetic. "So basically, your mother hates me for a pathetic reason." i just agreed because everything he said was to be believed. you put someone on a pedastal, and where's their appriciation? they just screw you over and let you down. And then the words that stuck with me for a long time. "Your mother's gonna hate a lot of people." You may well have just looked me in the eye, smiled smugly and left me with the words: "i'm just the first in the long line of people who are going to reject and humiliate you." Thank you so bloody much. Why am i telling you this? 'cause i was gonna tell you about today, but he was out, and little things like that can just ruin a whole day. i shouldnt let him get to me but its damn hard holding your head up high when there's someone there ridiculing every single little thing you say. thankfully they fucked off soon enough and i was left with the proper decent people. all good. well i think im cool. proper on the scene. diy fringe. (did i mention? i cut myself a fringe in the mirror after i got out the shower the other day. it's gone fluffy and adopted a mind of its own, and i dont care cause it makes me look better.) raver nails. (proper hardcore nail varnish Dani lent me. flourescent pink, yellow green mate. people have been telling me they like it. of course he just took one look, compared me to a prep and hit me. dickhead.) im sat here listening to Glamour For fucking Better. i mean they're proper hardfuckingcore. he never liked them either. oh, why the fuck do you care? you're long over him. there are better people to care about. like the people who actually care about you. "..Do you believe in angels?" "Yea. i'm talking to one right now." it was a beautiful thing to say. oh, i haven't told you about the angels have i. don't worry i will. just not now. i have to go now. my sister's having a sleepover, and the girls want the comp. its half one in the morning. who exactly's gonna be online? oh well. i guess sleeping's fun too. it's the Christmas holidays now. i don't have to wake up in the morning. just sleep. Just Sleep.. that's an mcr song isn't it. i was listening to mcr earlier. oh yeah. that's another reason he hit me. oh shut up! darling, he's nothing. speaking of Mcr. Baize pussied out of asking Martha out. this is crazy for so many reasons. 1. hes done it before. 2. he knows she'll say yes. 3. he always tells us rejects to bite the bullet and "you never know until you try" and "what have you got to lose?" and 4. he's Baize. asking Martha out is what he does. he texted me out of desperation though. its a nice thought. A friend in need and all that. No GFB in my room though. ran out of CDs long ago so i cant run up a copy. i bought it straight from iTunes didnt i. luckily im getting an iPod for Christmas now. thank fuck. i may have been swearing i hate iPods and 'Never Again' but tbh, i missed that thing. piece of crap. now midnight's passed, it's only three days isnt it? Three Days Grace. Dani told me to check out that band. maybe i should. not tonight. ..n-n-not tonight. i fucking love GFB. i love the way my parents hate them especially. i always wanted music that pissed off my parents. diy fringe. music junkie hoodie. single armwarmer. raver nails. smudged eyeliner. muddy skinnies. odd socks. scarf. irritating music. fucked up teenager with a fucked up look, thats all i ever wanted to be. stuff doesnt just happen. there has to be angels, right? really should fuck off to bed now. getting trippy. Chloe and Sophie are cool. Little sister's friends are usually something to dismiss, but they're actually cool. i'll let em have the comp.

it's the shortest day of the year. woop woop. and it's nearly Christmas. may as well be cheerful. i remember when the last week before Christmas was just a skive. welcome to your GCSEs. next break, two years. Someone felt the need to inform the year head. i was in English on Tuesday, and our year head walks in and asks to see me for a minute. turns out he's found out about my little chav-baiting episode on friday. he was actually talking to me as if i was the victim, so whoever leaked was probably on my side. i asked my friends and none of them had said anything, so i've still no idea who it was. anyway, i'm told to fill in an incident form if i want to. i didn't want to. last time i had to fill in an incident form was when my hair was set on fire in a geography class last year. Good times. it's funny, when i went after the girl who spat on Baize - turns out her name's Charlotte - the fact that there may be consequences didnt even cross my mind. it wasnt anything to do with school, but apparently as we were in uniform they feel the need to deal with us. anyway, i didnt fill in the form. im an equally guilty party. the following day, i remembered why i took my Drama GCSE. we had to perform the piece we'd been working on all term. it sure felt good to be up there in the lights again. Acting is just lying to make other people happy. Not so bad at it now, are you? Liam was talking to me before we went up. kept mentioning Friday night. mate, to me that's a long distant memory. this time one or two years ago, just one night with someone i could call a friend would have made me so happy, it'd be on my mind for weeks. but now? just another night. move on. Baize should've taken drama. we were in the drama centre yesterday, i was looking for my teacher to get a parents evening appointment, and Jamie and Baize came with me and waited in there with me. it sure was nice to see those two pissing around in the drama room again. that was where we met, of course: our drama class last year. and if we hadnt, my life would be pretty screwed right now. anyway, Coleman and Robin turned up and dragged Jamie away 'cause Alex had sent them after him. Baize stayed and waited with me. see, that's a good friend, isnt it? couldve fucked off with the others but stuck around with me. he seriously shouldve taken drama. he can really act. but he says he wouldnt have been able to do the coursework. fair dos. last day today. should be alright, its only a half day. was gonna bunk, but all my bunking buddies are ill or elsewhere. well fuck that anyway im gonna go in 'cause Jamie is and he told me to. but then again Whippy told me to stay off last night. and Kirsty's taking the day off as well. nah, i wanna go in. dont know why. i mean, its pointless bunking a half day, isnt it? when i did it the first time, we pulled off skipping an entire school day plus extra science lessons. theres some skills in that. oh, and the plan's off. i'm still writing the song, i'm still gonna take it up with him, but if everything goes according, imma use what Nige refers to as 'methods' to basically tell him he's a bitch. Why? 'cause my heart changed its stupid little mind again. this is, what, the fourth time i've been over him? something like that yeah. woop woop. i think this time its quits. im happy with that. im not gonna let you ruin my Christmas. and it was only like, a week ago, probably less, when it felt like love. it started fading yesterday. and on wednesday i was so jealous and obssessed. one day makes all the difference, huh? Fuck that? Fuck that. oh, and i have to tell you about the angels. but, er, i have to leave now, for school. im gonna go see Nige once it finishes, then go out with Kirsty and Whippy for a bit. but when i get back, i'll tell you about the angels.

Now we're stupid on the streets, Stupid on the streets Looking for some kind of release, Some kind of release. i don't wanna end the night At least not tonight i don't want the morning to come to light.. My lyrics. Wrote them a while back. Wrote a bloody essay on Saturday night. but there was a database error when i sent it and lost it all. so fuck that. i can remember what i wrote, i'll write it up later. and no, i can't just not write it. this is my December. there needs to be a full account of it. So, Saturday 15 December. met up with Dani first of all. we went round to see Channy. met her step-brother, Jake. he was a bit of a laugh, i guess. turned out to be a dick, but i always like people when i first meet them. he got the same treatment. so the four of us were sat in Channy's room. the other three sparked up. i dont mind my friends lighting up in front of me, but it was a small room and three fags makes an awful lot of smoke. not good for a non-smoker. i had to stand beside the door to breathe better. Channy got out a bottle of vodka and lime. i tried some, but i dont like lime. thats the thing, i dont drink to get pissed. unlike Dani, bless her. she was downing it pretty quick. we were supposed to be waiting for Coleman to bring out the alcohol in the evening, but she was already slightly drunk. anyway, Channy and Jake had to stay at home 'til later, so me and Dani went off to amuse ourselves until Coleman came out. we were told he'd be back from work later and we had time to kill. first off we went to maccy ds. Dani bought us both a happy meal, 'cause we're the coolest. she told me to text Emily. Emily had wanted to come out earlier, but Dani sent her a scathing text saying that she wasnt touching her or the alcohol. but by the time we got to maccy ds she felt bad, so i had to text her a message of reconciliation (is that spelt right? how do you pronounce it??). also had a kind of trippy episode whilst sat waiting for Dani to come out of the toilet once we finished the happy meals. i just breathed in, and found i could smell him. that sounds so weird. but i could. at first, it was just like the way he smells normally, which i like. and then, i swear, i could smell that fragrance stuff he used to wear. maybe someone who smelled exactly like him had taken a table near me. or maybe i was just tripping out. whatever. it was a nice moment. Dani came back and we fucked off out of maccy ds. still had a while to wait for Coleman. so we decided to go into town and find him. he works on the market and sometimes we turn up and say hello. when we got there, though, not only had it gotten dark, but Coleman had already left. so we went to Venture. i've only ever been there once before, but that place is amazing. its a professional photographers. and you should know right, i fucking adore photography. if my dream job wasn't graphic designer or music video director, it would be photographer. Dani actually has to work at Venture when she's older. she's fucking amazing with photos. so anyway, we walk in, and Dani asks the woman about what they do and prices and shit. the lady brings out some pamphlets for her. the prices are pretty steep, but Dani said we should get a bunch of us down and split the money. We could all get our photos professionally done. that would be amazing. i hope we do. (i just remembered what the first time i went to Venture was. me, Mum and Spo were getting our photos done as a birthday present for Dad. this must've been back when i was in yr6; as we were on our way, we ran into Cressida and Sarah who were going into town. they saw me and came over, asking if i wanted to come with them. i really wanted to, but i had to go to Venture. back then, they were people i wanted to be with.. now, what four or five years later? i hate their sorry guts. nice twist to life there.) We returned from Witney and called on Coleman again. he told us to come in, and we ended up smuggling out a bottle of vodka with the help of his sister.

it was Friday yesterday. all the kids come out on friday. thinking they're hardcore. im one of them now. should've known the day was gonna go tits up when i walk in to history and Alex is there looking depressed. we all read the signs and dont say a thing.. apart from Baize, who had to be told to shut the fuck up when he asked her what was wrong. Jamie told me anyway. i think Alex thought he'd been ignoring her on the way to school and he was suddenly desperately terrified she didn't want to go out with him anymore and he said that if that happened, he'd kill himself. i couldn't hear that. Jamie was the one who saved me. i constantly feel as though i have to return the favour. i was steeling myself up to launch myself into another saving of another relationship, but hey, this is Alex and Jamie we're talking about. they have their bad days, but they're always gonna be together. they're 'the couple' of the group. but still, if Alex and Jamie were having a bad day, how bad was it gonna be for the rest of us? we got to look at our reports first thing. i read all the teacher's comments, and they still havent twigged yet. im not a good kid anymore. they still think im quiet and hardworking and conscientious. (however the fuck you spell/pronounce that.) A*s in everything, thats what im getting if i continue working like this and listen to the teachers. Apart from drama. it'll be cool if i get a B in drama, but she'd like to se a little more confidence and maybe i can push it to an A. how the fuck does she not know? im not a fucking quiet kid any more. im outspoken. a dickhead. the only reason i dont put my ideas in is cause our class is full of fucking preps and i know they look down on me. and its more fun just to sit back and piss around with Liam for an hour. the group we have to work in is me + Liam, three preps and a chav. they're alright for preps and chavs, but sometimes im just silently urging them, 'go on, you've heard about my reputation, judge me a little.' im just desperately trying to lose the geeky kid image. doesnt help how im predicted A*s all over the shop. "Tenth smartest person in the year." Baize can fuck off. it's alright for him. he can get away with Cs. and if he slips a little, it's ok, we understand, you're dyslexic after all. but tenth smartest person in the year. you have to fucking live up to it. You get anything less than perfect and you're a failure. The only subject i care about had a decent report though. im predicted A*/A in that too, i think. well i must damn well be, im a fucking genius at it. Art. i dont give a shit what she said about me in her report. i know im an artistic genius. i sound so fucking stuck up, dont i? so fucking prep-like. i dont give a shit. i can fail in everything else, i'll be a disappointment but i'll still like myself. but i cant fail art. if i do i'll never forgive myself. that's why i need this insane self-belief. everyone always tells me im good at art. i believe them every time they say it. it was weird, reading the reports. The report. my art report. i was just sat there, so fucking full of myself, the picture of arrogance. Laura aint gonna listen to her art teacher, Laura can do it all herself. she's a fucking genius. God, i was so fucking arrogant in IT, too. it was the last lesson of the year, and instead of doing any real work we got a lesson on 'internet safety'. Fuck fucking that. 87% of teenagers use an IM service. for once im in a fucking majority. 'you should never give out your real name, age, gender, picture, phone number, or any other personal details on the internet.' oh fucking hell. you can fuck that in its arse. this guy i only know over the internet, we've started talking lots recently. we know which county each other lives in, we know we're both fourteen, we call each other by our real names. i sent him pictures of myself, he sent me one of him, i gave him my phone number. (but it's only 'cause he's one of the angels. he said i have a cute smile..) So obviously im gonna get stalked, raped and murdered. or fucking not. there's a different between 'teenage girl' and 'complete idiot'. im both, but they're not the same. (he said i wasn't an idiot. 'we all have intelligence in different things'. A*s all over the shop mate. the thing that makes you an idiot is bunking school when you have that intelligence to live up to.) so David Easton is obviously a 56-year-old convicted murder who's worked out where i live and is gonna come kill me in my sleep. bring it fucking on. why the fuck cant they let us trust our friends? just cause we met over the internet doesnt mean our friendship is any different. im a naturally trusting person and i like talking to people online. So im gonna fucking get myself fucking groomed, arent i. Just fuck the hell off and dont tell me what i cant do. oh, and we failed. Kirsty came to me this morning, looked me in the eye. "Tell him everything." Followed him about all fucking day, trying to lure him away from the preps and dickheads he spends his time with, trying to talk to him. at lunch, it just got to the point where Coleman hunted him down and dragged him to my feet. And so Rob was just stood there, expecting me to launch at him and have a fucking go, but i had no fucking clue what to say. i tried, i really did. but im not the one feeling Kirsty's emotions. i told him exactly what she told me while trying not to sound stupid. but when you're trying to convey someone else's emotions, not you're own, you just sound a bit.. pathetic. and it was a lost cause anyway. "I know what she wants from this relationship, and i obviously can't give her that. she's better off without me anyway. she could do a lot better." "But she loves you." "I'm sorry, but you know in your heart when you dont love someone." he walked away. i went and smacked my head against a wall. Coleman came over. "..Worst case scenario?" "Yeah.." i buried my face in my history folder. why couldnt the angels save them? Dani was stood next to me, leaning against the wall. she looked sad. i dont know whats happened. but i cant deal with everyone, and i had to go after Baize. he's fucked up, has Baize. he's been in love with Martha for over a year now, and he finds himself in with a chance with the girl, so what does he do? go out with some year 9 kid. Dickhead. thing is, he couldnt see the bigger picture for the colours. if he'd have just asked for my help instead of pushing me away, he could be with Martha right now. she kept talking to me on msn (oh, the reckless child! there she is, talking to people she's never met on the internet again!) and telling me to give Josh this message, ask Josh this, hey Laura, is Josh going out with Hannah? (It is so fucking weird hearing other people call him by his real name. Like i can't see Jamie as James any more, i can't see Baize as Josh. funny that.) so Baize had a plan; dump Hannah on friday and he can get with Martha on saturday. it was a plan that was gonna work, but he's a pussy, aint he? he didn't do it. i was stood there amongst Baize and Alex and Hannah and random friends and friends of friends, just hissing "Be a fucking man!" into Baize's ear, but he did fuck all. its stupid. considering the conversation i'd had with him a while back. "..I'd just go back to admiring from afar.." "You always say that. why can't you just get over it and move on?" "No! You can't just move on that easy." "Can't you?" "No! Then you'd just be a.. a.. a woman-hopper. Trust me. i've gone over a year. it's killing me, but it'll be worth it in the end." so i start taking his advice. don't be a man-hopper. hold on, 'cause it's gonna be worth it. (i swear, my plan has to work. insane self-belief again. thank fuck the first time around gave me this kind of confidence.) and then he just goes back on his own words like the dickhead he is. so i couldnt be doing with my pussy of a best mate, so i went back to the steps where the rest of us sit. And you know who the fuck was there? Fucking Cressida. And that Emily kid, Anna's friend, in tow. There were fucking preps. in our fucking territory. Luckily Nige was walking next to me. Yeah, Nige was in school for once. Thank fuck. i need him around. i just said "Nige, quick, grab me," so he did and put one hand over my mouth. if he hadn't, i'd have flown at her. she can't show her face to my friends after what she did to me. Fortunately she turned and walked back to the prep's side of school just as we arrived. but Emma said something to her about our drama class, and she turned and yelled something back, and she smiled and waved. Girl. We hate your guts. Get the fuck away from us. i'm actually surprised Ben didn't get up and kick them. They were two pretty weak-looking preps, and he hates preps, and he can take people out with his kicks. trust me, i've been floored enough times. but then again, if we had kicked the shit into them, we'd all have been outside Mr Stewart's office up to the neck in incident forms for the rest of the day. i sometimes forget we're in the real world and there are consequences and irritating things like that around that you have to think about before you do stuff. anyway, i think they were talking to Whippy, the preps. on behalf of Anna. Whippy and Anna.. for weeks, he's been trying to ask her out and she's been trying to reject him. and we always went on at Whippy for being a pussy. but then Anna had to get her friends to come bite the bullet for her. so maybe we're all as bad as each other. so that was Whippy sunk into a wave of depression for the rest of the day. and that was only school. there were a few more fights to come. one before i'd even had a chance to get home. we were all walking back together as usual, and there's this girl we've dubbed 'fat chav' who walks our way with her sad little posse. we all hate her after she grabbed Baize and had him up against a wall on one of our walks home. he was just taking the piss, as usual. our mouths get us into some shit sometimes. but anyway, this girl was walking behind us, and she spits. not even my kind of spitting, which is disgusting and all over the shop, but proper, gobbed up, projectile spew kind of spit. and she was aiming for us. and this would have been funny. she'd have got me, i'd have turned round and knife-handed her. or pissed myself. she'd have got Jamie, who she was actually aiming for, he'd have probably laughed and waved. or thumped her. but no, she got Baize. all down his back. it was funny at first. gave her the laugh that says 'wow, you sure are pathetic, even for a dickhead,' and walked on. Baize handed Jamie his bag and took off his jumper, now covered in chav drool. But she spat again. she got Jamie this time like she intended - but instead of actually covering Jamie in the spit, she got it all down Baize's bag. Oh, fuck this, gotta go. Finish later.

Life is not tried, it is merely survived if you're standing outside the fire.. i wasn't even gonna go out today. but Kirsty called me, and y'know, i thought 'what the hell' and told her to meet at the underpass in ten. it was 'cause Baize said he'd be out and Matt was over, that's why. turns out those two didnt come out in the end. which turned out to be fortunate. Me and Coleman are gonna save Kirsty and Rob's relationship, that's what we're gonna do. 'cause Coleman's Rob's best mate and he knows what's up with him, and i'm close to Kirsty so i know what the score is with her. and we know that if Rob dumps Kirsty it'll kill her, but it's going that way 'cause they don't seem to be going anywhere. oh well, we're gonna save them. i know we are, my angels are with me on this one. anyway, Rob and Kirsty ended up going in, so me and Coleman went down to the field. i remember going there with Dani and Kirsty, with the mist and the sign we snatched from Tesco. 'Cloud Nine!' my feet got wet. they didn't tonight though. all the ground's frozen over. i love the feeling of frozen mud beneath my shoes. it's one of the only nice things about winter. i used to love winter. it was 'cause summer screwed me over. how the tables have turned. so me and Coleman were walking down to the field. talking. "Looking forward to Saturday?" he's having a piss-up. "Sure am. =)" "Yeah, it's only gonna be me, you, Dani and Josh though.." "What about Channy?" "Oh, yeah, she might be there too." i haven't seen Channy in time. i miss her bad sometimes. i hope she is there saturday. so we were discussing what would go down saturday evening, 'cause us five on alcohol means shit's gonna go down. "Wait.. if you get Dani," i pointed out, after Coleman tells me his plans for the night, "then that leaves me and Baize.." "So? don't tell me you don't want to do him." "Yeah, but i don't particularly." "oh come on, you know you want to just a little bit. trust me, i can see these sort of things. i can tell. you act like a girl who fancies someone when you're around him. but then again, that could just be because you're such good friends.." "Yeah. we're just good friends. And anyway, i fancy someone else." "who... Ben?" at this i freak out. "You fucking ninjas! Get out of my life." i don't know how they do it, my ninjas. always know everything about me. sometimes even before i know it myself. "well, you know how i know?" "How?" "Well, you asked him out.." "Yeah, but i'm supposed to be over it. that's what i'm telling everyone. i've got to keep this charade up." "Don't worry, i won't tell anyone." "Good." and then i realise i can trust Coleman. "do you want to know the truth?" "Okay then." "Right. the truth. i fancied Ben, but i really did get over it when i got rejected; and you were right, i did start to fancy Baize. but it was only like a two day thing. and now im over that and back to liking Ben again." Coleman didnt react or anything to this. just promised not to tell anyone, was cool. im glad for that. some people would have been 'OMG' and forced an opinion on me. but whatever, its hardly my biggest secret. anyway, we got to the field, walked right to the middle of it, away from everything, and lay down in the frost and mud. looked up at the stars. i love the stars. they have my angels and my secrets. Coleman had some stories to share too. we gave our word; what's said in the field stays in the field. haha. Coleman told me about his family, all the shit that they do. it sounds brilliant. it may not be ideal, but its more exciting than my family any day. "So what about you Laura? What are your secrets?" "Hmm.. Well.. it was around this time last year. the week between Boxing Day and New Years." "Yeah?" "My best friend nearly died." "Really? Who's your best friend?" "She's called Geo." no one knows Geo. they've all heard of GeofromKent and LaurafromWales, Laura's best friends, she met them on the internet and met up with them last year, no they're not paedos. but no one's met them. i dont think ive ever really mentioned them to Coleman before. "How did she nearly die?" "She had a terminal lung disease." "Woah." "She survived." "I nearly died before." he had problems with his kidneys when he was a kid. actually crossed the line between life and death, had to be recussitated. (how the fuck do you spell/pronounce that?) "So what about your secrets?" he'd talked about his family but not himself. he talked about work and not being able to sleep or something. "..And i've had sex three times.. but i think everyone knows about that." "Yeah." i laughed. he told me the story of how he lost his virginity. quite entertaining. "i've never had sex.." that aint one of my secrets. everyone knows it. its hardly a bad thing. but then Coleman asked me something funny. "if someone, someone you actually wanted to have sex with, asked you to have sex with them, would you do it? d'you think you're what they call it, 'ready'?" "....It's funny you should ask that." "..Why?" a long pause. stared up at the stars. its ok kid, the stars have your secrets. second time in under a week i find myself lying in the dark telling myself to bite the bullet. "Why the silence? Why's it funny i should ask that?" "..Nothing leaves this field, right?" "Right." "It happened." "What.. someone you wanted to have sex with asked you to have sex with them?" "Yeah." "I take it you said no." "Yeah.." and they wonder why i've been so fucked up all week. "Who was it?" "Not saying." "Was it someone i know?" "Not saying." "Was it Ben?" "..i'm not saying." Fucking ninjas. that's the thing about my friends. there's no half-truths with them. they always know, even if i dont want to tell them. i never really expected i'd be having this heart-to-heart with Coleman, though. i was planning on Nige being the one i shared my woes with. but he's been ill or bunking all week, and hasn't been out. i get why now. they made it happen for a reason, so i'd end up telling Coleman. it feels best like this. i mean, i had to tell someone. i feel relieved now i have. and the angels knew if i told Nige it would all get out, 'cause he's so close to it all, so they kept me away from him. i feel i can trust Coleman, anyway. "..What do you think is beyond all this? Where do we go?" he motioned towards the stars. "We're all gonna find out some day." "i guess so." "What do you think happens?" "...Nah, you'll laugh at me." "No i won't!" "Okay then.. you ever hear of Valhalla?" "i think so.." "Valhalla. Paradise. But you have to die a true hero's death to reach the paradise.." "...That's so awesome." i want to die a hero's death. A pause. guess i should make my input. "i believe in angels." "so do i." at least Coleman won't think im crazy. "Guardian angels. Watching over us." "i think there are things that watch over us.. not angels maybe. but something that's out there, looking out for us." "Something to save us." "We all need saving sometimes." "...sometimes i can't believe i'm here." "what do you mean?" "this time a year ago.. i had no friends. i was a geek. and now.. i've got all you lot, i'm bunking and getting pissed and all sorts of shit, and it's all turned around." "see, i'm like exactly the same as you." "really?" "yeah. this time last year, i had no friends, i'd fallen out with Rob and that, i was being bullied, i hated my family.. i was miserable. could've killed myself." "i'm glad you didn't." they saved Coleman as well. maybe that's why we're here. we went home soon after. i needed that. everything gradually gets better, just like they told me it would. i'll tell you about the angels tomorrow.